This Body of Mine

I have wanted to write this post for some time - several months in fact. I have slowly collected my thoughts, some photo/video/cartoon supportive content, and have drafted the prose in my head over and over. And still, I find trepidation in typing out these words.

This Body of Mine

From July 2015 on Wreck beach. Photo credit: my Bear!

Like many women (and men) who don't fit the physical standard of beauty, I have struggled with my body. Like many folks who live with chronic pain and illness, I have struggled with my body. Like many people with mental illness, I have struggled with my body. Like many survivors of sexual abuse, I have struggled with my body. Like many people who have been exposed to intense grief, I have struggled with my body. And I'm tired of all that struggle.

From Chronic Illness Cat

This past year I've had some fairly frustrating health problems that have exacerbated some chronic pain and other conditions. I had a broken foot for 19+ weeks, and out of nowhere I developed a bunch of allergies. These two things have meant that my health and fitness for the past year hasn't been great. I've gained weight, I'm often rashy from my allergies, and my digestion is off. I've starting taking steps to address these issues, but some of them are outside of my control (hello scent allergies!) To boot, I've lost one parent to cancer and watched the other one go through chemotherapy this past year. So add stress to that equation and you get a more fulsome picture of what I've been dealing with.

To find a way forward through all these health issues, I've been focusing my energy on trying to be more body positive. I know there are lots of positive affirmations, websites, and support groups for folks but I think that body positivity is personal and means something different to different people. Here's some examples that I've come across lately that have helped me gain some perspective: 

1. Meet the underweight model that the fashion industry considers "too big" and her campaign to raise awareness about eating disorders etc.

2. Check out this awesome dance troupe of larger ladies slaying body stereotypes with their moves.

3. 9 people pose nude to show body diversity in Toronto

4. This video about learning to love one's cellulite:

I started to think about ways that I could be more supportive of myself and my body as I went through these health challenges. I started with my thoughts - how can I better think about my curvaceous bod? This cartoon came across my Facebook feed yesterday and it made me feel better. I've got no sharp edges on me either. I'm soft and cute, a bit short in height, but hey, it's me. Not anyone else!

From Moomin

Ani DiFranco famously wrote that her "body is borrowed/I got it on loan from the time in between/my mom and some maggots..." and that she has "highways for stretch marks/see how I've grown..." (from My I.Q.) These lyrics remind me of the ephemeral nature of our own bodies, and mine in particular. And it reminds me of the connection of our bodies with our mother's bodies.

Since I've been conscious of my weight from a young age (I can still hear my adoptive mom's voice telling me to "watch that spare tire" of mine), being able to love my curves has been difficult for me. My adoptive mom and sister are both the typical Irish body types: thin, pretty, with wide breeder hips and big boobs, but almost no body fat to speak of. Think Molly Malone from Dublin. When I met my biological mom and half-sister, I felt so validated. Finally, people with my body type! We talk about how our curves sometimes get in the way (I accidently butt-checked someone today!) and how clothing is hard to find for us tiny shouldered/short-waisted/big round butt types. They make me feel more at home in my body and that having a body like mine can be "normal."

Beyond changing how I think about my body and feeling validated by my biological family, I had decided that now was the time to challenge myself further on body acceptance. A few months ago a friend of a friend of mine was looking for volunteers for her body acceptance video project. I thought, this is it. The project had two parts. The first part involved stripping down to my bra and panties, being spun slowing on a turning plinth while my entire body was filmed as it turned. The second part involved a full length mirror being placed in front of me, the camera focused on my face, and me alone with my process. Melissa, Dave, and Jeremy (the project team) then left me to gaze at my whole body in the mirror and waited for me to have my "aha" moment - the moment where I finally accepted how my body looked. It was HARD. I think that was the first time I had ever just looked at myself without picking my body a part - too fat, cellulite here and there, spots, lack of symmetry, stretch marks galore... NO, I wasn't thinking any of those things. 

