Derailed

I need to be honest...I have some major anxiety about sharing this post. Mostly, because the event that I'm going to share and the person it involves is someone well integrated into my friend group. So to our shared friends, please remember that I always try to write from a place of truth and that this is my side of the story. Also, being this person's partner is a vastly different experience than being their friend. It's also hard because I still love this person, and it's almost as if the act of writing about what happened two weeks ago makes it more real. But I also acknowledge that it's time to release this "story" from my head. To try, if at all possible, to make sense of what happened.

At the end of November, Yak and I began to have a number of challenging discussions about our relationship. Her birthday was coming up, a time of year that I know is difficult for her head-space, a time that she usually would rather be travelling alone than be the centre of attention at a party. I did my best to make her birthday party a fun, friendly, and non-pressuring type of event. She had a great time. The discussions that came in the weeks afterwards were centered around what our relationship was supposed to be, what it could be. We've been together for about two and a half years and things have shifted in both of our lives - there was more time to explore our connection's possibilities. Or at least, that's what I thought.

Which each weekly discussion, I felt that we were becoming closer. She was sharing her fears around our relationship, and I tried my best to reassure her, because I too struggle with fear from time to time in relationships; but I try to acknowledge the fear and then, let it go. After each discussion, she said (verbatim), "Wow, I feel so much better after talking to you. I feel much closer to you, like we have become more intimate." I felt the same! And then, it became clear that while I was reassuring her in these discussions, she wasn't providing me with the same kind of support. I pointed it out in the third discussion, that she wasn't letting me in. That she wasn't reassuring me about these difficult fears that we were discussing. In that moment, she realized that she was keeping me on the outs, and told me that she understood how much I needed her to try to let me in. During the next discussion, I told her that if she couldn't let me in, that I wouldn't be able to stay in the relationship. She understood and explained a fear of not being able to, but then emphatically made an agreement with me to work on our relationship. To not let fear rule what happens in our connection. That she would try to work on things with her counselor, and I with mine, and that we both didn't want the relationship to end. Like, really didn't want it to end. Holding each other, crying, hoping and wanting to stay together. It was actually a really beautiful moment. She told me that I was such an amazing partner. It made me feel a lot more stable and confident in our connection.

Yes, relationships take work and communication but I felt like we were on the right path to working towards something really great! 

I shared the gist of these conversations with Birdfriend, and they seemed pleased that Yak and I were becoming even closer. They felt that I was doing a really good job of navigating through difficult conversations with someone with anxiety and without my depression getting in the way. I felt so too. I wasn't projecting what I wanted from relationships onto her, nor was I trying to pressure Yak into being a certain way, pigeonholed into a certain kind of relationship. I was really proud of that actually.

The Wednesday in the second week of December, I invited the Yak over. I texted beforehand that I needed a break from the heavy conversations and to focus on having a nice date together. We did! We went out for dinner, made cookies, and then made really fantastically beautiful love. She slept over and although I didn't have the greatest sleep, it was really nice to see her when I opened my eyes. It was such a nice date, that what happened only five days later was completely a shock to me, right to my very core. To cut to the chase - I got dumped by Yak. She wanted a goodnight phone call on the Sunday night after our date, and somehow the conversation steered itself in a negative direction to the point that I had to just stop and ask her, "Are you breaking up with me??!" and her answer was simply "Yes."

(insert brain exploding sound here)

I felt as though she had turned tail and kicked me with her two back hooves, one squarely in my heart and the other squarely in my guts before running as far and as fast from me as she could. It hurt me so much, blindsided me to the point that I think I started to rant and rave. I know I hung up on her and had a hard cry before calling her back. I honestly don't remember much of the conversation after that point. All I know is that I was violently, uncontrollably shaking and felt nauseated. I had to reach out for immediate support among my friends (thank you Tabby and Birdfriend!) I was furious at her for ending our relationship so abruptly after all those discussions, and on the PHONE?! I felt and still feel really disrespected by her. I was her partner. And she just chucked me away!

How I'm feeling at the moment. Very apropos given that Yak is a Sagittarius, the archer.

The past two weeks I've been a physical, mental, and emotional mess. And my spirit hurts, there's no other way to describe this feeling inside of me. I don't think I've ever had a partner turn their back on me so quickly like Yak has done. I know that what happened is more a reflection on her mental and emotional state than on me. But I'm so fucking disappointed that this person that I've invested a lot into personally just couldn't be there for me, just couldn't do the work that it takes to be in a long term dynamic relationship, even though she "really wanted it to work."

