Checking in

It's been a little while since I last published a blog post. I have been writing blog content over the past few weeks, but none of it is quite ready to share with the world yet. I figured that I should probably do a check-in so that my readers don't think that my blog is dead. It isn't! I just have been tackling big topics and the posts are taking longer to write and edit.

I'm happy to say that with a small increase in my SSRI dose, I'm feeling much better this winter. I also got a Verilux Happy Light for my desk at work, and that's really been making a difference as well when it gets dark around 3pm. I'm trying to go outside, and to watch funny Netflix shows instead of dark heavy dramas that drag my mood down. To say nothing of sad song avoidance on the radio/in my headphones! I'm doing all that I can to stay buoyant during these dark months.

Queer poly stockings hung from the fire with care...

The holidays were a very busy time for this Fox. I spent a good chunk of time getting the shared den in order with Bear as we hosted our housewarming just before Christmas. It's still coming along, and we are still navigating cohabitation now that the stressful disruption from the flood and associated repairs have finally been completed. There's some growing pains there, especially around communication as I'm the extraverted one with many weekly social obligations, and he's the homebody bear who likes to chill after a 12-15 hour workday in front of TV.  We are developing a way to keep in touch that has nothing to do with Google Calendar. I'm hoping that it will help us stay connected even when we are both busy.

Being poly can be challenging around the winter holidays as everyone wants to be with you, and you want to be with everyone but it's gotta be balanced. There were a few article/blog posts floating around Facebookland with ideas about how to successfully navigate the holidays for poly folks. I found that having a few polycule-based gatherings (my housewarming, a play party, NYE) kept things quite balanced between my three people, plus specific dates with each of them one-on-one. Lots of cuddling this winter for this fox, I'm happy to report!

I need WAY more candles that this to be accurate about my age. 

Last week as also my birthday! Another trip completed around our sun. As usual, my birthday tends to make me rather introspective. Given it's proximity to New Years, it stands to reason that I've been thinking a fair bit about "resolutions." I'm trying to avoid making any resolutions though as I (like so many other folks) don't manage to actually complete their resolutions. So I'm thinking about my goals for 2018 instead. Thoughts are still coalescing there, and I must be honest and share that I feel a bit lost after last year's big achievements - the wedding and the move with Bear, and NZ trip with Birdfriend. I'm having this "what's next?" moment in my head these days. Especially as I'm unsure whether or not a honeymoon will be in the cards this year. But goal-orientated thoughts are buzzing around in my skull these days. I'll write some intentions down later this week.

The PCT (hiked from South to North). EPIC hiking ahead for a Birdfriend and Yak ahead!

This feeling of needing to figure out my goals for this year is intensifying as both Birdfriend and Yak will be leaving in a few months to hike the Pacific Crest Trail (or PCT) for about 5.5 months. I would say that I'm feeling bereft and worried about my mental/emotional health while they are away. But I'm also very proud and excited for them both as well. It will be challenging though as it's a major loss for me - two of my three partners leaving. And I have concerns about maintaining good communication, especially with Yak given that we haven't "figured out what we are doing with our relationship" while she's away. With Birdfriend, we have made the commitment to stay in touch about every 5-7 days (as technology allows) etc. But Yak and I have made no such arrangements. And I don't even know whether she wants to continue our relationship while she's away/when she comes back. I guess this is one way of me asking her. And I suppose I've been feeling a little timid about bringing it up because in many ways, because our relationship wasn't supposed to be a big "thing" for either of us. 

A wee graphic made by yours truly.

But it has developed into something very precious to me - a beautiful, nurturing, spiritual connection that allows both Yak and I to be fully ourselves when we are together. It feels like poetry, symphony, and cosmically romantic. Sounds perhaps a little NREish still, but it feels much deeper than a year ago when we were high on NRE. We both feel that we are growing as individuals, and together. It's a beautiful relationship that we've created. And I would like to keep creating it and growing within it. It feels a little like this:

Chakras glowing bright.

I hope that we can find a way forward while Yak is away to keep our relationship strong and growing. It is my intention to stay connected with Yak while she's off being a free-range creature. I know from my own experiences being away from Bear & Birdfriend three years ago that maintaining relationships over distances is VERY rewarding. And often, discussions that you may not have with the person while they are physically here can often happen more easily if they are away. And then you both learn even more about the person you are with, and often grow closer as a result. It certainly felt that way between Bear & I when I returned from my travels about three years ago. So I will put my faith in the fact that Yak and I care deeply about one another and are able to create a path forward that works for us. And I will continue to take actions to make my intentions reality. And so it is....

