Rolling thoughts

It's been awhile since I posted anything of a personal nature on this blog. The main reason has been that I have been living some pretty intense experiences in my polyamorous life. I wasn't willing to write or post anything about what I'm going through while I was in the middle of it because I don't often like to publish information about my life that's half-baked, so to speak. It can also be a hard balance, to write about polyamory but try to not overshare and accidently hurt one of my partners' feelings. But it does happen. I try to be sensitive towards my different partners, but at the same time - this is my blog, and it's really healthy for me to express what's going on; and it's potentially helpful for others to read about my experiences as relatable, so I'm going to share some stuff now that's been rolling around in my head for the past while.

A silly rendering of what I imagine their PCT days are like...

About a month ago now, two of my partners, Birdfriend and Yak, left to go hike the Pacific Crest Trail (or PCT here on out). It's been a bewildering time for me to adjust to two of my favourite humans gone from my immediate surroundings. Folks that I would spend a few evenings/days a week with are gone - I cannot see, touch, smell, or hear them. To say that my social life has been utterly re-arranged would be putting things a bit mildly... I have been reaching out to ensure that my schedule stays full so that I don't get lonely. I still have some opportunities to chat with both of them, but now on a weekly basis instead of a daily one. Birdfriend has a cell phone that allows them to text from the wilderness, but service is spotty. Such is technology in the bush. However, this access to Birdfriend is something I cherish and am so grateful for them for arranging this in advance of this hike. But it doesn't make up for sharing space in real time together. I miss our weekly get-together where we connect deeply and get to cuddle or play. Yak has no phone access while on the trail at all, which I'm finding challenging but I'm trying to adapt to this limitation. About once a week, I get to have internet-assisted conversation with Yak. It helps to be able to see her face/hear her voice when video calls are possible. But it doesn't make up for the physical aspect of our relationship - I miss our hugs, cuddles, sleepovers. I ache for her in a very visceral way. I miss these two creatures very deeply. It's really hard to be without them but I am so, so very proud of these two for dreaming big and then making that dream a reality. It's inspiring!

Graphic depicting what my mental preparation was like...

While the two were getting ready to leave for this six month PCT adventure, I spent that time mentally preparing myself for two of my dearest loves to be away from me. I wrote out a list of items that I want to focus on in my life while they are away. I shared my fears, concerns, and wishes with both of them and with others so that I would be well supported in their absence. And, I prioritized spending as much time with Birdfriend and Yak as possible before they left. This caused some tension with my other relationships (including friendships) as I had to tell people that I was all booked up until the middle of April. I don't like telling people that I don't have space for them, but it happened. If you are one of my friends who has heard this from me, I apologize and would like to find time to get together again!

Quote reads, "How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard." Very true for me!

The day that Birdfriend and Yak left, I cried so much. I cried off and on for an entire day - it's not an exaggeration. I felt that I had to apologize for my avalanche of tears to the two, but they told me that it was normal for me to be teary-eyed. I felt like a blathering, snotty-nosed idiot. It was a day of extremes - Birdfriend and Yak were riding on a freedom high, and I was riding a current so low that I was worried the wave would never break. I was exhausted after that day. It felt strange feeling a maelstrom of emotions as they went through the security gate at the airport. I yelled to Yak that I loved her, and I turned and broke down into sobs. I felt so much love, promise, and joy, and at the same time, sadness, worry, and grief. The few days after they left I was numb.

I'm feeling a bit less numb these days, and not grieving as hard as I was when Birdfriend and Yak first left. But I miss them both so incredibly much! I feel as though parts of me are missing, and I feel strange inside... I don't know if I'll get to visit them at Crater Lake in Oregon like I originally wanted. I may have to just wait until the end of September when they have completed their hike. Sigh.

Thoughts clashing...

I haven't been writing much about my relationship with Bear lately. This is for complicated reasons, but suffice to say that it's been a very challenging first year of marriage. We've moved in together, had some plumbing/renovation hell, and got a cat. I know that everyone says that the first year is the hardest, but wow. I know that I can be a difficult person to be with sometimes, I have flaws and can act in hurtful ways at time when I am distracted, drunk, or both. I did some things last year that hurt my relationship with Bear, and unfortunately, the consequences of those actions are still causing tension in our relationship. Bear and I have been fighting a lot lately. We haven't been very happy with each other, and for valid reasons on both sides. I've been doing some really deep diving into myself to understand my feelings, to communicate them to Bear, and to find a path forward. The last two items are the hardest, as I find that what I communicate doesn't always get fully understood, and I can't control how Bear will react. 

Basically, there are two main issues: ideological and behavioural. Ideologically, we are mismatched in that Bear's a lot more focused on primary/couple-centred experience of polyamory and I'm more solo-poly in my approach. Bear is my primary in that we have merged the infrastructure of  our lives together but he needs to be put first always...and I sometimes have a hard time doing that because I don't believe in hierarchy as much as I used to when I first got involved with polyamory. I think I'm ok with descriptive hierarchy rather than prescriptive hierarchy. That is, it describes my relationships but it doesn't prescribe what happens in those relationships.

From this Bustle web article

I'm not sure if we can find a middle ground on our poly ideology, but I hope with the help of an empathetic counsellor, we can find/create one. I don't think that our ideologies are necessarily incompatible, and I really think there is some common ground there.

Now behaviour...the biggest thing I am noticing is how different our natural cycles are now that we've cohabitated for more than six months. I'm a morning person, Bear isn't. I'm neat and tidy, Bear makes a mess everywhere and doesn't consistently clean up after himself. I'm social, and have many friends and activities outside the home, Bear doesn't. I try to eat pretty healthy most of the time, but Bear is happy with Kraft Singles cheese and doesn't eat vegetables or fruit unless prompted. I limit myself to a maximum of two hours of TV/Netflix a day, but Bear is addicted and watches many hours of TV every day. I like to make goals for my year and try to plan a few things out, Bear doesn't seem to do this at all. And as a planner type person, I really need this in a relationship.

Quote from Chuck & Ann Bentley. The focus of this quote is monetary, but I believe it applies to other goals for couples.

You see what I'm getting at. We are not compatible on a behavioural level. It's kind of driving me a bit nuts. Our relationship actually felt better to me when we lived apart because I wasn't confronted with these behaviours on a daily basis. I didn't know how Bear lived as a bachelor as I was rarely invited to his place and thought that he would be more social when we lived together. But that hasn't been my experience so far. And it's very stressful. I feel unfulfilled when I'm at home and it's making me very unhappy. I am willing to try to work with Bear to find a way of being that is more compatible, but I wonder about how attached he is to these old patterns, and if he's willing to do the work to change those habits. I've been asking for months to go for walks with him, go to the gym down the hall from our place, do more activities together but he always says no. It feels limiting to say the least. I sometimes feel like an asshole that I'm not happy with what I have - a sweet Bear of a man who works really hard, and does love me. But it's my truth. And it sucks.

I really love Bear and I hope that we can get on the same page again soon. I hope that with couples counselling, and more open sharing that we can rekindle our flame and find a way forward that is uniquely ours. This is my intention and my hope. I hope that he considers how his behaviours at home can cause distance and that he works on finding a way of being that is more congruent with my way of being. Otherwise our home life is going to be a place of constant stress and not peace. And I know that ultimately, neither of us wants that for our shared den.

Big breath and a step forward....