Monday, 29 October 2018

Change is upon us

This past week marks three months since I informed Bear of my choice to dissolve our marriage. This past weekend, Bear moved out of our shared den. Change is upon us, and things definitely feel more real now after these past few months of arguing, non-reconciliation, tip-toeing around each other, and just trying to get by. But with this move, the internal change is now shifting into the external world, and it's stirring up all sorts of emotions in both of us.


I've been experiencing very intense grief during the past few weeks. I've been crying almost every day again, and mourning what could have been with Bear. The biggest thing that I'm grieving is the loss of a potential child that we were planning for. This year was supposed to be the year that I got pregnant. It is something that I know that I want for myself, deep down inside - to give birth to one amazing human, and to raise that being well. But it is not to be with Bear, and I'm worried that it may never be as I'm nearing the ripe old age of 38. This is causing me immense emotional and spiritual pain as a woman-identified human who has always wanted to give birth, and be a parent (two different things, I know). What hurts the most is how Bear manipulated me this past year by cutting off physical intimacy to avoid getting me getting pregnant, instead of talking about his fears around parenting etc. It feels awful to have been controlled like that from within the relationship. The pain around this "child issue" is made all the more sharper by the fact that at least four of my good friends have given birth in the last year, another is pregnant now, and my Facebook and Instagram feeds have filled up with photos of babies. I just want to throw myself on the ground and cry until there's nothing left to cry. I feel emotionally wrung-out. All that said, I am glad that I'm not dragging a small child through this painful process of separation.

I feel a bit like this centre figure - all my peers are making babies and it's just me alone in the middle...
I'm in the process of drafting a letter to Bear in my head - one that focuses on appreciation, rather than on all the "things that went wrong." I want him to know that I loved him very much, and that I haven't stopped caring for him. In fact, it will be difficult for me to stop caring about him. That I understand what I did that was unhelpful in the past, that I wanted to do and be better, and that I tried really, really hard to make our marriage work. That I totally accept that we are separating with the intent to divorce. That I'm really fucking sad that this happened to us, and that we hurt each other so badly. It's this last statement that has been looping around in my head recently.

This is one of the few metaphors that captures what I'm feeling. It feels a bit like a star going supernova - getting denser, heavier, darker, until it finally collapses inwards and explodes. That's what it feels like inside my brain these days...

Something that Bear has aimed at me during a fight the other week was "how I wanted this" separation. I need to be crystal clear here, I did not want this. I didn't want my marriage to the spouse I chose to make vows to, to implode the way it did. I did not want to hurt Bear, nor to have Bear retaliate in pain, nor for our communication to break down on both ends the way it did. I did NOT want this!!! I tried very hard to stop this from happening, but it was out of my control. I begged and pleaded for Bear to go with me to couples counselling, and he refused until I finally broke down and my heart couldn't take it anymore. He didn't realize until too late how that was the point where he should have taken action in our relationship and done the work with me. Relationships go both ways, not just one way...and I'm tired of being made out to be the bad guy in this scenario because I'm the one who ended it. We are both responsible for what happened between us. And to have a positive, civil, and fruitful relationship in future, we need to drop the blame and be fair. We can have compassion for each other in how we are hurting, but no more rehashing (and revising) the past. It is time to move forward. Even if the steps are painful and slow...


My separation with Bear is affecting my other two relationships as well. Whatever you do to one part of the polycule web, affects the entire web of connections. Last week, I went to Birdfriend's house on our usual after work hangout/date day and I more or less just collapsed myself at their kitchen table after I took off my outerwear. They looked at me and sighed, "Oh dear!" and then I gave them my current "status update" of the tough situation that is my life right now. Birdfriend has been very supportive and has been very compassionate as I share my sadness with them. They have been validating my experience and also reminding me that it's ok to be sad about the loss. Bear and I did have something special, real, and beautiful for many years. Birdfriend is able to see the entire picture, because they've been in relationship with me the entire time that I was with Bear. It is very helpful to have someone who knows "the whole story." With Yak, I've been crying a lot, sharing many thoughts and feelings, and she's been holding me, and holding space for me - which is such a gift. However, I feel like I'm a huge burden on both of my partners - and an emotionally needy one at that. I sometimes feel like pulling my energy back from both of them, to protect them from the shitshow that is me right now. I know that I've been projecting some of my anxious thoughts onto Yak, and that isn't fair. I feel like my partners must see me as a dramatic cry-baby that they don't want around them (even though I know that's just my anxious brain talking). I sometimes wonder if it would be better to just keep to myself and tell them that I'll come back to them when things have settled. Whenever that is...but that isn't really the best thing for me to do either. I tend to push people away from me when I need them the most. And I know that I need the two of them now. I'm just feeling guilty about how I am right now. I'm a bit embarrassed. And I feel incredibly lost, like I'm not sure where I am even though the shell of my body is here. Birdfriend reminds me that these feelings are indicative of depression and isolating behaviours, and reminds me to stay mindful in those moments when I just want to hide and curl into the smallest ball my body can make and cover myself with a blanket.