#metoo, #nowwhat, and #wheredowegofromhere?

Since the New York Times broke the news about the Hollywood scumbag, Harvey Weinstein, about six + weeks ago, I've been in an emotional place. I find myself sad, angry, sometimes enveloped in full-blown feminist rage; while at the same time, I'm a really exhausted survivor trying to deal with the overflow of hardcore news about sexual violence on my Facebook feed. As more and more women came forward about Harvey (the current count is at 65 btw), so too did the stories of sexual abuse of many women, men, and non-binary folks assaulted at the hands of powerful men until it flooded the daily news cycle. You can't ignore the critical mass of folks screaming #metoo anymore, which is arguably, a good thing.

Cartoon figures of many backgrounds and genders stand in a #metoo formation.

And yet, the #metoo campaign put the onus of abuse on the victims and not on the perpetrators. Well, that my friends is starting to change. People are now starting to have real dialogue about sexual assault and abuse and looking at some rather uncomfortable truths. Some men have started to make efforts and take responsibility by sharing the #Iwillspeakup call to action. Men are starting to realize that:

"...it's not just Hollywood. Viewing women as objects, property and having less value than men is something that all males have been taught, even by 'well-meaning men,' and we pass that on to our boys. So this has to become a men's issue, because men won't stop unless other men say so." [A Call to Men co-founder Ted Bunch].

A major uncomfortable truth is that cis men are the ones that perpetrate sexual crimes. There's no mincing my words here. After doing some rather depressing research into sexual assault statistics, I have to say that it's clear that the data is heavily skewed towards the ubiquitous nature of sexual violence perpetrated by men towards people of all genders.

Men comprise 93%-99% of perpetrators of sexual violence

This is so disheartening. No caption really needed....

WTF is going on?! Well, dear readers, what we are seeing is the ugly up-ending of a Pandora's box called Rape Culture. If you don't know what Rape Culture is, I highly suggest you read this article and this blog post. Rape Culture affects all of us, whether or not we are aware of it. It's why I ask my female and non-binary friends to text me when they get home safely after taking transit/walking home. It's why I sometimes carry my keys in my hands when I'm alone at night, in case someone tries to grab me and I need them as a weapon. It's why I sit near the driver on a late-night bus if I'm alone. It's why I constantly turn around when I'm walking on the street alone if I feel like someone is following me. It's why I won't go out to certain bars where I know that sexual predation is likely. It's why I sometimes pretend I don't speak English if a man is harassing me on the street. I could go on.

With the sexual abuse whistleblowing that's going on, no one is "safe" from being called out. But I want to make something really really clear here, this is NOT a witch-hunt. Women, boys, and gender-diverse people have been historically wronged by so many men in so many ways over so many centuries (and some, including me, would argue that this has been taking place over millennia). People are finally coming together and saying ENOUGH to systemic Rape Culture. Victims are no longer willing to stay silent, and we are coming out in force to say that the time has come for this awful power imbalance bullshit to end.

I was really disheartened when a comedian that I happen to enjoy (well, 80% of the time anyways), was revealed to be a sexual predator. I'm talking about Louis CK here. He issued an "apology" that really wasn't an apology. What it was, was an acknowledgement of his wrongdoing, but that's it. I agree wholeheartedly with what Franchesca Ramsey said about Louis. This response on Twitter kind of sums it up better than I could write it out:

Many of his friends have now had to come forward and deal with the fallout from these allegations. I was really touched by Sarah Silverman's response to the whole deal:

Going back to the "evidence," there is an obvious trend in the statistical data that shows how there is often an age element to sexual violence - another indicator of this type of behaviour being about power and not about sex at all.... And that's where I need to talk about another predator, and hopeful Alabama Senate candidate, Roy Moore. Moore has been accused by 9 (and counting) women of inappropriate sexual advances and groping when they were underage. He was even banned by his local mall for stalking and irritating teenagers when he was in his 30's. The Sears in his home town had a "Roy Moore Protocol" so that young employees knew to call over a supervisor if they saw him in the store if they were working alone. And now he's running for state senator of Alabama. And his local supporters are rabidly defending him more now that he's been accused by multiple women. Let that sink in a bit, and you'll begin to understand the depth of Rape Culture.

