It's time. I'm breaking my silence. It's been many months since I sat down and put my thoughts and feelings out into the world. The need to cloister myself away from society this year has brought me some new perspectives on life and love. Perspectives that are still crystallizing as I type this blog. I'm a person that tends to learn things about myself as I say them out loud. The act of writing allows me to get really clear about my thoughts, but it is a snapshot in time of my mood as well. And this past year, my mood has been really low. I have therefore, not wanted to project that mood all over the internet and this blog. I didn't want to perpetuate negative thought patterns online - my head was a mess and I didn't feel like it was a good idea to give my readers a window into my tortured soul. There is only so much one can share and have it be helpful and healthy.
Thus, I stayed away from many social events, certain people, and avoided writing down what was happening in my head. The only exception to this was my counseling "journal," a book that I jot down important pearls of wisdom gleaned from my sessions. At certain times in the past year when I got lost in my spiraling thoughts, I would flip open the journal and read about what strategies and underlying needs I discovered with my counselor that then helped me pull myself out of that spiral. I wasn't really wanting to share my whole story with anyone except for Birdfriend. But even there, I had to tread lightly at times...since they are still close to the Yak. I don't want to poison this important relationship with my remaining partner because of their continued association with her. It's challenging to have to bottle up some feelings, but I'm trying to be respectful of Birdfriend's friendship. There are days when I wish that I wasn't still socially close to the Yak via proxy, but what can I do? It's been uncomfortable to have to constantly move in a wilder arc so as to avoid her, but it's necessary for my own feelings of emotional safety and for keeping my relationship with Birdfriend healthy.
2019 was also a year that I had forge new friendships because so many of my old ones were still entangled with the Yak. It was hard to try and open myself up to new folks because I felt like such a wreck of a person. I was afraid of being judged for my current state of being - and that fear was justified because some of my long-term "friends" were especially critical of the way I was expressing my grief over what happened both with my marriage dissolving, and my relationship with Yak ending so traumatically. Being judged kept me from writing this blog as well. It's hard to put yourself out there, really out there. And I've had folks tell me how brave I am to share my story. But I've also had folks criticize my openness, for writing about events that involve other people. It's a fine line, this online writing thing. I'm committed to writing as honestly as I possibly can, but it may mean that other's feelings may be affected from time to time. It is not my intention to ever hurt another person, or to cause a sense of backlash that results in someone being "cancelled." I'm simply trying to tell my story because I know that in telling it, I have helped both myself and others understand this thing called the human condition.
The end result of all this reflection over many months is that I have become much more cautious in my approach to people. I'm careful of who I say what to now, not in a censorship way, but in a way to ensure my maximum level of emotional safety. I have learned from the past year what I do not want in relationship: I don't want to be with someone who's not committed to unlearning the shit that society has placed upon them (internalized homophobia is so damaging); I don't want to be with someone who de-legitimizes my way of living; I don't want to be with someone who cannot take care of their own affairs (hello emotional labour!); I don't want to be with a person who is afraid of their darkness; I don't want someone who projects their trauma from the past onto me in the present; and I really don't want someone who is going to take me for granted. Because honestly, both Bear and Yak did.
The flip-side to all of that is that I've also learned how to not take others for granted. It's why I've been telling Birdfriend and members of my queer family how much they mean to me. And trying to show up for them as well. Which is finally a possibility for me as my capacity to care for others was greatly diminished during my intense grieving this past year. I've learned to do very important healing work on my inner child and to understand why certain things keep coming up for me in my personal relationships. That work continues to this day, and likely will for some time to come. I've also learned to not allow myself to be seduced by my darkness. I can witness the suicidal thoughts in my head without becoming ensnared in the self-destructive desires that often are elicited by those thoughts. That's been really important - learning not to abandon myself to the negativity that wells up from the depths of my subconscious. It's also really fucking hard work. Some days it's all I can do to get myself up and out of bed, and get to work to be "productive." But I'm doing it. I'm still getting up.
In the past couple of months, I've even started dating again - but in a very casual fashion. I'm really gun-shy about polyamory now after how the Yak made me feel so invalidated about me being polyam. I'm very careful with my feelings - I am determined not to get swept up in NRE nor to escalate anything with any of the people that I'm seeing right now. At the same time, I know that I'm actually protecting myself from falling in love again. The best way I can describe it is like this, I experienced what it was to feel totally in sync with someone - physically, emotionally, spiritually. It was incredible. But then it ended very abruptly and my heart and mind were shattered. I'm afraid of opening up again because I'm afraid of getting shattered by heartbreak. I know that eventually I will find my courage to love again, but I'm not in any hurry to do so.
Huh, there really is a word for everything! 😄
There's much to be done in the coming months... I need to begin my divorce proceedings so that Bear and I can move forward with our lives. I've slowly managed to make peace in my mind around the ending of my marriage. I'm still very sad about it, don't mistake me. It's just that I realized how unhealthy the relationship was for both of us, especially near and during the end. I really just wish Bear a good life, with health and happiness - as he defines it. I still miss him very much. There will never be another Bear for me, not like him. And I will always love him in some capacity. I know that we don't need to be friends going forward. In fact, I think it would be healthier if we weren't friends. But I do wish him well. It feels good to let him go with grace now.
Every day I'm learning. Which is why I look so tired all the time. But it's good stuff. I can feel myself growing. The old shell of me is almost gone - I feel like a different person some days. And while I still have hard days where my Seasonal Affective Disorder is kicking my ass, my thoughts are challenging the darkness and trying to find ways to let the light in. One day at a time.
Many years ago, I was best friends with an outgoing, charismatic gay man named Hunter. We are no longer friends, but I mention him because we used to play this esoteric board-game called the Transformation Game. You start the game with an intention and then roll to be "born." Once born, you travel on your own life path on the board (no one shares the same life path) and you work on the intention you set at the beginning of the game. You work through physical, emotional, mental, and finally spiritual levels to gain awareness and insight into your intention. It's a really cool game, and I've learned lots from it. I haven't played in several years, but recently the game keeps coming into my head because of a feeling that I've been experiencing a lot in the past eight+ months. One of the squares you can land on in the game is called the "Life Depression Square" and you gain four tokens of pain, which slow you down. Only a roll of 5 or 6 can make you move. Otherwise, you just stay stuck in depression. This feeling of stuck in depression is exactly how I've been feeling about my life lately. Like I keep rolling a 2 and get nowhere. And finally when I do get a 6, something else comes along to add more pain to my life and keep me trapped in that isolated and depressed place. A Sisyphean task, this time of transformation.
