A Day of Celebration

I'm cozied up in my bed right now, drinking cider from a stoneware mug and reminiscing on more than two years of blogging here in this section of cyberspace. I recall how much trepidation I had about starting this writing project. How I didn't want to be just another white woman with a blog blah blah blah. How I was encouraged to use my voice anyways, how I learned to be a better ally to QTIPOC folx , how important it is to share stories, and to make space to listen to each other. While blogging can sometimes feel like a one-way conversation, I do get feedback mostly on Facebook and through FB Messenger, and I hear all of you! And what I hear is how similar our shared experiences are. No matter our gender, background, age, beliefs... And it gives me hope to carry on. Not just with writing this blog, but with living. And that, dear readers, is an amazing gift that you've given me. Thank you from the bottom of my heart!

Today is also Bisexual (and Pansexual) Visibility Day! It happens to also be the 20th anniversary of this day! So many celebrations today! The first one was held in Johannesburg, South Africa in Sept 1999.

If you want to know about the history of Bisexual Awareness and Visibility campaigns, I highly suggest that you check out Bisexual History on Facebook. Their writers have a thorough catalogue of all things historically bi!

As I said last year, I identify as Queer - this is partly because I feel like its a better descriptor for me than bi or pan and it also comes with a political bent to it. More and more people understand what queer means now, but sometimes I come across a person that isn't aware that the word has been reclaimed by the community (Qmmunity!) In fact, my city apparently had a bit of an ethical debate over using the term Year of the Queer for the annual Pride festivities. From the article:

And I feel the same as Osmel, that reclaiming the word Queer is an act of power. The word cannot be used against me because I joyously use it to describe myself .😄

However, when people are unaware of what queer means, I often revert to using the term bi because most folx understand what that means (with some rather unhealthy stereotypes thrown in). But then again, this meme captures what often happens:

In fact, it's kind of happened to me in my own home... During one of our fights, Bear accused me of changing sexualities. That is, he shouted/asked me if I told my mother that I am no longer attracted to men. This really bothered me. I may be more of a 4 than a 3 on the Kinsey Scale (if you subscribe to such outdated models of sexuality) but I am still attracted to men. I'm just no longer attracted to him. I still find men attractive, but I'm not looking to start anything new with anyone. No matter what their gender.

Pretty awesome shot of what looks like a falcon or corvid with a yak. From this Flickr account.

 I'm starting to "prepare myself" for the return of Birdfriend and Yak. It's hard to believe that they've been gone for more than five months, out in the wilderness, and hiking more than 2600 miles of the PCT. We've been writing and sending packages to each other, which has made their absence easier to bear. Plus all those messenger chats and video calls - I really appreciate the effort these two have made to stay in contact with me over the miles. And now there's less than a week until they return home! It feels a little unreal. In some ways, I don't feel "ready" for their return. I've had to stuff many of my thoughts and feelings into jars and shelve them for later consideration. But it's been hard to make space for that with all the apartment hunting, selling of my possessions, and cleaning my current residence because it's for sale and my landlady is aggressively showing it to prospective buyers. Then you add ongoing emotional abuse at home and you can understand when I say that my stress level is rather HIGH.

That said, I'm really looking forward to seeing the two of these beasts again! I miss them more than words can say. I am looking forward to reconnecting with my D/s energy again. I have definitely felt the absence of power play and the feel of heated flesh under my palm after giving a good spanking...I know that Birdfriend is also looking forward to reconnecting through play as well. It's been weird for me, sitting out all the kink parties all summer. And Yak....I am looking forward to all the cuddles, laughter, and spiritual connection that being with her brings. I worry that I may turn into a sobbing mess when I seem them both again, like when Birdfriend and Yak left, but I think not somehow. I think that I'm just ready for them to come home. Ready to have them physically near me again, in three dimensions, not just two. I'm organizing them a wee onesie/pj party to celebrate their return. So excited for cuddles!!! I know that all three of us are cuddle-deprived (for various reasons), so it'll be good to have my oxytocin tank refilled. It's damn near empty...

A sweet card that Birdfriend sent me from Oregon. So much love and cuddles!

Let's talk about Mental Health

Since I was in my mid-teens, I've suffered from depression. It's a kind of low-grade, background noise most of the time...something I can drown out with a busy life, keeping my living quarters tidy, and writing. For the past nine or so years though, it's become a louder sound, and much harder to drown out through external world controls. It's like my depression used to be the sound of distant waves on the beach, and slowly, somehow over time I'm standing right next to the shore, and the waves are lapping at my feet. I sometimes feel the suck and pull of the ocean of sadness, wanting to tow me under, and the seductive feel of letting go...

Today is

or so Facebook told me. I've been wanting to write another blog about what's going on in my head, and today seemed like a rather appropriate day to do so. Especially after the epic fight that Bear and I had yesterday.