My thinking as I viewed my body went through stages - all of which were captured on film. The first stage was filled with mental bullshit like, "I'm an empowered woman, standing in my undies for strangers, thus I accept my body!" and then, "but that's not what self-acceptance means...it's not about being brave in front of others, it's about loving yourself." And then, after about 5 minutes a shift happened. I can remember the exact moment (and it's obvious to me from seeing the video as it plays in slow-motion) and the exact thought that everything starting to change. The thought was, "What is it going to take for you to truly love and accept your body?" It was a powerful moment for me and I started to cry. I stood there looking at my body and for the first time and really seeing all of me. 

I felt vulnerable, open, scared, but most of all what shines through my eyes is love. Birdfriend actually helped me identify the feeling after watching the slow-motion video of myself. They looked at me and said, "that's the look you have when you look at one of your partners with total love." And I was looking at myself this way. Totally revolutionary for me. 

I'm still soaking up the lessons from this challenge. While Melissa is still working on the final video (which I can't wait to see), she posted this teaser video. I'm at the end, and just seeing the look on my face brings it all back. Thank you Mel for doing this amazing project. And a big thank you to Myself, for going through and challenging myself to break that old, negative, core belief around my body being unacceptable. I love myself and I especially love my body.

Mel & I after my video concluded. I love the look of joy on our faces! Photo credit: Dave Dee Photography

Janus - looking forward/looking back

The Greek God Janus, where the mature face represents the past and the youthful face represents the future. This god gives January it's name.

The new year is always a time of reflection for most people. We look back at the past twelve months and we think on all that happened. We look ahead at the next twelve months and promise to do better. For the first time ever, I posted a video to Facebook with a call to action for everyone to do their best in 2017 as humanity as a whole deserves better.

For myself, it is even more of a poignant time for me as my birthday is next week, and I'm deep in the throes of Seasonal Affective Disorder symptoms.

Oiy, do I ever right now!

I was really sick over the holidays, which meant that I didn't get the ring in the New Year with my chosen family of polyamorous perverts. Instead, I was medicated and wrapped up in bed with Bear keeping me warm. My plan is to treat my birthday as my "true new year" since I missed out.

My birthday is a time of self reflection...I usually spend the day alone doing self-care like going for a float in a sensory deprivation tank, or going to Nia, or yoga, or eating some tasty healthy food in a local restaurant. It's also a time for goal/intention setting as well. It can be a tough time for me though due to my S.A.D. making things difficult, and also because I am really hard on myself and am always constantly striving to do more, better, all the time. I get frustrated with my physical and monetary restrictions. So this year, I'm going to focus on what I can do instead of focussing on some ideal that isn't attainable for me. I'll share these goals later after my birthday.

Things are shifting in my poly world. Both my lover and my Birdfriend have started dating other people in the past month. This means that my feelings are getting tripped up more frequently and I find myself clarifying things with both of them so that I don't make assumptions and do something stupid due to my insecurities.

My work friend T asked me if I was jealous of Yak dating other people. I said no. And I mean no. But that doesn't mean that insecurity hasn't crept into my head from time to time as the Yak and I are still learning how best to communicate through this changing time. I try and share my thoughts with her as best I can and try to ensure that I understand her perspective as well. I'm trying to keep things in the present moment and not get ahead of myself.

Best thing to do when you feel insecure or jealous - identify the underlying emotion and then communicate!

I'm glad that Birdfriend is dating again. However, I've been experiencing some awkward feelings as Birdfriend and I seem to keep finding the same people attractive. I don't feel like I'm "in competition" with Birdfriend for these other potential lovers etc., but it can create some tension in our relationship, which I know we both want to avoid. Sometimes it is unavoidable though, and we need to come together and find a solution to move forward. Again, it all comes down to communication!

With both my non-primaries busy, it means that I have more time for myself and it unfortunately also signifies more scheduling woes as I now need to work around my Birdfriend's or Yak's other dates. Time is the most precious thing we have, so I elect to try and spend the majority of it with my loves. This can be tough if everyone is working or dating others or just plain busy... There is a positive flip side to all this though - I have about four months until my wedding day and there is so much to plan and DO! (I have lots to write about on this later).

Anyway, here's to getting through 2017 with grace, ease, style, and solid communication. Love to you all!