#metoo, #nowwhat, and #wheredowegofromhere?

Since the New York Times broke the news about the Hollywood scumbag, Harvey Weinstein, about six + weeks ago, I've been in an emotional place. I find myself sad, angry, sometimes enveloped in full-blown feminist rage; while at the same time, I'm a really exhausted survivor trying to deal with the overflow of hardcore news about sexual violence on my Facebook feed. As more and more women came forward about Harvey (the current count is at 65 btw), so too did the stories of sexual abuse of many women, men, and non-binary folks assaulted at the hands of powerful men until it flooded the daily news cycle. You can't ignore the critical mass of folks screaming #metoo anymore, which is arguably, a good thing.

Cartoon figures of many backgrounds and genders stand in a #metoo formation.

And yet, the #metoo campaign put the onus of abuse on the victims and not on the perpetrators. Well, that my friends is starting to change. People are now starting to have real dialogue about sexual assault and abuse and looking at some rather uncomfortable truths. Some men have started to make efforts and take responsibility by sharing the #Iwillspeakup call to action. Men are starting to realize that:

"...it's not just Hollywood. Viewing women as objects, property and having less value than men is something that all males have been taught, even by 'well-meaning men,' and we pass that on to our boys. So this has to become a men's issue, because men won't stop unless other men say so." [A Call to Men co-founder Ted Bunch].

A major uncomfortable truth is that cis men are the ones that perpetrate sexual crimes. There's no mincing my words here. After doing some rather depressing research into sexual assault statistics, I have to say that it's clear that the data is heavily skewed towards the ubiquitous nature of sexual violence perpetrated by men towards people of all genders.

Men comprise 93%-99% of perpetrators of sexual violence

This is so disheartening. No caption really needed....

WTF is going on?! Well, dear readers, what we are seeing is the ugly up-ending of a Pandora's box called Rape Culture. If you don't know what Rape Culture is, I highly suggest you read this article and this blog post. Rape Culture affects all of us, whether or not we are aware of it. It's why I ask my female and non-binary friends to text me when they get home safely after taking transit/walking home. It's why I sometimes carry my keys in my hands when I'm alone at night, in case someone tries to grab me and I need them as a weapon. It's why I sit near the driver on a late-night bus if I'm alone. It's why I constantly turn around when I'm walking on the street alone if I feel like someone is following me. It's why I won't go out to certain bars where I know that sexual predation is likely. It's why I sometimes pretend I don't speak English if a man is harassing me on the street. I could go on.

With the sexual abuse whistleblowing that's going on, no one is "safe" from being called out. But I want to make something really really clear here, this is NOT a witch-hunt. Women, boys, and gender-diverse people have been historically wronged by so many men in so many ways over so many centuries (and some, including me, would argue that this has been taking place over millennia). People are finally coming together and saying ENOUGH to systemic Rape Culture. Victims are no longer willing to stay silent, and we are coming out in force to say that the time has come for this awful power imbalance bullshit to end.

I was really disheartened when a comedian that I happen to enjoy (well, 80% of the time anyways), was revealed to be a sexual predator. I'm talking about Louis CK here. He issued an "apology" that really wasn't an apology. What it was, was an acknowledgement of his wrongdoing, but that's it. I agree wholeheartedly with what Franchesca Ramsey said about Louis. This response on Twitter kind of sums it up better than I could write it out:

Many of his friends have now had to come forward and deal with the fallout from these allegations. I was really touched by Sarah Silverman's response to the whole deal:

Going back to the "evidence," there is an obvious trend in the statistical data that shows how there is often an age element to sexual violence - another indicator of this type of behaviour being about power and not about sex at all.... And that's where I need to talk about another predator, and hopeful Alabama Senate candidate, Roy Moore. Moore has been accused by 9 (and counting) women of inappropriate sexual advances and groping when they were underage. He was even banned by his local mall for stalking and irritating teenagers when he was in his 30's. The Sears in his home town had a "Roy Moore Protocol" so that young employees knew to call over a supervisor if they saw him in the store if they were working alone. And now he's running for state senator of Alabama. And his local supporters are rabidly defending him more now that he's been accused by multiple women. Let that sink in a bit, and you'll begin to understand the depth of Rape Culture.

Not sure if you can read it, but it says "for 83% of sexual assault cases, the accused person was older than the victim."

It's also been a bit frustrating to see once great politicians, who had come out against Harvey Weinstein and others, to then get "fingered" as a sexual perpetrator. I'm talking about Al Franken, unfortunately. I was a big fan of Senator Franken, but now, I'm just as disgusted by him as by so many others that behave in this fashion. And like Louis CK, Franken issued a non-apologetic apology to his victim and called for an ethics investigation into himself. Furthermore, there is an informal "Creep List" of approximately 50+ men that exists in Washington DC, and female politicians/government workers have shared protocols to help each other avoid sexual predation. I wish I was making this up.

So what do we do now? Well, I think it's time we look at how we raise and socialize boys and girls differently. It's time that we stop "protecting" the egos of boys and men (especially around sex) and teach them how to treat everyone with respect. Michelle Obama said it best, I think,

“Are we protecting our men too much so they feel a little entitled and self-righteous sometimes? But, that’s kind of on us too as women and mothers, as we nurture men and push girls to be perfect.” She also joked with men that they need to take a cue from women and talk with one another more than they do.

“Y’all should get you some friends,” she laughed, pointing to the men in the audience. “Y’all need to go talk to each other about your stuff, because there’s so much of it! And it's messy. Talk about why y’all are the way you are.”