Not sure if you can read it, but it says "for 83% of sexual assault cases, the accused person was older than the victim."

It's also been a bit frustrating to see once great politicians, who had come out against Harvey Weinstein and others, to then get "fingered" as a sexual perpetrator. I'm talking about Al Franken, unfortunately. I was a big fan of Senator Franken, but now, I'm just as disgusted by him as by so many others that behave in this fashion. And like Louis CK, Franken issued a non-apologetic apology to his victim and called for an ethics investigation into himself. Furthermore, there is an informal "Creep List" of approximately 50+ men that exists in Washington DC, and female politicians/government workers have shared protocols to help each other avoid sexual predation. I wish I was making this up.

So what do we do now? Well, I think it's time we look at how we raise and socialize boys and girls differently. It's time that we stop "protecting" the egos of boys and men (especially around sex) and teach them how to treat everyone with respect. Michelle Obama said it best, I think,

“Are we protecting our men too much so they feel a little entitled and self-righteous sometimes? But, that’s kind of on us too as women and mothers, as we nurture men and push girls to be perfect.” She also joked with men that they need to take a cue from women and talk with one another more than they do.

“Y’all should get you some friends,” she laughed, pointing to the men in the audience. “Y’all need to go talk to each other about your stuff, because there’s so much of it! And it's messy. Talk about why y’all are the way you are.”

It's no surprise that women talk more to each other about what's going on at a deep level for them. Women are encouraged to be that way. But men, well, I can't say what dudes talk about when no women are around...but I'd like to offer a challenge to the men in my life. I want you to look at your past and current actions, thoughts, and attitudes about women. Have you transgressed in the past? Do you find yourself not believing the ubiquity of sexual violence towards women, trans and non-binary folks, and children? Do you think that all these allegations are just a snowball effect and not real? Do you find yourself blaming victims for not coming forward sooner? Do you feel that your sexual needs are more interesting/important than your partners'? Do you sometimes have sex with your partner even though she/he/they don't really seem into it at the time (but you think you can get them in the mood)? These are tough questions to ask yourselves guys. I believe that it's critical for men to do this type of self-reflection right now. 

What do you do if you are a man who has sexually harassed someone? How do you own up to your actions, make real amends, and find a way to heal yourself and any victims you made? A friend of mine on Facebook posted this gem of an article. It gives clear steps on how former perpetrators can now make a difference in the lives of the people that they negatively affected. I can image that a truly repentant individual would find this a difficult journey to move forward and heal from, but it's so important to support these efforts.

I could write about my own experiences of sexual harassment, assault, and rape, but I feel as though I have already addressed that in other blog posts. For myself, I want to ensure that there is awareness about these issues, that my words affect change, and that I foster the creation of Consent Culture everywhere I go. Here's a fantastic comic by Kimchi Cuddles about consent:

Consent means checking in even after "things get started" to ensure your partner is totally present and on board with your activities. Don't make assumptions!

 And the comic below really drives the point home, I think, about how sex isn't something that's given or taken from another person, it's a creative process that involves two or more people - an action, not a thing. We need to teach our children and our society how to infuse all interpersonal interactions with respect. We need to understand that consent isn't just about sex - it's applicable for any form of touch (for example, I like to be asked if I want a hug, rather than have someone launch-hug me). If we started this respectful practice from a young age, imagine how quickly the prevalence of sexual violence would drop. But today is not yet that day, and there is still much to be done. Please be a part of the conversation, take some action today to help change systematic misogyny and rape culture. It's up to ALL of us to make a change.

October flew past like a banshee

It's been a rather busy month. Upon moving into my new shared den with Bear, we discovered a backup in our kitchen sink with a leak that went under the cabinets, oven, and seeped through the drywall and into the carpet in my bedroom. Seriously! I opened the door and that was the first thing I saw! So now our den is in a state of deconstruction while we wait for the restoration folks to send workers over to put our Humpty-Dumpty kitchen back together again. It's been more than three weeks without a kitchen sink or dishwasher, and we are not able to unpack and settle in the way we would like to.


