The Myth of the "One"

Growing up, I thought that I was heterosexual because I knew I liked boys and because I was raised to be hetero by my family and by society. I wasn't aware of nor educated about the possibility that I might be anything other than straight. Thus, I grew up oblivious to what a lot of my heart's desires meant (e.g. wanting to be physically close to girls etc). As approximately 90% of humans are straight, I suppose this de facto heteronormativity makes some sort of sense. However, the assumptions that goes along with it can be damaging in the long-run for the 10% of kids that don't fit the programming that their parents try to instill in them.

What tends to go along with the default socialization of children into socially typical gender roles is what I call the myth of the One. This is the notion that every person on the planet has a single soul mate, other half, better half, or complimentary piece to fit in that hole in ourselves to feel complete. This belief is so pervasive, it has been around since the time of Plato:

Although I have to say I prefer this version from Hedwig & the Angry Inch

Anyone who has listened to the radio, watched a romcom or Disney film, or has read Twilight (I know you're out there people!) has been exposed to the idea of the One. Find the One and everything in your life will work out for the best, fall into place, make sense etc. There are self-help books, websites, and seminars to help you find and keep the One. There are pages and pages of "inspirational quotes" about finding the One. Here's a gem I found that made me gag:

Umm, what?!

When I was with my ex (let's call him Seabass) many moons ago, I truly believed that he was my One. We met during a street music festival one night in a small town in Quebec, something that I thought was romantic as hell. Seabass and I believed our connection was special and something straight out of a movie. We even talked about our relationship abstractly in those terms, and I started a scrapbook that began with "Once upon a time..." (I'm shuddering inwardly as I type this). Seabass and I had what I call a "looks great on paper" relationship. We were both professionally employed, stable, clean, and outdoorsy people. We went on trips abroad together. We spent time with both sets of parents. Towards the second half of our relationship, things started to feel like a sham for me. I was so invested in the fairytale of the One, that I stayed in that relationship much longer that I should have.

Thus, the myth of the One was damaging for me. How was I supposed to move forward in life and love when my fairytale ending with Seabass never came to be? I felt lost. The compass by which I had been setting much of my life by was now defunct. I was heartbroken and painfully disillusioned. I felt cynical and scared. I decided that it was best if I stopped dating altogether.

After a while, I fell in love again. This time with a woman. And I began to explore the concept of the One with a woman - maybe my One is supposed to be female? However, it became clear that no, that wouldn't work either because I was seeking something that I could not find from one person no matter what gender they were or how many people I dated. Around the time that that relationship was starting to go south, I befriended a non-binary person named J who was very open about their polyamorous practices. I asked questions, I contemplated if poly would be a good fit for my needs, I researched, and I came across really helpful videos like this one that normalized my desires and feelings:

And one day, while doing some household chores, I came across an original drawing that made me go huh:

The title reads Reclaiming my own Energy - November 2003. Its a self-portrait of sorts.

Sometimes I have to laugh at myself (and my intuition). I created this image even though I had no idea that a heart with an infinity overlay was the symbol of polyamory! And this was before my relationship with Seabass! Maybe my subconscious knew all along that I was poly and was trying to communicate with my ego.

The Bear recently asked me when I decided to "go poly." After looking back over my life and dating experience, I would say that I have always been poly.  I just didn't have the awareness, language, or socially-approved script to follow to make it a part of my conscious lifestyle until the past few years. I also have come to realize that poly allows for several Ones to coexist in your life at the same time. Each person that you are partnered with brings value, joy, and love to your life. AND poly is realistic in that no one person is expected to fulfill all your needs - which takes pressure off one person trying to be your everything. Thus, I would say that poly makes love more fair for all Ones involved.

But what about commitment? What about it? Folks who think that polyamorous people can't commit are dead wrong. I would say that poly requires more commitment because you need to commit your time, energy, and resources to more than one person. Thus, I feel that poly has made me a more loving, more committed partner to my loves. And it feels good to have finally arrived at a place where I feel my needs are met, I'm committed to and happy with all my Ones, and that I no longer feel lost when navigating through the relationships of the world.