I've been through so much loss and pain in the past ten years, I sometimes wonder if it's my "normal" state of being. I've lost and reclaimed myself so many times. But now, I'm tired. So incredibly tired. I'm trying to be more gentle with myself as I process this big change and take each day as it comes. Some days I can step back and be more mindful, like the comic strip below, but more often that not, I'm completely overwhelmed by the sheer intensity of my situation.


I don't know what is going to happen in future in either of my relationships, or if I will date others and start more relationships. Everything is up in the air at the moment - my life is a snow-globe turned upside-down, and I am riding out the swirls and eddies as different aspects float past me. I hope to stay grounded during this time of immense transition and I try to feel hopeful that my future will be positive. But mostly, I have no idea how things are going to shake out, and I just have to believe that they will work out for the best.

Saturday, 13 October 2018

Slowly going mad

OK, it's official - I've hit my personal limit...... In the past few weeks, I've been struggling with the ugliness of the news cycle around the Kavanaugh hearings, and the ongoing stressors around finding affordable housing in my city. I feel as though I'm slowly going mad. Memories that I thought where long put to bed have come back to the forefront of my mind. It's hard to process all that is happening in the external world, when there is so much going on in my internal world.

I have been expending what feels like extraordinary amounts of energy to simply get through each day. I know that I've written before about my exhaustion, but things haven't improved from those previous writings, and I'm worn down by the attrition of daily life coupled with the multitude of challenges I'm facing. Housing is a basic human right, and yet my search (which has encompassed talking to everyone I know and even perfect strangers about room-mating, online searches, and endless self-promotion) has so far been fruitless. I'm starting to really fear that I won't find somewhere for me and my cat to live. Especially since Bear has already found alternative housing. It's keeping me up at night! And the lack of sleep is really messing with my cognitive and emotional equilibrium. To help me voice my concerns and to also let other folks in the city know about my plight, I have posted my first ever video to YouTube. And then I shared the video (below) to my Facebook wall, and another group that discusses the housing challenges of our city. My desperation is real...I even said to a coworker the other day, "Who do you have to blow in this city to get housing??!! Because I will gladly get on my knees if it means finding a place to live." She laughed, but I was almost not kidding. It is that bad.


Autumn is upon us and I can feel my depression starting to deepen as the light disappears from our northern hemispheric skies. I've upped my dose of antidepressants to help me adjust to oncoming S.A.D., but honestly, these days just getting up to go to work takes a lot of spoons. I just want to go back to bed, pull the covers over my head, and shut out the outside world. But that doesn't solve the issue, it just delays the anxiety for a little while until it comes right back around, louder and meaner than the first time. Yay, Mental Health Awareness Week.
Hide Away by *B1nd1 on deviantART
Big breath in and out.

Now, turning to the Kavanaugh senate hearings and the testimony of Dr. Blasey Ford (news sources have been dropping her Dr. title as a way to disrespect and discredit her). As a survivor of sexual assault and rape, the news in the past few weeks has been incredibly triggering for me to read and hear about. Memories that I have actively repressed have come right to the surface. Every day, every headline was injurious to read. And then came the day that Dr. Ford had to testify before the senate judiciary hearing committee. I couldn't bring myself to watch the whole thing but I did feel it was important to listen to Dr. Ford's opening statement. And wow, was she ever able to keep herself composed even while sharing some of the most painful and scary memories of her life. Anyone listening to her understood that she had been through something godawful. Hell, even president Drumph himself said that she came across as a very credible witness (until he was told to change his tune and go back to supporting that rapist Kavanaugh). Even Fox News seemed to believe her testimony.