I keep making efforts to improve my life, keep trying to meet people and focus on creating new memories, and not get stuck in old traps. But unfortunately, I have been traumatized by the events of the past year and I keep getting triggered and it's hard to move forward. Trauma is a quite a beast, and my beast is rather large and especially ungainly. I have a history of trauma from my family, from sexual assaults/rape, car accidents, and bad relationships. My trauma is further compounded by grief: loss of my nephew, uncle, and father; loss of my marriage; loss of relationships/friendships recently. It's all just too much to bear sometimes. I have lost my sense of self, feel a loss of psychological/emotional safety, and my dreams...all types of grief that people don't normally talk about. And I am experiencing it all at the same time. As a result of all this trauma, my ability to "tolerate" certain things is greatly diminished. This graphic explains what I mean:
Being in a constant state of hyper-arousal is exhausting to say the least. I'm always tired these days. Physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually tired. I don't feel like I have the capacityto do the things I have normally done in the past...and people are taking note and are not sure how to navigate it. I get it, it's hard to have a friend who seems like they are constantly in a state of meltdown, but remember all that person has gone through. Do you think that you would be able to handle it any better? Know that that person is really, REALLY trying. And Bob knows, I'm trying really hard just to get through each day (sometimes one hour at a time).
Recently, a friend of mine has downgraded our friendship to an acquaintanceship...and it's mostly because of my hyper-aroused state. It felt like a judgement and it really fucking hurt me. But it's clear that I'm not going to let him back into my inner world because I don't want to be friends with someone who only wants a fair-weather friendship. It's an awful thing, being told that someone only wants to hear about the "good things happening in your life" because when you are on that Life Depression Square, you don't have a lot of good to talk about. And so you get dumped as a friend because you aren't that happy-go-lucky, upbeat weirdo anymore. More isolation ensues. Talk about piling pain on top of pain. I'm not the kind of person that only posts the most beautiful selfies, the most awesome stuff happening all the time, or my amazing plans to do X, Y, or Z on my social media. Instead, I share a pretty honest picture of myself with the world. I share my stories to make others feel less alone, less ashamed, and seen. I am this kind of a friend, and I would like my friends to be similar:
Now I turn to my latest triggering event. I recently started dating someone new....this was the first person since that traumatic breakup right before Christmas. I wasn't in a hurry to move things along, I wanted to respect my pace given where my head/heart are at. It was going well. I was getting to know her and we were figuring out things between us. Just last week, my date asked me how much information I needed to know about the other people she was seeing/having sex with. I told her that I would need to reflect on that, because of my lowered ability to "take on" too much with my trauma brain. What I didn't know at the time is that she already slept with one of my close friends, and would ask that friend out a few days later. My friend is the one who told me. This is not what ethical non-monogamy looks like. I had to end the dating situation because I'm not at a place where I have the capacity to date/fuck the same people as my friends. I'm not sure I will ever get back to that place after what happened with the Yak. When that relationship imploded, it really negatively affected our friend group - we are all friends. I simply cannot go through another situation like that whereby the larger social network is disrupted and fractures. I won't do it to me or to my friends. And I need my friends to understand this. It isn't about control. It's about safety. It may not make any sense to you, dear readers, but I no longer feel safe in these kinds of enmeshed, interconnected dating situations. And I need this boundary to be accepted, not judged or transgressed. Again, it's about my need to feel safe.
To this end, I think it's best if I give up on dating (even casually) for now. I'm just too shattered by everything I've gone through the past year. I didn't even mean to end up dating right now - I just met a really cool human and wanted to get to know her better. But this whole event has just confirmed what I was feeling inside - it's not safe for me to date right now. I need to focus on healing my heart and my mind. To that end, I've purchased a book and have begun working through the exercises to help me gain a better understanding of why I react the way I do when I'm triggered, and to develop healthy strategies to move me away from "reacting" and instead to "responding." A friend of mine posted this graphic to FB the other day, and while it says that it's for children, I think it works for adults as well. A good guide to consider when digging oneself out of a traumatic depression...
I need my friends and support network to read and understand this stuff around trauma and know that I am sincerely doing my best, but that I need help. I need help with regulating feelings of extreme isolation and hopelessness. I need to feel safe through re-connection, before trying to work on my feelings in a "rational" manner. I ask that you please cut me some slack if I seem to be cycling through this stuff. Shifting trauma is one of the hardest things a human can do. And I need your help.
I’ve been composing this blog in my head for some time now.
I know that I have previously mentioned my chronic pain in other posts, but
I’ve never just sat down and devoted an entire post (or almost) to this topic.
And it’s a BIG topic. What I’m going to focus on here is how I have experienced
ableism in my life since becoming injured and dealing with chronic pain and its
associated mental health challenges.
Depiction of what chronic pain can feel like
Just over nine years ago, I experienced two car accidents,
followed by a bicycle accident 15 months later. The bicycle accident
compounded my earlier injuries and set me wayyy back (makes sense given car vs. human). I had to change the way I accomplished
most daily tasks, including sitting in a chair and brushing my teeth! It’s been a long road of
recovery, and it’s unlikely that I’ll ever fully recover from these injuries and the pain they continue to cause.
That’s a hard fact that I’ve had to come to terms with over the past several years. It’s a very hard truism to accept though, and at times, my brain
wants to protest my body’s reality. But it’s better that I face the pain and
try to work with it, than complain about how unfair it is to be chronically in
pain. However, chronic pain is not only physically debilitating, it's mentally and emotionally debilitating as well. Physical wellness impacts other aspects of wellness, and vice versa. Since living with chronic pain, my depression has deepened, and my anxiety has grown...these challenges have further been compounded by the last five years of grief caused by the loss of my nephew, uncle, and father, and now the ending of two of my long term relationships (LTRs).
I experience ableism in my life on a regular basis. It is
beyond frustrating! I experience it on transit, in event venues, at work with
friends, family, and yes, even partners. I’ve experienced internal ableism as
well, which is such a hard place to be in my head. Which is basically when you need to prove that you are sick/disabled when you don't need to prove anything to anyone. I especially get tripped up around “being
broken” and “needing fixing.” These thoughts are so detrimental to my
well-being, and they insidiously peep their ugly heads up from time to time as I’m
going about my life. Again, I try to acknowledge that these thoughts exist but know that they don’t need to hold the power of my narrative in their metaphysical hands.
When I was first injured, I had no concept of how much my life
would change. My life changed on personal, professional, and social levels.