Depression is an illness that runs in my biological family - my grandfather had it, my uncle had it, my aunt has it, my half-sister has it, and I have it. I do believe in the power of genetics, especially given that I am adopted and my adoptive family doesn't have depression scattered all the way through. When it first came on in my teen years, it was such a bewildering sensation. It seemed to originate from a deep pervasive feeling that I wasn't good enough. I have different hypotheses as to why I felt that way, but for sure, puberty coupled with my father becoming an alcoholic definitely had much to do with it.

As the years went on, I felt bouts of depression come and go but I was mostly able to manage it with some counseling and goal-setting. Until my car accidents... Between November 2009 and May 2011, I experienced three car accidents. The last one, I was actually a cyclist that was struck by a car making an illegal turn at one of the most dangerous intersections in my city (Burrard & Pacific, right before the bridge). These accidents (especially the last one) have altered the way my body functions forever. I know, because it's been 9 years and I'm still in pain and have limitations to how much I can work, and the kind of work I can perform. The sense of personal loss after multiple injuries is something that is hard to describe. It's devastating. It's demotivating. It's terrifying. It's lonely as hell. And you never know how much of your body's functionality you are going to get back. So having faith in the process was difficult.

Almost five years ago, I lost my 19-month old nephew in a horrific car accident a week before Christmas. That loss has affected my family so deeply, we are still grieving to this day. The death of my nephew was senseless, I kind of lost my mind after he died. I couldn't understand how the world could take away such a young kid, before he really had a chance to taste life. And then in September 2014, while I was away traveling in Europe, I found out that my biological uncle (whom I had never met) had committed suicide in his remote cabin in the woods in Ontario. Then, only seven months later, in April 2015, my dad passed away from cancer caused by his alcoholism/addiction to cigarettes. My depression became a tsunami, that swallowed me whole after that. I couldn't focus enough to be effective at work, and so I took three months off to grieve my dad and to try and get my head "in order." It would be accurate to say that I have depression with compounded grief and PTSD trauma from those car accidents and previous sexual assaults. I started taking an antidepressant, starting going to counseling more regularly, focused on doing things that were good for me and let my emotions flow freely so that I wouldn't get somatic problems (aka what my RMT calls "issues in my tissues").

How depression feels to me a lot of the time. Like I am a condensed ball of human flesh, with all the sadness and madness written into my skin for all to see (and judge).

Three years later, I'm through my grief for my dad, and now I'm grieving the loss of my primary relationship. This loss, coupled with some financial woes (f-u Phoenix!) has caused my depression to spiral in the past few months. Plus, not having the major support of my two other relationships around me has made this summer rather hellish in my head. I have been thinking some really dark thoughts lately. It's not an easy thing to admit, let alone to write about and publish online. But it is my reality. And it's awful let me tell you. Living with these thoughts rolling around in my brain is uncomfortable and scary. I have to check my thoughts often and, as in meditation, watch them and try not to judge them, and hopefully let them sail on by. But sometimes, as when ships get caught in a storm, the thoughts cannot be controlled. Sometimes, I am not able to get a hold of the steering wheel and right the ship. Sometimes, I have to let my thoughts pitch and roll over the bubbling sea of my mind and I just have to hang on as hard as I can. Sometimes, I can find my voice and ask for help. Other times, I just cry and cry and feel so exhausted by life. So exhausted by existing. And utterly alone.

That's the worst part about depression, I think. How alone it makes you feel. That loneliness creates a feeling of isolation so complete that death seems like the obvious next step. Which is horrifying. But it's how the depressed brain often thinks. I recall telling my co-workers last year about how when I'm depressed, that I feel like no one in the world at all cares about me. The coworkers promptly changed the subject. Because it was an uncomfortable thought. But it's so real for me. And I just wanted to feel less alone, but changing the subject just made me feel more alone. Readers, if you truly want to make a depressed person feel better, hold their hand and tell them this:

What's been extremely difficult in my primary relationship is that my mental health has been used against me by Bear in arguments. Something that is not only unfair, but also extremely emotionally abusive. My mental health became the main "reason" why we didn't have a child together - something I'm equally happy and sad about. Happy because I'm not subjecting a small child to this separation. Sad because I actually really want to be a mother. It's one thing to have fear about a possible unknown future event, it's another thing to let that fear to control when and if things happen in a relationship. His fear around my depression and suicidal thoughts created a sense of shame in me for being the way I was. But more over, it has became clear that he "cannot handle my mental health issues" (his words, not mine).  And so, I've had to create a boundary now whereby my mental health is no longer a topic up for discussion. I need to feel respected by my partner, no matter if I'm having a good mental health day, or I'm crying in the bathtub and don't know if I can make it through the day. For some good tips on how to support a partner with a mental illness, click here. And remember, having a mental illness is not an excuse to treat someone you love poorly either. Respect goes both ways...

