Bi Visibility Day

The impetus for me getting my act together and creating this blog space to write and explore bisexual themes came from Bi Visibility Day last week. I was reading article, after blog post, after editorial, and found that there wasn't a large range to the perspectives being offered on this day of visibility. Most of the commentary was around how bi's are not something. Here's some common examples:

• bi's are not greedy
• bi's are not unethical
• bi's are not fence-sitters
• bi's are not inherently cheaters etc, etc.

It reminds me of how Canadians identify themselves - as not American. But saying that you are not one thing doesn't really make it clear what you are. So I got to thinking, how about we bi's start sharing more about what we are. What our experiences actually are like, rather than defining ourselves or lifestyles in negation to something else. 

I can only speak for myself though. And here's the thing that I found most troubling about the "bi's are not..." articles and posts I was reading on Bi Visibility Day. There seems to be a layer of subtle (and sometimes not-so-subtle) slut-shaming around bi's. Often articles would mention how bisexuals are not unfaithful horndogs trying to hump everything that moved. Its nice to be considered normal and that we bi's can be monogamous and faithful in our partnerships, but it misses the mark on sex-positivity.

Here's the thing, while there are many bi's that aren't actively looking for some action on the side of their relationships (be it another lover, weekend orgies, etc), many queer people are expressing sexuality more freely and socially. Keeping all bi's "respectable" by assuming monogamy is really disrespectful of those of us who prefer to live our sexual potentials to the full. So yes, while some bi's don't like threesomes or orgies, some do, and that's all good. I was really hoping that someone would write a piece from a sex-positive, ethical standpoint to promote a version of bisexuality that is a bit more inclusive, but finding none, I started writing. But I did find this awesome little cartoon:

Society in general is slut-shaming. We praise the sexual prowess of men but shun, condemn, and ridicule women for the same reason. ENOUGH. Its interesting when slut-shaming happens in LGBTQ2 context though as it often comes from those corners where we would have hoped for the most allies....Gays and Lesbians.  In my personal experience, lesbians have been the most critical/judgemental of bisexual women, especially when it comes to sex. They see bi women as "tainted by the penis" (I'm looking at you, gold star lesbians), and as having less discernment when it comes to sex in general. Many lesbians will not date a bi woman for this, and other reasons regarding perceived unethical behaviour.

I enjoy sex. Sex with men, women, threesomes (of which I've had a couple this year), group sex, kink play, public sex - all consensual and all fun! I don't try to make group sex or threesomes happen - they either happen organically or not at all. The sex I have is queer in nature, and is based on pleasure, trust, and safety. You can't be a good slut without responsibility. I enjoy being the giver and the receiver. I enjoy dominating men, woman, and non-binary partners in BDSM play. I enjoy feeling the breadth of sexual experiences that I, a cis-woman, can have. 

Being someone that has a historical need for approval, its taken me a long time to reconcile my love of sex and high sex drive with the idea that I wasn't devaluing myself in society's eyes. I don't feel as though I'm alone in those thoughts. I remember seeing Margaret Cho's stand-up comedy skit at a friends house years ago, and I recall her talking about "Slut Pride" and "Where's my parade?!"  Margaret's stand-up act made me confront my internal slut-shaming. It made me realize that I should celebrate my sexuality and not feel as though I need to tone myself down for anyone. It took some time, but now after I have some amazing slutty sex, I rejoice, brag to friends, and smile with reminiscence during boring staff meetings at my day job.

While some people insist that they don't "miss" the other gender when they are in a relationship, I am one of the few people that would likely be a solid 3 on the Kinsey Scale. I can have romantic/sexual relationships and connections with people of any gender. Instead of trying to squeeze my non-monogamous self into a monogamous-shaped relationship box, I started experimenting with polyamorous relationships a few years ago. I'm not going to go into huge detail about that process in this post, but I will say that finding other ethically non-monogamous people to spend time with, date, and sleep with became so important to my feelings of identity, safety, and fulfillment. And how can I shame myself now that I feel more fulfilled, self-actualized, and live out-loud? I simply cannot. I WILL not. I love my slutty self, and how visible I am. I hope my slutty readers do too.

Coming Out....