Everything was impacted by my limitations – physically I hurt so much; mentally, I was not ready to cope with ongoing pain
and became frustrated with my experience; emotionally, I felt as though things
would never improve and that lead to a more intense depression that I had
previously felt; spiritually, I was devastated. I was looking at my life and
realized that there are some things that I could no longer engage in doing. My
life, as I knew it, was over.
Chronic Pain has lots of effects across all parts of life. I've experienced pretty much ALL of these impacts.
During this time, I had very limited support. I really was on my own. My family was not helpful
or supportive during this time. I asked for help in the form of driving,
getting groceries, cooking etc. My family said no. My best friend at the time said no. It was so very isolating to feel myself in so much pain and that the people who were supposed to be there for me wouldn't help me! This was the first time that I really experienced ableism
from the people closest to me. My best friend and family couldn’t understand what I
was going through, and they didn’t even really try. I spent the next several
years educating my family about why I
could no longer do things. It was exhausting. With my deepening depression around my chronic pain, I began the process of isolating myself while the outside world began to feel inaccessible to me.
Here's some examples of ableism. I've heard about half of these (or more). Please STOP staying shit like this to people.
Over time, I discovered that I was being invited to less and less outings or able-bodied adventures by my friends (and even my partners). This started to really cause mental anguish as I used to be someone who lived to go into the mountains often for hikes and whatnot. And now, I can only go when I'm not in too much pain, it's not too grueling, and is less than four hours duration (sometimes even less). Outdoor recreation isn't accessible to many folks who have physical limitations. Because it's hard to predict when my good days are, my friends and partners have told me that they find activity-based invites difficult to navigate because they still want to do activities but don't want to depend on me/have to cancel the whole plan to go into the great outdoors. Thus, I am either not invited at all to activities, or I'm only invited when there's a big group and with the understanding that if I don't attend, it won't cancel/ruin the entire outing for everyone else. I can't express how isolated, frustrated, and limited I feel by my pain. Or how emotionally painful it is to be left out of activities just because others "don't know how to deal with my high pain days." You know what? Sometimes even I don't know how to "deal with" my high pain days. I am so exhausted by pain, fatigue, and ongoing mental effort to explain my condition and pain to others. It feels exclusionary to be consciously left out of an invite for an activity by my close friends because they don't know a) if I can do the thing, or b) if I will be too much pain to do the thing. My friends still want to do the things. I still want them to do them too. And I badly want to be included in activities with them, especially when they know how much those activities mean to me. But it's hard to find a balance, or a way forward.
I started saying out loud how I need to branch out and make more friends who have have a similar level of ability. I have a few of these friends in my knitting circle etc., but I want to expand my circles as many folks seems rather caught up in their own adulting world, and I want to find new outdoor group spaces that won't have the Yak etc in them. Recently, I've joined the Fat Girls Hiking group as they are a more inclusive community that works with people of various body types and abilities to get them outside and enjoying nature without having to deal with toxic masculinity of some of the outdoor dude-bro culture that exists. While I don't identify as "fat," I'm completely at home with their ethos of inclusion. I've only gone on one chill hike with the group, but I hope to join them for more activities. Here's a great little video by the group regarding making outdoor spaces accessible:
I'm also planning on joining the local Chronic Queers support group that meets once a month in Vancouver. It will be nice to make connections with other folks who just "get it." And hopefully, it will make me feel more connected and less alone and in pain.
In my romantic relationships, I've had to deal with one of the most painfully ableist things ever said to me by my own spouse. "Fox, I just don't think that you are mentally or physically strong enough for motherhood." More than anything else, this phrase undermined my feelings for Bear over time. And it hit hard on the fear that I had years ago when I was going through the legal proceedings for my ICBC accident claims. At that time, I was very much afraid that my chronic pain would mean that I wouldn't be able to hold my babies. Then mix in the very real bullshit in society about how disabled folks shouldn't/can't be fully functioning parents, and you get the amount of anger and sadness I was feeling every time I replayed Bear's message in my head. For the folks in the back,disabled people have the RIGHT to have and raise children. With Yak, she would bring up her desire to have a partner to travel with or go hiking with and she never seemed to think that I could fit that role. Which really hurt my feelings. I can go travelling or hiking - I just need accommodations in order to do those things. But she never seemed to make finding a way forward a priority. She wasn't able (ha!) to see solutions, only problems. And those problems seemed to be with me, and being disabled. I called her out on it in a letter I sent her back in February. I hope she realizes how her ableism was really shitty for me, her partner, to experience. While both Birdfriend and Yak have had challenges trying to accommodate my disability and pain for outdoor activities, only Birdfriend actually has tried to work with me to find ways to include me. And this is crucial for folks of diverse ability. You cannot seek to create a more inclusive space without including disabled folks in the planning of those spaces/activities. Or to put it in graphic form:
It reads: "Nothing about us/without us/is for us"
Now that I'm "singlish" again, I'm going to eventually get myself back into the dating pool, I'm dealing with a lot of anxiety around having to "come out" as someone with chronic pain and physical limitations. At what point do I tell people about it? Do I make it a part of my dating profile description? How much is too much info (e.g. what level of detail won't make potential partners run away?) This past weekend, I attended Converge Con in Vancouver, and Birdfriend and I went to a session called "Crip the Bedroom" and it was so validating to hear about the experiences of other queer disabled folx when it came to dating and relationships. I started crying during the panel discussion - I realized how isolated I was and how badly I needed connection with other folx who live a chronically ill/pained life. One of the statements that was made was how having a (often visible) disability makes you seem less desirable to people who may otherwise want to date you. This is something that I am concerned about, given the ableist inputs from my past partners. I worry that potential partners may see me, my pain, my grief/trauma, and be like, NOPE! It's hard not to feel like you are "too much" when past partners have made you feel that way. Another point of discussion was how able bodied people read disabled people as sexless/genderless...no longer desireable or fuck-able as able-bodied folks wonder if we can "have sex." As if that was the only question to ask someone! This gets compounded by society over time to the point where sexual education or health care is practically non-existent for disabled folks. Here's a local news article about it. This ableism has real health impacts! And yet, most able-bodied folks never give a second thought to it because it wasn't their (implied normal) experience. I've come across some fantastic writing about dating while disabled, check out this link about Ableism and Dating. It's pure gold! As is this YouTube video:
I suppose that the battle against ableism is going to rage on for some time to come. I just need to ensure that I do the internal work, that I don't allow myself to get steamrolled by societal garbage around disability and being desirable. My chronic pain doesn't define me, while it affects all aspects of my life, it is not ME. It is simply a part of my existence that must be accommodated. Like having poor eyesight and needing glasses (yes, I wear those too), it's just a part of me. And this thing, this chronic pain that is apart of me? I need to realize that I'm not alone in it - approximately 1 in 5 people in North America lives with pain. Since it's so ubiquitous, I suggest a cultural shift is required. Including for us folks with chronic conditions. I'm going to end this blog with one final graphic because I love it sooooooo much:
I need to be honest...I have some major anxiety about sharing this post. Mostly, because the event that I'm going to share and the person it involves is someone well integrated into my friend group. So to our shared friends, please remember that I always try to write from a place of truth and that this is my side of the story. Also, being this person's partner is a vastly different experience than being their friend. It's also hard because I still love this person, and it's almost as if the act of writing about what happened two weeks ago makes it more real. But I also acknowledge that it's time to release this "story" from my head. To try, if at all possible, to make sense of what happened.