October included important weeks like Mental Health Awareness Week and Invisible Disabilities Week. As I'm impacted by both of these issues, I had planned to write blog content about how I was engaging with it and also how I'm doing on those fronts. But then I caught a really horrible viral cold that knocked my ass flat for over a week and my brain capacity dwindled to what little I could manage.

Mental Health Awareness Week was brought to my attention at work (of all places) as my employer has been pushing for more awareness among it's workers on this front (and other wellness initiatives), which is positive. However, it also felt a little like lip-service as there was no real discussion of it in the workplace. I recall telling certain coworkers earlier this spring that I suffered from depression and S.A.D. I told them that when I'm at my lowest point, I feel so incredibly alone and that I believe no one cares at all about me. I know that these thoughts aren't mirroring reality, but this is how depression works folks. I think that was a bit tough for my coworkers to hear and they promptly changed the subject. But it's true. I've been struggling with the onset of my S.A.D. I can feel it creeping into my brain with foggy, dull wispy fingers. I sometimes feel powerless to stop it.

I'm trying to go outside every day that it's dry, and even if it's raining to get some "real air" into my lungs as recycled building air gets to me in winter time. I sometimes wonder that my depression will damage my romantic relationships. It does get in the way sometimes, and I internalize some guilt over it. I don't like being depressed. Most people seem surprised upon meeting me that I have it. But it's a real thing for me, and I'm trying to face it during a time when I feel really messed up and want to withdraw. But here I am, trying.

Invisible Disabilities Week as actually a "thing" I "celebrated" this year. I even changed my Facebook profile picture to include a frame to share my status with folks to raise awareness about how prevalent these types of disabilities are (in fact, they comprise the BULK of all disabilities). Firstly, let's define what a disability is with a friendly bear's help:

OK, so what are invisible disabilities? Well, there are many, many, many kinds. Here are just a few examples:

I've become disabled through three car accidents that took place about 7 years ago now. While I've definitely gained much of my functionality back over time, the chronic pain and muscle inflammation, chronic TMJ, and pelvic floor issues have kept me feeling like I've been treading water nonstop for the past several years. It's exhausting. My life is often about pain-mitigation. I have started carrying around my "donut" cushion again because my tailbone feels sore and needs the extra protection on hard transit seats. And speaking of transit.... I finally broke down and bought an Invisible Disabilities transit pass holder because I was so exhausted and heartbroken by the ageist ableist vitriol that was spewed at me by elderly riders.

The pass holder is pretty cool and it comes with 50 awareness cards that I can hand out if someone is curious about what an invisible disability is. I haven't worn the bracelet or lapel pin yet, but I plan to. I have an extra bracelet (that glows in the dark!) if someone would like to claim it. 😃

Ok, I think I'm out of spoons for this post. Stay tuned for more blogs in future about how these issues intersect with other aspects of my life.

It's Bisexuality Awareness week!

I did it! A full year of thoughtful queer content!

It's been fully one year since I started this blog about bisexuality, queer themes, polyamory, and wellness intersectionality. My how the time flies! I want to thank all of my readers for staying with me, and supporting me throughout my process! Thank you for your feedback, and don't be afraid to leave comments on my posts! I enjoy thoughtful (and respectful) discourse about topics I present.

It's that time of year again!

It's Bisexual Awareness Week in case you didn't know...and 2017 has been a year where more and more folks are coming out as bi/queer as there is a bit more understanding in society about life beyond the binary. And yet....there's still the problem of representation for bisexual/queer folks in media, in children's stories, in politics, and the ongoing issues of negative social and health outcomes for bisexuals that need to be addressed.

Let me back this up a bit. Yes, there are now more sexually diverse and gender-variant characters on TV, and yes, more celebrities have come out about being bisexual/queer/poly this year, thus increasing bisexual visibility in media. However, I'm still noticing how many people online and in the real world don't really understand or respect bisexuality/queerness. Especially when it comes to services, medical needs, and specific queer parenting challenges. It's like society is sometimes willing to grudgingly admit that bisexuals exist but then don't put any supports in place to sustain that awareness. This article shows the range of experiences that bi people face when coming out (huzzah for Teen Vogue!)