I have considered starting this blog many times over the past couple of years. I felt like there was a gap in bisexual writings online that I could fill. But I held myself back time and time again. Who was going to read yet another LGBTQ2 blog about bisexual issues, written by a white, 30's-something, middle-class woman? I felt like my voice would drown out other, marginalized perspectives. So I stayed quiet. But after a while, the feeling of needing to share my viewpoint would crop back up; and recently after reading many articles written by bisexuals, I felt like now was the time to start this blog.

This is my third blog that I've opened up into - the first is a craft blog (still living), the second is a travel blog (dormant until January). My focus this time is on the nature of bisexuality in Western society with an aim to provide a critical and nuanced lens on Bi issues brought up on social and other media. I will offer a perspective from a de-commodified angle to avoid bias and truly understand issues affecting intersectionality in Bi life. Also, I will share personal anecdotes from my life illustrating how these issues affect me in the real world.

Every "out" person has a Coming Out Story. Mine isn't extraordinary. But it does require that I set the background so that what came after makes sense to you, readers.

I am the middle child of a mixed family - my elder brother and I are both adopted (but not biologically related), and my younger sister is the natural/biological child of my two adoptive parents. I was adopted as an infant, and was made aware of my adoption from an early age. Knowing that I was adopted gave me a lens to see the world through: "I am different from....."  This "otherness" stayed with me throughout my childhood and into adolescence. People often referred to me as weird, and as a teen I played up the whole oddball "no one understands me!" card to anyone who would listen.  I was raised very Irish Catholic - I was baptised, had 1st Communion, was confirmed, and went to church every Sunday until I finally put my foot down at the age of 18. My mother was very unhappy about me leaving the church. I didn't have the heart to tell her that in my mind, I had left the church back when I was 15-16 years old and figuring out that I was bisexual.

Which brings me to the coming out....

As most gays and lesbians will tell you, they always knew that they were gay/lez. But bisexual narratives are almost non-existent on this point, unless you are Lady Gaga and just Born this Way. I honestly had NO IDEA that I was bisexual/queer until way later in life. I only thought that I was bisexual at the age of 15 and 16 because I wanted to, and did kiss girls in my peer group. I liked kissing girls, and wanted more.  I can now look back and see the seeds of my bisexual leanings in childhood - I had an unacknowledged crush on my piano teacher of 10 years (I attended piano training from age 8-18); I used to crave carpet-time at grade school where I could be near and touch other girls hair and have them touch my hair; I loved hugging my female friends; and I eventually developed a long-standing crush on a friend from middle-school (which I then had to resolve on my own).

I thought that the next step was to share my new-found sense of self with my family, because feeling one thing but living a different way was painful to my queer adolescent heart. I wanted to be seen. And I wanted acceptance. What I got instead was my dad saying things like "Keep your legs crossed" and "its a phase" (ugh, how many bi's have heard that awful phrase). My mom's response was heavy-handed - "NOT UNDER MY ROOF" and "is that why you spend so much time with your bff?!"  Her reaction to my coming out is not surprising given that she was raised in rural Ireland and any shade of homosexuality meant that you were automatically going to hell. She was probably scared for me. But her reaction really damaged me long term (something she is unaware of).

An ex of mine used to say that hindsight was always 20-20. Looking back now, I can see so clearly how my family's lack of acceptance lead me down some unsafe and unsavory paths. I don't blame my parents for my choices in the past, but I do see how a lack of parental support can lead a suggestive teen into navigating dangerous situations alone. I wish that my parents could either have said something like, "this goes against our religious beliefs, but you are our daughter, and we know that God loves you." If I had that kind of response, I wouldn't have felt the need to instantly disappear back into the closet or throw myself at boys/men who didn't respect me or my body. But I didn't know how to respect myself, communicate my needs, or enforce boundaries when needed. How could I when my parents didn't (or couldn't) offer this support to me as an identity-struggling teen?

I spent YEARS in counselling trying to sort out my identity and feel safe in my sexuality. I only feel as if I have truly integrated as a bisexual/queer person in the past couple of years. Obviously, bisexuality isn't a choice for me. Its simply apart of who I am. And society has started to change too. Now when I come out to people for the first time, their response is usually "Ok, so what?"

The "So What" will be the content of future blog posts. Stay tuned.