At the end of November, Yak and I began to have a number of challenging discussions about our relationship. Her birthday was coming up, a time of year that I know is difficult for her head-space, a time that she usually would rather be travelling alone than be the centre of attention at a party. I did my best to make her birthday party a fun, friendly, and non-pressuring type of event. She had a great time. The discussions that came in the weeks afterwards were centered around what our relationship was supposed to be, what it could be. We've been together for about two and a half years and things have shifted in both of our lives - there was more time to explore our connection's possibilities. Or at least, that's what I thought.
Which each weekly discussion, I felt that we were becoming closer. She was sharing her fears around our relationship, and I tried my best to reassure her, because I too struggle with fear from time to time in relationships; but I try to acknowledge the fear and then, let it go. After each discussion, she said (verbatim), "Wow, I feel so much better after talking to you. I feel much closer to you, like we have become more intimate." I felt the same! And then, it became clear that while I was reassuring her in these discussions, she wasn't providing me with the same kind of support. I pointed it out in the third discussion, that she wasn't letting me in. That she wasn't reassuring me about these difficult fears that we were discussing. In that moment, she realized that she was keeping me on the outs, and told me that she understood how much I needed her to try to let me in. During the next discussion, I told her that if she couldn't let me in, that I wouldn't be able to stay in the relationship. She understood and explained a fear of not being able to, but then emphatically made an agreement with me to work on our relationship. To not let fear rule what happens in our connection. That she would try to work on things with her counselor, and I with mine, and that we both didn't want the relationship to end. Like, really didn't want it to end. Holding each other, crying, hoping and wanting to stay together. It was actually a really beautiful moment. She told me that I was such an amazing partner. It made me feel a lot more stable and confident in our connection.
Yes, relationships take work and communication but I felt like we were on the right path to working towards something really great!
I shared the gist of these conversations with Birdfriend, and they seemed pleased that Yak and I were becoming even closer. They felt that I was doing a really good job of navigating through difficult conversations with someone with anxiety and without my depression getting in the way. I felt so too. I wasn't projecting what I wanted from relationships onto her, nor was I trying to pressure Yak into being a certain way, pigeonholed into a certain kind of relationship. I was really proud of that actually.
The Wednesday in the second week of December, I invited the Yak over. I texted beforehand that I needed a break from the heavy conversations and to focus on having a nice date together. We did! We went out for dinner, made cookies, and then made really fantastically beautiful love. She slept over and although I didn't have the greatest sleep, it was really nice to see her when I opened my eyes. It was such a nice date, that what happened only five days later was completely a shock to me, right to my very core. To cut to the chase - I got dumped by Yak. She wanted a goodnight phone call on the Sunday night after our date, and somehow the conversation steered itself in a negative direction to the point that I had to just stop and ask her, "Are you breaking up with me??!" and her answer was simply "Yes."
(insert brain exploding sound here)
I felt as though she had turned tail and kicked me with her two back hooves, one squarely in my heart and the other squarely in my guts before running as far and as fast from me as she could. It hurt me so much, blindsided me to the point that I think I started to rant and rave. I know I hung up on her and had a hard cry before calling her back. I honestly don't remember much of the conversation after that point. All I know is that I was violently, uncontrollably shaking and felt nauseated. I had to reach out for immediate support among my friends (thank you Tabby and Birdfriend!) I was furious at her for ending our relationship so abruptly after all those discussions, and on the PHONE?! I felt and still feel really disrespected by her. I was her partner. And she just chucked me away!
How I'm feeling at the moment. Very apropos given that Yak is a Sagittarius, the archer.
The past two weeks I've been a physical, mental, and emotional mess. And my spirit hurts, there's no other way to describe this feeling inside of me. I don't think I've ever had a partner turn their back on me so quickly like Yak has done. I know that what happened is more a reflection on her mental and emotional state than on me. But I'm so fucking disappointed that this person that I've invested a lot into personally just couldn't be there for me, just couldn't do the work that it takes to be in a long term dynamic relationship, even though she "really wanted it to work."
Here's the thing though, Yak has been telling herself for a long time that our relationship just "won't work out" because 'poly always fails' or she's not really poly (and for the record, I was totally OK with that!) or some other reason that she didn't know how to express. It was a bit like watching this over and over for the past 10 months:
It's hard watching the person you love be incapable of getting out of their own way. I acknowledged that it was painful for her, but that other than supporting her and being fully present with her there was nothing I could really do. That internal work was her own. Things only really shifted the week before she left for the PCT. She told me three days before she left that she was finally open to what our connection could be. And then she left for 5.5 months on that hike. We corresponded and spoke weekly on the phone, and marveled at how our connection kept growing, even from afar. When she returned we had a of month of NRE-reprised, and then things got weird after Halloween...pretty much right after I told her how excited I was to explore my relationship with her. It bothered me that she was allowed to feel excited about us but I wasn't. And then, slowly, she began pulling away, and then her premenstrual dysphoric disorder kicked in, and then those conversations started happening. And then, the rest, as they say, is history.
But I tried to not let it become history...I tried one last time to talk reason with the Yak. To bring up how we've become closer through conversation, even repeating her very words back to her. But she was as immovable as a solid steel door frozen shut in January. Nothing was getting through to her. She didn't seem to care or want to hear anything I had to say. It was more painful than I care to remember. She was just so, so cold. So final in her decision and absolutely no rationale given other than "I just don't think it's going to work." That same old mantra of hers. I tried to be the partner I usually am, holding up a mirror to reflect back what I see but she just shut me down. I asked her if she no longer loved me and she said, "Yes, I still love you." Other than a wimpy, half-whispered apology, that was all I got. And so, I got angry with her. It's the only thing I'm not really proud of in the whole relationship. I was just so unbelievably frustrated with how she was being totally uncooperative, uncommunicative, and wasn't even kind to me, her soon-to-be-ex-partner. It was one of the worst breakups I've ever experienced, and considering what I went through with Bear, that really is saying something..................