If you are suffering from depression or another mental illness, I personally want to assure you that you are NOT alone. The hardest thing to do is reach out for help, but I promise you that reaching out is not only the thing you MUST learn to do, it is a life-saving action. What I've learned is that many people I know and love have some kind of mental illness or have experienced bouts of it at some point or other in their lives. People do understand, and more and more, workplaces are taking note and providing Employee Assistance Programs (EAPs) and offering training on mental wellness and resiliency. Stigma for mental illness is being tackled with promotional materials, billboards, and days like today, where we as a world acknowledge that suicide is a reality for humanity, and we need to reduce stigma, educate ourselves and each other, and support those who need support. If you need help right now, please reach out for support:

Province-Wide British Columbia, BCCrisis 24 hrs: 1-800-SUICIDE (1-800-784-2433)
http://www.crisislines.bc.ca

And remember, now and always:

From the Sad Ghost Club

Much love to you all.

No-One's Land

Fox and Bear face-off 

It's been over a month since I had "the talk" with Bear about my decision to separate. The actual talk was awful - I won't go into detail because it's not really anyone's business - but let's just say that literally all the things that I was worried about regarding Bear's reaction came true. Which was really painful (not to mention, extremely disappointing) to experience, let me tell you. It's a rather intense thing, making the decision to separate from one's spouse. Then communicating that decision to your spouse is another, even more intense thing. But the spousal reaction/response to the decision, well, that is next level intensity.  I had so much anxiety about relaying my decision to Bear. It made it difficult to be around him, during that weird time when I knew but he didn't... I worked with my counsellor to realize that there is a time and place for these conversations, and that it was OK for me to bring up this decision when we weren't at a festival etc. Still, the anxiety inside my body kept me up at night, put knots in my belly whenever I thought about having "the talk."

I actually have had this moment, where I took off my wedding ring and felt so lost and unhappy...

I waited until we were back from the annual Burn in the Forest event to have the conversation. To say that Bear took it badly would be an understatement. The only way I can describe it is that he projected all sorts of horrible things at and onto me in a fit of defensiveness and without a doubt, made me the bad guy in this situation. He simply did not want to hear me. He was in severe pain, I could tell. But being in pain is NOT an excuse or a pass for treating anyone so poorly. I felt awful, inflicting pain onto this person that I have been with for more than six years of my life. I hate, hate, hate hurting people that I care about. It tears me up inside! But my need for self-preservation trumped just "sticking it out" in a marriage that wasn't working for me.

What do I mean by self-preservation? Well, I could feel a hollowing-out of my personal identity. I felt an actual loss of sense of self. Like I was actually disappearing as a person. Which, after some Google searching, seems to actually be rather common - especially for women. I was giving so much that parts of myself started to slide away. I just knew deep inside of me that if I stayed, there would be nothing left of me. It was so incredibly painful to experience. Some days I felt resignation - that this would be the way my marriage would always feel. Other days I rejected it and and know that I shouldn't have to give up being me to be with him, and that he loves me for me. But the erosion of my sense of self continued it's painful progress. It felt a bit like this painting:

Self Portrait, "Disappearing" by artist Adrienne Stein.

During the past five weeks, I've been navigating an emotional minefield at home. Home is no longer a place to simply be and relax. It truly is a no-one's land where each of us is huddled in our own "bunkers," occasionally wandering into the breach for talks that sometimes escalate into fights. Thus, I have been somewhat hiding from my spouse and trying focus instead on my cat and things that I need to do for my own well-being. Bear hides in his room as well, often shutting the door so that he doesn't have to see me. It's so isolating and strange considering that only a few months ago we were still hanging out and getting along OK. It's also strange because I've been with this person for six years - my longest relationship to date - and it feels alien to be in the same space and yet not really coexist (if that makes sense).

Bear has been alternating between being a charging grizzly bear who is unable to be respectful towards me, and a Winnie-the-Pooh-esque platonic version of his former "normal" self. This platonic version of him actually sets my mind to overthinking - is he in denial that this separation is happening? Is he being nice because he realizes being rude/aggressive doesn't elicit the response he wants? Has he realized that I deserve to be treated with respect despite the fact that I've broken his heart? Is he trying to win me back? I have no idea what is going on with him, and I don't feel like I'm able to ask without being subjected to more emotional abuse. It's rather difficult to maneuver in this situation when I never know which version of Bear I'm going to get. I'm experiencing somewhat of a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde situation. It makes me deeply sad that this person that I was in love with and built my life around would treat me so poorly. Talk about a mind-fuck! I've even instituted a count (in my head) of how many days it's been since I was last yelled at. Kind of like one of these in the workplace:

One of the sources of these fights is this blog... Bear does not like that I share what's going on with the world: "at least I'm not broadcasting our break-up all over the internet!!!" Well, I want to take a moment and address this statement for a moment. Another friend of mine (and member of my extended polycule/queer family), Moose, shared his concerns with me about my sharing the break-up here on this blog. His perspective is that, it's private and doesn't concern anyone else. OK, fair, and I do see how Bear feels the same way. But then Moose went on to say, "but this is YOUR blog, and it's obviously been healthy for you to share what's been going on." And it's true, sharing this information actually does help me process the here-and-now. The other reason why I share here on this blog is, well, it's a blog about relationships! And my life! Plus, I understand the value of stories. My story is your story. We are all connected. I'm sure there are readers who have read my past few blog posts and have been nodding their heads in self-recognition with my words.

