Tuesday, 23 May 2017

Times, they are a-changin'

It's been some time since I wrote a blog post, and I'd like to plead temporary insanity as I was planning, prepping, and executing a very important event - my wedding. I wasn't able to really focus on anything except work and wedding for the past few months (as my friends can attest) and I'm grateful that the day went off well and that I can get back to some semblance of "normal."

Our wedding cake! Done by Bear's niece Laura.

The day was really special for us. I curated the whole thing and our theme was Beltane-ish with handfasting and jumping of the broom. I wore a dress that I designed and a shawl that I created with the help of Bird and my birth mom. My friends were a big part of the day - helping set up, directing games at the reception, DJing, making appetizers, making Bear & I pretty; I am so grateful for how my community pulled together to help make this wedding happen.

Bear and I wrote our vows literally the night before the wedding. We both had solid ideas about what we wanted to say, but we had to sit down and make sure that our vows "jived" with one another's. During this discussion, we decided to include the wording of primary partner in both of our vows to highlight and recognize our poly lifestyle; and as a way to acknowledge the other members in our menagerie (my term for our poly circle).

Sharing a laugh with our marriage commissioner

Our marriage commissioner was really great. When we were seeking someone to marry us, I knew that I wanted to be married by a woman and someone who wasn't squeamish about having a gender-neutral ceremony ("I now pronounce you man and wife" = UGH). I specifically wanted to leave out any reference to the until death do you part bit as I find that it's a rather unhealthy phrase to leave in vows - as though you have to stay with that person "forever" because you just should. The Bear and I wanted to be sure that the words we spoke would hold truth for many years to come, but wouldn't place an unrealistic expectation on either of us.

It was nice to have photos taken with both my queer chosen family and also all my close friends. I don't have many photos where everyone is in one shot, so that's really nice to have. Can't wait to have them retouched to finally print them out and surround myself with lovely memories.

The poly tree - a good symbol for Bear and I as we both have tree totems (willow & oak). And the love keeps growing as our poly branches reach out and make homes for new friends, lovers, etc.

My maid of honour (my only bridesmaid) gave an amazing speech on my behalf (as my dad passed away two years ago) and I still remember her words about how proud she is of me for sharing who I am with the world despite potential threats to my person etc. I know that she meant my queer poly self, but I am sure that not everyone in the room understood or got the reference. I guess it does take a certain amount of chutzpah to share oneself so openly with the world at large, but I feel as though without that risk, I wouldn't be me. And with great risk, comes great rewards. Although, let it be said that poly isn't for the faint of heart!

It's been interesting telling folks who didn't know that I was getting hitched that I am now married. Many give me double-takes. Some ask me who I married because they aren't sure the gender of the person I am currently with (never mind the genders of all my partners)... Some folks are surprised that I got married at all given my "lifestyle." Groan.

Or being a queer poly woman married to a cis man, in my case.
I wonder about how I will be perceived by the queer community now that I am married to a cis dude. I wonder if I will be written off as just another "bi woman married to a man." I wonder if people that I'm interested in (friends, lovers, and more) will be less likely to initiate or maintain relationships with me because they have a hard time seeing and reconciling all facets of me. I wonder how this change in relationship status will affect my connections with Bird and Yak. I wonder if folks who don't know about my poly relationships will get confused or angry if they see me with someone other than Bear. I wonder how I will be perceived at Pride if Bear is with me - as just another "bi/queer woman showing off for her man?" These are thoughts that worry me.

But for now, I recall that gorgeous sunny day when I said some important words to a very special Bear and my heart is happy.

1 comment:

  1. I wish more people would remember pride and our community as a whole is about inclusion and pride in who wr are

    ReplyDelete