Communication Breakdown

Lately in my blog posts, I haven't been writing much about either Birdfriend or Yak because I'd been focusing on my wedding and other things happening in my life but I feel as though the time has come for me to open up a bit more on those fronts. Lots of changes have been happening in my poly circle in the past year, and I've been adjusting as best I can - some days better than others to be sure.

Birdfriend has been dating someone for about 8 months now. Let's call her Meerkat. Meerkat is a lovely addition to our growing menagerie, and it's really wonderful to see Birdfriend so happy. Compersion! I'm still getting to know Meerkat as a person, and it's clear that she's committed to living the poly life, which makes me feel secure and grateful. It's also refreshing to meet another person who is well versed in poly and doesn't need much hand-holding in terms of what's going on.

Image borrowed from this website. I know they are logos, but it was hard to resist this image...

With new editions however, often come shifts and even rifts... I've always been Birdfriend's activity partner - we would go to cultural events like plays, go to Queer events together, go to kink parties together, go for walks etc. That has shifted quite a bit with the introduction of Meerkat into Birdfriend's life. Meerkat has an astonishing number of things in common with Birdfriend, and their outlook on future life seems very well aligned. I have been very happy and supportive of their deepening relationship. But I also have been struggling with feelings of displacement. There are things that I cannot do with Birdfriend that Meerkat can. And I've noticed that while Meerkat has more access to Birdfriend, my access has actually decreased in the past several months. Part of that was also due to wedding planning and obligations. But part of it was due to some miscommunication between Birdfriend and I, and time and funding constraints also played a role.

One person speaks and another person listens. But do they understand?

Communication is central to any relationship. Everyone who has ever read a book about relationships knows this. But what happens when communication breaks down? When people stop feeling heard and shut off? How does one move forward then? (To clarify - I'm talking about myself here).

Communication gradually began to break down between Birdfriend and I a few months back. I would share feelings of being left out of group plans/hikes/events and voice my frustration, and they would try to listen and offer solutions but I wasn't able to do more than share my feelings and didn't know how to "solve" the problem. I didn't necessarily feel understood, but I know that Birdfriend heard my words and yet nothing outwardly changed. And so, my frustration grew, and grew, until it exploded about two weeks ago. I erupted in anger and realized that I had been keeping my emotions in check (i.e. repressed) and was trying just a "good soldier" who should be grateful to get whatever breadcrumbs of time and affection I got. It was a bad scene in my head I tell you. I cried a lot. And I felt so disempowered. The only way I could show agency was to remove myself from any and all scenarios where I would have to be reminded of the fact that once again, I was not invited or could not physically (or monetarily) spend time with my poly circle folks. This seems completely counter-intuitive because I really want to spend time with my people. To anyone who is aware of what depression can do to relationships, this is a common occurrence. The depressed person pulls back even more when they need connection most. The brain is a complicated (and sometimes fucked up) thing.

What hurt even more is then that Birdfriend then verbally used my depression and behaviour as a point of argument in an email response venting their frustration back at me. It wasn't very fair and I'm still trying to "come back" from that one. While they have apologized for the intensity of their emails, these words stung and it will take me some time to rebound into feeling OK to share this side of myself with Birdfriend.

For anyone who hasn't had the "pleasure" of being acquainted with Depression, here's what the average cycle looks like for many people. It can be incredibly difficult to break this cycle as some factors remain firmly outside of a person's control.

Birdfriend, Meerkat, Yak, and Moose (Yak's bff) are all off hiking together this entire week. It's all the group has been able to talk about for months. It's hard because I also enjoy hiking and camping, but I have to avoid sleeping on the ground (Thermarest is simply not good enough) and I can't carry lots of weight on my back for long periods of time. I know that Yak and Birdfriend have looked at alternative ways to include me in hiking trips, but for the most part they are kind of stumped. And so the group continues to go on weekend trips and adventures without me.

Extroverted fox is sad to be left at home when forest friends are out frolicking....

I still don't know the best way to resolve this. I want to spend time with my menagerie but I am wondering if I should instead focus on meeting other folks like me with similar limitations and create more community there. It didn't help when Birdfriend told me that maybe I should do that. It's hurtful because there is a part of me that wonders if I need to actually let go of some of my closest people in my life simply because I do not fit in with their lifestyle anymore. Where is there space for a Fox that used to be in the centre of things but is now on the outside? How can I be included without being made to feel badly about my physical, financial, or mental limitations? How can I move forward with Birdfriend in a positive, affirming, and healing manner?

