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| But why does this seemingly make one sound like a better person? Why the implicit shaming? |
Before the Bear and I had ever started dating, I was dating a woman for almost two years. She was the first partner I had that I experimented with some relationship openness, but for us it had to be "same-room" exploration - i.e. we had to be in the same room as each other if we wanted to get physical with other people. She cheated on me twice, something that I couldn't get my head around at the time. The interesting thing was that she identified as a lesbian but had cheated with on me once with a hetero couple, and the second time with a man! Clearly, she was interested in exploring her sexuality, but she wasn't being fair about how she was treating me in relation to her self-exploration.
I first met the Bear when I was still with this woman. Bear thought I was a lesbian because he only ever saw me with my (ex)girlfriend and was confused when I started flirting with him. We first started dating after I had been single from my ex-girlfriend for about six or seven months. I told him that I could not change my sexuality and that I would need some flexibility/openness in our relationship in order to live true to myself and not feel stifled. We were monogamous for the first 5 months or so before I started dating the Birdfriend.
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| It's important to share your orientation and dating preferences as soon as you are aware of them (with the knowledge that sometimes this happens over time). It's also not fair to put limitations on your partner's feelings for others (no way to control them anyway!) |
It took about a year or so for things to normalize for the Bear, the Birdfriend, and myself. My relationship with the Birdfriend transformed many times, from dating, to D/s only, to D/s with a deepening friendship and chosen-family bond - where it has landed today. Poly was new for the Bear and I know that he struggled to overcome his own internalized slut-shaming because he acknowledged that he had cheated on every girlfriend he ever had - clearly, monogamy was not for him. Nor was it for me either. We negotiated and talked about feelings of jealousy, time commitments, future plans for moving-in together etc. These negotiations still happen as the sands of my various relationships shift. I also have ongoing negotiations around needs and boundaries with the Birdfriend, and also with Yak as that relationship develops.
The Bear and I had a separation of about 6-9 months in 2014. I broke up with him because I was dealing with the sudden death of my 19-month old nephew and I was also unhappy in our relationship at the time. I spent the majority of that time apart not dating or actively pursuing a relationship. But that doesn't mean that I wasn't online and looking for something, even if I didn't know what it was I wanted.
Dating when bisexual can be challenging, but adding on a layer of "poly" makes it even more daunting! Usually, one of two things tends to happen if your online dating profile says Female, Bisexual, and Poly:
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| #1: You get hunted as a Unicorn (aka 3rd in a MFF threesome) |
OR
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| #2: Bi erasure rears its ugly head again, sigh... |
While more and more dating websites and apps are starting to cater to people encompassing a wider array of sexual orientations, there still seems to be a stigma attached to dating as a poly individual. As an apparent result of having the "poly" label affixed to one's online dating profile, poly folks "tend to receive messages from people who either assume that they're cheating on their spouses, or that they're inherently promiscuous and up for anything. That sentiment was reflected in BroBible's coverage of OkCupid's new feature, which cheered the new feature as a terrific way to find threesomes." (link) Seriously? YUCK
In my personal online dating experience, both #1 and #2 have happened to me, and more times than I care to remember. It seems strange that a bisexual poly woman would have a hard time dating considering how "attractive" this type of individual is to many types of people but I suppose it's likely more often the norm than not based on conversations like this one on Reddit.
The best way that I have found for meeting and dating other poly individuals (queer or otherwise) is to meet them at events where they are gathered in numbers or through poly friends. I met both Birdfriend and Yak through other queer/poly friends. Sometimes, a potential dating partner will just turn up randomly at a recurring social event that you normally attend. I'm a part of the local Burning Man (BM) community, and there seem to be many poly people in that community. I recently went to our official BM decompression party, where I ran into a friend who was telling me about a breakup with his girlfriend. I thought my friend was referring to his long time girlfriend, but no, he meant his other girlfriend. He started to explain how he was poly but I just held up my hand to stop him, and then high-fived him and told him that I am poly too.
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| Yes! Intentionality makes me hot. |
I've actively striven to create a chosen family and community of queer, poly, straight allies, and inclusive people. It takes time to forge these bonds and to work through the challenges that poly can offer. To anyone who is struggling with online (or real world) poly queer dating, take heart and keep focusing on what it is you truly want. Join chat forums: it can be a great way to meet people interested in similar topics. Go to MeetUps for local groups that interest you or contain people you would like to meet. Stay positive, and know that you deserve the kind of love that you want. May you find it! <3
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