Birdfriend has been dating someone for about 8 months now. Let's call her Meerkat. Meerkat is a lovely addition to our growing menagerie, and it's really wonderful to see Birdfriend so happy. Compersion! I'm still getting to know Meerkat as a person, and it's clear that she's committed to living the poly life, which makes me feel secure and grateful. It's also refreshing to meet another person who is well versed in poly and doesn't need much hand-holding in terms of what's going on.
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| Image borrowed from this website. I know they are logos, but it was hard to resist this image... |
With new editions however, often come shifts and even rifts... I've always been Birdfriend's activity partner - we would go to cultural events like plays, go to Queer events together, go to kink parties together, go for walks etc. That has shifted quite a bit with the introduction of Meerkat into Birdfriend's life. Meerkat has an astonishing number of things in common with Birdfriend, and their outlook on future life seems very well aligned. I have been very happy and supportive of their deepening relationship. But I also have been struggling with feelings of displacement. There are things that I cannot do with Birdfriend that Meerkat can. And I've noticed that while Meerkat has more access to Birdfriend, my access has actually decreased in the past several months. Part of that was also due to wedding planning and obligations. But part of it was due to some miscommunication between Birdfriend and I, and time and funding constraints also played a role.
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| One person speaks and another person listens. But do they understand? |
Communication is central to any relationship. Everyone who has ever read a book about relationships knows this. But what happens when communication breaks down? When people stop feeling heard and shut off? How does one move forward then? (To clarify - I'm talking about myself here).
Communication gradually began to break down between Birdfriend and I a few months back. I would share feelings of being left out of group plans/hikes/events and voice my frustration, and they would try to listen and offer solutions but I wasn't able to do more than share my feelings and didn't know how to "solve" the problem. I didn't necessarily feel understood, but I know that Birdfriend heard my words and yet nothing outwardly changed. And so, my frustration grew, and grew, until it exploded about two weeks ago. I erupted in anger and realized that I had been keeping my emotions in check (i.e. repressed) and was trying just a "good soldier" who should be grateful to get whatever breadcrumbs of time and affection I got. It was a bad scene in my head I tell you. I cried a lot. And I felt so disempowered. The only way I could show agency was to remove myself from any and all scenarios where I would have to be reminded of the fact that once again, I was not invited or could not physically (or monetarily) spend time with my poly circle folks. This seems completely counter-intuitive because I really want to spend time with my people. To anyone who is aware of what depression can do to relationships, this is a common occurrence. The depressed person pulls back even more when they need connection most. The brain is a complicated (and sometimes fucked up) thing.
What hurt even more is then that Birdfriend then verbally used my depression and behaviour as a point of argument in an email response venting their frustration back at me. It wasn't very fair and I'm still trying to "come back" from that one. While they have apologized for the intensity of their emails, these words stung and it will take me some time to rebound into feeling OK to share this side of myself with Birdfriend.
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| For anyone who hasn't had the "pleasure" of being acquainted with Depression, here's what the average cycle looks like for many people. It can be incredibly difficult to break this cycle as some factors remain firmly outside of a person's control. |
Birdfriend, Meerkat, Yak, and Moose (Yak's bff) are all off hiking together this entire week. It's all the group has been able to talk about for months. It's hard because I also enjoy hiking and camping, but I have to avoid sleeping on the ground (Thermarest is simply not good enough) and I can't carry lots of weight on my back for long periods of time. I know that Yak and Birdfriend have looked at alternative ways to include me in hiking trips, but for the most part they are kind of stumped. And so the group continues to go on weekend trips and adventures without me.
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| Extroverted fox is sad to be left at home when forest friends are out frolicking.... |
I still don't know the best way to resolve this. I want to spend time with my menagerie but I am wondering if I should instead focus on meeting other folks like me with similar limitations and create more community there. It didn't help when Birdfriend told me that maybe I should do that. It's hurtful because there is a part of me that wonders if I need to actually let go of some of my closest people in my life simply because I do not fit in with their lifestyle anymore. Where is there space for a Fox that used to be in the centre of things but is now on the outside? How can I be included without being made to feel badly about my physical, financial, or mental limitations? How can I move forward with Birdfriend in a positive, affirming, and healing manner?
I have to wait until sometime late next week or even after to have a follow-up conversation with Birdfriend. I cannot do anything to repair and rebuild our connection until they return and until they have actual time to commit to this work. It's a challenge because Birdfriend works multiple jobs and also volunteers - hard to schedule! But I know that both of us are committed to working through this and finding a way forward. That's the greatest strength about polyamory - no matter what is happening, there is always space to come back to the table and renegotiate the relationship, including one's boundaries, needs and desires, and even space to transform the relationship into something else if need be. I am grateful that Birdfriend is willing to talk, even if it is challenging.
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| Time to connect. |
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