Dr. Ford shares her emotional testimony 
Kavanaugh's response was spastic, angry, and conspiratorial. His repetition of, "I like beer," was almost comical if it weren't for the fact that he was using his position of entitlement to make a case. And then, after a brief and rather pathetic FBI investigation into the allegations, the senate confirmed Kavanaugh's nomination to the Supreme Court - the highest judicial body in the USA. And everyone - and I mean everyone - who has ever been a victim of sexual violence lost their shit. Dr. Ford and her family have received numerous death threats, and they've had to move five times already just to stay safe! I simply cannot bear to think that in 2018, an intelligent, honest, and credible woman had her life destroyed again by a piece of shit, entitled, white hetero cis-male who gained even more power at the end of the day. My mind cannot comprehend this miscarriage of justice! All I have been saying in my head for days is "This is RAPE CULTURE in action" and I fear for all those young people growing up in a world where is has happened and is considered OK. How do we explain to younger generations what happened here? What kind of entitled, paternalistic society are we allowing to flourish in the 21 Century? The president added insult to injury when he apologized to Kavanaugh for his "pain and suffering" on the day he was sworn in. Even on Facebook, there's way more apparent support for Kavanaugh, just look at this snip of some of the groups related to him:
The first group, "Confirm Kavanaugh" has more than 10, 000 members!!! Who are these people???
I am in a rage over all this. #Metoo was about holding men accountable, but instead it's being spun as a witch hunt against the hetero, white cis-male establishment. It sickens me to my core.

I am so grateful to news anchors like Trevor Noah who took to the airways to talk about how Drumph uses the Weaponization of Victimhood to continue to back POS like Kavanaugh. Please, if you haven't watched Trevor's monologue, click that link! Stephen Colbert has also had some good interviews with several guests (I'm looking at you, Lady Gaga!) to help understand what happened, and John Oliver continues to lead the pack with his trending work on #feminism. And Samantha Bee is killing it with her monologues! I am also grateful for writers like this one, who help explain to people why so many (specifically) women are so furious with the Kavanaugh appointment confirmation. And to the law students who have been walking out in protest of this appointment. And to Anita Hill, for weighing in on a subject that she (unfortunately) knows so much about. And to singers like this woman, who are setting the record straight and encouraging Americans to go out and vote in the midterm elections:


What does the USA have to do we me, a Canadian? Well, whatever toxic waste is in our basement, it has started to seep into the foundations of our country. We cannot simply ignore what is happening to the south. Especially when a Drumph-esque politician has recently come to power in Ontario (what happened over there??!!!) We need to dismantle the structures of rape culture:

TRIGGER WARNING: descriptions of my sexual assaults and rape follow

And as a survivor, many memories of sexual assault and rape have come flooding to the forefront of my thoughts after listening to Dr. Ford's testimony. I'd like to share some of these "events" with you to show how prevalent they are for women, and perhaps to understand me more?

The first time that I remember being assaulted, I was 13 and in grade 7. I had a crush on a boy that was in my grade and in the school play with me. He knew that I was interested in him. During one of our rehearsals, he grabbed me by the throat and held me against a wall. None of the other kids stopped him. I frantically tried to get away from him because I couldn't breathe. I was afraid that I would pass out from the lack of air, or even worse, that he would accidentally kill me. Eventually, he let go of my throat and laughed, thinking it was hilarious. There were many other kids milling about backstage of the rehearsal. No one intervened. No one said anything. I never told anyone about it until now.

The second time I was 15 or 16, drunk, and hanging out with my friends. We called one of my coworkers over to hang out and we all ran around outside in the rain. Afterwards, he dropped us off at my friend's house to save us the walk back as the rain had worsened into a thunderstorm. He didn't let me out of the car though and locked my door. He sexually assaulted me and I just sat in the car seat frozen in total shock. Eventually, my friends came and got me out of the car... I later told my boyfriend what happened, he believed me at first but after talking to his (guy) friends, he dumped me. I was tainted goods. 😡 And heartbroken and traumatized to boot. I felt so abandoned by the person who was supposed to be on "my side." To say nothing of how difficult it was to have to go back to working with my assailant.

The next time, I was 19 and it was my birthday party. I invited a coworker who I had a crush on over. He brought a few of friends and some booze, and I didn't think anything of it. If thought that I was safe in my own home, I was wrong. The coworker was very inebriated and much stronger than me when he cornered me in my sister's bedroom very late into the night and tried to force himself on me. I told him that I didn't want to have sex, but he didn't listen. He kept going. I got away from him and ran to the bathroom, but he chased after me. He forced himself on me again in the bathroom as I twisted and turned and tried to flee. I was raped in my own home during my own 19th birthday party. I went to the youth health clinic a couple days later where they checked me over and suggested that I report the rape. I didn't report the rape because I was scared, and part of me felt responsible for it happening (even though I know it's not the truth). I didn't really run into that rapist at work again, but I did run into him at a party, which was super traumatizing for me and I had to leave early.

