I've been putting off writing any blogs that are political in nature since I started this blog because I wanted to focus on my own experiences and not get sucked into writing reactionary pieces to what is going on in the world (well, North America to be specific). I shared thoughts and things that happened to me, and always from my particular poly perspective.
The US election came and went and I wrote nothing about it. The insidious rolling back of personal liberties and freedoms in the guise of religious freedoms started happening in the US and I wrote nothing about it. Blatant racism happened in my city and country, but I did not write about it. So many bloggers, vloggers, journalists, pundits, and anyone with internet access has weighed in with their opinion on the devolution of the American Way of Life and I have not.
But I don't think I can avoid writing non-politically in my blog anymore. Being Canadian, I'm afforded a comfortable distance from the madness of US politics right now. I get to make fun of how things are going down south, and get to share memes like this one:
This would be funny if we didn't also know that the fire will spread this way...
But the fire IS spreading north, and it has already reared its ugly head with the horrifying mosque shootings in Quebec earlier this year. And I'm worried that it's only going to get worse. For Canadians follow their neighbours to the south when it comes to the economy, film/tv, fashion, etc. We simply cannot afford to be complacent.
The demonization and disenfranchisement of any person who isn't white, Christian, straight, monogamous, and (usually) cis-male by Drumph (I refuse to use his real name) and his appointees is all but written into public policy now. Real world consequences are happening: from folks being refused entry into the States; to folks being denied access to healthcare originally promised by the former government; to the fact that Drumph sent a member of a hate-group to a UN meeting on preventing violence against women. You can't make this shit up!
To top it all off, Drumph wants to change the nature of last bastion of personal expressive freedom - he wants to censor the internet.
And it's already begun...
Yesterday, I saw lots of stories circulating from YouTube vloggers that I follow that their content was no longer able to be seen on YouTube. This is because YouTube now has a function that you have to decide if you want to use or not - a "restricted mode." The point of this mode is to protect children from seeing inappropriate content, something that I understand. However, what is troubling is that, YouTube has put itself in charge of deciding what videos are objectionable or inappropriate. Now, it isn’t exactly clear how videos are flagged as mature or inappropriate; it could very well be based on flags reported by users or it could be a group of people within YouTube making such decisions. (from this link)
I read in an online community that the flagging was happening automatically. So somewhere down the line, someone decided that LGBTQ2 topics should be "restricted" and hidden from the main search function in YouTube, a platform that millions of people connect to daily around the world. Which leads me to wonder, WHY is it that LGBTQ2 themes are considered not appropriate for children? Kids come in all shades of the rainbow too, and need to have places to gain awareness, information, support, and community and YouTube has been providing that for years. Sure, some content should be restricted, but this is YouTube, not XTube FFS!
This video brought this issue to the forefront:
Even my favourite bi vlogger wasn't immune:
YouTube - now with more bi-erasure. Article link here.
Oiy, this is a painful issue for sure. LGBTQ2 people have been working so hard for so long to gain a place in society, only now to have their existence called into question time and time again as "appropriate." It's 2017, and it's time to get real about why these things are happening. We need to put pressure on companies, corporations, and government to let them know that we are here, queer, and NOT going away. That we will stand up and have our voices heard, and that we will share information as freely as possible on the internet because it belongs to everyone, and everyone deserves respect and representation.
For my family and friends reading this blog, you will know that right now I'm in the throes of intensive wedding plans as the "big day" is just over nine weeks away now (cue internal screaming). I'm trying to not let the planning take over my life, but as the days count down, it's getting harder and harder not to be completely immersed in wedding-related items. Lately, it's started to feel a bit like this:
Bear and I had a funny moment last weekend. He came over early for snuggles and looked at me and said "we are getting married in 10 weeks." My response? "Ugh, I know." And then we both burst out laughing...
It's funny, but after my "divorce" (9 years ago now!) I never thought that I would consider getting married again. I was living common law with my ex, and we had talked extensively about getting married and making babies. But when that relationship fell apart, I realized that not only had I duped myself into thinking that that person was supposed to be a life partner, but how my perception on the concept of marriage wasn't all that positive or healthy. I saw my parents and so many other friend's parents go through tough times and divorce. I thought that being married meant I had to sacrifice myself to something "greater." How could I give up so much of myself to be someone's everything forever? (my, how my thinking has changed since then!)
So what happened? Well, time passed and I did some deep soul searching on the subject. I spoke with my moms (adoptive and birth) about what marriage meant to them. I read books like Marriage A History and Committed. I stopped being naive about Disney-style relationships and marriages. I had discussions with my counsellor about marriage. I thought about marriages I knew that were successful, and ones that weren't. I studied the research around marriage and happiness and health. I went deep inside myself and thought about what is it that I want. Marriage wasn't necessarily the be-all and end-all that I had originally thought that it was. I didn't need to marry in order to feel as though my role in society could be fulfilled. I didn't need to get married to find happiness or purpose.