I have to wait until sometime late next week or even after to have a follow-up conversation with Birdfriend. I cannot do anything to repair and rebuild our connection until they return and until they have actual time to commit to this work. It's a challenge because Birdfriend works multiple jobs and also volunteers - hard to schedule! But I know that both of us are committed to working through this and finding a way forward. That's the greatest strength about polyamory - no matter what is happening, there is always space to come back to the table and renegotiate the relationship, including one's boundaries, needs and desires, and even space to transform the relationship into something else if need be. I am grateful that Birdfriend is willing to talk, even if it is challenging.

Time to connect.

Father's Day approacheth

This Sunday is Father's Day. A day where kids celebrate how awesome their masculine parent is. It's now unfortunately a day that sparks some sadness deep within me as my dad passed away just over two years ago.

My dad had mouth/throat cancer from smoking. It wasn't the first nor his second cancer that killed him, but the third one that did him in. My dad was also an alcoholic. The last few years of his life were not happy ones for him. Mostly because he was miserable and could not find the joy in anything, but also due to his substance abuse, isolation/loneliness, and illness.

This would apply for the years 1997-2015 for me, more than half my life.

To say that my dad was a very difficult person to be around would be an understatement. He would rant about politics, people ("the great unwashed" as he liked to call humanity), and about the evils of LGBTQ2 people. He came from rural Ireland, and never had any gay friends that I am aware of. He was arrogant, confrontational, rude, and elitist.

And yet, he was my dad...and I miss him.

I came out to my dad twice. Once at 16 when I felt I would die/implode from cognitive dissonance from not being out and again as an adult when I told him about a lesbian relationship that I had been in for more than a year at the time. When I was 16, it was my dad that told me that my bisexuality (or queerness) was just a phase. This "it's just a phase" thing haunted me and really got my internalized biphobia going.

UGH. Feeling "not queer enough" or as though being bi was a stepping stone to something else.

In 2011 when I informed my father that I had been dating a woman for more than a year and a half, he made a face and looked rather uncomfortable but seemed somewhat willing to accept it in the moment. Yes, I had concealed the relationship from my parents for that long - I felt that it was unsafe for me to be open about the relationship with my family. I felt that I would be criticized or worse, reviled and disowned. I am glad that I faced my fear and came out again, even though it was really difficult for me at the time.

My dad's daily speech was littered with hate-filled statements towards POC, LGBTQ2 people, and anyone who practiced Islam (sound familiar?) It was hard for me growing up hearing these negative values around other lifestyles and cultures on a regular basis. It meant that I had a lot of misinformation, and that I developed internalized biphobia during my formative years. It was especially difficult because my dad was my unofficial cheerleader when I was a child. He was the more affectionate parent, and he always let me know that I was brilliant, kind, sweet, and beautiful. So when he became an alcoholic, it was very painful for me to witness and I was greatly affected by his words and actions. The person that I counted on most became the person I then had to make very strong boundaries of time/space around because I felt so disrespected and messed up whenever I spent time with him. I hardly saw much of him in the final two years of his life because I refused to be around him when he drank, which was daily. I guess I was in denial that his cancer was terminal. When my dad passed away in April 2015, there were many unresolved issues between us. The queer thing was a big one. Another was his irrational dislike of Bear. Another was his alcoholism and how much it affected our relationship. It's really hard to find closure with these issues now that he's gone...

When I married Bear last month, I gained a new dad - a father-in-law. He's just lovely, and he's very sweet, kind, and well everything you would want in a father-in-law. But here's the thing... he doesn't know about my poly queerness. I wonder how he might feel if he knew the entire "me" and if he would still be supportive of my marriage to Bear. I wonder if he would be able to accept both my orientation and my desire/need for multiple relationships. I wonder if I should share more of myself with him, bring him into my inner circle, so to speak. For now, Bear and I have decided not to share this part of our life with his parents. Still, I do wonder how his dad might react and whether he could come to find compersion for us and how we have elected to live our lives.

My new father-in-law definitely deserves this card that I picked out for him:

The perfect Father's Day card for my new father-in-law

I look forward to getting to know him better, and hope that he can know me better too. I hope one day that being queer and poly will elicit the same response from older folks that telling them you filed your taxes on time does. Until then, I feel the need to be vigilant about whom I share my full story with to stay safe. 

Finally, I want to wish a Happy Father's Day out there to all you dads, want-to-be dads, soon-to-be dads, step-dads, uncles, and cousins who help raise kidlets to be awesome humans.