It's now been two weeks since I last had emotionally abusive words hurled in my direction. For which, I am VERY grateful. Holding myself in a kind of ongoing state of readiness (fight/flight/freeze) has been rather exhausting for me. I'm depleted so easily these days. People keep asking me how I'm doing. "Fine" is all I really feel like saying some days because I have nothing but a long-winded, complicated answer to that perfectly simple, straightforward question. And often, I don't think these folks actually want to know what's really going on with me.

Depression has hit me hard during this time of immense transition, and I am definitely grieving this loss of relationship. I'm grieving the loss of my best friend, lover, spouse, confidante, key support person, activity partner, and cuddle buddy. I'm losing my home. I'm losing stability. I'm saying goodbye to something that only a year + ago I thought I was saying hello to for a long time. I'm financially struggling and affordable housing seems to be out of reach for me at the moment. More than anything, I wish that I could grieve all this loss with Bear. I wish that we could talk and hold one another, and cry together and know that we loved each other well. That we did our best. That although our marriage has "failed," that all the love, time, care, and memories do count for something - that there were successes in our relationship too. Although we are parting, what we had was valuable, educational, and will be sorely missed. I'm bouncing through the various stages of grief and seem to oscillate between madness, depression, acceptance, disengagement etc.

Remember folks, grief is not linear!

It's a weird time to be in my head. I'm sure it's a weird time to be around me right now as well. Many of you have asked me, "what can I do to make your situation better?" Well....here's a handy list: offer me hugs/cuddles; offer to help me pack up my things for my upcoming move; offer to take me out for a drive; offer to buy me lunch or dinner; invite me to go for a walk in the evenings; invite me to low-cost or no-cost events and outings; help me search for housing; help me move when the time comes; tell me that I'm doing/looking/being awesome especially when I'm feeling like a hopeless, lost, loser; remind me that this too shall pass even if I try to take a swipe at you; make me laugh with silly memes; bring me chocolate; make me things from your own hands; tell me that I'm going to get through this, not only intact, but stronger and smarter than before. Your words and actions really matter during this tough time. More than many of you may know...

Thanks for reading.

The Sad Siren

A couple months have gone by since my last blog post. I was really hoping to have a good news story to be able to share with my readers about how things have been slowly resolving in my relationship with Bear, but that's unfortunately not what I'm about to relate in this blog. I've been a rather Sad Siren of late, and the world has taken notice. I'm one of those people who wears their emotions on their face, and even coworkers have come up to me to ask me what's wrong. I'm now ready to start sharing more in the hopes that it will provide some clarity for me in the future, and perhaps serve as a place of connection for anyone with a similar story.

"Sad Mermaid" by doming on DeviantArt. Bear has often used the nickname mermaid for me in the past. I also resonate with with the mermaid/siren (check out The Art of Seduction by Robert Greene and you'll get an inkling of what I'm talking about).

I've been going through one of the toughest experiences I have ever encountered in my romantic life. I've been struggling with the person that should be working with me, instead of working against me by focusing on placing blame on past actions. I've been trying so hard to make this relationship with Bear work for years, I felt it must be worth all the struggle...and I did feel a sense of accomplishment when we got married - that we managed to survive and get through some hard years together (my nephew's death, my dad getting cancer and dying, my mom getting cancer [in remission thank goddess], Bear losing his job, searching for housing in an insane market, etc). But the past 7-9 months have felt a lot like this:

And it's exhausting, to say the least.

I have tried. I did everything I could to try to help Bear understand that I really did want things to work out between us, and I wanted us to work together on what was holding us back as a partnership...but he got stuck on one point and couldn't "see the forest for the trees." He stayed stuck in that place because he thought that I wasn't hearing him, either intentionally or not...but instead of lovingly taking me to task, he allowed his frustration to turn into resentment and he began being distant, projecting his fears and insecurities at me, and I froze and surrendered my voice in those moments. This went on for several months until I started to crack. I asked that we go seek couples counseling together - I asked/followed up for eight straight weeks. He wasn't working for almost six of those weeks but never picked up the phone to find us a counselor. In that time, Bear refused to see a counselor with me unless I saw one first to "deal with my issues." Cue me sobbing every day for about 9-10 weeks... I've been waiting for him but I ran out of rope to hold onto in my mind.