I've spent the past two weeks crying, processing, and trying to make sense of how this amazingly dynamic, expansive, sexy, and spiritually beautiful connection died in the space of a few short weeks. My head simply cannot make sense of this other than to try and piece together what I know about Yak, her past, her personality, and mental states. It doesn't make sense no matter how I look at it. How does a person go from making an enthusiastic agreement about our partnership and then only 10 days later decide to dramatically end that relationship??? There is no logic (as far as I can see) in her actions. Her words and actions did not align, she wasn't walking her talk. And I realize now that I have lost some respect for her because she didn't act with integrity in the end. Which is a rather uncomfortable feeling, but one I need to feel to help me get over her.
Being away from Vancouver this week has been helpful for me to think about it all and get some perspective. While I just don't understand how this all went downhill so quickly, I do know that Yak is a rigid person. That is something that I was able to identify about her way of thinking while I was pacing outside this morning. Bear was too. I'm coming to the realization that I don't want to be with people who are so rigid in their thinking. Confident, self-assured, and skilledin the ways of relationships and communication for sure, but flexible in their thinking. These are the kind of people that I want to seek, find, and create new relationships with going forward. I'm blessed that Birdfriend is one such person, and I think it may be why our connection has lasted so long. I believe that I am one such person. And I deserve future partners that can meet me at my level without great personal cost.
So I make myself this vow right here and now, I am going to no longer spend my precious time and energy on people who aren't ready to love me. I know that it can be difficult to figure that out with new potential partners, but I know what it will feel like, and what it will be like. And I won't settle for anything less. I deserve someone as awesome as I am. As the wife of a friend of mine said last week, "Choose better." So I plan on doing just that.
As for Yak, I want absolutely nothing to do with her for the time being. I am so disappointed in her and I need time and space to get over how I feel about her. I don't know if I can, or even want to be her friend in the future. Which is really fucking sad. If she had taken a different approach to ending things with me, I think friendship would've been quite possible. At this point, I don't feel that she actually deserves my friendship - not surprising given how taken for granted I feel by her. And that's OK. That may change many moons from now, and as I am a flexible person, I could be open to friendship in the future. But for now, it's not even a possibility. Until I receive a proper apology from the Yak, she's no longer welcome in my life. Harsh, but what's needed. And I'm all about doing what's needed.
Goodbye 2018 - you gave me double heartbreak from long-term partners that wouldn't or couldn't work with me; and I'm ready to leave you and all of that behind. Time to move forward, I cannot go back. Here I go...
In the past two weeks, my life has undergone a dramatic shift. New job, new home, new roommate, new transit route. All this newness comes in stark contrast after months of banging my head against the lack of change in my life. Persistence finally paid off and I was released from not only a really stressful situation at home, and the stress of not finding a home to live in, but also from the ennui of a job that I've been trying to actively move from for over a year. The dust is still settling as I unpack, purge old items, and orientate myself to my new life and new job.
Like a phoenix rising from the ashes, so too am I rising up out of the rubble of my former life. The paradigm by which I navigated my life by has slipped from my shoulders like a weighted cloak and people are taking notice in my (for lack of better word) aura. Folks that had no idea of what I've been going through have told me lately how good I looked. I've been "double-taking" at these compliments! Given all the hell that the past five months has put me through, it's rather nice being perceived as looking "good" or "together." I feel like I must look like death warmed up, but this feedback from others has been rather bolstering for my self-esteem. It gets even better when both of my partners say it to me as well - and they have been 💗. But it's more than just "looking" well, it's also about doing well. And I've received feedback from friends and partners and my counselor alike that I am "doing well" in my post-separation world.
I'm not sure what my new life will really look or be like yet...I just know that I have planted many seeds to ensure my future happiness. I have faith that the seeds I planted will sprout and grow into the life that I really want, a life that will be fulfilling and joyful. I sent the following comic strip to Birdfriend yesterday, and I think it illustrates beautifully what I'm experiencing around this creation process:
From 4amShower Comics
My counselor asked me in my last session if I was proud of myself and all the change I've managed to effect in my life over the course of a few short months. I suppose I am proud. But it hasn't really fully sunk in yet, all these changes. Or what they mean in the long run. However, I do feel a profound sense that I am, every day, in some small way, maneuvering myself closer to the best possible life for myself. My compass is pointed to happiness, that hard-to-define ephemeral feeling. I'm listening to my gut and my spirit very intently these days. If my gut and my spirit are in accordance whether to avoid a thing or actively go after a thing, I listen. And it's such a powerful practice. I'm letting go of all the things I thought that I wanted for my life - some of this process has been painful. But it's ultimately freeing for me.
Letting go of what I thought my life was supposed to be life has been my focus since Bear moved out at the end of October. The whole "now what?"feeling overcame me for awhile as I literally "built my life around" Bear (to quote Fleetwood Mac). Just over a year ago, my plan for this year was to get pregnant and prepare for a baby. Now all of that is moot and I must prepare myself for a different kind of gestation, emergence, and delivery. One where I must midwife myself from my old life and into my new life. I'm going to use the last few weeks of this calendar year to say goodbye and mourn those parts of myself and my previous expectations for this year. I am going to write letters that I may never send, but would rather burn. I plan on crying lots. I need to. The physical release of crying will enable me to let out the grief, the frustration, the sadness, and disappointment around all things related to the dissolution of my marriage. I am giving myself as much space to feel these feelings, knowing full well that the end of this year is an arbitrary "deadline," whilst also knowing that I will continue to process and let things go for the next year to come. Grieving and letting go take time. I would like to get to the place of forgiving my spouse but I recognize that I am not there yet. I am still too angry and upset about what happened between Bear and I. But I know eventually, I will find a way to forgive. I'm not the type of person that enjoys holding on to heartache and pain.
While I'm in this space of letting go, clearing out the old, I'm not exactly ready to make space for any new romantic relationships in my life. I've had friends ask me whether my current relationships have changed status with the change in my primary relationship and the answer is no. I'm not looking to escalate either relationship at this point, nor is escalation what I want in relationships right now. I need focus on healing from my past and from my marriage ending before I can think about stepping on an escalator with anyone. That may change in the future, and I am being intentional about making space in my head for romance next year in the Spring. When I think about dating right now though, I want to run for the hills! Especially when I think about online dating, ewwwwww!