Here's the thing though, Yak has been telling herself for a long time that our relationship just "won't work out" because 'poly always fails' or she's not really poly (and for the record, I was totally OK with that!) or some other reason that she didn't know how to express. It was a bit like watching this over and over for the past 10 months: 

It's hard watching the person you love be incapable of getting out of their own way. I acknowledged that it was painful for her, but that other than supporting her and being fully present with her there was nothing I could really do. That internal work was her own. Things only really shifted the week before she left for the PCT. She told me three days before she left that she was finally open to what our connection could be. And then she left for 5.5 months on that hike. We corresponded and spoke weekly on the phone, and marveled at how our connection kept growing, even from afar. When she returned we had a of month of NRE-reprised, and then things got weird after Halloween...pretty much right after I told her how excited I was to explore my relationship with her. It bothered me that she was allowed to feel excited about us but I wasn't. And then, slowly, she began pulling away, and then her premenstrual dysphoric disorder kicked in, and then those conversations started happening. And then, the rest, as they say, is history.

But I tried to not let it become history...I tried one last time to talk reason with the Yak. To bring up how we've become closer through conversation, even repeating her very words back to her. But she was as immovable as a solid steel door frozen shut in January. Nothing was getting through to her. She didn't seem to care or want to hear anything I had to say. It was more painful than I care to remember. She was just so, so cold. So final in her decision and absolutely no rationale given other than "I just don't think it's going to work." That same old mantra of hers. I tried to be the partner I usually am, holding up a mirror to reflect back what I see but she just shut me down.  I asked her if she no longer loved me and she said, "Yes, I still love you." Other than a wimpy, half-whispered apology, that was all I got. And so, I got angry with her. It's the only thing I'm not really proud of in the whole relationship. I was just so unbelievably frustrated with how she was being totally uncooperative, uncommunicative, and wasn't even kind to me, her soon-to-be-ex-partner. It was one of the worst breakups I've ever experienced, and considering what I went through with Bear, that really is saying something..................

I've spent the past two weeks crying, processing, and trying to make sense of how this amazingly dynamic, expansive, sexy, and spiritually beautiful connection died in the space of a few short weeks. My head simply cannot make sense of this other than to try and piece together what I know about Yak, her past, her personality, and mental states. It doesn't make sense no matter how I look at it. How does a person go from making an enthusiastic agreement about our partnership and then only 10 days later decide to dramatically end that relationship??? There is no logic (as far as I can see) in her actions. Her words and actions did not align, she wasn't walking her talk. And I realize now that I have lost some respect for her because she didn't act with integrity in the end. Which is a rather uncomfortable feeling, but one I need to feel to help me get over her.

Being away from Vancouver this week has been helpful for me to think about it all and get some perspective. While I just don't understand how this all went downhill so quickly, I do know that Yak is a rigid person. That is something that I was able to identify about her way of thinking while I was pacing outside this morning. Bear was too. I'm coming to the realization that I don't want to be with people who are so rigid in their thinking. Confident, self-assured, and skilled in the ways of relationships and communication for sure, but flexible in their thinking. These are the kind of people that I want to seek, find, and create new relationships with going forward. I'm blessed that Birdfriend is one such person, and I think it may be why our connection has lasted so long. I believe that I am one such person. And I deserve future partners that can meet me at my level without great personal cost.

So I make myself this vow right here and now, I am going to no longer spend my precious time and energy on people who aren't ready to love me. I know that it can be difficult to figure that out with new potential partners, but I know what it will feel like, and what it will be like. And I won't settle for anything less. I deserve someone as awesome as I am. As the wife of a friend of mine said last week, "Choose better." So I plan on doing just that. 

As for Yak, I want absolutely nothing to do with her for the time being. I am so disappointed in her and I need time and space to get over how I feel about her. I don't know if I can, or even want to be her friend in the future. Which is really fucking sad. If she had taken a different approach to ending things with me, I think friendship would've been quite possible. At this point, I don't feel that she actually deserves my friendship - not surprising given how taken for granted I feel by her. And that's OK. That may change many moons from now, and as I am a flexible person, I could be open to friendship in the future. But for now, it's not even a possibility. Until I receive a proper apology from the Yak, she's no longer welcome in my life. Harsh, but what's needed. And I'm all about doing what's needed. 

Goodbye 2018 - you gave me double heartbreak from long-term partners that wouldn't or couldn't work with me; and I'm ready to leave you and all of that behind. Time to move forward, I cannot go back. Here I go...

As the dust settles

In the past two weeks, my life has undergone a dramatic shift. New job, new home, new roommate, new transit route. All this newness comes in stark contrast after months of banging my head against the lack of change in my life. Persistence finally paid off and I was released from not only a really stressful situation at home, and the stress of not finding a home to live in, but also from the ennui of a job that I've been trying to actively move from for over a year. The dust is still settling as I unpack, purge old items, and orientate myself to my new life and new job.