The next time, it was around Halloween the year I was 19 years old (so about 10 months after my birthday rape). I went out with my boyfriend, a 28 year old guy, and some of his friends to a party in the East Side warehouse district. I had a great night and had planned to sleep the night at my boyfriend's house. He had a friend also crashing on the couch there as well. My boyfriend had gotten very drunk that night, and was impossible to sleep next to with his flailing limbs and snoring, and drunken sleep-talking. His roommate wasn't home, so I decided to camp out in her room for the night. In the middle of the night, his friend came into the roommate's room and began to remove the sheets from the bed until my body was exposed. Then he tried to strip off my panties...all while I was still asleep!!! I woke up part way through, freaked out, and tried to fight him off. I kicked him square in the face, and that finally made him stop. In the morning, I told my boyfriend what happened, but he was too hungover to really understand what had transpired. Later, his friend told my boyfriend and his entire circle of friends how I had "wanted it" and that I'm just a "dumb young slut." The sad part is, my boyfriend actually believed his lying, shit-bag of a friend. I was in shock, crushed, and numbly stayed with this asshole of a boyfriend for another six months. Man, all of those sexual assaults really took their toll on my self-esteem. 😢

The last time, I was about 21 years old and I was at a fraternity party on my university campus. I had been drinking and was in a flirty mood. I messed around with a guy and had a good time with him. I went back inside the frat house trying to find the friend that I came to the party with but couldn't find her. I went down a dark hall that was crowded with men, saying that I was looking for my friend. One of the men led me into a room. I told him that I didn't want to have sex, that I was looking for my friend. He thought that I was looking for sex regardless, why else would I walk down that dark hallway? I was pressured into having sex with this stranger, but used a condom for harm-reduction purposes. When I reported it to the RCMP, they called me a liar and completely re-traumatized me. During the police report filing, I discovered that my assailant had given me a fake name, and to make matters worst the frat stonewalled the police and tried to discredit me. "Bros before hos" to the end. When I received help from WAVAW on campus, my story brought about an initiative for all campus RCMP members to have sensitivity training for dealing with sexual assault survivors. Every member except for the one who interviewed me took the training. She (she!) flat-out refused the training. It was a punch in the gut. I told friends of mine what happened and they told me that what happened wasn't rape because I gave the dude a condom. I'm sorry, but if you are trapped in a dark room, in a building you don't know, with a stranger who is much bigger and stronger than you, and you can't get away...don't you think that still counts as rape/assault? Why split hairs over this? I lost some friends over this - many of them were women friends that I had known for years. I just don't understand the lack of solidarity amongst women sometimes.


These are the "major" sexual assaults that I have dealt with in my lifetime. You'll notice they're all perpetrated by men, and I knew all of them except the frat boy. But as a petite, pretty femme, I have experienced a myriad of other micro and macro sexual aggressions in my lifetime, and I simply cannot list them all here. But I am not alone in my experiences, sadly. I am not a victim of what happened to me, I am a survivor. And I cannot tolerate anyone who thinks that bringing a rapist or sexual predator to justice is a bad thing. We can no longer gloss over the aggressions of white males in our society. You'll also notice that most of my assaults involved alcohol use, and this is a well-documented substance used for sexual assault and rape:


For the longest time, I thought that these assaults and rapes were my fault. I had internalized rape culture - that I was somehow responsible for these men crossing my boundaries to hurt and injure me for their own gain, amusement, enjoyment, ego boost etc. Through extensive counselling, honest discussions, and self-exploration, I have managed to heal from these trespasses. But I will never forget them. And I know that Dr. Ford won't either. I'm not afraid of these memories anymore. They do not define me. And yes, I'll have to probably continue to work on healing my heart, my sexuality, and my mind when it comes to sex - especially sex with men. I've noticed that I am no longer sexually interested in men. Part of it is the fallout of my marriage and separation from Bear, but another part of it is that my interest in men has begun to fade since the #metoo campaign began. I don't know if I'll want to have sex with a man again, the jury is out on that. But I know that I am not in any kind of hurry to go and explore that with any guy at the moment. I love my male friends, especially the woke ones, but dating/sex is off the table for me until further notice.

Thanks for reading and witnessing me.