Good grief! No thank you!!!
That said, I'm still very much enjoying my time with both Birdfriend and Yak. It's nice to give both of them a bit more attention now that I've moved and have much more space in my head, and time in my schedule, to devote to them. It's sometimes hard to believe that I've been with Birdfriend for more than six years! We plan on doing something special to commemorate the anniversary, including getting D/s theme-related tattoos. Mine will be a crow or raven on my inner lower left arm (Dominant) and Birdfriend will get a "bird band" of sorts around their right ankle (submissive) in a swirling pattern of birds-in-flight. Bird bands are used to denote ownership of actual fowl, and so this tattoo is in effect a way to show my ownership of Birdfriend in a D/s capacity. I'm looking forward to getting more ink, and to sharing this experience with Birdfriend. It will be nice to have a physical reminder of our connection that I can admire on both of our bodies. I'll post photos in a later blog.
With Yak, we have been together for almost two and a half years now. We've got a mini weekend-getaway planned in about a month for mid-January. It's good to have something planned as winter is a hard time for me (see last year's post on my S.A.D.) We will be heading to the Sunshine Coast for a few days to escape the drudgery of the rainy city and relax our muscles and rest our spirits as well. Lots of cuddles to be sure! I think it may become a bit of a January "ritual" of sorts as last January we took a similar mini weekend-getaway together. I appreciate the planning that Yak has done and I am looking forward to it!
It's nice for me to have things to look forward to after so much mental anguish and emotional pain this year. I wasn't really looking forward to much in 2018 except the return of Birdfriend and Yak from the PCT. And now that they are back, and I have moved homes and jobs, I can start to look to the future again not with fear or worry about how things will turn out, but with a sense of curiosity about the good things that might be coming my way. It's a fantastic and welcome change of scenery for my brain. I'm ready.
This past week marks three months since I informed Bear of my choice to dissolve our marriage. This past weekend, Bear moved out of our shared den. Change is upon us, and things definitely feel more real now after these past few months of arguing, non-reconciliation, tip-toeing around each other, and just trying to get by. But with this move, the internal change is now shifting into the external world, and it's stirring up all sorts of emotions in both of us.
I've been experiencing very intense grief during the past few weeks. I've been crying almost every day again, and mourning what could have been with Bear. The biggest thing that I'm grieving is the loss of a potential child that we were planning for. This year was supposed to be the year that I got pregnant. It is something that I know that I want for myself, deep down inside - to give birth to one amazing human, and to raise that being well. But it is not to be with Bear, and I'm worried that it may never be as I'm nearing the ripe old age of 38. This is causing me immense emotional and spiritual pain as a woman-identified human who has always wanted to give birth, and be a parent (two different things, I know). What hurts the most is how Bear manipulated me this past year by cutting off physical intimacy to avoid getting me getting pregnant, instead of talking about his fears around parenting etc. It feels awful to have been controlled like that from within the relationship. The pain around this "child issue" is made all the more sharper by the fact that at least four of my good friends have given birth in the last year, another is pregnant now, and my Facebook and Instagram feeds have filled up with photos of babies. I just want to throw myself on the ground and cry until there's nothing left to cry. I feel emotionally wrung-out. All that said, I am glad that I'm not dragging a small child through this painful process of separation.
I feel a bit like this centre figure - all my peers are making babies and it's just me alone in the middle...
I'm in the process of drafting a letter to Bear in my head - one that focuses on appreciation, rather than on all the "things that went wrong." I want him to know that I loved him very much, and that I haven't stopped caring for him. In fact, it will be difficult for me to stop caring about him. That I understand what I did that was unhelpful in the past, that I wanted to do and be better, and that I tried really, really hard to make our marriage work. That I totally accept that we are separating with the intent to divorce. That I'm really fucking sad that this happened to us, and that we hurt each other so badly. It's this last statement that has been looping around in my head recently.
This is one of the few metaphors that captures what I'm feeling. It feels a bit like a star going supernova - getting denser, heavier, darker, until it finally collapses inwards and explodes. That's what it feels like inside my brain these days...
Something that Bear has aimed at me during a fight the other week was "how I wanted this" separation. I need to be crystal clear here, I did not want this. I didn't want my marriage to the spouse I chose to make vows to, to implode the way it did. I did not want to hurt Bear, nor to have Bear retaliate in pain, nor for our communication to break down on both ends the way it did. I did NOT want this!!! I tried very hard to stop this from happening, but it was out of my control. I begged and pleaded for Bear to go with me to couples counselling, and he refused until I finally broke down and my heart couldn't take it anymore. He didn't realize until too late how that was the point where he should have taken action in our relationship and done the work with me. Relationships go both ways, not just one way...and I'm tired of being made out to be the bad guy in this scenario because I'm the one who ended it. We are both responsible for what happened between us. And to have a positive, civil, and fruitful relationship in future, we need to drop the blame and be fair. We can have compassion for each other in how we are hurting, but no more rehashing (and revising) the past. It is time to move forward. Even if the steps are painful and slow...
My separation with Bear is affecting my other two relationships as well. Whatever you do to one part of the polycule web, affects the entire web of connections. Last week, I went to Birdfriend's house on our usual after work hangout/date day and I more or less just collapsed myself at their kitchen table after I took off my outerwear. They looked at me and sighed, "Oh dear!" and then I gave them my current "status update" of the tough situation that is my life right now. Birdfriend has been very supportive and has been very compassionate as I share my sadness with them. They have been validating my experience and also reminding me that it's ok to be sad about the loss. Bear and I did have something special, real, and beautiful for many years. Birdfriend is able to see the entire picture, because they've been in relationship with me the entire time that I was with Bear. It is very helpful to have someone who knows "the whole story." With Yak, I've been crying a lot, sharing many thoughts and feelings, and she's been holding me, and holding space for me - which is such a gift. However, I feel like I'm a huge burden on both of my partners - and an emotionally needy one at that. I sometimes feel like pulling my energy back from both of them, to protect them from the shitshow that is me right now. I know that I've been projecting some of my anxious thoughts onto Yak, and that isn't fair. I feel like my partners must see me as a dramatic cry-baby that they don't want around them (even though I know that's just my anxious brain talking). I sometimes wonder if it would be better to just keep to myself and tell them that I'll come back to them when things have settled. Whenever that is...but that isn't really the best thing for me to do either. I tend to push people away from me when I need them the most. And I know that I need the two of them now. I'm just feeling guilty about how I am right now. I'm a bit embarrassed. And I feel incredibly lost, like I'm not sure where I am even though the shell of my body is here. Birdfriend reminds me that these feelings are indicative of depression and isolating behaviours, and reminds me to stay mindful in those moments when I just want to hide and curl into the smallest ball my body can make and cover myself with a blanket.
