My Queer Heroes

I think that it's important to have role models or heroes when one is growing up or growing wiser. When I was a teenager and realized that I was bisexual, I didn't have access to information to become aware of role models or heroes to look up to. No school courses were offered about LGBTQ2 subjects, no queer literature read in class, no queer discussion groups existed in my community, no after school clubs, nothing.

I didn't have the internet in my home until 1999, when I was 18 and graduating high school. Google was just a baby back then, so it was actually kind of difficult to search/surf the web in those days. Even when the internet started to become more of a "thing," I still didn't have much awareness about possible role models. This might possibly be due to the lack of positive media stories around queers as openly being some shade of gay was still taboo. Further, I think that due to the negative reaction to my coming out I didn't feel safe in my own skin, let alone to seek out queerness in the real world.

Things really started to shift for me many moons later after my common-law partnership ended back in early 2008 and I began to date women, almost exclusively. I exposed myself to queer art, music, literature, movies, porn, and news article to educate myself on queer culture. I met many new people who helped me understand my own queerness, but it would take many years before I could identify a role model or hero to look up to from history or popular culture.

My life took a pretty dramatic turn on November 25, 2009 when I was rear-ended in a car accident. And then on my birthday, just six weeks later, I was in another car accident (I was a passenger). And then again, in May 2010, when I was hit by a car while on my bicycle (not at fault). My injuries were extensive and compounded by the fact that these accidents all happened within a rather short timeframe (less than a year and a half). Its been years since these accidents, but I live with ongoing chronic pain and disability (including a degenerative TMJ disc condition). With chronic pain comes a whole host of other issues around mental health, socializing, needing support etc.

To say that chronic pain changed my life would be an understatement. I've had to change the way I: brush my teeth, wash dishes, dry my hair, put on shoes, sit in chairs, take the bus, have sex, ...you get the idea...

Replace "illness" with "chronic pain" and yep, sounds about right.

My girlfriend at the time of my accidents was really patient with my physical limitations as she had also been hit by a car in her teen years (while crossing a busy street). It took me a long time to get "functional" and I also had to go through a grieving period regarding the loss of my physical strength and abilities, and loss of social functionality as well.

I found a personal hero in Frida Khalo during this time. Learning about her story,  and especially from watching Selma Hayek portray her in the 2002 feature film Frida. The following scene still makes the hair on my arm stand on end:

UNF! I'll be in my bunk...

Frida lived with chronic pain from a horrific bus-meets-streetcar accident in 1925 and had over 30 operations over the course of her lifetime. She painted her pain (mental, physical, emotional, and I'd argue spiritual pain as well) as a way to transform her experience into something evocative and beautiful. One of the paintings I most relate to is El Venado Herido (translation, "the wounded deer"). This painting speaks to my experience of pain, both physical and emotional, and the deer is one of my totem animals.

For full details on this painting, see this page.

Frida was a gender-bender, a feminist, a communist, and a bohemian. Her & Diego Rivera were openly polyamorous and even shared a few lovers. Frida never explained or apologized for herself or her self-expression. She was passionate, hot-tempered, and had a joie-de-vivre that rubbed off on everyone who knew her. She could also be abrasive when cornered and abused alcohol as a way to cope with her husband's cheating (especially when he had an affair with her younger sister, ouch!) There's been some speculation on whether Frida was actually bisexual/queer or not. But I'm a firm believer that she was queer, there's just too much "evidence" out there to ignore.

Frida encourages me to live-out-loud even though I struggle with chronic pain. I have a framed fabric print of her at work; and on days where my pain is high and I'm not feeling able to give much to the world, I look at her portrait and think, What would Frida do? Frida encourages me to make my life a work of art - I try to infuse artistry into almost everything that I do. I also feel as though I have a similar personality to Frida as a well - passionate, at times hot-headed, lover of animals and children, artistic, bisexual, poly, and politically active. Frida also influenced my gender-bending as well. I first started playing around with drag in early 2010 and didn't feel that I was very convincing in drag, but had fun playing with gender expression.

29 is such a drag! (birthday theme)

My big jump to the stage of drag happened sort of by accident when I went to a local drag-king night, Man-Up, and was dazzled by the gender-bending performances of local queer women. I decided after watching one show that I simply had to get on the stage. Background: I was a choir, music-theatre, band-geek growing up. I love being on stage (add that to my list of queer attributes!) Paige Frewer was organizing a tribute night to mark the 20 year anniversary of Freddie Mercury's passing in 2011, and I threw up my hands and said "We are the Champions!!!!!"

Taking flight during my Man-Up performance in November 2011 as Freddie Mercury. I performed We are the Champions and had a great time!