Attitudes like the ones in this graphic below continue to persist in the real world and online:

The whole "picking a side" thing really is a complex issue. On the one hand, if you "pick a side" you may be ostracized by the LGBTQ2 community as settling, especially if you "choose" a heteronormative monogamous relationship. Or you de facto become gay to straight people (hello, invisibility). On the other hand, if you don't "pick a side," you're often seen as a "messy" bisexual, greedy, promiscuous (not a negative in my view) or a fence-sitter. Ugh. No way to win!

"This banner's on the fence. Bisexuals aren't." From this Tumblr account.

Here's an excellent video that sums up how (some) people respond when you tell them you are bi/queer:

"Aha! So it IS a choice!" - groan...

It's a tough thing to come out to people as someone who loves and fucks outside the gender binary. Especially when you are unsure of how they will react to the news. In an effort to be more visible, I've started coming out to more and more coworkers, but I'm mindful of which people I share my life info with because I don't want to feel potential negative social or career implications, even though my rights are enshrined in the Canadian Charter of Rights & Freedoms of 1982. This fear is something that straight people will never understand, and it keeps me mindful of my safety. Even though this blog is public, I am careful of which audience I share it to on Facebook and I've removed the ability to track me down via this blog (again, to ensure my safety). I've also started sharing my poly reality with coworkers as well in an effort to normalize it, promote awareness, and get support when things are overwhelming. So far, it's been pretty positive. Folks tend to be confused about non-monogamy, especially when I tell them that I'm married to a man, and often the poly thing is harder for people to wrap their heads around than being bi. However, my sexuality and polyamory are totally intertwined (but I recognize that this isn't the case for all bi people).

Do I have to pick one path? Poly allows me to pick more than one, thus, I'm not choosing a side, but choosing something like "d) All of the Above" if this was a multiple choice question.

Bisexual/queer folks experience double discrimination as well as invisibility - from the straight community AND from the gay/lesbian community. Let me use the following two "exhibits" to demonstrate what I mean by double discrimination.

Exhibit A: A bisexual woman's experience of discrimination based on perception and partner's gender:

Seriously?!

Exhibit B: Discrimination from the gay community:

Here's a prime example of discrimination against a bi person from a gay person.

And while there are many resources available to Gays and Lesbians for emotional, mental, and physical health, there is almost no such similar infrastructure in place for bi/queer folk. In fact, you never even hear about the existence of a "bisexual community," it's always "the Gay and Lesbian X, Y, Z...." The only place that I have really felt a sense of community is online, and with the one I intentionally built around me - my chosen family. I'm lucky that my doctor even bothers to ask me if I have sex with men and women as most doctors will assume you are straight unless you tell them. 

I feel that Vancouver is making some good strides to create events that foster awareness and make space for folks across the gender and sexuality spectrum to come together and witness and celebrate each other (especially during Pride season). I can go to queer events and feel like I can be me and (mostly) be seen. However, I think that Canada could do better overall with regards to bisexual awareness, based on the fact that the events listed on www.bivisibilityday.com are kind of lacking and only for Toronto-area residents:

Come on rest of Canada! Let's get this bi-coastal bi party started!

You may be wondering what you can do to help with biphobia, bi-erasure, discrimination, and shit attitudes towards queers? Well, here's some ideas:

Read books and blogs written by bisexuals to gain further awareness and understanding. Go onto YouTube and watch some videos by a bisexual vloggers (like Eliel Cruz below). Ask questions if you don't understand what to do better as an ally. Add a bisexual visibility day banner to your Facebook profile picture. March with your friends at Pride. Work with other LG groups to promote intra-queer understanding and inclusivity. Donate to bisexual organizations that work to help eradicate those sad statistics about bisexual health outcomes, like the Bisexual Resource Centre. 

Thanks for helping making my world more inclusive! I hope that through my writings that readers will gain more understanding, compassion, and that the information herein promotes behaviours that create more LGBTQ2 cohesiveness. Peace.

Where are we now?

The past month or so has been full of personal challenges for me that I haven't been ready to write about and share on my blog until now. When it comes to exposing some of my deepest thoughts and feelings, I try to ensure that I write from a place of calm objective honesty, rather than irrational myopic bias. Some of what I'm going to share today is connected to previous posts like Communication Breakdown, but some thoughts will be entirely new to my blogsphere.