I've been through so much loss and pain in the past ten years, I sometimes wonder if it's my "normal" state of being. I've lost and reclaimed myself so many times. But now, I'm tired. So incredibly tired. I'm trying to be more gentle with myself as I process this big change and take each day as it comes. Some days I can step back and be more mindful, like the comic strip below, but more often that not, I'm completely overwhelmed by the sheer intensity of my situation.
I don't know what is going to happen in future in either of my relationships, or if I will date others and start more relationships. Everything is up in the air at the moment - my life is a snow-globe turned upside-down, and I am riding out the swirls and eddies as different aspects float past me. I hope to stay grounded during this time of immense transition and I try to feel hopeful that my future will be positive. But mostly, I have no idea how things are going to shake out, and I just have to believe that they will work out for the best.
OK, it's official - I've hit my personal limit...... In the past few weeks, I've been struggling with the ugliness of the news cycle around the Kavanaugh hearings, and the ongoing stressors around finding affordable housing in my city. I feel as though I'm slowly going mad. Memories that I thought where long put to bed have come back to the forefront of my mind. It's hard to process all that is happening in the external world, when there is so much going on in my internal world.
I have been expending what feels like extraordinary amounts of energy to simply get through each day.I know that I've written before about my exhaustion, but things haven't improved from those previous writings, and I'm worn down by the attrition of daily life coupled with the multitude of challenges I'm facing. Housing is a basic human right, and yet my search (which has encompassed talking to everyone I know and even perfect strangers about room-mating, online searches, and endless self-promotion) has so far been fruitless. I'm starting to really fear that I won't find somewhere for me and my cat to live. Especially since Bear has already found alternative housing. It's keeping me up at night! And the lack of sleep is really messing with my cognitive and emotional equilibrium. To help me voice my concerns and to also let other folks in the city know about my plight, I have posted my first ever video to YouTube. And then I shared the video (below) to my Facebook wall, and another group that discusses the housing challenges of our city. My desperation is real...I even said to a coworker the other day, "Who do you have to blow in this city to get housing??!! Because I will gladly get on my knees if it means finding a place to live." She laughed, but I was almost not kidding. It is that bad.
Autumn is upon us and I can feel my depression starting to deepen as the light disappears from our northern hemispheric skies. I've upped my dose of antidepressants to help me adjust to oncoming S.A.D., but honestly, these days just getting up to go to work takes a lot of spoons. I just want to go back to bed, pull the covers over my head, and shut out the outside world. But that doesn't solve the issue, it just delays the anxiety for a little while until it comes right back around, louder and meaner than the first time. Yay, Mental Health Awareness Week.
Hide Away by *B1nd1 on deviantART
Big breath in and out.
Now, turning to the Kavanaugh senate hearings and the testimony of Dr. Blasey Ford (news sources have been dropping her Dr. title as a way to disrespect and discredit her). As a survivor of sexual assault and rape, the news in the past few weeks has been incredibly triggering for me to read and hear about. Memories that I have actively repressed have come right to the surface. Every day, every headline was injurious to read. And then came the day that Dr. Ford had to testify before the senate judiciary hearing committee. I couldn't bring myself to watch the whole thing but I did feel it was important to listen to Dr. Ford's opening statement. And wow, was she ever able to keep herself composed even while sharing some of the most painful and scary memories of her life. Anyone listening to her understood that she had been through something godawful. Hell, even president Drumph himself said that she came across as a very credible witness (until he was told to change his tune and go back to supporting that rapist Kavanaugh). Even Fox News seemed to believe her testimony.
Dr. Ford shares her emotional testimony
Kavanaugh's response was spastic, angry, and conspiratorial. His repetition of, "I like beer," was almost comical if it weren't for the fact that he was using his position of entitlement to make a case. And then, after a brief and rather pathetic FBI investigation into the allegations, the senate confirmed Kavanaugh's nomination to the Supreme Court - the highest judicial body in the USA. And everyone - and I mean everyone - who has ever been a victim of sexual violence lost their shit. Dr. Ford and her family have received numerous death threats, and they've had to move five times already just to stay safe! I simply cannot bear to think that in 2018, an intelligent, honest, and credible woman had her life destroyed again by a piece of shit, entitled, white hetero cis-male who gained even more power at the end of the day. My mind cannot comprehend this miscarriage of justice! All I have been saying in my head for days is "This is RAPE CULTURE in action" and I fear for all those young people growing up in a world where is has happened and is considered OK. How do we explain to younger generations what happened here? What kind of entitled, paternalistic society are we allowing to flourish in the 21 Century? The president added insult to injury when he apologized to Kavanaugh for his "pain and suffering" on the day he was sworn in. Even on Facebook, there's way more apparent support for Kavanaugh, just look at this snip of some of the groups related to him:
The first group, "Confirm Kavanaugh" has more than 10, 000 members!!! Who are these people???
I am in a rage over all this. #Metoo was about holding men accountable, but instead it's being spun as a witch hunt against the hetero, white cis-male establishment. It sickens me to my core.
I am so grateful to news anchors like Trevor Noah who took to the airways to talk about how Drumph uses the Weaponization of Victimhood to continue to back POS like Kavanaugh. Please, if you haven't watched Trevor's monologue, click that link! Stephen Colbert has also had some good interviews with several guests (I'm looking at you, Lady Gaga!) to help understand what happened, and John Oliver continues to lead the pack with his trending work on #feminism. And Samantha Bee is killing it with her monologues! I am also grateful for writers like this one, who help explain to people why so many (specifically) women are so furious with the Kavanaugh appointment confirmation. And to the law students who have been walking out in protest of this appointment. And to Anita Hill, for weighing in on a subject that she (unfortunately) knows so much about. And to singers like this woman, who are setting the record straight and encouraging Americans to go out and vote in the midterm elections:
What does the USA have to do we me, a Canadian? Well, whatever toxic waste is in our basement, it has started to seep into the foundations of our country. We cannot simply ignore what is happening to the south. Especially when a Drumph-esque politician has recently come to power in Ontario (what happened over there??!!!) We need to dismantle the structures of rape culture:
TRIGGER WARNING: descriptions of my sexual assaults and rape follow
And as a survivor, many memories of sexual assault and rape have come flooding to the forefront of my thoughts after listening to Dr. Ford's testimony. I'd like to share some of these "events" with you to show how prevalent they are for women, and perhaps to understand me more?
