I'm happy to say that with a small increase in my SSRI dose, I'm feeling much better this winter. I also got a Verilux Happy Light for my desk at work, and that's really been making a difference as well when it gets dark around 3pm. I'm trying to go outside, and to watch funny Netflix shows instead of dark heavy dramas that drag my mood down. To say nothing of sad song avoidance on the radio/in my headphones! I'm doing all that I can to stay buoyant during these dark months.
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| Queer poly stockings hung from the fire with care... |
The holidays were a very busy time for this Fox. I spent a good chunk of time getting the shared den in order with Bear as we hosted our housewarming just before Christmas. It's still coming along, and we are still navigating cohabitation now that the stressful disruption from the flood and associated repairs have finally been completed. There's some growing pains there, especially around communication as I'm the extraverted one with many weekly social obligations, and he's the homebody bear who likes to chill after a 12-15 hour workday in front of TV. We are developing a way to keep in touch that has nothing to do with Google Calendar. I'm hoping that it will help us stay connected even when we are both busy.
Being poly can be challenging around the winter holidays as everyone wants to be with you, and you want to be with everyone but it's gotta be balanced. There were a few article/blog posts floating around Facebookland with ideas about how to successfully navigate the holidays for poly folks. I found that having a few polycule-based gatherings (my housewarming, a play party, NYE) kept things quite balanced between my three people, plus specific dates with each of them one-on-one. Lots of cuddling this winter for this fox, I'm happy to report!
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| I need WAY more candles that this to be accurate about my age. |
Last week as also my birthday! Another trip completed around our sun. As usual, my birthday tends to make me rather introspective. Given it's proximity to New Years, it stands to reason that I've been thinking a fair bit about "resolutions." I'm trying to avoid making any resolutions though as I (like so many other folks) don't manage to actually complete their resolutions. So I'm thinking about my goals for 2018 instead. Thoughts are still coalescing there, and I must be honest and share that I feel a bit lost after last year's big achievements - the wedding and the move with Bear, and NZ trip with Birdfriend. I'm having this "what's next?" moment in my head these days. Especially as I'm unsure whether or not a honeymoon will be in the cards this year. But goal-orientated thoughts are buzzing around in my skull these days. I'll write some intentions down later this week.
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| The PCT (hiked from South to North). EPIC hiking ahead for a Birdfriend and Yak ahead! |
This feeling of needing to figure out my goals for this year is intensifying as both Birdfriend and Yak will be leaving in a few months to hike the Pacific Crest Trail (or PCT) for about 5.5 months. I would say that I'm feeling bereft and worried about my mental/emotional health while they are away. But I'm also very proud and excited for them both as well. It will be challenging though as it's a major loss for me - two of my three partners leaving. And I have concerns about maintaining good communication, especially with Yak given that we haven't "figured out what we are doing with our relationship" while she's away. With Birdfriend, we have made the commitment to stay in touch about every 5-7 days (as technology allows) etc. But Yak and I have made no such arrangements. And I don't even know whether she wants to continue our relationship while she's away/when she comes back. I guess this is one way of me asking her. And I suppose I've been feeling a little timid about bringing it up because in many ways, because our relationship wasn't supposed to be a big "thing" for either of us.
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| A wee graphic made by yours truly. |
But it has developed into something very precious to me - a beautiful, nurturing, spiritual connection that allows both Yak and I to be fully ourselves when we are together. It feels like poetry, symphony, and cosmically romantic. Sounds perhaps a little NREish still, but it feels much deeper than a year ago when we were high on NRE. We both feel that we are growing as individuals, and together. It's a beautiful relationship that we've created. And I would like to keep creating it and growing within it. It feels a little like this:
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| Chakras glowing bright. |
I hope that we can find a way forward while Yak is away to keep our relationship strong and growing. It is my intention to stay connected with Yak while she's off being a free-range creature. I know from my own experiences being away from Bear & Birdfriend three years ago that maintaining relationships over distances is VERY rewarding. And often, discussions that you may not have with the person while they are physically here can often happen more easily if they are away. And then you both learn even more about the person you are with, and often grow closer as a result. It certainly felt that way between Bear & I when I returned from my travels about three years ago. So I will put my faith in the fact that Yak and I care deeply about one another and are able to create a path forward that works for us. And I will continue to take actions to make my intentions reality. And so it is....
