Change is upon us

This past week marks three months since I informed Bear of my choice to dissolve our marriage. This past weekend, Bear moved out of our shared den. Change is upon us, and things definitely feel more real now after these past few months of arguing, non-reconciliation, tip-toeing around each other, and just trying to get by. But with this move, the internal change is now shifting into the external world, and it's stirring up all sorts of emotions in both of us.

I've been experiencing very intense grief during the past few weeks. I've been crying almost every day again, and mourning what could have been with Bear. The biggest thing that I'm grieving is the loss of a potential child that we were planning for. This year was supposed to be the year that I got pregnant. It is something that I know that I want for myself, deep down inside - to give birth to one amazing human, and to raise that being well. But it is not to be with Bear, and I'm worried that it may never be as I'm nearing the ripe old age of 38. This is causing me immense emotional and spiritual pain as a woman-identified human who has always wanted to give birth, and be a parent (two different things, I know). What hurts the most is how Bear manipulated me this past year by cutting off physical intimacy to avoid getting me getting pregnant, instead of talking about his fears around parenting etc. It feels awful to have been controlled like that from within the relationship. The pain around this "child issue" is made all the more sharper by the fact that at least four of my good friends have given birth in the last year, another is pregnant now, and my Facebook and Instagram feeds have filled up with photos of babies. I just want to throw myself on the ground and cry until there's nothing left to cry. I feel emotionally wrung-out. All that said, I am glad that I'm not dragging a small child through this painful process of separation.

I feel a bit like this centre figure - all my peers are making babies and it's just me alone in the middle...

I'm in the process of drafting a letter to Bear in my head - one that focuses on appreciation, rather than on all the "things that went wrong." I want him to know that I loved him very much, and that I haven't stopped caring for him. In fact, it will be difficult for me to stop caring about him. That I understand what I did that was unhelpful in the past, that I wanted to do and be better, and that I tried really, really hard to make our marriage work. That I totally accept that we are separating with the intent to divorce. That I'm really fucking sad that this happened to us, and that we hurt each other so badly. It's this last statement that has been looping around in my head recently.

This is one of the few metaphors that captures what I'm feeling. It feels a bit like a star going supernova - getting denser, heavier, darker, until it finally collapses inwards and explodes. That's what it feels like inside my brain these days...

Something that Bear has aimed at me during a fight the other week was "how I wanted this" separation. I need to be crystal clear here, I did not want this. I didn't want my marriage to the spouse I chose to make vows to, to implode the way it did. I did not want to hurt Bear, nor to have Bear retaliate in pain, nor for our communication to break down on both ends the way it did. I did NOT want this!!! I tried very hard to stop this from happening, but it was out of my control. I begged and pleaded for Bear to go with me to couples counselling, and he refused until I finally broke down and my heart couldn't take it anymore. He didn't realize until too late how that was the point where he should have taken action in our relationship and done the work with me. Relationships go both ways, not just one way...and I'm tired of being made out to be the bad guy in this scenario because I'm the one who ended it. We are both responsible for what happened between us. And to have a positive, civil, and fruitful relationship in future, we need to drop the blame and be fair. We can have compassion for each other in how we are hurting, but no more rehashing (and revising) the past. It is time to move forward. Even if the steps are painful and slow...

My separation with Bear is affecting my other two relationships as well. Whatever you do to one part of the polycule web, affects the entire web of connections. Last week, I went to Birdfriend's house on our usual after work hangout/date day and I more or less just collapsed myself at their kitchen table after I took off my outerwear. They looked at me and sighed, "Oh dear!" and then I gave them my current "status update" of the tough situation that is my life right now. Birdfriend has been very supportive and has been very compassionate as I share my sadness with them. They have been validating my experience and also reminding me that it's ok to be sad about the loss. Bear and I did have something special, real, and beautiful for many years. Birdfriend is able to see the entire picture, because they've been in relationship with me the entire time that I was with Bear. It is very helpful to have someone who knows "the whole story." With Yak, I've been crying a lot, sharing many thoughts and feelings, and she's been holding me, and holding space for me - which is such a gift. However, I feel like I'm a huge burden on both of my partners - and an emotionally needy one at that. I sometimes feel like pulling my energy back from both of them, to protect them from the shitshow that is me right now. I know that I've been projecting some of my anxious thoughts onto Yak, and that isn't fair. I feel like my partners must see me as a dramatic cry-baby that they don't want around them (even though I know that's just my anxious brain talking). I sometimes wonder if it would be better to just keep to myself and tell them that I'll come back to them when things have settled. Whenever that is...but that isn't really the best thing for me to do either. I tend to push people away from me when I need them the most. And I know that I need the two of them now. I'm just feeling guilty about how I am right now. I'm a bit embarrassed. And I feel incredibly lost, like I'm not sure where I am even though the shell of my body is here. Birdfriend reminds me that these feelings are indicative of depression and isolating behaviours, and reminds me to stay mindful in those moments when I just want to hide and curl into the smallest ball my body can make and cover myself with a blanket.

I've been through so much loss and pain in the past ten years, I sometimes wonder if it's my "normal" state of being. I've lost and reclaimed myself so many times. But now, I'm tired. So incredibly tired. I'm trying to be more gentle with myself as I process this big change and take each day as it comes. Some days I can step back and be more mindful, like the comic strip below, but more often that not, I'm completely overwhelmed by the sheer intensity of my situation.

I don't know what is going to happen in future in either of my relationships, or if I will date others and start more relationships. Everything is up in the air at the moment - my life is a snow-globe turned upside-down, and I am riding out the swirls and eddies as different aspects float past me. I hope to stay grounded during this time of immense transition and I try to feel hopeful that my future will be positive. But mostly, I have no idea how things are going to shake out, and I just have to believe that they will work out for the best.