Which brings me to Freddie... Today is the 25th anniversary of Freddie Mercury's passing. Freddie was many things to many people - a friend; a lover; an icon; a flamboyant partier; and one of the first public figures to pass away from HIV. His songs are full of bisexual lyrics, one of my favourite being Don't Stop Me Now where Mercury's sings "I wanna make a supersonic man out of you!" in one chorus, and "I wanna make a supersonic woman of you!" in the next. Indeed, Freddie wants to enjoy the best of both sides of the fence and I feel that this song is also a bit of a fuck you to society where bisexuals are often are expected to "pick a side." Some even make the case that Bohemian Rhapsody was actually Freddie's "coming out song." I find it incredible that this 9 minute masterpiece was something that I have been singing since I was 13 and had no clue had queer overtones running all through it.

Freddie doesn't want to stop being queer, he simply is who he is. The frustrating part is that Freddie had to deal with bi-erasure in his own home:

While he was with Austin, Mercury began having sex with other men. When Mercury reportedly told Austin he was bisexual, she said, “No Freddie, you’re gay.”

The Freddie salute. A true King.

Freddie encourages me to be out and not to worry about other people's perception so much. He makes me feel proud to be queer and poly. I find his music energizing, uplifting, and validating of my sexuality. I understand his feelings of loneliness in Somebody to Love, and I understand his deep gratitude to his primary partner, Mary, in You're My Best Friend. His lyrics are deeply relatable for me. Freddie was articulate, graceful, fun, honest, mischievous, and a big big spender. He was avant garde in his music videos and fashion choices. During a time when Tiggy-like bodies were in fashion, he wrote a song called Fat Bottom Girls, a kind of fuck you to body-shaming. (As a side-note, when Yak calls me on my cellphone, her ringtone is Fat Bottom Girls because I happen to be one). This song makes me actually like having a big round butt.

Freddie also serves as a cautionary tale of someone who didn't know when to "stop" having fun and ended up contracting a disease that ended up killing him. Despite having HIV/AIDS, Freddie continued to work and share his message of hope to the world in his last 5 years of life. He persevered with his vision and music during a time when most people would have given up, laid down, and died. Thus, even in his later years, his grace serves as a role model for me - when things are tough, can you be soft anyways? When you are dying, how alive can you be? Freddie inspires me to be more engaged in my life, to keep reaching out when all I want to do sometimes is crawl inside myself. Thank you Freddie. I still love you too.

Poly Irony

Its early Sunday morning and I can't sleep. I can't sleep because my brain is busy thinking about my other partners, who are not here with me at present. Bear is sleeping at his place (we don't cohabitate yet), and Birdfriend and Yak are off snow hiking with friends. Thus, I am alone.

Despite having 2 partners and a lover/evolving relationship, I spend a LOT of time by myself. For the most part, this is OK. I've lived alone for the past 8 years, so I'm very comfortable with myself. But there are times where spending so much time alone starts to get to me...especially during these dark winter months when I am affected by winter S.A.D.

Earlier this year, Bear got a new job that required him to work a minimum of 15 hours a day, 5 days a week. This meant that we went from seeing each other almost every day to only spending time on weekends. It has been tough because we are trying to plan a wedding, find a new apartment to move in together, and well, I just plain miss him all the time. We talk several times a day on the phone but it's not the same. I am trying be all "adult" about it and realize that many couples don't spend that much time together because they are trying to keep their lives on track and mundanity takes over. But I miss Bear during the week and I'm looking forward to the day we live together, so at least I know he's around in some capacity.

Birdfriend currently works 4 paying jobs, and usually 1-2 volunteer jobs at any given time. Thus, scheduling time with Birdfriend can be a challenge. We usually end up spending about one full evening a week (5-6 hours) together and we use that time to catch up, get into D/s space, snuggle, and share ideas for the future.

Yak's work schedule is on a rotation that I have yet to understand. But suffice to say, I see her usually once a week for a lovely time of connection, cuddles, and sex. She's about to go wandering off again, this time to Peru for three weeks. I'm going to really miss her (again) while she's gone. Yak's trip opens up more time in my schedule this month, and given all I have to do in the next couple of months, I am going to throw myself into plans and projects for the next while.

There's a funny myth around poly that if you are somehow dating or partnered with several people that you'll never have to worry about being alone, something I find ironic given my current poly situation.

Adventure, ho!

With all of my partners tied up with many jobs, trips, volunteering, and hobbies, it means that I spend about 50-75% of my week (outside of work) alone. That's a lot for someone who has three poly connections! The best thing for me to do is to focus on myself and my needs, and not pine too hard for any one person. This can be harder said than done though, as I'm a very extroverted person and I often feel more grounded when I'm with others than when I'm toute seule. Add Seasonal Affective Disorder and some ongoing depression coupled with chronic pain, and well - I'm a little concerned for myself in the coming weeks...

