Thus, I stayed away from many social events, certain people, and avoided writing down what was happening in my head. The only exception to this was my counseling "journal," a book that I jot down important pearls of wisdom gleaned from my sessions. At certain times in the past year when I got lost in my spiraling thoughts, I would flip open the journal and read about what strategies and underlying needs I discovered with my counselor that then helped me pull myself out of that spiral. I wasn't really wanting to share my whole story with anyone except for Birdfriend. But even there, I had to tread lightly at times...since they are still close to the Yak. I don't want to poison this important relationship with my remaining partner because of their continued association with her. It's challenging to have to bottle up some feelings, but I'm trying to be respectful of Birdfriend's friendship. There are days when I wish that I wasn't still socially close to the Yak via proxy, but what can I do? It's been uncomfortable to have to constantly move in a wilder arc so as to avoid her, but it's necessary for my own feelings of emotional safety and for keeping my relationship with Birdfriend healthy.
2019 was also a year that I had forge new friendships because so many of my old ones were still entangled with the Yak. It was hard to try and open myself up to new folks because I felt like such a wreck of a person. I was afraid of being judged for my current state of being - and that fear was justified because some of my long-term "friends" were especially critical of the way I was expressing my grief over what happened both with my marriage dissolving, and my relationship with Yak ending so traumatically. Being judged kept me from writing this blog as well. It's hard to put yourself out there, really out there. And I've had folks tell me how brave I am to share my story. But I've also had folks criticize my openness, for writing about events that involve other people. It's a fine line, this online writing thing. I'm committed to writing as honestly as I possibly can, but it may mean that other's feelings may be affected from time to time. It is not my intention to ever hurt another person, or to cause a sense of backlash that results in someone being "cancelled." I'm simply trying to tell my story because I know that in telling it, I have helped both myself and others understand this thing called the human condition.
"Cautious Fox" by Masau |
The end result of all this reflection over many months is that I have become much more cautious in my approach to people. I'm careful of who I say what to now, not in a censorship way, but in a way to ensure my maximum level of emotional safety. I have learned from the past year what I do not want in relationship: I don't want to be with someone who's not committed to unlearning the shit that society has placed upon them (internalized homophobia is so damaging); I don't want to be with someone who de-legitimizes my way of living; I don't want to be with someone who cannot take care of their own affairs (hello emotional labour!); I don't want to be with a person who is afraid of their darkness; I don't want someone who projects their trauma from the past onto me in the present; and I really don't want someone who is going to take me for granted. Because honestly, both Bear and Yak did.
The flip-side to all of that is that I've also learned how to not take others for granted. It's why I've been telling Birdfriend and members of my queer family how much they mean to me. And trying to show up for them as well. Which is finally a possibility for me as my capacity to care for others was greatly diminished during my intense grieving this past year. I've learned to do very important healing work on my inner child and to understand why certain things keep coming up for me in my personal relationships. That work continues to this day, and likely will for some time to come. I've also learned to not allow myself to be seduced by my darkness. I can witness the suicidal thoughts in my head without becoming ensnared in the self-destructive desires that often are elicited by those thoughts. That's been really important - learning not to abandon myself to the negativity that wells up from the depths of my subconscious. It's also really fucking hard work. Some days it's all I can do to get myself up and out of bed, and get to work to be "productive." But I'm doing it. I'm still getting up.
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Photo from this article |
In the past couple of months, I've even started dating again - but in a very casual fashion. I'm really gun-shy about polyamory now after how the Yak made me feel so invalidated about me being polyam. I'm very careful with my feelings - I am determined not to get swept up in NRE nor to escalate anything with any of the people that I'm seeing right now. At the same time, I know that I'm actually protecting myself from falling in love again. The best way I can describe it is like this, I experienced what it was to feel totally in sync with someone - physically, emotionally, spiritually. It was incredible. But then it ended very abruptly and my heart and mind were shattered. I'm afraid of opening up again because I'm afraid of getting shattered by heartbreak. I know that eventually I will find my courage to love again, but I'm not in any hurry to do so.
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Huh, there really is a word for everything! 😄 |
There's much to be done in the coming months... I need to begin my divorce proceedings so that Bear and I can move forward with our lives. I've slowly managed to make peace in my mind around the ending of my marriage. I'm still very sad about it, don't mistake me. It's just that I realized how unhealthy the relationship was for both of us, especially near and during the end. I really just wish Bear a good life, with health and happiness - as he defines it. I still miss him very much. There will never be another Bear for me, not like him. And I will always love him in some capacity. I know that we don't need to be friends going forward. In fact, I think it would be healthier if we weren't friends. But I do wish him well. It feels good to let him go with grace now.
Every day I'm learning. Which is why I look so tired all the time. But it's good stuff. I can feel myself growing. The old shell of me is almost gone - I feel like a different person some days. And while I still have hard days where my Seasonal Affective Disorder is kicking my ass, my thoughts are challenging the darkness and trying to find ways to let the light in. One day at a time.
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Cracks let the light in |