Tuesday, 11 December 2018

As the dust settles

In the past two weeks, my life has undergone a dramatic shift. New job, new home, new roommate, new transit route. All this newness comes in stark contrast after months of banging my head against the lack of change in my life. Persistence finally paid off and I was released from not only a really stressful situation at home, and the stress of not finding a home to live in, but also from the ennui of a job that I've been trying to actively move from for over a year. The dust is still settling as I unpack, purge old items, and orientate myself to my new life and new job.


Like a phoenix rising from the ashes, so too am I rising up out of the rubble of my former life. The paradigm by which I navigated my life by has slipped from my shoulders like a weighted cloak and people are taking notice in my (for lack of better word) aura. Folks that had no idea of what I've been going through have told me lately how good I looked. I've been "double-taking" at these compliments! Given all the hell that the past five months has put me through, it's rather nice being perceived as looking "good" or "together." I feel like I must look like death warmed up, but this feedback from others has been rather bolstering for my self-esteem. It gets even better when both of my partners say it to me as well - and they have been 💗. But it's more than just "looking" well, it's also about doing well. And I've received feedback from friends and partners and my counselor alike that I am "doing well" in my post-separation world.

I'm not sure what my new life will really look or be like yet...I just know that I have planted many seeds to ensure my future happiness. I have faith that the seeds I planted will sprout and grow into the life that I really want, a life that will be fulfilling and joyful. I sent the following comic strip to Birdfriend yesterday, and I think it illustrates beautifully what I'm experiencing around this creation process:
From 4amShower Comics
My counselor asked me in my last session if I was proud of myself and all the change I've managed to effect in my life over the course of a few short months. I suppose I am proud. But it hasn't really fully sunk in yet, all these changes. Or what they mean in the long run. However, I do feel a profound sense that I am, every day, in some small way, maneuvering myself closer to the best possible life for myself. My compass is pointed to happiness, that hard-to-define ephemeral feeling. I'm listening to my gut and my spirit very intently these days. If my gut and my spirit are in accordance whether to avoid a thing or actively go after a thing, I listen. And it's such a powerful practice. I'm letting go of all the things I thought that I wanted for my life - some of this process has been painful. But it's ultimately freeing for me.


Letting go of what I thought my life was supposed to be life has been my focus since Bear moved out at the end of October. The whole  "now what?" feeling overcame me for awhile as I literally "built my life around" Bear (to quote Fleetwood Mac). Just over a year ago, my plan for this year was to get pregnant and prepare for a baby. Now all of that is moot and I must prepare myself for a different kind of gestation, emergence, and delivery. One where I must midwife myself from my old life and into my new life. I'm going to use the last few weeks of this calendar year to say goodbye and mourn those parts of myself and my previous expectations for this year. I am going to write letters that I may never send, but would rather burn. I plan on crying lots. I need to. The physical release of crying will enable me to let out the grief, the frustration, the sadness, and disappointment around all things related to the dissolution of my marriage. I am giving myself as much space to feel these feelings, knowing full well that the end of this year is an arbitrary "deadline," whilst also knowing that I will continue to process and let things go for the next year to come. Grieving and letting go take time. I would like to get to the place of forgiving my spouse but I recognize that I am not there yet. I am still too angry and upset about what happened between Bear and I. But I know eventually, I will find a way to forgive. I'm not the type of person that enjoys holding on to heartache and pain.
While I'm in this space of letting go, clearing out the old, I'm not exactly ready to make space for any new romantic relationships in my life. I've had friends ask me whether my current relationships have changed status with the change in my primary relationship and the answer is no. I'm not looking to escalate either relationship at this point, nor is escalation what I want in relationships right now. I need focus on healing from my past and from my marriage ending before I can think about stepping on an escalator with anyone. That may change in the future, and I am being intentional about making space in my head for romance next year in the Spring. When I think about dating right now though, I want to run for the hills! Especially when I think about online dating, ewwwwww!

Good grief! No thank you!!!
That said, I'm still very much enjoying my time with both Birdfriend and Yak. It's nice to give both of them a bit more attention now that I've moved and have much more space in my head, and time in my schedule, to devote to them. It's sometimes hard to believe that I've been with Birdfriend for more than six years! We plan on doing something special to commemorate the anniversary, including getting D/s theme-related tattoos. Mine will be a crow or raven on my inner lower left arm (Dominant) and Birdfriend will get a "bird band" of sorts around their right ankle (submissive) in a swirling pattern of birds-in-flight. Bird bands are used to denote ownership of actual fowl, and so this tattoo is in effect a way to show my ownership of  Birdfriend in a D/s capacity. I'm looking forward to getting more ink, and to sharing this experience with Birdfriend. It will be nice to have a physical reminder of our connection that I can admire on both of our bodies. I'll post photos in a later blog.

With Yak, we have been together for almost two and a half years now. We've got a mini weekend-getaway planned in about a month for mid-January. It's good to have something planned as winter is a hard time for me (see last year's post on my S.A.D.) We will be heading to the Sunshine Coast for a few days to escape the drudgery of the rainy city and relax our muscles and rest our spirits as well. Lots of cuddles to be sure! I think it may become a bit of a January "ritual" of sorts as last January we took a similar mini weekend-getaway together. I appreciate the planning that Yak has done and I am looking forward to it!

It's nice for me to have things to look forward to after so much mental anguish and emotional pain this year. I wasn't really looking forward to much in 2018 except the return of Birdfriend and Yak from the PCT. And now that they are back, and I have moved homes and jobs, I can start to look to the future again not with fear or worry about how things will turn out, but with a sense of curiosity about the good things that might be coming my way. It's a fantastic and welcome change of scenery for my brain. I'm ready.


1 comment:

  1. My counsellor encouraged me that reframing my experiences and dreams would help me to move forward. I am heartened to see you reframing so skillfully.

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