2017 has been a year of big changes in my life. I got married, I'm in the process of packing for moving in with the Bear (finally), and I've been devoting a lot of my energy to finding more appropriate employment. I've been deepening my poly connections, whilst making some new friends and reconnecting with old ones along the way. I've been navigating difficult health issues (both physical and mental) and trying to find a way forward to wellness.

August was a particularly rough month for me. I was dealing with intense feelings around being excluded from my poly circle (again, due to money, and physical limitations); I had removed the hormonal IUD I've been on for the past five years which was messing up my body chemistry big time; and I was head-long in the search for new housing. My stress level was therefore, really high. My physical pain symptoms made sleep difficult. My mental health started to decline...and sleep became very challenging. I could feel my true self feeling trapped in a little jail surrounded by depression and hard thoughts. And I felt powerless inside to stop some of the thoughts and behaviours that were elicited by my depression. My thoughts became extreme and Bear had to run interference when he saw/heard that I was clearly going off the rails. Thank you Bear for helping me through those hard moments.

OMG the varying feels of depression. This is fairly accurate for me at times.

Depression for me comes in waves. And it can be exacerbated by other people's depression too. I have to make sure that my mental health issues don't get compounded by those of my various partners.

This time, the depression was a direct result of grieving what I felt was a perceived change in my relationship with Birdfriend. While things have been shifting this year between us, something happened in the couple months directly after we came home from New Zealand. I'm not even sure what that "thing" was that changed. But we both felt it. And it got aggravated by me feeling left out and not supported with regards to my chronic pain and ability. And then my brain and the maelstrom of mad thoughts took over and things have been in steady decline between us for the past few months. To the point where it was painful for me to even think about Birdfriend. And I shut down.

Birdfriend has been very patient and trying to be supportive. But they have been very frustrated with me as well, and I don't really blame them for it. It's tough being partnered with someone who has mental health issues that cycle through being fine, and then NOT. And when I'm really not well, I push people away - including Birdfriend (which I can image has been painful for them). I know that my depression is tough on Bear too - he's dealt with the brunt of my darkness. However, trying to talk about depression when you are in it is next to impossible, hence the quote above. It's a Catch-22 type of situation. You know that dialogue will help things, but you are so deep in your head that you can't even see anything outside of yourself. Like the old saying, "can't see the forest for the trees." It's a really shitty place to experience life from, and sometimes I'm simply not able to shake myself out of the feeling.

Yep. Sometimes I'm doing the reassuring, and at other times, I'm needing reassurance.

This past week I've had a few very in-depth and difficult conversations. They were MUCH needed conversations, but still, hard to have. The first one(s) was with Birdfriend around how we both aren't really happy with the current incarnation of our connection and how to address that without "throwing the baby out with the bathwater." This conversation was a long time in the making, probably almost a year...and it was good to really check-in and be honest with each other about our feelings and how we can better hear, be with, and support one another. We are still trying to "land" this conversation as there is more discussion and negotiation needed in order to move forward. However, we are both committed to finding a way forward that works for us both. And I do have faith that we will find a way. Our relationship is one of the most unique, nourishing, expansive connections I've ever had in my life. And I value and cherish it immensely, as does Birdfriend.

Ah, pre-conversation jitters. How they make just starting a tough conversation all the more difficult.

The second conversation I've had this week has been with Yak. I realize that I haven't been writing much about Yak and my connection with her for the past few months, and I plan on writing something specific soon... Yak and I have been cycling through what feels like the same conversation for the past several months about how to conceptualize and evolve our current relationship. It was clear that we both feel lots of love and passion for each other, but that there was also a feeling of limitation on both sides. I felt limited in that I wanted to offer more to Yak, and she felt limited because she thought I was living from a place of hierarchical poly and thus, she couldn't have more from me. It took us months to finally figure it out and have a clearer conversation about it, and I'm so glad that we did figure out what the wrench in the works was because it was making us both kind of nuts. I know that more conversations with Yak are needed so that we both feel heard and are getting our needs met in and out of the relationship. And again, I have faith that we will find a way forward.