At the end of my rope, with no support from my spouse, I realized that I didn't want to be in this marriage anymore. And so I spent the next five weeks working with a new (to me) counselor that has helped me re-frame my entire relationship with Bear (not just our year+ of marriage). I had to make sure that this was truly the choice I wanted for my life. I mean, we did just move in together less than a year ago, and we did so much work to get here. But the "here" just hasn't been working out and over the past month I realized that I'm done. I have nothing left to give here in this relationship, and what's more, I have been told time and time again by my friends that I have done everything I possibly could to save my marriage.


But that only makes you feel a little bit better. It's hard not to feel like an utter failure when your marriage dies after only a year. But counseling has helped me to pull back, and look at the entirety of the relationship - at the 10,000 foot level so to speak. And what I'm seeing is a lot of struggle. Bear said (rather, he shouted at me) that "Life is a struggle, and so are relationships," but I don't really think that they should be all struggle all the time. And that's what the majority of our relationship has felt like to me - one big struggle. I'm tired of struggling.

Yes, this! This is how I feel love should be.

I'm currently in a state of mourning for my relationship. I've been crying a fair bit, but it's a different kind of crying than the past several months. It's a letting-go kind of crying, rather than a frustrated-at-the-end-of-my-rope kind of crying. I feel a shift happening deep inside of me as I listen to my authentic voice each day. I have made this choice. It wasn't easy. But I do know in my bones and in my heart that this is the right choice for us both. Even if Bear can't see it now, I hope he will one day.

We will likely go see a couples counselor now to help us sort out lingering issues between us, and to help our separation transition go more smoothly. I don't hate Bear, and I don't want us to hurt each other any more. I sincerely wish him peace in his heart and love in his life. I don't know if we'll continue to be in each other's lives given that this is not what he wants, but I truly wish the following for the two of us humans who did their best to make it work: 

Rolling thoughts

It's been awhile since I posted anything of a personal nature on this blog. The main reason has been that I have been living some pretty intense experiences in my polyamorous life. I wasn't willing to write or post anything about what I'm going through while I was in the middle of it because I don't often like to publish information about my life that's half-baked, so to speak. It can also be a hard balance, to write about polyamory but try to not overshare and accidently hurt one of my partners' feelings. But it does happen. I try to be sensitive towards my different partners, but at the same time - this is my blog, and it's really healthy for me to express what's going on; and it's potentially helpful for others to read about my experiences as relatable, so I'm going to share some stuff now that's been rolling around in my head for the past while.

A silly rendering of what I imagine their PCT days are like...

About a month ago now, two of my partners, Birdfriend and Yak, left to go hike the Pacific Crest Trail (or PCT here on out). It's been a bewildering time for me to adjust to two of my favourite humans gone from my immediate surroundings. Folks that I would spend a few evenings/days a week with are gone - I cannot see, touch, smell, or hear them. To say that my social life has been utterly re-arranged would be putting things a bit mildly... I have been reaching out to ensure that my schedule stays full so that I don't get lonely. I still have some opportunities to chat with both of them, but now on a weekly basis instead of a daily one. Birdfriend has a cell phone that allows them to text from the wilderness, but service is spotty. Such is technology in the bush. However, this access to Birdfriend is something I cherish and am so grateful for them for arranging this in advance of this hike. But it doesn't make up for sharing space in real time together. I miss our weekly get-together where we connect deeply and get to cuddle or play. Yak has no phone access while on the trail at all, which I'm finding challenging but I'm trying to adapt to this limitation. About once a week, I get to have internet-assisted conversation with Yak. It helps to be able to see her face/hear her voice when video calls are possible. But it doesn't make up for the physical aspect of our relationship - I miss our hugs, cuddles, sleepovers. I ache for her in a very visceral way. I miss these two creatures very deeply. It's really hard to be without them but I am so, so very proud of these two for dreaming big and then making that dream a reality. It's inspiring!

Graphic depicting what my mental preparation was like...

While the two were getting ready to leave for this six month PCT adventure, I spent that time mentally preparing myself for two of my dearest loves to be away from me. I wrote out a list of items that I want to focus on in my life while they are away. I shared my fears, concerns, and wishes with both of them and with others so that I would be well supported in their absence. And, I prioritized spending as much time with Birdfriend and Yak as possible before they left. This caused some tension with my other relationships (including friendships) as I had to tell people that I was all booked up until the middle of April. I don't like telling people that I don't have space for them, but it happened. If you are one of my friends who has heard this from me, I apologize and would like to find time to get together again!

Quote reads, "How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard." Very true for me!