The first time that I remember being assaulted, I was 13 and in grade 7. I had a crush on a boy that was in my grade and in the school play with me. He knew that I was interested in him. During one of our rehearsals, he grabbed me by the throat and held me against a wall. None of the other kids stopped him. I frantically tried to get away from him because I couldn't breathe. I was afraid that I would pass out from the lack of air, or even worse, that he would accidentally kill me. Eventually, he let go of my throat and laughed, thinking it was hilarious. There were many other kids milling about backstage of the rehearsal. No one intervened. No one said anything. I never told anyone about it until now.
The second time I was 15 or 16, drunk, and hanging out with my friends. We called one of my coworkers over to hang out and we all ran around outside in the rain. Afterwards, he dropped us off at my friend's house to save us the walk back as the rain had worsened into a thunderstorm. He didn't let me out of the car though and locked my door. He sexually assaulted me and I just sat in the car seat frozen in total shock. Eventually, my friends came and got me out of the car... I later told my boyfriend what happened, he believed me at first but after talking to his (guy) friends, he dumped me. I was tainted goods. 😡 And heartbroken and traumatized to boot. I felt so abandoned by the person who was supposed to be on "my side." To say nothing of how difficult it was to have to go back to working with my assailant.
The next time, I was 19 and it was my birthday party. I invited a coworker who I had a crush on over. He brought a few of friends and some booze, and I didn't think anything of it. If thought that I was safe in my own home, I was wrong. The coworker was very inebriated and much stronger than me when he cornered me in my sister's bedroom very late into the night and tried to force himself on me. I told him that I didn't want to have sex, but he didn't listen. He kept going. I got away from him and ran to the bathroom, but he chased after me. He forced himself on me again in the bathroom as I twisted and turned and tried to flee. I was raped in my own home during my own 19th birthday party. I went to the youth health clinic a couple days later where they checked me over and suggested that I report the rape. I didn't report the rape because I was scared, and part of me felt responsible for it happening (even though I know it's not the truth). I didn't really run into that rapist at work again, but I did run into him at a party, which was super traumatizing for me and I had to leave early.
The next time, it was around Halloween the year I was 19 years old (so about 10 months after my birthday rape). I went out with my boyfriend, a 28 year old guy, and some of his friends to a party in the East Side warehouse district. I had a great night and had planned to sleep the night at my boyfriend's house. He had a friend also crashing on the couch there as well. My boyfriend had gotten very drunk that night, and was impossible to sleep next to with his flailing limbs and snoring, and drunken sleep-talking. His roommate wasn't home, so I decided to camp out in her room for the night. In the middle of the night, his friend came into the roommate's room and began to remove the sheets from the bed until my body was exposed. Then he tried to strip off my panties...all while I was still asleep!!! I woke up part way through, freaked out, and tried to fight him off. I kicked him square in the face, and that finally made him stop. In the morning, I told my boyfriend what happened, but he was too hungover to really understand what had transpired. Later, his friend told my boyfriend and his entire circle of friends how I had "wanted it" and that I'm just a "dumb young slut." The sad part is, my boyfriend actually believed his lying, shit-bag of a friend. I was in shock, crushed, and numbly stayed with this asshole of a boyfriend for another six months. Man, all of those sexual assaults really took their toll on my self-esteem. 😢
The last time, I was about 21 years old and I was at a fraternity party on my university campus. I had been drinking and was in a flirty mood. I messed around with a guy and had a good time with him. I went back inside the frat house trying to find the friend that I came to the party with but couldn't find her. I went down a dark hall that was crowded with men, saying that I was looking for my friend. One of the men led me into a room. I told him that I didn't want to have sex, that I was looking for my friend. He thought that I was looking for sex regardless, why else would I walk down that dark hallway? I was pressured into having sex with this stranger, but used a condom for harm-reduction purposes. When I reported it to the RCMP, they called me a liar and completely re-traumatized me. During the police report filing, I discovered that my assailant had given me a fake name,
and to make matters worst the frat stonewalled the police and tried to discredit me. "Bros before hos" to the end. When I received help from WAVAW on campus, my story brought about an initiative for all campus RCMP members to have sensitivity training for dealing with sexual assault survivors. Every member except for the one who interviewed me took the training. She (she!) flat-out refused the training. It was a punch in the gut. I told friends of mine what happened and they told me that what happened wasn't rape because I gave the dude a condom. I'm sorry, but if you are trapped in a dark room, in a building you don't know, with a stranger who is much bigger and stronger than you, and you can't get away...don't you think that still counts as rape/assault? Why split hairs over this? I lost some friends over this - many of them were women friends that I had known for years. I just don't understand the lack of solidarity amongst women sometimes.
These are the "major" sexual assaults that I have dealt with in my lifetime. You'll notice they're all perpetrated by men, and I knew all of them except the frat boy. But as a petite, pretty femme, I have experienced a myriad of other micro and macro sexual aggressions in my lifetime, and I simply cannot list them all here. But I am not alone in my experiences, sadly. I am not a victim of what happened to me, I am a survivor. And I cannot tolerate anyone who thinks that bringing a rapist or sexual predator to justice is a bad thing. We can no longer gloss over the aggressions of white males in our society. You'll also notice that most of my assaults involved alcohol use, and this is a well-documented substance used for sexual assault and rape:
For the longest time, I thought that these assaults and rapes were my fault. I had internalized rape culture - that I was somehow responsible for these men crossing my boundaries to hurt and injure me for their own gain, amusement, enjoyment, ego boost etc. Through extensive counselling, honest discussions, and self-exploration, I have managed to heal from these trespasses. But I will never forget them. And I know that Dr. Ford won't either. I'm not afraid of these memories anymore. They do not define me. And yes, I'll have to probably continue to work on healing my heart, my sexuality, and my mind when it comes to sex - especially sex with men. I've noticed that I am no longer sexually interested in men. Part of it is the fallout of my marriage and separation from Bear, but another part of it is that my interest in men has begun to fade since the #metoo campaign began. I don't know if I'll want to have sex with a man again, the jury is out on that. But I know that I am not in any kind of hurry to go and explore that with any guy at the moment. I love my male friends, especially the woke ones, but dating/sex is off the table for me until further notice.
