Sisyphean Transformation

Many years ago, I was best friends with an outgoing, charismatic gay man named Hunter. We are no longer friends, but I mention him because we used to play this esoteric board-game called the Transformation Game. You start the game with an intention and then roll to be "born." Once born, you travel on your own life path on the board (no one shares the same life path) and you work on the intention you set at the beginning of the game. You work through physical, emotional, mental, and finally spiritual levels to gain awareness and insight into your intention. It's a really cool game, and I've learned lots from it. I haven't played in several years, but recently the game keeps coming into my head because of a feeling that I've been experiencing a lot in the past eight+ months. One of the squares you can land on in the game is called the "Life Depression Square" and you gain four tokens of pain, which slow you down. Only a roll of 5 or 6 can make you move. Otherwise, you just stay stuck in depression. This feeling of stuck in depression is exactly how I've been feeling about my life lately. Like I keep rolling a 2 and get nowhere. And finally when I do get a 6, something else comes along to add more pain to my life and keep me trapped in that isolated and depressed place. A Sisyphean task, this time of transformation.

I keep making efforts to improve my life, keep trying to meet people and focus on creating new memories, and not get stuck in old traps. But unfortunately, I have been traumatized by the events of the past year and I keep getting triggered and it's hard to move forward. Trauma is a quite a beast, and my beast is rather large and especially ungainly. I have a history of trauma from my family, from sexual assaults/rape, car accidents, and bad relationships. My trauma is further compounded by grief: loss of my nephew, uncle, and father; loss of my marriage; loss of relationships/friendships recently. It's all just too much to bear sometimes. I have lost my sense of self, feel a loss of psychological/emotional safety, and my dreams...all types of grief that people don't normally talk about. And I am experiencing it all at the same time. As a result of all this trauma, my ability to "tolerate" certain things is greatly diminished. This graphic explains what I mean:

Being in a constant state of hyper-arousal is exhausting to say the least. I'm always tired these days. Physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually tired. I don't feel like I have the capacity to do the things I have normally done in the past...and people are taking note and are not sure how to navigate it. I get it, it's hard to have a friend who seems like they are constantly in a state of meltdown, but remember all that person has gone through. Do you think that you would be able to handle it any better? Know that that person is really, REALLY trying. And Bob knows, I'm trying really hard just to get through each day (sometimes one hour at a time).

From the comic, the Life of Bria

Recently, a friend of mine has downgraded our friendship to an acquaintanceship...and it's mostly because of my hyper-aroused state. It felt like a judgement and it really fucking hurt me. But it's clear that I'm not going to let him back into my inner world because I don't want to be friends with someone who only wants a fair-weather friendship. It's an awful thing, being told that someone only wants to hear about the "good things happening in your life" because when you are on that Life Depression Square, you don't have a lot of good to talk about. And so you get dumped as a friend because you aren't that happy-go-lucky, upbeat weirdo anymore. More isolation ensues. Talk about piling pain on top of pain. I'm not the kind of person that only posts the most beautiful selfies, the most awesome stuff happening all the time, or my amazing plans to do X, Y, or Z on my social media. Instead, I share a pretty honest picture of myself with the world. I share my stories to make others feel less alone, less ashamed, and seen. I am this kind of a friend, and I would like my friends to be similar:

Now I turn to my latest triggering event. I recently started dating someone new....this was the first person since that traumatic breakup right before Christmas. I wasn't in a hurry to move things along, I wanted to respect my pace given where my head/heart are at. It was going well. I was getting to know her and we were figuring out things between us. Just last week, my date asked me how much information I needed to know about the other people she was seeing/having sex with. I told her that I would need to reflect on that, because of my lowered ability to "take on" too much with my trauma brain. What I didn't know at the time is that she already slept with one of my close friends, and would ask that friend out a few days later. My friend is the one who told me. This is not what ethical non-monogamy looks like. I had to end the dating situation because I'm not at a place where I have the capacity to date/fuck the same people as my friends. I'm not sure I will ever get back to that place after what happened with the Yak. When that relationship imploded, it really negatively affected our friend group - we are all friends. I simply cannot go through another situation like that whereby the larger social network is disrupted and fractures. I won't do it to me or to my friends. And I need my friends to understand this. It isn't about control. It's about safety. It may not make any sense to you, dear readers, but I no longer feel safe in these kinds of enmeshed, interconnected dating situations. And I need this boundary to be accepted, not judged or transgressed. Again, it's about my need to feel safe.

To this end, I think it's best if I give up on dating (even casually) for now. I'm just too shattered by everything I've gone through the past year. I didn't even mean to end up dating right now - I just met a really cool human and wanted to get to know her better. But this whole event has just confirmed what I was feeling inside - it's not safe for me to date right now. I need to focus on healing my heart and my mind. To that end, I've purchased a book and have begun working through the exercises to help me gain a better understanding of why I react the way I do when I'm triggered, and to develop healthy strategies to move me away from "reacting" and instead to "responding." A friend of mine posted this graphic to FB the other day, and while it says that it's for children, I think it works for adults as well. A good guide to consider when digging oneself out of a traumatic depression...

I need my friends and support network to read and understand this stuff around trauma and know that I am sincerely doing my best, but that I need help. I need help with regulating feelings of extreme isolation and hopelessness. I need to feel safe through re-connection, before trying to work on my feelings in a "rational" manner. I ask that you please cut me some slack if I seem to be cycling through this stuff. Shifting trauma is one of the hardest things a human can do. And I need your help.