However, I was open to considering marriage, should it come up with the right person, at the right time. Further, with my new-ish polyamorous paradigm, I began to view marriage as not a requirement for a "successful" long term relationship but as something that was an option if parties were interested and willing.
A "successful" relationship isn't necessarily one that has longevity. I also think that the "until death do you part" language pressures people into a vow that is not realistic nor necessarily healthy.
When Bear and I first got together about 5 years ago, he was very serious with his relationship intentions. "If we do this [relationship], I'm all in." And he meant it. It was clear to me that this man wanted something specific from me, and was focussed on getting it. While this direct approach was a bit overwhelming at first, this trait is one that I'm grateful for in Bear. I always know exactly what he's thinking because he tells me straight out. And I've tried to be as direct and forthcoming about my thoughts and feelings with him. Over the past few years, we have spoken and shared our feelings on marriage vs. living common law. We have spoken about having children vs. not having children. We've communicated about our relationship fears and how we can move past old patterns of thinking and behaving.
A few months ago in my It's Complicated but not Really post, I talk about what a primary partner means to me. It's namely around legal stuff - combining finances, emergency contact etc - but it's also around family stuff - namely marriage and children. While I'm open to exploring the concept of family outside of heteronormative monogamy, with Bear this notion of family is probably a bit normative in nature. When Bear proposed in August 2015 and I said yes, followed by, "You know that I can't do monogamy, right?" to which he said, "Monogamy wouldn't work for us." Indeed, monogamy won't work for us. As a framework, it does not allow for my sexual identity to be actualized nor does it meet my need and drive to share my love and body with others. It also constrains Bear too. Monogamy would mean a closed relationship for him as well, and I want to ensure that he has opportunities to play and connect with people outside of our relationship. Plus (and it's taken me a while to figure this out), Bear loves me, all of me - my bi/queer/kinky/poly self. I think this Kimchi Cuddles cartoon expresses this well:
Bear has even said similar things to me. I'm so appreciative of how he sees and respects/accepts me.
I'm super grateful to have a primary partner who loves me for who I am and is willing to build something together with me (even if that something is a nebulous concept at times).
This whole marriage thing has also effected my other relationships. I know that for a time, Birdfriend was unsure about where they stood with me in relation to Bear. As time progressed however, our relationship deepened into a chosen-family, bff, with D/s overtone; and when I started calling them my non-primary partner (with Bear's awareness and understanding), I think that made things more solid for Birdfriend. I think that having their position affirmed helped reduce their stress level and make them feel more included in my life. Bear and Birdfriend have a good friendship, which is made stronger by their shared love of me. They both want nothing but the best for me. And they both understand how the other person is important to me. Birdfriend is happy for me with this wedding - their excitement and support has been very bolstering when I feel overwhelmed by everything.
Regarding the Yak, I know that all this wedding prep and planning has been interesting exposure for her as the Bear and I do things differently. She's experiencing something new with me, and I am too with her... I try my best to assure her that she is important to me, and while our relationship may or may not really change after I get married, I try to focus on the moment with Yak, within the boundaries of our relationship, and try be as authentic as possible. I make space in my mind, in my heart, and in my day for Yak. I am curious about continuing this connection but without putting a hard label on it or any futuristic directional plans. I know that at the heart of our connection, a strong, respectful friendship exists that will carry us as our path unfolds.
It's interesting for me to feel so much love for Yak while I'm planning a wedding with Bear. But these thoughts and feelings of love don't "compete" in my mind, if anything they create more love. I feel this cascading exponential effect of love in my body - it's hard to describe. But it feels wonderful and buoyant. It brings me great joy that is hard to contain sometimes (and I do have a hard time containing it). And I share this love outwards with each of my three sweeties and onwards towards my friends and family.
On my wedding day, it's going to be interesting having all three there with me - Bear as my husbear-to-be, and Birdfriend and Yak there cheering us on and supporting me. I'm planning on having a photo of the four of us together. A loving portrait that I will cherish for many moons to come, I'm sure. I'll need to be mindful of the older folks coming to the event who aren't fully aware of our poly connections. But it's very important to me that although the day is officially Bear's and mine, I want both Birdfriend and Yak to be included and feel important. Because they are. Just as important, I want Bear and I to revel in "our day," because it only comes around once.
I'm curious about how poly is going to play out over the long term in my marriage to Bear. It's rather timely that this article came across my Facebook feed this week, and it was good to get some perspective. I know that there will be ebb and flow in our poly connections over time, and there may even come a time when we need to close our relationship for a time for various reasons. For now, we stay in the moment and feel the excitement for our upcoming ceremony, and gratitude for the many loving connections that surround and sustain us.
