Privacy and Poly Backlash

What happens when you write openly about your experience on the internet is that it opens up possibilities for others to be exposed to your worldview, interests, lifestyle choices etc. It also opens up the door to trolls, upset family members who either didn't know or simply "don't get it," and folks who want to dissect/deconstruct everything you write until the meaning gets lost.

While I don't consider myself thin-skinned, I did have some backlash earlier this week that made my head whip around at 90 miles an hour - I was that surprised by the source...

Bear's niece (who is close to my age) read some of this blog and flipped out earlier this week. Instead of coming to Bear or myself to understand the situation, she called her mom and freaked out. Then her mom called Bear, and well, if you have any experience with family triangulation, you get the idea. Bear straightened out both his sister and his niece - but not without making it clear to me that he has some reservations about my writing as he is a much more private person than I am. He was not open to his family about our poly situation. Hence, the reaction of his niece. The conversations he had to have this week were uncomfortable, but ultimately the best thing for his family and for us. (Aside: I'm open with my birth family, but not my adoptive family - separate blog post about that later).

This little blip of an event this week got me thinking about how the media and society tends to judge polyamory and how much backlash exists from folks who, as previously mentioned, just don't get it.

Earlier this week I was enraged by this article (and the video therein) on HuffPost. Part of my anger had to do with how the article/video misused the term polyamory - the article really was about open relationships and was sexually-focussed, something that polyamory isn't necessarily about in the real world. There are many forms of non-monogamy, and poly is just one form. Here's a simple diagram to illustrate my point:

Thus, polyamory is a form of non-monogamy; and I would argue that these terms cannot be used interchangeably because they mean different things.

The main reason why I was so angry about this article was mostly because it seemed to me that the narrator was trying to convince listeners that humans are inherently: possessive, jealous, needy, unable to communicate, unable to cope with multiple people who care about you, and immature. It felt like a bit of a cop-out to be honest. Maybe the point of the video was to scare people off of non-monogamy? Maybe the narrator had a bad experience as is trying to "enlighten" his audience? Who knows? While it's true that polyamory can be challenging, the pay-off in terms of love and affection and companionship are worth those challenges.

Another reason why this article and accompanying video bothered me was about how cis-normative and couple-centred it was. While I have a cis-male primary partner who I'm planning big life commitments with, I practice queer solo poly in that no one makes decisions for me and none of my partners are romantically involved with each other. But there are so many other forms of poly that get erased or ignored because they are happening outside of cis/white/heteronormative culture. Here's a really great comic that nails it:

Especially #3!

Another sticking point for me was when the narrator described polyamory as "freewheeling." This is unfortunately not the first time I've heard this phrase thrown out there by the mainstream media when polyamory is being discussed. I would say that swingers are probably a bit more freewheeling - but again, that's a different kind of non-monogamy. Real polyamory requires communicating the tough stuff to find a mutually beneficial way forward. It takes a willingness to work on your stuff and to learn and grow as a person and as a partner to others. I know this sounds complicated, and some would argue that polyamory is complex - but it's only as complex as the people in it! Each poly connection is unique and has it's own set of rules, boundaries, and sometimes vernacular. People have different needs and poly allows you to customize your relationship in a way that supports those needs. Those needs could be sexual, kinky but non-sexual, companionship, activity partner, or a life partner of some shade or stripe. Poly truly is a custom job!

Poly is good for me, Bear, Birdfriend, and Yak but for different reasons for each person. With Bear, it's because he is cis-male and he cannot meet my needs regarding loving/being sexual with women; because he's not into the same kinks as me; and because he works so much and doesn't want me to be lonely (companionship). With Birdfriend, it's because we both have similar kinks and D/s desires; we both really enjoy each other's company; and we have common life goals. Our relationship isn't sexual, except in certain D/s contexts. With Yak, it's because she's not looking for a primary relationship but still wants connection and sexual intimacy with a woman - something that fits my need for that pretty well.

I will never say that "poly is the future of relationships" because I honestly don't know that it will be. I think that over time, society will start to relax more and become more inclusive/accepting of poly relationships and we can stop being so judgy about relationships that fall outside of the norm. That, at least, is my hope.