The day that Birdfriend and Yak left, I cried so much. I cried off and on for an entire day - it's not an exaggeration. I felt that I had to apologize for my avalanche of tears to the two, but they told me that it was normal for me to be teary-eyed. I felt like a blathering, snotty-nosed idiot. It was a day of extremes - Birdfriend and Yak were riding on a freedom high, and I was riding a current so low that I was worried the wave would never break. I was exhausted after that day. It felt strange feeling a maelstrom of emotions as they went through the security gate at the airport. I yelled to Yak that I loved her, and I turned and broke down into sobs. I felt so much love, promise, and joy, and at the same time, sadness, worry, and grief. The few days after they left I was numb.

I'm feeling a bit less numb these days, and not grieving as hard as I was when Birdfriend and Yak first left. But I miss them both so incredibly much! I feel as though parts of me are missing, and I feel strange inside... I don't know if I'll get to visit them at Crater Lake in Oregon like I originally wanted. I may have to just wait until the end of September when they have completed their hike. Sigh.

Thoughts clashing...

I haven't been writing much about my relationship with Bear lately. This is for complicated reasons, but suffice to say that it's been a very challenging first year of marriage. We've moved in together, had some plumbing/renovation hell, and got a cat. I know that everyone says that the first year is the hardest, but wow. I know that I can be a difficult person to be with sometimes, I have flaws and can act in hurtful ways at time when I am distracted, drunk, or both. I did some things last year that hurt my relationship with Bear, and unfortunately, the consequences of those actions are still causing tension in our relationship. Bear and I have been fighting a lot lately. We haven't been very happy with each other, and for valid reasons on both sides. I've been doing some really deep diving into myself to understand my feelings, to communicate them to Bear, and to find a path forward. The last two items are the hardest, as I find that what I communicate doesn't always get fully understood, and I can't control how Bear will react. 

Basically, there are two main issues: ideological and behavioural. Ideologically, we are mismatched in that Bear's a lot more focused on primary/couple-centred experience of polyamory and I'm more solo-poly in my approach. Bear is my primary in that we have merged the infrastructure of  our lives together but he needs to be put first always...and I sometimes have a hard time doing that because I don't believe in hierarchy as much as I used to when I first got involved with polyamory. I think I'm ok with descriptive hierarchy rather than prescriptive hierarchy. That is, it describes my relationships but it doesn't prescribe what happens in those relationships.

From this Bustle web article

I'm not sure if we can find a middle ground on our poly ideology, but I hope with the help of an empathetic counsellor, we can find/create one. I don't think that our ideologies are necessarily incompatible, and I really think there is some common ground there.

Now behaviour...the biggest thing I am noticing is how different our natural cycles are now that we've cohabitated for more than six months. I'm a morning person, Bear isn't. I'm neat and tidy, Bear makes a mess everywhere and doesn't consistently clean up after himself. I'm social, and have many friends and activities outside the home, Bear doesn't. I try to eat pretty healthy most of the time, but Bear is happy with Kraft Singles cheese and doesn't eat vegetables or fruit unless prompted. I limit myself to a maximum of two hours of TV/Netflix a day, but Bear is addicted and watches many hours of TV every day. I like to make goals for my year and try to plan a few things out, Bear doesn't seem to do this at all. And as a planner type person, I really need this in a relationship.

Quote from Chuck & Ann Bentley. The focus of this quote is monetary, but I believe it applies to other goals for couples.

You see what I'm getting at. We are not compatible on a behavioural level. It's kind of driving me a bit nuts. Our relationship actually felt better to me when we lived apart because I wasn't confronted with these behaviours on a daily basis. I didn't know how Bear lived as a bachelor as I was rarely invited to his place and thought that he would be more social when we lived together. But that hasn't been my experience so far. And it's very stressful. I feel unfulfilled when I'm at home and it's making me very unhappy. I am willing to try to work with Bear to find a way of being that is more compatible, but I wonder about how attached he is to these old patterns, and if he's willing to do the work to change those habits. I've been asking for months to go for walks with him, go to the gym down the hall from our place, do more activities together but he always says no. It feels limiting to say the least. I sometimes feel like an asshole that I'm not happy with what I have - a sweet Bear of a man who works really hard, and does love me. But it's my truth. And it sucks.

I really love Bear and I hope that we can get on the same page again soon. I hope that with couples counselling, and more open sharing that we can rekindle our flame and find a way forward that is uniquely ours. This is my intention and my hope. I hope that he considers how his behaviours at home can cause distance and that he works on finding a way of being that is more congruent with my way of being. Otherwise our home life is going to be a place of constant stress and not peace. And I know that ultimately, neither of us wants that for our shared den.

Big breath and a step forward....

A hairy subject

It's interesting being a self-identified Femme sometimes in Western culture. This identity of mine comes with a lot of outdated and engrained social norms about how one should look (and, act). There is so much pressure to adhere to a certain type of appearance that it becomes kinds of an all-encompassing balancing act to look flawless while also killing it at one's career and managing relationships. The idea of the feminine as beautiful, clear-skinned, free of hair on one's face, limbs and pits, powder & pomp is ridiculous. And yet, it's the ideal that us Femmes are held against. And it's bizarrely weird and unnatural.