But I remind myself that:

I'm going to make sure that I spend more time with Birdfriend (when possible) and other friends in the next couple of months to ward off the effects of S.A.D. and loneliness. I also have a fantastic trip to New Zealand in January to plan with Birdfriend and get hyped up for. I have a birthday thrown in there too and will try and gather my friends to celebrate me for a day. I will go back to pilates and Nia and feel good in my body and reconnect with my friends in those places. I pledge to look after me during my alone time. It's really the only thing to do.

Anything good on TV?

I haven't owned a TV in about 8 years. Which means that I haven't been exposed to most cable television programs either. I do have a computer though, and I have been catching up on many shows (e.g. I binge-watched all 7 seasons of True Blood earlier this year) that Bear downloads for me. I signed up for Netflix, and I have been watching other series that I missed in the past number of years. I've noticed that more and more TV shows include LGBTQ2 characters, and that has been encouraging! GLAAD's 'Where are we Now on TV' report notes that in 2016:

"Of the 895 series regular characters expected to appear on broadcast primetime scripted programming in the coming year, 43 (4.8%) were identified as LGBTQ. There were an additional 28 recurring LGBTQ characters. This is the highest percentage of LGBTQ regular characters GLAAD has ever counted on primetime scripted broadcast programming. The five broadcast networks are ABC, CBS, FOX, NBC, and The CW."  (emphasis, mine) 

Autostraddle's guide to LGBTQ2 Women on TV. 

I recall the first LGBTQ2 person I saw on a TV show was "Rickie" from My So Called Life (1994). He originally tells his friends that he is bi, but it is clear that for him, bi was a stepping stone for his character to find safety while deepening into his gay orientation. He even tries taking out a girl from his high school class, "Dellia," in the hopes of living a "normal" life. I have experienced similar feelings before:

Sigh - the desire for "normalcy" is strong in the LGBTQ2 community. Internalized homophobia :(

Rickie's story followed a similar arc to what many LGBTQ2 teens experience - being kicked out during the holidays because of his orientation, abuse, homelessness, and trying to find allies and friends in order to survive. Unfortunately for me (and other teens in the 90's), My So Called Life was cancelled not long after the Christmas episode. I was heart-broken at 13. I wanted so badly to see other queer characters on TV. However, queer characters tended to be secondary or missing from many plot-lines in the later 90s and early 2000's. (Here's a link to a Wiki page listing all LGBT themes/characters on TV from 1990-1997, should you want to fall down that particular internet rabbit-hole).  It wasn't until Ellen came out on prime-time TV in 1997 that things really started to shift towards more primary characters being queer, and more queer themes being explored.

Rickie's experience of abuse and homelessness haunted me as a teen. It made me scared to share my orientation, and I wondered how often something like this happened in the real world. I started to notice negative outcomes or stereotypical portrayals of queer characters on TV over the years, each time I felt more dejected and angry. For some reason, 2016 seemed to be the year where many lesbian and bisexual characters were killed off in various shows. This is nothing new, and in a sad way, it reflects the reality of abuse and violence the LGBTQ2 community continues to face in the real world. The TV 'death' of the character "Lexa" from The 100 this year elicited an outcry from LGBTQ2 viewers to stop the unnecessary killing-off of LGBTQ2 characters in television, especially if that character's death was a plot device to move a straight character's story forward.

"Lexa' billboards. They speak for themselves, I think.

Earlier this autumn, I came across a show on Netflix called Dance Academy that featured a bi/gay/questioning character named Sammy. I have a shameless love for ballet shows/movies, and I was glad to see that Sammy was a real character, not just a caricature of a queer teen. The main character, Tara, is a bit vapid (as you can tell by the trailer in the link) and she states when Sammy comes out as 'questioning,' that she's "always wanted a gay best friend!!!" Ugh. And then, right at the end of season 2, the show kills off Sammy, all as a plot motivator for Tara to learn how to dance the "Red Shoes' solo with the true agony of someone who has faced loss. I was furious. I tried to watch the first episode of season 3, but I just can't do it anymore.

And then, Orange is the New Black broke my heart again (SPOILER ALERT if you haven't finished watching season 4) this year when they killed off my favourite character on the show, Poussey. I started to cry, and then to RAGE. Enough is enough already!

As shown in recent surveys, past blog posts I've written, and media - there is significant violence directed at the LGBTQ2 community. Seeing it reinforced on dramatic TV shows doesn't do anyone a service. I challenge any TV show writers, producers, etc that may be reading this blog, actually anyone writing about LGBTQ2 themes to take on the Lexa Pledge. We deserve better representation on TV and other media, and we deserve to have positive plot-lines and character arcs developed for LGBTQ2 folks. Get on it!