For my readers, I would like to clarify something. I don't believe in, nor participate in hierarchical polyamory. I think it's shit, frankly. I find that hierarchies make participants who are "lower in rank" feel less or even unimportant, can make folks feel like they have little agency in the relationship, and can make partners feel marginalized. I don't want my sweeties to feel that way. I believe in a more egalitarian soly-poly type approach to relationships (bordering on relationship anarchy). When I am with my partner, I am with them. I try not to look at my phone or message my other partners; I try and give them my full self in the moment; and I make space for them daily (messages, happy thoughts, making plans etc).

While I do have a primary partner in Bear, I sometimes don't really feel like I need the word "primary" to describe in my head what I feel for him. He's my spouse, and my husbear, and my partner. Birdfriend is my non-primary, but again, I feel like I could drop the "non-primary" and just call them partner. Yak is my lover, and that currently fits, but I'm open to changing the label if it no longer fits for us.

I'm going to close this blog post with a most excellent comic from Kimchi Cuddles:

Plenty of room in my heart for all three of my partners.

Where the bi boys are

Since I developed this blog about a year ago, I've been wanting to write a piece specifically about bisexual men. I am very curious about how the experiences of bisexual men differ from women, and so I've been collecting online articles, watching YouTube videos, and speaking with the bi men in my social circle to get a better idea of how bisexual men move through the world. The differences are interesting to say the least...

Where bisexual women are often perceived as straight and wanting male attention, bisexual men are often perceived as gay. These stereotypes are toxic and cissexist. I think that Eliel Cruz said it best in this article:

For a man to be interested in multiple genders, especially those from either ends of the feminine or masculine spectrum, breaks down the cisheternormative idea of a binary attraction in which masculinity must attract femininity.
The stereotype, which is cissexist, is that bi women are actually straight and bi men are actually gay because of the attraction to men. A patriarchal, and binary, understanding of sexuality says that once you like men you must only like men.

Here's a painful example from a survey that Glamour Magazine ran last year:

The "bisexual men don't exist" idea is so prevalent that men are often pushed to either create a supportive community because there is no space for them in LGBTQ2 circles despite the B being a clear part of that acronym; or they stay in the closet or are vague about their sexuality to others because they don't feel safe to come out and be accepted for who they are. Because bisexual men are often just seen as gay and therefore, sexual predators (shudder, another stereotype that needs to die), they get pushed out of their jobs if they come out, like this bi teacher in Kentucky who came out to his class to help support a suicidal LGBTQ2 teen. We need to support these men. They are people too!

For more "reactions" by women about men coming out to them as bi, go check out this article.

This video is an awesome look into the stereotypes around bisexual men, definitely worth a watch! TheNotAdam has many "Ask a Bi Guy" episodes, so if you want to delve deep into topics around men's bisexuality, go for it!

Given how I view human sexuality as this fluid, evolving, and highly personal thing, I totally disagree with the stereotype about bi men being gay. The bisexual men I know are: married to men, date women but fuck men, date men but fuck women, or date/fuck all genders. This stereotype just doesn't hold water, and it plays into the larger problematic stereotype that all bi/queer folks seem to deal with - that you can't be bi/queer - you have to pick a side. Which is rubbish, really. And to say that men aren't sexually fluid is to discount their experiences and their stories. Attraction exists on a continuum, as does sexuality, and this is true for all genders.

One my my favourite YouTube vloggers, Arielle Scarcella, posted this awesome video just this past week where "Bisexual Guys Explain [liking] Men vs. Women". It was really illuminating to watch.

Another painful stereotype about bisexual men has to do with the transmission of HIV and STI's to women and this causes many women to expressly NOT date bisexual men. Women see bisexual men as risky and make assumptions about their honesty around self-reporting HIV, testing, and safe sexual practices. To those women, I like to give them a bit of a slap across the face and ask them when was the last time their cis-hetero male partner was tested. While it is true that gay and bisexual men are dis-proportionally affected by HIV, it does not stand to reason that all of these men are potentially HIV positive. Straight men can transmit HIV to their female partners too. Moreover, it's now been shown that biphobia puts bisexual men at risk for increased STI's because the stigma keeps them in the closet, and prevents them from seeking medical testing and care.

This data is from 2009 - I'd like to see an updated graph. But the story is clear...

