My dad had mouth/throat cancer from smoking. It wasn't the first nor his second cancer that killed him, but the third one that did him in. My dad was also an alcoholic. The last few years of his life were not happy ones for him. Mostly because he was miserable and could not find the joy in anything, but also due to his substance abuse, isolation/loneliness, and illness.
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This would apply for the years 1997-2015 for me, more than half my life. |
To say that my dad was a very difficult person to be around would be an understatement. He would rant about politics, people ("the great unwashed" as he liked to call humanity), and about the evils of LGBTQ2 people. He came from rural Ireland, and never had any gay friends that I am aware of. He was arrogant, confrontational, rude, and elitist.
And yet, he was my dad...and I miss him.
I came out to my dad twice. Once at 16 when I felt I would die/implode from cognitive dissonance from not being out and again as an adult when I told him about a lesbian relationship that I had been in for more than a year at the time. When I was 16, it was my dad that told me that my bisexuality (or queerness) was just a phase. This "it's just a phase" thing haunted me and really got my internalized biphobia going.
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UGH. Feeling "not queer enough" or as though being bi was a stepping stone to something else. |
In 2011 when I informed my father that I had been dating a woman for more than a year and a half, he made a face and looked rather uncomfortable but seemed somewhat willing to accept it in the moment. Yes, I had concealed the relationship from my parents for that long - I felt that it was unsafe for me to be open about the relationship with my family. I felt that I would be criticized or worse, reviled and disowned. I am glad that I faced my fear and came out again, even though it was really difficult for me at the time.
My dad's daily speech was littered with hate-filled statements towards POC, LGBTQ2 people, and anyone who practiced Islam (sound familiar?) It was hard for me growing up hearing these negative values around other lifestyles and cultures on a regular basis. It meant that I had a lot of misinformation, and that I developed internalized biphobia during my formative years. It was especially difficult because my dad was my unofficial cheerleader when I was a child. He was the more affectionate parent, and he always let me know that I was brilliant, kind, sweet, and beautiful. So when he became an alcoholic, it was very painful for me to witness and I was greatly affected by his words and actions. The person that I counted on most became the person I then had to make very strong boundaries of time/space around because I felt so disrespected and messed up whenever I spent time with him. I hardly saw much of him in the final two years of his life because I refused to be around him when he drank, which was daily. I guess I was in denial that his cancer was terminal. When my dad passed away in April 2015, there were many unresolved issues between us. The queer thing was a big one. Another was his irrational dislike of Bear. Another was his alcoholism and how much it affected our relationship. It's really hard to find closure with these issues now that he's gone...
When I married Bear last month, I gained a new dad - a father-in-law. He's just lovely, and he's very sweet, kind, and well everything you would want in a father-in-law. But here's the thing... he doesn't know about my poly queerness. I wonder how he might feel if he knew the entire "me" and if he would still be supportive of my marriage to Bear. I wonder if he would be able to accept both my orientation and my desire/need for multiple relationships. I wonder if I should share more of myself with him, bring him into my inner circle, so to speak. For now, Bear and I have decided not to share this part of our life with his parents. Still, I do wonder how his dad might react and whether he could come to find compersion for us and how we have elected to live our lives.
My new father-in-law definitely deserves this card that I picked out for him:
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The perfect Father's Day card for my new father-in-law |
I look forward to getting to know him better, and hope that he can know me better too. I hope one day that being queer and poly will elicit the same response from older folks that telling them you filed your taxes on time does. Until then, I feel the need to be vigilant about whom I share my full story with to stay safe.
Finally, I want to wish a Happy Father's Day out there to all you dads, want-to-be dads, soon-to-be dads, step-dads, uncles, and cousins who help raise kidlets to be awesome humans.
If 'future' you entrusts Bear's father with a fuller picture, I dearly hope that dad-in-law is open. You're worth it.
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