No-One's Land

Fox and Bear face-off 

It's been over a month since I had "the talk" with Bear about my decision to separate. The actual talk was awful - I won't go into detail because it's not really anyone's business - but let's just say that literally all the things that I was worried about regarding Bear's reaction came true. Which was really painful (not to mention, extremely disappointing) to experience, let me tell you. It's a rather intense thing, making the decision to separate from one's spouse. Then communicating that decision to your spouse is another, even more intense thing. But the spousal reaction/response to the decision, well, that is next level intensity.  I had so much anxiety about relaying my decision to Bear. It made it difficult to be around him, during that weird time when I knew but he didn't... I worked with my counsellor to realize that there is a time and place for these conversations, and that it was OK for me to bring up this decision when we weren't at a festival etc. Still, the anxiety inside my body kept me up at night, put knots in my belly whenever I thought about having "the talk."

I actually have had this moment, where I took off my wedding ring and felt so lost and unhappy...

I waited until we were back from the annual Burn in the Forest event to have the conversation. To say that Bear took it badly would be an understatement. The only way I can describe it is that he projected all sorts of horrible things at and onto me in a fit of defensiveness and without a doubt, made me the bad guy in this situation. He simply did not want to hear me. He was in severe pain, I could tell. But being in pain is NOT an excuse or a pass for treating anyone so poorly. I felt awful, inflicting pain onto this person that I have been with for more than six years of my life. I hate, hate, hate hurting people that I care about. It tears me up inside! But my need for self-preservation trumped just "sticking it out" in a marriage that wasn't working for me.

What do I mean by self-preservation? Well, I could feel a hollowing-out of my personal identity. I felt an actual loss of sense of self. Like I was actually disappearing as a person. Which, after some Google searching, seems to actually be rather common - especially for women. I was giving so much that parts of myself started to slide away. I just knew deep inside of me that if I stayed, there would be nothing left of me. It was so incredibly painful to experience. Some days I felt resignation - that this would be the way my marriage would always feel. Other days I rejected it and and know that I shouldn't have to give up being me to be with him, and that he loves me for me. But the erosion of my sense of self continued it's painful progress. It felt a bit like this painting:

Self Portrait, "Disappearing" by artist Adrienne Stein.

During the past five weeks, I've been navigating an emotional minefield at home. Home is no longer a place to simply be and relax. It truly is a no-one's land where each of us is huddled in our own "bunkers," occasionally wandering into the breach for talks that sometimes escalate into fights. Thus, I have been somewhat hiding from my spouse and trying focus instead on my cat and things that I need to do for my own well-being. Bear hides in his room as well, often shutting the door so that he doesn't have to see me. It's so isolating and strange considering that only a few months ago we were still hanging out and getting along OK. It's also strange because I've been with this person for six years - my longest relationship to date - and it feels alien to be in the same space and yet not really coexist (if that makes sense).

Bear has been alternating between being a charging grizzly bear who is unable to be respectful towards me, and a Winnie-the-Pooh-esque platonic version of his former "normal" self. This platonic version of him actually sets my mind to overthinking - is he in denial that this separation is happening? Is he being nice because he realizes being rude/aggressive doesn't elicit the response he wants? Has he realized that I deserve to be treated with respect despite the fact that I've broken his heart? Is he trying to win me back? I have no idea what is going on with him, and I don't feel like I'm able to ask without being subjected to more emotional abuse. It's rather difficult to maneuver in this situation when I never know which version of Bear I'm going to get. I'm experiencing somewhat of a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde situation. It makes me deeply sad that this person that I was in love with and built my life around would treat me so poorly. Talk about a mind-fuck! I've even instituted a count (in my head) of how many days it's been since I was last yelled at. Kind of like one of these in the workplace:

One of the sources of these fights is this blog... Bear does not like that I share what's going on with the world: "at least I'm not broadcasting our break-up all over the internet!!!" Well, I want to take a moment and address this statement for a moment. Another friend of mine (and member of my extended polycule/queer family), Moose, shared his concerns with me about my sharing the break-up here on this blog. His perspective is that, it's private and doesn't concern anyone else. OK, fair, and I do see how Bear feels the same way. But then Moose went on to say, "but this is YOUR blog, and it's obviously been healthy for you to share what's been going on." And it's true, sharing this information actually does help me process the here-and-now. The other reason why I share here on this blog is, well, it's a blog about relationships! And my life! Plus, I understand the value of stories. My story is your story. We are all connected. I'm sure there are readers who have read my past few blog posts and have been nodding their heads in self-recognition with my words.

It's now been two weeks since I last had emotionally abusive words hurled in my direction. For which, I am VERY grateful. Holding myself in a kind of ongoing state of readiness (fight/flight/freeze) has been rather exhausting for me. I'm depleted so easily these days. People keep asking me how I'm doing. "Fine" is all I really feel like saying some days because I have nothing but a long-winded, complicated answer to that perfectly simple, straightforward question. And often, I don't think these folks actually want to know what's really going on with me.

Depression has hit me hard during this time of immense transition, and I am definitely grieving this loss of relationship. I'm grieving the loss of my best friend, lover, spouse, confidante, key support person, activity partner, and cuddle buddy. I'm losing my home. I'm losing stability. I'm saying goodbye to something that only a year + ago I thought I was saying hello to for a long time. I'm financially struggling and affordable housing seems to be out of reach for me at the moment. More than anything, I wish that I could grieve all this loss with Bear. I wish that we could talk and hold one another, and cry together and know that we loved each other well. That we did our best. That although our marriage has "failed," that all the love, time, care, and memories do count for something - that there were successes in our relationship too. Although we are parting, what we had was valuable, educational, and will be sorely missed. I'm bouncing through the various stages of grief and seem to oscillate between madness, depression, acceptance, disengagement etc.

Remember folks, grief is not linear!

It's a weird time to be in my head. I'm sure it's a weird time to be around me right now as well. Many of you have asked me, "what can I do to make your situation better?" Well....here's a handy list: offer me hugs/cuddles; offer to help me pack up my things for my upcoming move; offer to take me out for a drive; offer to buy me lunch or dinner; invite me to go for a walk in the evenings; invite me to low-cost or no-cost events and outings; help me search for housing; help me move when the time comes; tell me that I'm doing/looking/being awesome especially when I'm feeling like a hopeless, lost, loser; remind me that this too shall pass even if I try to take a swipe at you; make me laugh with silly memes; bring me chocolate; make me things from your own hands; tell me that I'm going to get through this, not only intact, but stronger and smarter than before. Your words and actions really matter during this tough time. More than many of you may know...

Thanks for reading.