Interestingly, the #1 issue that gay/bisexual men reported (click here for full report) wasn't around HIV (that was tied for the #2 issue with "equal rights" and "marriage equality") but rather about discrimination/stigma/lack of acceptance. This mirrors what I have seen in bisexual women's data as well. Clearly, this issue is a cause for concern as it reflects the negative health outcomes reported last September by the Movement Advancement Project. Thus, if we tackle the stigma (in both the hetero and LGBTQ2 arenas) around bisexuality, I believe that we could improve mental health and sexual health outcomes for us folks under the bi umbrella.

PRIDE is upon us

It's that time of year again. Pride. Aka Gay Christmas. Aka the time of year when folks across the rainbow spectrum come together, party/celebrate, overextend themselves under the hot sun at day/strobe lights at night, and then ultimately crash on Tuesday morning. Pride.

For many years I didn't feel entitled to be a part of Pride. I didn't attend the parade or events, I had mixed feelings about people parading their sexuality through the streets (yay, growing up Catholic), and I didn't know where I fit into the whole "celebrate your queerness thing." As a bi person growing up, I heard about Gay Pride and Lesbian Pride but absolute silence on any mention of Bi Pride. I felt that there simply wasn't a space during Pride time that I could access, belong to, or be loudly, vocally my queer self. After doing some internet research and talking to some queer folks, I realize that I am not alone in feeling this way during Pride.

Image borrowed from Bi.org's blog. But you get the idea, right?

To this day, many queer women (and men) still don't feel like there is a place for them at Pride. In 2016, the dating app HER did a survey (approx 3,000 US women responded) and found that about one third of respondents felt unwelcome/not included at Pride. This speaks volumes. LGBTQ Nation also posted a recent article about this sense of unease and exclusivity at Pride events. Pride events tend to center around white, gay, cis-male culture - this might be because of patriarchy, racism, and economic reasons that would be hard to untangle here in this blog post. Further, even though the Queer Community writ large is supposed to be this awesome all-encompassing culture of inclusion and acceptance, there's still the "leave your opposite-sex partner at home during Pride" vibe palpable in the air. If you don't believe me, check out this Tumblr post that has been making the rounds on the internet:

From the website NotAdamandSteve.com I highly recommend that you read the article in the link.

When I started dating women, I began to come out more to Pride events...especially if I was with a same-sex partner. But when I started dating Bear, I didn't feel comfortable bringing him around to Pride events - especially ones geared towards women only. But even in mixed events, I felt awkward with him there next to me. I realized that I was feeling invisible as a bi/queer woman. Holding the hand of a big, masculine, cis-gendered Bear during Pride made me look de facto straight. Something that makes my queer insides cringe.

Truth (also, I really want to fix the grammar in this to "are most of them")

Feeling invisible happens to me daily because of my personal Femme styling and because folks may know about my husband but not about Birdfriend or Yak. Being affectionate with Bear at Pride events makes me feel as though any queer participant looking at us would see a straight couple. Bear wants to be included in Pride - both as my partner but also as my ally and support. He wants to celebrate my queerness with me. Something that I find really sweet and encouraging. In past years, I kept this joint celebrating contained to Pride Sunday, a night where the entire community tends to go all out, all together. This year, I'm including Bear in some of my Saturday festivities as well (he's coming with me to his first kink event!) because I want him to feel that he is an active participant in my queer life.

I also need to do some internal work around this issue as well. This article is something that I have been mulling over the past few days and I can relate to aspects of the writer's experience. The quote below is a personal truth I hold, but I think I need to next-level this idea and realize that it expands outwards to include being queer in public space:

Because I know in my heart that I am:

And that I deserve to celebrate my queerness at Pride.

Luckily for me, I live in Vancouver where there are several events and marches that are geared to other sections of the rainbow community other than cis-male gay events. I will be marching in the Dyke March (even though I'm not a dyke) on Saturday with Birdfriend, Meerkat, and a friend. This March is one of the most important events to me at Pride as it's my only real opportunity to be seen in public as queer with my chosen family connections, lovers, and friends. I love how the Dyke March explicitly states that this event/festival is for:

Can I get a high-five? Anyways, I'm feeling more grounded and ready to integrate more fully as my whole self at Pride this year, not just the parts of me that certain members of the community want to engage with. Further, I'm avoiding/boycotting events that are corporate, white, cis-centric focused and instead spending my hard earned dollar on events that are inclusive of POC (people of colour), accessible, and open to all genders/orientations. Huzzah!