"Sad Mermaid" by doming on DeviantArt. Bear has often used the nickname mermaid for me in the past. I also resonate with with the mermaid/siren (check out The Art of Seduction by Robert Greene and you'll get an inkling of what I'm talking about). |
I've been going through one of the toughest experiences I have ever encountered in my romantic life. I've been struggling with the person that should be working with me, instead of working against me by focusing on placing blame on past actions. I've been trying so hard to make this relationship with Bear work for years, I felt it must be worth all the struggle...and I did feel a sense of accomplishment when we got married - that we managed to survive and get through some hard years together (my nephew's death, my dad getting cancer and dying, my mom getting cancer [in remission thank goddess], Bear losing his job, searching for housing in an insane market, etc). But the past 7-9 months have felt a lot like this:
And it's exhausting, to say the least.
I have tried. I did everything I could to try to help Bear understand that I really did want things to work out between us, and I wanted us to work together on what was holding us back as a partnership...but he got stuck on one point and couldn't "see the forest for the trees." He stayed stuck in that place because he thought that I wasn't hearing him, either intentionally or not...but instead of lovingly taking me to task, he allowed his frustration to turn into resentment and he began being distant, projecting his fears and insecurities at me, and I froze and surrendered my voice in those moments. This went on for several months until I started to crack. I asked that we go seek couples counseling together - I asked/followed up for eight straight weeks. He wasn't working for almost six of those weeks but never picked up the phone to find us a counselor. In that time, Bear refused to see a counselor with me unless I saw one first to "deal with my issues." Cue me sobbing every day for about 9-10 weeks... I've been waiting for him but I ran out of rope to hold onto in my mind.
At the end of my rope, with no support from my spouse, I realized that I didn't want to be in this marriage anymore. And so I spent the next five weeks working with a new (to me) counselor that has helped me re-frame my entire relationship with Bear (not just our year+ of marriage). I had to make sure that this was truly the choice I wanted for my life. I mean, we did just move in together less than a year ago, and we did so much work to get here. But the "here" just hasn't been working out and over the past month I realized that I'm done. I have nothing left to give here in this relationship, and what's more, I have been told time and time again by my friends that I have done everything I possibly could to save my marriage.
But that only makes you feel a little bit better. It's hard not to feel like an utter failure when your marriage dies after only a year. But counseling has helped me to pull back, and look at the entirety of the relationship - at the 10,000 foot level so to speak. And what I'm seeing is a lot of struggle. Bear said (rather, he shouted at me) that "Life is a struggle, and so are relationships," but I don't really think that they should be all struggle all the time. And that's what the majority of our relationship has felt like to me - one big struggle. I'm tired of struggling.
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Yes, this! This is how I feel love should be. |
I'm currently in a state of mourning for my relationship. I've been crying a fair bit, but it's a different kind of crying than the past several months. It's a letting-go kind of crying, rather than a frustrated-at-the-end-of-my-rope kind of crying. I feel a shift happening deep inside of me as I listen to my authentic voice each day. I have made this choice. It wasn't easy. But I do know in my bones and in my heart that this is the right choice for us both. Even if Bear can't see it now, I hope he will one day.
We will likely go see a couples counselor now to help us sort out lingering issues between us, and to help our separation transition go more smoothly. I don't hate Bear, and I don't want us to hurt each other any more. I sincerely wish him peace in his heart and love in his life. I don't know if we'll continue to be in each other's lives given that this is not what he wants, but I truly wish the following for the two of us humans who did their best to make it work:
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