Like a phoenix rising from the ashes, so too am I rising up out of the rubble of my former life. The paradigm by which I navigated my life by has slipped from my shoulders like a weighted cloak and people are taking notice in my (for lack of better word) aura. Folks that had no idea of what I've been going through have told me lately how good I looked. I've been "double-taking" at these compliments! Given all the hell that the past five months has put me through, it's rather nice being perceived as looking "good" or "together." I feel like I must look like death warmed up, but this feedback from others has been rather bolstering for my self-esteem. It gets even better when both of my partners say it to me as well - and they have been 💗. But it's more than just "looking" well, it's also about doing well. And I've received feedback from friends and partners and my counselor alike that I am "doing well" in my post-separation world.

I'm not sure what my new life will really look or be like yet...I just know that I have planted many seeds to ensure my future happiness. I have faith that the seeds I planted will sprout and grow into the life that I really want, a life that will be fulfilling and joyful. I sent the following comic strip to Birdfriend yesterday, and I think it illustrates beautifully what I'm experiencing around this creation process:

From 4amShower Comics

My counselor asked me in my last session if I was proud of myself and all the change I've managed to effect in my life over the course of a few short months. I suppose I am proud. But it hasn't really fully sunk in yet, all these changes. Or what they mean in the long run. However, I do feel a profound sense that I am, every day, in some small way, maneuvering myself closer to the best possible life for myself. My compass is pointed to happiness, that hard-to-define ephemeral feeling. I'm listening to my gut and my spirit very intently these days. If my gut and my spirit are in accordance whether to avoid a thing or actively go after a thing, I listen. And it's such a powerful practice. I'm letting go of all the things I thought that I wanted for my life - some of this process has been painful. But it's ultimately freeing for me.

Letting go of what I thought my life was supposed to be life has been my focus since Bear moved out at the end of October. The whole  "now what?" feeling overcame me for awhile as I literally "built my life around" Bear (to quote Fleetwood Mac). Just over a year ago, my plan for this year was to get pregnant and prepare for a baby. Now all of that is moot and I must prepare myself for a different kind of gestation, emergence, and delivery. One where I must midwife myself from my old life and into my new life. I'm going to use the last few weeks of this calendar year to say goodbye and mourn those parts of myself and my previous expectations for this year. I am going to write letters that I may never send, but would rather burn. I plan on crying lots. I need to. The physical release of crying will enable me to let out the grief, the frustration, the sadness, and disappointment around all things related to the dissolution of my marriage. I am giving myself as much space to feel these feelings, knowing full well that the end of this year is an arbitrary "deadline," whilst also knowing that I will continue to process and let things go for the next year to come. Grieving and letting go take time. I would like to get to the place of forgiving my spouse but I recognize that I am not there yet. I am still too angry and upset about what happened between Bear and I. But I know eventually, I will find a way to forgive. I'm not the type of person that enjoys holding on to heartache and pain.

While I'm in this space of letting go, clearing out the old, I'm not exactly ready to make space for any new romantic relationships in my life. I've had friends ask me whether my current relationships have changed status with the change in my primary relationship and the answer is no. I'm not looking to escalate either relationship at this point, nor is escalation what I want in relationships right now. I need focus on healing from my past and from my marriage ending before I can think about stepping on an escalator with anyone. That may change in the future, and I am being intentional about making space in my head for romance next year in the Spring. When I think about dating right now though, I want to run for the hills! Especially when I think about online dating, ewwwwww!

Good grief! No thank you!!!

That said, I'm still very much enjoying my time with both Birdfriend and Yak. It's nice to give both of them a bit more attention now that I've moved and have much more space in my head, and time in my schedule, to devote to them. It's sometimes hard to believe that I've been with Birdfriend for more than six years! We plan on doing something special to commemorate the anniversary, including getting D/s theme-related tattoos. Mine will be a crow or raven on my inner lower left arm (Dominant) and Birdfriend will get a "bird band" of sorts around their right ankle (submissive) in a swirling pattern of birds-in-flight. Bird bands are used to denote ownership of actual fowl, and so this tattoo is in effect a way to show my ownership of  Birdfriend in a D/s capacity. I'm looking forward to getting more ink, and to sharing this experience with Birdfriend. It will be nice to have a physical reminder of our connection that I can admire on both of our bodies. I'll post photos in a later blog.

With Yak, we have been together for almost two and a half years now. We've got a mini weekend-getaway planned in about a month for mid-January. It's good to have something planned as winter is a hard time for me (see last year's post on my S.A.D.) We will be heading to the Sunshine Coast for a few days to escape the drudgery of the rainy city and relax our muscles and rest our spirits as well. Lots of cuddles to be sure! I think it may become a bit of a January "ritual" of sorts as last January we took a similar mini weekend-getaway together. I appreciate the planning that Yak has done and I am looking forward to it!

It's nice for me to have things to look forward to after so much mental anguish and emotional pain this year. I wasn't really looking forward to much in 2018 except the return of Birdfriend and Yak from the PCT. And now that they are back, and I have moved homes and jobs, I can start to look to the future again not with fear or worry about how things will turn out, but with a sense of curiosity about the good things that might be coming my way. It's a fantastic and welcome change of scenery for my brain. I'm ready.