Femme enough for ya?

I once told my sister that I sometimes felt that my beauty routine was a constant battle against "unwanted" body hair. She agreed heartily and said that she spent so much time on body hair removal that it was insane. Being biologically half (hairy) Dutch, I am cursed with hairy arms, legs, eyebrows (that keep growing in despite plucking since the age of 15), and have several wiry black chin hairs making my life difficult. I have been removing hair from my legs since I was about 12 years old. That's when other girls in my elementary school began to take stock of our hormonally changing bodies and began to compare ourselves against each others flaws. It was shit. I remember how many times I seemed to nick my legs in those early years - I still have a few scars from those days. I bleached my arm hair a few times before the bleaching made my skin super dry and itchy.

The cartoon reads: Beauty, slightly mutilating the natural state of your body in order to be deemed acceptable.

It's not really surprising that Femme women feel pressured to shave. The cosmetic industry has been after our hard earned cash ever since the 1920's and before that, there was a pervasive negative attitude towards "hairy women." In fact, social Darwinism is a bit to blame here. During the latter part of the Victorian era, people believed that

"body hair could show the genetic superiority—or inferiority—of a person. As Herzig writes, 19th-century scientists thought that thick hair was “linked to criminal violence … and exceptional ‘animal vigor.'” Suddenly, hairlessness was en vogue for Western women. And that's about the time advertisers got involved."

quote taken from this very informative article.

Nowadays, Femmes are still pressured to be hairless to be accepted by society. Something that masculine folks don't really have to worry about (unless you are a certain type of gay boy being pressured to shave your chest or something). In fact, I worry more about how straight women react to my leg hair than men or queer folks. I know that the next time I go to get a pedicure, the nail salon ladies will be talking about my leg hair in their language so as to not insult me directly to my face. Femmes (especially women) subject one another to the most rigorous scrutiny when it comes to appearance. It's toxic, and shitty, and needs to just stop already.

To make things even more troublesome, Femmes are expected to be hairless in order to be considered desirable or even date-worthy by (mostly) men. Check out this rather sad visual statistic:

"Shave the date"? go to hell! I tried to relocate the link to this survey and failed. D'oh!

For those readers who can't make out the stats in the graphic above, a bunch of dudes between the ages of 18-22 were surveyed about dating a women who didn't shave her legs. 75% said a flat-out NO, while only 10% were totally down with it, and 15% undecided. I'm going to assume that this sample of dudes were all straight guys from Western culture. It would be interesting to see the same survey done with men aged 40-45...

The double-standard with regards to men's body hair (and legs in particular) is deplorable. Men don't have to worry about their legs being too hairy for a woman to take interest in them (that doesn't mean these men don't exist though). I have yet to meet a guy who was rushing home to shave his legs, armpits, trim the bush, and pluck his eyebrows and chin hairs to be considered attractive for his date that evening. And yet, women do this ALL THE TIME. Including when they are heavily pregnant and can no longer see their leg or pubic hair!

Usually, I will have my legs waxed about once a month during the summer months (May - September) so I can enjoy wearing skirts, dresses, or shorts without the bother of shaving. In previous years, I have also waxed every couple of months in the winter time to keep my leg hair "manageable." This year though, I have been growing it straight since the end of September (or thereabouts). As a result, my leg hair currently looks like this:

Foxy legs, photo by Yak. Legs look hairier in natural light for some reason.

Of my three relationships, the only one where my leg hair seems to be an issue is with Bear. I think that this has much and more to do with the way he was socialized as a white, cis-het male. While he says that hairless legs is a preference for him, the way he's been acting towards my hairy legs has been a bit strange. It's clear that hair legs really bothers the Bear for some reason.... On the other hand, both Birdfriend and Yak adore my leg hair. In fact, Yak is actually jealous of how thick and luxurious my leg hair is compared to her own! I think that these vastly differing viewpoints about body hair have to do with how the queer community has embraced physical diversity amongst its members, especially in recent years. Body positivity for the win!

This Carol Rossetti cartoon floated around the internet last year. It was the first time I ever saw a cartoon (or any depiction) of a Femme-identified person with hairy legs and a positive message.

There is also the issue of my chronic pain and financial wellbeing when it comes to removing my leg hair. Chronic pain makes shaving legs a fucking pain! One has to bend this way and that, potentially aggravating injuries in the process. And then there's the nicks and cuts and tiny wounds that bleed for what seems like forever. Thus, I switched to paying a professional to remove my leg hair. But to do a full set of legs every 3 weeks is about $30 at a minimum. If I were to keep that up for the entire year, I would spend around $520 before tax and tip. Just to remove hair! Many women pay much much more than that for hair removal (I'm looking at you laser hair removal industry) to be perceived as desirable. Clearly, our society needs to grow up and realize what Eve Ensler wrote in the Vagina Monologues (even though it's about pubic hair and not other body hair, it holds):

...hair is there for a reason...