Privacy and Poly Backlash

What happens when you write openly about your experience on the internet is that it opens up possibilities for others to be exposed to your worldview, interests, lifestyle choices etc. It also opens up the door to trolls, upset family members who either didn't know or simply "don't get it," and folks who want to dissect/deconstruct everything you write until the meaning gets lost.

While I don't consider myself thin-skinned, I did have some backlash earlier this week that made my head whip around at 90 miles an hour - I was that surprised by the source...

Bear's niece (who is close to my age) read some of this blog and flipped out earlier this week. Instead of coming to Bear or myself to understand the situation, she called her mom and freaked out. Then her mom called Bear, and well, if you have any experience with family triangulation, you get the idea. Bear straightened out both his sister and his niece - but not without making it clear to me that he has some reservations about my writing as he is a much more private person than I am. He was not open to his family about our poly situation. Hence, the reaction of his niece. The conversations he had to have this week were uncomfortable, but ultimately the best thing for his family and for us. (Aside: I'm open with my birth family, but not my adoptive family - separate blog post about that later).

This little blip of an event this week got me thinking about how the media and society tends to judge polyamory and how much backlash exists from folks who, as previously mentioned, just don't get it.

Earlier this week I was enraged by this article (and the video therein) on HuffPost. Part of my anger had to do with how the article/video misused the term polyamory - the article really was about open relationships and was sexually-focussed, something that polyamory isn't necessarily about in the real world. There are many forms of non-monogamy, and poly is just one form. Here's a simple diagram to illustrate my point:

Thus, polyamory is a form of non-monogamy; and I would argue that these terms cannot be used interchangeably because they mean different things.

The main reason why I was so angry about this article was mostly because it seemed to me that the narrator was trying to convince listeners that humans are inherently: possessive, jealous, needy, unable to communicate, unable to cope with multiple people who care about you, and immature. It felt like a bit of a cop-out to be honest. Maybe the point of the video was to scare people off of non-monogamy? Maybe the narrator had a bad experience as is trying to "enlighten" his audience? Who knows? While it's true that polyamory can be challenging, the pay-off in terms of love and affection and companionship are worth those challenges.

Another reason why this article and accompanying video bothered me was about how cis-normative and couple-centred it was. While I have a cis-male primary partner who I'm planning big life commitments with, I practice queer solo poly in that no one makes decisions for me and none of my partners are romantically involved with each other. But there are so many other forms of poly that get erased or ignored because they are happening outside of cis/white/heteronormative culture. Here's a really great comic that nails it:

Especially #3!

Another sticking point for me was when the narrator described polyamory as "freewheeling." This is unfortunately not the first time I've heard this phrase thrown out there by the mainstream media when polyamory is being discussed. I would say that swingers are probably a bit more freewheeling - but again, that's a different kind of non-monogamy. Real polyamory requires communicating the tough stuff to find a mutually beneficial way forward. It takes a willingness to work on your stuff and to learn and grow as a person and as a partner to others. I know this sounds complicated, and some would argue that polyamory is complex - but it's only as complex as the people in it! Each poly connection is unique and has it's own set of rules, boundaries, and sometimes vernacular. People have different needs and poly allows you to customize your relationship in a way that supports those needs. Those needs could be sexual, kinky but non-sexual, companionship, activity partner, or a life partner of some shade or stripe. Poly truly is a custom job!

Poly is good for me, Bear, Birdfriend, and Yak but for different reasons for each person. With Bear, it's because he is cis-male and he cannot meet my needs regarding loving/being sexual with women; because he's not into the same kinks as me; and because he works so much and doesn't want me to be lonely (companionship). With Birdfriend, it's because we both have similar kinks and D/s desires; we both really enjoy each other's company; and we have common life goals. Our relationship isn't sexual, except in certain D/s contexts. With Yak, it's because she's not looking for a primary relationship but still wants connection and sexual intimacy with a woman - something that fits my need for that pretty well.

I will never say that "poly is the future of relationships" because I honestly don't know that it will be. I think that over time, society will start to relax more and become more inclusive/accepting of poly relationships and we can stop being so judgy about relationships that fall outside of the norm. That, at least, is my hope.