This Body of Mine

I have wanted to write this post for some time - several months in fact. I have slowly collected my thoughts, some photo/video/cartoon supportive content, and have drafted the prose in my head over and over. And still, I find trepidation in typing out these words.

This Body of Mine

From July 2015 on Wreck beach. Photo credit: my Bear!

Like many women (and men) who don't fit the physical standard of beauty, I have struggled with my body. Like many folks who live with chronic pain and illness, I have struggled with my body. Like many people with mental illness, I have struggled with my body. Like many survivors of sexual abuse, I have struggled with my body. Like many people who have been exposed to intense grief, I have struggled with my body. And I'm tired of all that struggle.

From Chronic Illness Cat

This past year I've had some fairly frustrating health problems that have exacerbated some chronic pain and other conditions. I had a broken foot for 19+ weeks, and out of nowhere I developed a bunch of allergies. These two things have meant that my health and fitness for the past year hasn't been great. I've gained weight, I'm often rashy from my allergies, and my digestion is off. I've starting taking steps to address these issues, but some of them are outside of my control (hello scent allergies!) To boot, I've lost one parent to cancer and watched the other one go through chemotherapy this past year. So add stress to that equation and you get a more fulsome picture of what I've been dealing with.

To find a way forward through all these health issues, I've been focusing my energy on trying to be more body positive. I know there are lots of positive affirmations, websites, and support groups for folks but I think that body positivity is personal and means something different to different people. Here's some examples that I've come across lately that have helped me gain some perspective: 

1. Meet the underweight model that the fashion industry considers "too big" and her campaign to raise awareness about eating disorders etc.

2. Check out this awesome dance troupe of larger ladies slaying body stereotypes with their moves.

3. 9 people pose nude to show body diversity in Toronto

4. This video about learning to love one's cellulite:

I started to think about ways that I could be more supportive of myself and my body as I went through these health challenges. I started with my thoughts - how can I better think about my curvaceous bod? This cartoon came across my Facebook feed yesterday and it made me feel better. I've got no sharp edges on me either. I'm soft and cute, a bit short in height, but hey, it's me. Not anyone else!

From Moomin

Ani DiFranco famously wrote that her "body is borrowed/I got it on loan from the time in between/my mom and some maggots..." and that she has "highways for stretch marks/see how I've grown..." (from My I.Q.) These lyrics remind me of the ephemeral nature of our own bodies, and mine in particular. And it reminds me of the connection of our bodies with our mother's bodies.

Since I've been conscious of my weight from a young age (I can still hear my adoptive mom's voice telling me to "watch that spare tire" of mine), being able to love my curves has been difficult for me. My adoptive mom and sister are both the typical Irish body types: thin, pretty, with wide breeder hips and big boobs, but almost no body fat to speak of. Think Molly Malone from Dublin. When I met my biological mom and half-sister, I felt so validated. Finally, people with my body type! We talk about how our curves sometimes get in the way (I accidently butt-checked someone today!) and how clothing is hard to find for us tiny shouldered/short-waisted/big round butt types. They make me feel more at home in my body and that having a body like mine can be "normal."

Beyond changing how I think about my body and feeling validated by my biological family, I had decided that now was the time to challenge myself further on body acceptance. A few months ago a friend of a friend of mine was looking for volunteers for her body acceptance video project. I thought, this is it. The project had two parts. The first part involved stripping down to my bra and panties, being spun slowing on a turning plinth while my entire body was filmed as it turned. The second part involved a full length mirror being placed in front of me, the camera focused on my face, and me alone with my process. Melissa, Dave, and Jeremy (the project team) then left me to gaze at my whole body in the mirror and waited for me to have my "aha" moment - the moment where I finally accepted how my body looked. It was HARD. I think that was the first time I had ever just looked at myself without picking my body a part - too fat, cellulite here and there, spots, lack of symmetry, stretch marks galore... NO, I wasn't thinking any of those things. 

My thinking as I viewed my body went through stages - all of which were captured on film. The first stage was filled with mental bullshit like, "I'm an empowered woman, standing in my undies for strangers, thus I accept my body!" and then, "but that's not what self-acceptance means...it's not about being brave in front of others, it's about loving yourself." And then, after about 5 minutes a shift happened. I can remember the exact moment (and it's obvious to me from seeing the video as it plays in slow-motion) and the exact thought that everything starting to change. The thought was, "What is it going to take for you to truly love and accept your body?" It was a powerful moment for me and I started to cry. I stood there looking at my body and for the first time and really seeing all of me. 

I felt vulnerable, open, scared, but most of all what shines through my eyes is love. Birdfriend actually helped me identify the feeling after watching the slow-motion video of myself. They looked at me and said, "that's the look you have when you look at one of your partners with total love." And I was looking at myself this way. Totally revolutionary for me. 

I'm still soaking up the lessons from this challenge. While Melissa is still working on the final video (which I can't wait to see), she posted this teaser video. I'm at the end, and just seeing the look on my face brings it all back. Thank you Mel for doing this amazing project. And a big thank you to Myself, for going through and challenging myself to break that old, negative, core belief around my body being unacceptable. I love myself and I especially love my body.

Mel & I after my video concluded. I love the look of joy on our faces! Photo credit: Dave Dee Photography