I have considered starting this blog many times over the past couple of years. I felt like there was a gap in bisexual writings online that I could fill. But I held myself back time and time again. Who was going to read yet another LGBTQ2 blog about bisexual issues, written by a white, 30's-something, middle-class woman? I felt like my voice would drown out other, marginalized perspectives. So I stayed quiet. But after a while, the feeling of needing to share my viewpoint would crop back up; and recently after reading many articles written by bisexuals, I felt like now was the time to start this blog.
This is my third blog that I've opened up into - the first is a craft blog (still living), the second is a travel blog (dormant until January). My focus this time is on the nature of bisexuality in Western society with an aim to provide a critical and nuanced lens on Bi issues brought up on social and other media. I will offer a perspective from a de-commodified angle to avoid bias and truly understand issues affecting intersectionality in Bi life. Also, I will share personal anecdotes from my life illustrating how these issues affect me in the real world.
Every "out" person has a Coming Out Story. Mine isn't extraordinary. But it does require that I set the background so that what came after makes sense to you, readers.
I am the middle child of a mixed family - my elder brother and I are both adopted (but not biologically related), and my younger sister is the natural/biological child of my two adoptive parents. I was adopted as an infant, and was made aware of my adoption from an early age. Knowing that I was adopted gave me a lens to see the world through: "I am different from....." This "otherness" stayed with me throughout my childhood and into adolescence. People often referred to me as weird, and as a teen I played up the whole oddball "no one understands me!" card to anyone who would listen. I was raised very Irish Catholic - I was baptised, had 1st Communion, was confirmed, and went to church every Sunday until I finally put my foot down at the age of 18. My mother was very unhappy about me leaving the church. I didn't have the heart to tell her that in my mind, I had left the church back when I was 15-16 years old and figuring out that I was bisexual.
Which brings me to the coming out....
As most gays and lesbians will tell you, they always knew that they were gay/lez. But bisexual narratives are almost non-existent on this point, unless you are Lady Gaga and just Born this Way. I honestly had NO IDEA that I was bisexual/queer until way later in life. I only thought that I was bisexual at the age of 15 and 16 because I wanted to, and did kiss girls in my peer group. I liked kissing girls, and wanted more. I can now look back and see the seeds of my bisexual leanings in childhood - I had an unacknowledged crush on my piano teacher of 10 years (I attended piano training from age 8-18); I used to crave carpet-time at grade school where I could be near and touch other girls hair and have them touch my hair; I loved hugging my female friends; and I eventually developed a long-standing crush on a friend from middle-school (which I then had to resolve on my own).
I thought that the next step was to share my new-found sense of self with my family, because feeling one thing but living a different way was painful to my queer adolescent heart. I wanted to be seen. And I wanted acceptance. What I got instead was my dad saying things like "Keep your legs crossed" and "its a phase" (ugh, how many bi's have heard that awful phrase). My mom's response was heavy-handed - "NOT UNDER MY ROOF" and "is that why you spend so much time with your bff?!" Her reaction to my coming out is not surprising given that she was raised in rural Ireland and any shade of homosexuality meant that you were automatically going to hell. She was probably scared for me. But her reaction really damaged me long term (something she is unaware of).
An ex of mine used to say that hindsight was always 20-20. Looking back now, I can see so clearly how my family's lack of acceptance lead me down some unsafe and unsavory paths. I don't blame my parents for my choices in the past, but I do see how a lack of parental support can lead a suggestive teen into navigating dangerous situations alone. I wish that my parents could either have said something like, "this goes against our religious beliefs, but you are our daughter, and we know that God loves you." If I had that kind of response, I wouldn't have felt the need to instantly disappear back into the closet or throw myself at boys/men who didn't respect me or my body. But I didn't know how to respect myself, communicate my needs, or enforce boundaries when needed. How could I when my parents didn't (or couldn't) offer this support to me as an identity-struggling teen?
I spent YEARS in counselling trying to sort out my identity and feel safe in my sexuality. I only feel as if I have truly integrated as a bisexual/queer person in the past couple of years. Obviously, bisexuality isn't a choice for me. Its simply apart of who I am. And society has started to change too. Now when I come out to people for the first time, their response is usually "Ok, so what?"
The "So What" will be the content of future blog posts. Stay tuned.
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