Bear and I had a funny moment last weekend. He came over early for snuggles and looked at me and said "we are getting married in 10 weeks." My response? "Ugh, I know." And then we both burst out laughing...
It's funny, but after my "divorce" (9 years ago now!) I never thought that I would consider getting married again. I was living common law with my ex, and we had talked extensively about getting married and making babies. But when that relationship fell apart, I realized that not only had I duped myself into thinking that that person was supposed to be a life partner, but how my perception on the concept of marriage wasn't all that positive or healthy. I saw my parents and so many other friend's parents go through tough times and divorce. I thought that being married meant I had to sacrifice myself to something "greater." How could I give up so much of myself to be someone's everything forever? (my, how my thinking has changed since then!)
So what happened? Well, time passed and I did some deep soul searching on the subject. I spoke with my moms (adoptive and birth) about what marriage meant to them. I read books like Marriage A History and Committed. I stopped being naive about Disney-style relationships and marriages. I had discussions with my counsellor about marriage. I thought about marriages I knew that were successful, and ones that weren't. I studied the research around marriage and happiness and health. I went deep inside myself and thought about what is it that I want. Marriage wasn't necessarily the be-all and end-all that I had originally thought that it was. I didn't need to marry in order to feel as though my role in society could be fulfilled. I didn't need to get married to find happiness or purpose.
However, I was open to considering marriage, should it come up with the right person, at the right time. Further, with my new-ish polyamorous paradigm, I began to view marriage as not a requirement for a "successful" long term relationship but as something that was an option if parties were interested and willing.
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| A "successful" relationship isn't necessarily one that has longevity. I also think that the "until death do you part" language pressures people into a vow that is not realistic nor necessarily healthy. |
When Bear and I first got together about 5 years ago, he was very serious with his relationship intentions. "If we do this [relationship], I'm all in." And he meant it. It was clear to me that this man wanted something specific from me, and was focussed on getting it. While this direct approach was a bit overwhelming at first, this trait is one that I'm grateful for in Bear. I always know exactly what he's thinking because he tells me straight out. And I've tried to be as direct and forthcoming about my thoughts and feelings with him. Over the past few years, we have spoken and shared our feelings on marriage vs. living common law. We have spoken about having children vs. not having children. We've communicated about our relationship fears and how we can move past old patterns of thinking and behaving.
A few months ago in my It's Complicated but not Really post, I talk about what a primary partner means to me. It's namely around legal stuff - combining finances, emergency contact etc - but it's also around family stuff - namely marriage and children. While I'm open to exploring the concept of family outside of heteronormative monogamy, with Bear this notion of family is probably a bit normative in nature. When Bear proposed in August 2015 and I said yes, followed by, "You know that I can't do monogamy, right?" to which he said, "Monogamy wouldn't work for us." Indeed, monogamy won't work for us. As a framework, it does not allow for my sexual identity to be actualized nor does it meet my need and drive to share my love and body with others. It also constrains Bear too. Monogamy would mean a closed relationship for him as well, and I want to ensure that he has opportunities to play and connect with people outside of our relationship. Plus (and it's taken me a while to figure this out), Bear loves me, all of me - my bi/queer/kinky/poly self. I think this Kimchi Cuddles cartoon expresses this well:
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| Bear has even said similar things to me. I'm so appreciative of how he sees and respects/accepts me. |
This whole marriage thing has also effected my other relationships. I know that for a time, Birdfriend was unsure about where they stood with me in relation to Bear. As time progressed however, our relationship deepened into a chosen-family, bff, with D/s overtone; and when I started calling them my non-primary partner (with Bear's awareness and understanding), I think that made things more solid for Birdfriend. I think that having their position affirmed helped reduce their stress level and make them feel more included in my life. Bear and Birdfriend have a good friendship, which is made stronger by their shared love of me. They both want nothing but the best for me. And they both understand how the other person is important to me. Birdfriend is happy for me with this wedding - their excitement and support has been very bolstering when I feel overwhelmed by everything.
Regarding the Yak, I know that all this wedding prep and planning has been interesting exposure for her as the Bear and I do things differently. She's experiencing something new with me, and I am too with her... I try my best to assure her that she is important to me, and while our relationship may or may not really change after I get married, I try to focus on the moment with Yak, within the boundaries of our relationship, and try be as authentic as possible. I make space in my mind, in my heart, and in my day for Yak. I am curious about continuing this connection but without putting a hard label on it or any futuristic directional plans. I know that at the heart of our connection, a strong, respectful friendship exists that will carry us as our path unfolds.
It's interesting for me to feel so much love for Yak while I'm planning a wedding with Bear. But these thoughts and feelings of love don't "compete" in my mind, if anything they create more love. I feel this cascading exponential effect of love in my body - it's hard to describe. But it feels wonderful and buoyant. It brings me great joy that is hard to contain sometimes (and I do have a hard time containing it). And I share this love outwards with each of my three sweeties and onwards towards my friends and family.
On my wedding day, it's going to be interesting having all three there with me - Bear as my husbear-to-be, and Birdfriend and Yak there cheering us on and supporting me. I'm planning on having a photo of the four of us together. A loving portrait that I will cherish for many moons to come, I'm sure. I'll need to be mindful of the older folks coming to the event who aren't fully aware of our poly connections. But it's very important to me that although the day is officially Bear's and mine, I want both Birdfriend and Yak to be included and feel important. Because they are. Just as important, I want Bear and I to revel in "our day," because it only comes around once.
I'm curious about how poly is going to play out over the long term in my marriage to Bear. It's rather timely that this article came across my Facebook feed this week, and it was good to get some perspective. I know that there will be ebb and flow in our poly connections over time, and there may even come a time when we need to close our relationship for a time for various reasons. For now, we stay in the moment and feel the excitement for our upcoming ceremony, and gratitude for the many loving connections that surround and sustain us.
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