Dating when bi, part deux - polyamory

I started developing my poly self about 5 years ago when I realized that it wasn't personally feasible for me to only pay attention to part of my orientation when dating. It bothered me that I felt I had to only look for one person to date to get my needs met. And it kind of put my sexuality in a dichotomous situation - do I seek a male or female partner? I think that I didn't broach poly for many years because I thought that dating more than one individual at a time somehow made me a bad person (I can hear voices calling, greedy!!) Just today, I came across this on Tumblr's YesbutNo page:

But why does this seemingly make one sound like a better person? Why the implicit shaming?

Before the Bear and I had ever started dating, I was dating a woman for almost two years. She was the first partner I had that I experimented with some relationship openness, but for us it had to be "same-room" exploration - i.e. we had to be in the same room as each other if we wanted to get physical with other people. She cheated on me twice, something that I couldn't get my head around at the time. The interesting thing was that she identified as a lesbian but had cheated with on me once with a hetero couple, and the second time with a man! Clearly, she was interested in exploring her sexuality, but she wasn't being fair about how she was treating me in relation to her self-exploration.

I first met the Bear when I was still with this woman. Bear thought I was a lesbian because he only ever saw me with my (ex)girlfriend and was confused when I started flirting with him. We first started dating after I had been single from my ex-girlfriend for about six or seven months. I told him that I could not change my sexuality and that I would need some flexibility/openness in our relationship in order to live true to myself and not feel stifled. We were monogamous for the first 5 months or so before I started dating the Birdfriend.

It's important to share your orientation and dating preferences as soon as you are aware of them (with the knowledge that sometimes this happens over time). It's also not fair to put limitations on your partner's feelings for others (no way to control them anyway!)

It took about a year or so for things to normalize for the Bear, the Birdfriend, and myself. My relationship with the Birdfriend transformed many times, from dating, to D/s only, to D/s with a deepening friendship and chosen-family bond - where it has landed today. Poly was new for the Bear and I know that he struggled to overcome his own internalized slut-shaming because he acknowledged that he had cheated on every girlfriend he ever had - clearly, monogamy was not for him. Nor was it for me either. We negotiated and talked about feelings of jealousy, time commitments, future plans for moving-in together etc. These negotiations still happen as the sands of my various relationships shift. I also have ongoing negotiations around needs and boundaries with the Birdfriend, and also with Yak as that relationship develops.

The Bear and I had a separation of about 6-9 months in 2014. I broke up with him because I was dealing with the sudden death of my 19-month old nephew and I was also unhappy in our relationship at the time. I spent the majority of that time apart not dating or actively pursuing a relationship. But that doesn't mean that I wasn't online and looking for something, even if I didn't know what it was I wanted.

Dating when bisexual can be challenging, but adding on a layer of "poly" makes it even more daunting! Usually, one of two things tends to happen if your online dating profile says Female, Bisexual, and Poly:

#1: You get hunted as a Unicorn (aka 3rd in a MFF threesome)

OR

#2: Bi erasure rears its ugly head again, sigh...

While more and more dating websites and apps are starting to cater to people encompassing a wider array of sexual orientations, there still seems to be a stigma attached to dating as a poly individual. As an apparent result of having the "poly" label affixed to one's online dating profile, poly folks "tend to receive messages from people who either assume that they're cheating on their spouses, or that they're inherently promiscuous and up for anything. That sentiment was reflected in BroBible's coverage of OkCupid's new feature, which cheered the new feature as a terrific way to find threesomes." (link)  Seriously? YUCK

In my personal online dating experience, both #1 and #2 have happened to me, and more times than I care to remember. It seems strange that a bisexual poly woman would have a hard time dating considering how "attractive" this type of individual is to many types of people but I suppose it's likely more often the norm than not based on conversations like this one on Reddit. 

The best way that I have found for meeting and dating other poly individuals (queer or otherwise) is to meet them at events where they are gathered in numbers or through poly friends. I met both Birdfriend and Yak through other queer/poly friends. Sometimes, a potential dating partner will just turn up randomly at a recurring social event that you normally attend. I'm a part of the local Burning Man (BM) community, and there seem to be many poly people in that community. I recently went to our official BM decompression party, where I ran into a friend who was telling me about a breakup with his girlfriend. I thought my friend was referring to his long time girlfriend, but no, he meant his other girlfriend. He started to explain how he was poly but I just held up my hand to stop him, and then high-fived him and told him that I am poly too. 

Yes! Intentionality makes me hot.

I've actively striven to create a chosen family and community of queer, poly, straight allies, and inclusive people. It takes time to forge these bonds and to work through the challenges that poly can offer. To anyone who is struggling with online (or real world) poly queer dating, take heart and keep focusing on what it is you truly want. Join chat forums: it can be a great way to meet people interested in similar topics. Go to MeetUps for local groups that interest you or contain people you would like to meet. Stay positive, and know that you deserve the kind of love that you want. May you find it! <3