It's no surprise that women talk more to each other about what's going on at a deep level for them. Women are encouraged to be that way. But men, well, I can't say what dudes talk about when no women are around...but I'd like to offer a challenge to the men in my life. I want you to look at your past and current actions, thoughts, and attitudes about women. Have you transgressed in the past? Do you find yourself not believing the ubiquity of sexual violence towards women, trans and non-binary folks, and children? Do you think that all these allegations are just a snowball effect and not real? Do you find yourself blaming victims for not coming forward sooner? Do you feel that your sexual needs are more interesting/important than your partners'? Do you sometimes have sex with your partner even though she/he/they don't really seem into it at the time (but you think you can get them in the mood)? These are tough questions to ask yourselves guys. I believe that it's critical for men to do this type of self-reflection right now. 

What do you do if you are a man who has sexually harassed someone? How do you own up to your actions, make real amends, and find a way to heal yourself and any victims you made? A friend of mine on Facebook posted this gem of an article. It gives clear steps on how former perpetrators can now make a difference in the lives of the people that they negatively affected. I can image that a truly repentant individual would find this a difficult journey to move forward and heal from, but it's so important to support these efforts.

I could write about my own experiences of sexual harassment, assault, and rape, but I feel as though I have already addressed that in other blog posts. For myself, I want to ensure that there is awareness about these issues, that my words affect change, and that I foster the creation of Consent Culture everywhere I go. Here's a fantastic comic by Kimchi Cuddles about consent:

Consent means checking in even after "things get started" to ensure your partner is totally present and on board with your activities. Don't make assumptions!

 And the comic below really drives the point home, I think, about how sex isn't something that's given or taken from another person, it's a creative process that involves two or more people - an action, not a thing. We need to teach our children and our society how to infuse all interpersonal interactions with respect. We need to understand that consent isn't just about sex - it's applicable for any form of touch (for example, I like to be asked if I want a hug, rather than have someone launch-hug me). If we started this respectful practice from a young age, imagine how quickly the prevalence of sexual violence would drop. But today is not yet that day, and there is still much to be done. Please be a part of the conversation, take some action today to help change systematic misogyny and rape culture. It's up to ALL of us to make a change.

October flew past like a banshee

It's been a rather busy month. Upon moving into my new shared den with Bear, we discovered a backup in our kitchen sink with a leak that went under the cabinets, oven, and seeped through the drywall and into the carpet in my bedroom. Seriously! I opened the door and that was the first thing I saw! So now our den is in a state of deconstruction while we wait for the restoration folks to send workers over to put our Humpty-Dumpty kitchen back together again. It's been more than three weeks without a kitchen sink or dishwasher, and we are not able to unpack and settle in the way we would like to.


October included important weeks like Mental Health Awareness Week and Invisible Disabilities Week. As I'm impacted by both of these issues, I had planned to write blog content about how I was engaging with it and also how I'm doing on those fronts. But then I caught a really horrible viral cold that knocked my ass flat for over a week and my brain capacity dwindled to what little I could manage.

Mental Health Awareness Week was brought to my attention at work (of all places) as my employer has been pushing for more awareness among it's workers on this front (and other wellness initiatives), which is positive. However, it also felt a little like lip-service as there was no real discussion of it in the workplace. I recall telling certain coworkers earlier this spring that I suffered from depression and S.A.D. I told them that when I'm at my lowest point, I feel so incredibly alone and that I believe no one cares at all about me. I know that these thoughts aren't mirroring reality, but this is how depression works folks. I think that was a bit tough for my coworkers to hear and they promptly changed the subject. But it's true. I've been struggling with the onset of my S.A.D. I can feel it creeping into my brain with foggy, dull wispy fingers. I sometimes feel powerless to stop it.

I'm trying to go outside every day that it's dry, and even if it's raining to get some "real air" into my lungs as recycled building air gets to me in winter time. I sometimes wonder that my depression will damage my romantic relationships. It does get in the way sometimes, and I internalize some guilt over it. I don't like being depressed. Most people seem surprised upon meeting me that I have it. But it's a real thing for me, and I'm trying to face it during a time when I feel really messed up and want to withdraw. But here I am, trying.

Invisible Disabilities Week as actually a "thing" I "celebrated" this year. I even changed my Facebook profile picture to include a frame to share my status with folks to raise awareness about how prevalent these types of disabilities are (in fact, they comprise the BULK of all disabilities). Firstly, let's define what a disability is with a friendly bear's help:

OK, so what are invisible disabilities? Well, there are many, many, many kinds. Here are just a few examples:

I've become disabled through three car accidents that took place about 7 years ago now. While I've definitely gained much of my functionality back over time, the chronic pain and muscle inflammation, chronic TMJ, and pelvic floor issues have kept me feeling like I've been treading water nonstop for the past several years. It's exhausting. My life is often about pain-mitigation. I have started carrying around my "donut" cushion again because my tailbone feels sore and needs the extra protection on hard transit seats. And speaking of transit.... I finally broke down and bought an Invisible Disabilities transit pass holder because I was so exhausted and heartbroken by the ageist ableist vitriol that was spewed at me by elderly riders.

The pass holder is pretty cool and it comes with 50 awareness cards that I can hand out if someone is curious about what an invisible disability is. I haven't worn the bracelet or lapel pin yet, but I plan to. I have an extra bracelet (that glows in the dark!) if someone would like to claim it. 😃

Ok, I think I'm out of spoons for this post. Stay tuned for more blogs in future about how these issues intersect with other aspects of my life.