Digging Deeper - Marriage and Poly

It's been just over three weeks since I married Bear and things are going pretty well despite us both being injured and still looking for a den to cohabitate in. I've been processing some thoughts around marriage lately, especially when seen through a queer, poly lens.

This post does a pretty good job of describing what it's like to be a bi woman married to a straight man. I can relate to it in many ways except that I'm femme, which in some ways is more difficult as my "straight passing" privilege is high. That is, I'm seen as straight in 90%+ of my life unless I happen to be seen holding hands with either Bird or Yak in public. It's something that sometimes bothers me (cue: bi-invisibility and feeling non-existent and depressed), and other times allows me to hide in plain sight when I feel threatened. 100 mile queers (folks who look queer from a distance) don't have this luxury. I'm aware of how this privilege plays into my interactions with the world.

A selfie from today. You can see how I would pass as straight in most circumstances. Sometimes this causes me some mental/emotional distress, other times I use this privilege to fly under the wire if I don't want to be targeted for hate etc.

As it's wedding season, there are more and more articles being circulated online to readers. I'm a part of a number of Bisexual groups on Facebook. These groups are a fantastic source of community, support, outreach/info sharing, and also funny memes to help you laugh through your day. This week, an article entitled Why you shouldn't be Scared to Marry Someone Who's Bisexual came across the Facebook group Bisexual.org. I read the article (published by Brides.com) and it was ok, as far as articles on mostly straight/monogamous websites go. It addresses the key fear that monosexual people face when they are in relationship with a bisexual/queer person and then goes on to mention a number of "upsides" to marrying a bisexual person (groan).

Once again, the # 1 fear of monosexuals is that their bisexual partner will be unable to be monogamous in the relationship. Straight spouses are terrified that their bi/queer partners will either leave them for a person of the same sex or that they will have sex with everyone they meet.

What's going on here? Let's unpack this fear and try to understand it a bit better.

I believe that the source of this fear is threefold. 1) It comes from a place of entitled ownership that has been perpetuated through monogamous heteronormative capitalist narratives in media and cultural stories. You are my spouse. You belong to me. 2) Sex and relationships between two individuals is the accepted standard in our culture today. Having multiple partners seems to upset this accepted social norm and people (especially women) are labelled as sluts or worse. 3) Insecurity - it's clear that someone who is grasping and fearful is insecure about their own state of being/ability to stay healthy in a relationship. These folks project their insecurity onto others and it makes for some heinous emotional shitstorms in relationships.

Are Bisexuals Really Less Monogamous than monosexuals? Well, according to one study (link here, definitely worth a read!), not really:

78 percent of he bisexual men, and 67 percent of the bisexual women in this sample were either seriously dating one person, engaged, or married; the respective percentages for the full sample were 87 and 76.

Granted, bisexuals are more likely to be in committed non-monogamous relationships but that doesn't mean they are incapable of living and loving monogamously. I was monogamous with various previous partners for many years (both men and women).

So how do we get past this fear without the negative stereotypes and statements like "not all bisexuals are..." and without writing out a laundry list about why you should consider a bisexual (and queer, poly) person human, and therefore decent and marriageable?

The only way that I have managed thus far is by living (and writing) my truth. I am confronted in my daily life by folks who openly share their lives and relationships experiences with me/the world. I research and think critically about my worldview and consider how certain thoughts or beliefs limit me. I converse with folks I know and don't know to challenge my assumptions and to understand more of humanity. I then change my behaviours to align with these new ways of understanding. And then, if the mood strikes me, I write.

Here's my response to the Brides article:

Why you Shouldn't be Scared to Marry a Bisexual/Queer Poly Person

Because they are human like you.
Because you love each other and have shared future plans.
Because the connection is what matters, not fear based on insecurity.
Because poly people are often more committed, not less (as poly people may commit to more than just one person). See the Kimchi Cuddles cartoon below.
Because poly people understand and value the importance of communication, negotiation, and agreements.
Because poly people understand that human nature isn't necessarily monogamous. (i.e. that monogamous folks have high incidences of cheating).
Because poly isn't just about sex, it's about connections.
Because having ethical, open romantic relationships with other people can strengthen the bond you have with your primary partner.
Because having ethical, consensual sex with multiple people can actually enhance your relationship to your primary partner (i.e. less pressure to be someone's "everything").
Because marriage is defined by the people within the partnership - and it matters not if the partnership is between two or ten people.
Because monogamy and monosexuality don't guarantee security in relationships.

Kimchi 361 - a poly look at commitment