Digging Deeper - Marriage and Poly

It's been just over three weeks since I married Bear and things are going pretty well despite us both being injured and still looking for a den to cohabitate in. I've been processing some thoughts around marriage lately, especially when seen through a queer, poly lens.

This post does a pretty good job of describing what it's like to be a bi woman married to a straight man. I can relate to it in many ways except that I'm femme, which in some ways is more difficult as my "straight passing" privilege is high. That is, I'm seen as straight in 90%+ of my life unless I happen to be seen holding hands with either Bird or Yak in public. It's something that sometimes bothers me (cue: bi-invisibility and feeling non-existent and depressed), and other times allows me to hide in plain sight when I feel threatened. 100 mile queers (folks who look queer from a distance) don't have this luxury. I'm aware of how this privilege plays into my interactions with the world.

A selfie from today. You can see how I would pass as straight in most circumstances. Sometimes this causes me some mental/emotional distress, other times I use this privilege to fly under the wire if I don't want to be targeted for hate etc.

As it's wedding season, there are more and more articles being circulated online to readers. I'm a part of a number of Bisexual groups on Facebook. These groups are a fantastic source of community, support, outreach/info sharing, and also funny memes to help you laugh through your day. This week, an article entitled Why you shouldn't be Scared to Marry Someone Who's Bisexual came across the Facebook group Bisexual.org. I read the article (published by Brides.com) and it was ok, as far as articles on mostly straight/monogamous websites go. It addresses the key fear that monosexual people face when they are in relationship with a bisexual/queer person and then goes on to mention a number of "upsides" to marrying a bisexual person (groan).

Once again, the # 1 fear of monosexuals is that their bisexual partner will be unable to be monogamous in the relationship. Straight spouses are terrified that their bi/queer partners will either leave them for a person of the same sex or that they will have sex with everyone they meet.

What's going on here? Let's unpack this fear and try to understand it a bit better.

I believe that the source of this fear is threefold. 1) It comes from a place of entitled ownership that has been perpetuated through monogamous heteronormative capitalist narratives in media and cultural stories. You are my spouse. You belong to me. 2) Sex and relationships between two individuals is the accepted standard in our culture today. Having multiple partners seems to upset this accepted social norm and people (especially women) are labelled as sluts or worse. 3) Insecurity - it's clear that someone who is grasping and fearful is insecure about their own state of being/ability to stay healthy in a relationship. These folks project their insecurity onto others and it makes for some heinous emotional shitstorms in relationships.

Are Bisexuals Really Less Monogamous than monosexuals? Well, according to one study (link here, definitely worth a read!), not really:

78 percent of he bisexual men, and 67 percent of the bisexual women in this sample were either seriously dating one person, engaged, or married; the respective percentages for the full sample were 87 and 76.

Granted, bisexuals are more likely to be in committed non-monogamous relationships but that doesn't mean they are incapable of living and loving monogamously. I was monogamous with various previous partners for many years (both men and women).

So how do we get past this fear without the negative stereotypes and statements like "not all bisexuals are..." and without writing out a laundry list about why you should consider a bisexual (and queer, poly) person human, and therefore decent and marriageable?

The only way that I have managed thus far is by living (and writing) my truth. I am confronted in my daily life by folks who openly share their lives and relationships experiences with me/the world. I research and think critically about my worldview and consider how certain thoughts or beliefs limit me. I converse with folks I know and don't know to challenge my assumptions and to understand more of humanity. I then change my behaviours to align with these new ways of understanding. And then, if the mood strikes me, I write.

Here's my response to the Brides article:

Why you Shouldn't be Scared to Marry a Bisexual/Queer Poly Person

Because they are human like you.
Because you love each other and have shared future plans.
Because the connection is what matters, not fear based on insecurity.
Because poly people are often more committed, not less (as poly people may commit to more than just one person). See the Kimchi Cuddles cartoon below.
Because poly people understand and value the importance of communication, negotiation, and agreements.
Because poly people understand that human nature isn't necessarily monogamous. (i.e. that monogamous folks have high incidences of cheating).
Because poly isn't just about sex, it's about connections.
Because having ethical, open romantic relationships with other people can strengthen the bond you have with your primary partner.
Because having ethical, consensual sex with multiple people can actually enhance your relationship to your primary partner (i.e. less pressure to be someone's "everything").
Because marriage is defined by the people within the partnership - and it matters not if the partnership is between two or ten people.
Because monogamy and monosexuality don't guarantee security in relationships.

Kimchi 361 - a poly look at commitment