Checking in

It's been a little while since I last published a blog post. I have been writing blog content over the past few weeks, but none of it is quite ready to share with the world yet. I figured that I should probably do a check-in so that my readers don't think that my blog is dead. It isn't! I just have been tackling big topics and the posts are taking longer to write and edit.

I'm happy to say that with a small increase in my SSRI dose, I'm feeling much better this winter. I also got a Verilux Happy Light for my desk at work, and that's really been making a difference as well when it gets dark around 3pm. I'm trying to go outside, and to watch funny Netflix shows instead of dark heavy dramas that drag my mood down. To say nothing of sad song avoidance on the radio/in my headphones! I'm doing all that I can to stay buoyant during these dark months.

Queer poly stockings hung from the fire with care...

The holidays were a very busy time for this Fox. I spent a good chunk of time getting the shared den in order with Bear as we hosted our housewarming just before Christmas. It's still coming along, and we are still navigating cohabitation now that the stressful disruption from the flood and associated repairs have finally been completed. There's some growing pains there, especially around communication as I'm the extraverted one with many weekly social obligations, and he's the homebody bear who likes to chill after a 12-15 hour workday in front of TV.  We are developing a way to keep in touch that has nothing to do with Google Calendar. I'm hoping that it will help us stay connected even when we are both busy.

Being poly can be challenging around the winter holidays as everyone wants to be with you, and you want to be with everyone but it's gotta be balanced. There were a few article/blog posts floating around Facebookland with ideas about how to successfully navigate the holidays for poly folks. I found that having a few polycule-based gatherings (my housewarming, a play party, NYE) kept things quite balanced between my three people, plus specific dates with each of them one-on-one. Lots of cuddling this winter for this fox, I'm happy to report!

I need WAY more candles that this to be accurate about my age. 

Last week as also my birthday! Another trip completed around our sun. As usual, my birthday tends to make me rather introspective. Given it's proximity to New Years, it stands to reason that I've been thinking a fair bit about "resolutions." I'm trying to avoid making any resolutions though as I (like so many other folks) don't manage to actually complete their resolutions. So I'm thinking about my goals for 2018 instead. Thoughts are still coalescing there, and I must be honest and share that I feel a bit lost after last year's big achievements - the wedding and the move with Bear, and NZ trip with Birdfriend. I'm having this "what's next?" moment in my head these days. Especially as I'm unsure whether or not a honeymoon will be in the cards this year. But goal-orientated thoughts are buzzing around in my skull these days. I'll write some intentions down later this week.

The PCT (hiked from South to North). EPIC hiking ahead for a Birdfriend and Yak ahead!

This feeling of needing to figure out my goals for this year is intensifying as both Birdfriend and Yak will be leaving in a few months to hike the Pacific Crest Trail (or PCT) for about 5.5 months. I would say that I'm feeling bereft and worried about my mental/emotional health while they are away. But I'm also very proud and excited for them both as well. It will be challenging though as it's a major loss for me - two of my three partners leaving. And I have concerns about maintaining good communication, especially with Yak given that we haven't "figured out what we are doing with our relationship" while she's away. With Birdfriend, we have made the commitment to stay in touch about every 5-7 days (as technology allows) etc. But Yak and I have made no such arrangements. And I don't even know whether she wants to continue our relationship while she's away/when she comes back. I guess this is one way of me asking her. And I suppose I've been feeling a little timid about bringing it up because in many ways, because our relationship wasn't supposed to be a big "thing" for either of us. 

A wee graphic made by yours truly.

But it has developed into something very precious to me - a beautiful, nurturing, spiritual connection that allows both Yak and I to be fully ourselves when we are together. It feels like poetry, symphony, and cosmically romantic. Sounds perhaps a little NREish still, but it feels much deeper than a year ago when we were high on NRE. We both feel that we are growing as individuals, and together. It's a beautiful relationship that we've created. And I would like to keep creating it and growing within it. It feels a little like this:

Chakras glowing bright.

I hope that we can find a way forward while Yak is away to keep our relationship strong and growing. It is my intention to stay connected with Yak while she's off being a free-range creature. I know from my own experiences being away from Bear & Birdfriend three years ago that maintaining relationships over distances is VERY rewarding. And often, discussions that you may not have with the person while they are physically here can often happen more easily if they are away. And then you both learn even more about the person you are with, and often grow closer as a result. It certainly felt that way between Bear & I when I returned from my travels about three years ago. So I will put my faith in the fact that Yak and I care deeply about one another and are able to create a path forward that works for us. And I will continue to take actions to make my intentions reality. And so it is....