Derailed

I need to be honest...I have some major anxiety about sharing this post. Mostly, because the event that I'm going to share and the person it involves is someone well integrated into my friend group. So to our shared friends, please remember that I always try to write from a place of truth and that this is my side of the story. Also, being this person's partner is a vastly different experience than being their friend. It's also hard because I still love this person, and it's almost as if the act of writing about what happened two weeks ago makes it more real. But I also acknowledge that it's time to release this "story" from my head. To try, if at all possible, to make sense of what happened.

At the end of November, Yak and I began to have a number of challenging discussions about our relationship. Her birthday was coming up, a time of year that I know is difficult for her head-space, a time that she usually would rather be travelling alone than be the centre of attention at a party. I did my best to make her birthday party a fun, friendly, and non-pressuring type of event. She had a great time. The discussions that came in the weeks afterwards were centered around what our relationship was supposed to be, what it could be. We've been together for about two and a half years and things have shifted in both of our lives - there was more time to explore our connection's possibilities. Or at least, that's what I thought.

Which each weekly discussion, I felt that we were becoming closer. She was sharing her fears around our relationship, and I tried my best to reassure her, because I too struggle with fear from time to time in relationships; but I try to acknowledge the fear and then, let it go. After each discussion, she said (verbatim), "Wow, I feel so much better after talking to you. I feel much closer to you, like we have become more intimate." I felt the same! And then, it became clear that while I was reassuring her in these discussions, she wasn't providing me with the same kind of support. I pointed it out in the third discussion, that she wasn't letting me in. That she wasn't reassuring me about these difficult fears that we were discussing. In that moment, she realized that she was keeping me on the outs, and told me that she understood how much I needed her to try to let me in. During the next discussion, I told her that if she couldn't let me in, that I wouldn't be able to stay in the relationship. She understood and explained a fear of not being able to, but then emphatically made an agreement with me to work on our relationship. To not let fear rule what happens in our connection. That she would try to work on things with her counselor, and I with mine, and that we both didn't want the relationship to end. Like, really didn't want it to end. Holding each other, crying, hoping and wanting to stay together. It was actually a really beautiful moment. She told me that I was such an amazing partner. It made me feel a lot more stable and confident in our connection.

Yes, relationships take work and communication but I felt like we were on the right path to working towards something really great! 

I shared the gist of these conversations with Birdfriend, and they seemed pleased that Yak and I were becoming even closer. They felt that I was doing a really good job of navigating through difficult conversations with someone with anxiety and without my depression getting in the way. I felt so too. I wasn't projecting what I wanted from relationships onto her, nor was I trying to pressure Yak into being a certain way, pigeonholed into a certain kind of relationship. I was really proud of that actually.

The Wednesday in the second week of December, I invited the Yak over. I texted beforehand that I needed a break from the heavy conversations and to focus on having a nice date together. We did! We went out for dinner, made cookies, and then made really fantastically beautiful love. She slept over and although I didn't have the greatest sleep, it was really nice to see her when I opened my eyes. It was such a nice date, that what happened only five days later was completely a shock to me, right to my very core. To cut to the chase - I got dumped by Yak. She wanted a goodnight phone call on the Sunday night after our date, and somehow the conversation steered itself in a negative direction to the point that I had to just stop and ask her, "Are you breaking up with me??!" and her answer was simply "Yes."

(insert brain exploding sound here)

I felt as though she had turned tail and kicked me with her two back hooves, one squarely in my heart and the other squarely in my guts before running as far and as fast from me as she could. It hurt me so much, blindsided me to the point that I think I started to rant and rave. I know I hung up on her and had a hard cry before calling her back. I honestly don't remember much of the conversation after that point. All I know is that I was violently, uncontrollably shaking and felt nauseated. I had to reach out for immediate support among my friends (thank you Tabby and Birdfriend!) I was furious at her for ending our relationship so abruptly after all those discussions, and on the PHONE?! I felt and still feel really disrespected by her. I was her partner. And she just chucked me away!

How I'm feeling at the moment. Very apropos given that Yak is a Sagittarius, the archer.

The past two weeks I've been a physical, mental, and emotional mess. And my spirit hurts, there's no other way to describe this feeling inside of me. I don't think I've ever had a partner turn their back on me so quickly like Yak has done. I know that what happened is more a reflection on her mental and emotional state than on me. But I'm so fucking disappointed that this person that I've invested a lot into personally just couldn't be there for me, just couldn't do the work that it takes to be in a long term dynamic relationship, even though she "really wanted it to work."

Here's the thing though, Yak has been telling herself for a long time that our relationship just "won't work out" because 'poly always fails' or she's not really poly (and for the record, I was totally OK with that!) or some other reason that she didn't know how to express. It was a bit like watching this over and over for the past 10 months: 

It's hard watching the person you love be incapable of getting out of their own way. I acknowledged that it was painful for her, but that other than supporting her and being fully present with her there was nothing I could really do. That internal work was her own. Things only really shifted the week before she left for the PCT. She told me three days before she left that she was finally open to what our connection could be. And then she left for 5.5 months on that hike. We corresponded and spoke weekly on the phone, and marveled at how our connection kept growing, even from afar. When she returned we had a of month of NRE-reprised, and then things got weird after Halloween...pretty much right after I told her how excited I was to explore my relationship with her. It bothered me that she was allowed to feel excited about us but I wasn't. And then, slowly, she began pulling away, and then her premenstrual dysphoric disorder kicked in, and then those conversations started happening. And then, the rest, as they say, is history.

But I tried to not let it become history...I tried one last time to talk reason with the Yak. To bring up how we've become closer through conversation, even repeating her very words back to her. But she was as immovable as a solid steel door frozen shut in January. Nothing was getting through to her. She didn't seem to care or want to hear anything I had to say. It was more painful than I care to remember. She was just so, so cold. So final in her decision and absolutely no rationale given other than "I just don't think it's going to work." That same old mantra of hers. I tried to be the partner I usually am, holding up a mirror to reflect back what I see but she just shut me down.  I asked her if she no longer loved me and she said, "Yes, I still love you." Other than a wimpy, half-whispered apology, that was all I got. And so, I got angry with her. It's the only thing I'm not really proud of in the whole relationship. I was just so unbelievably frustrated with how she was being totally uncooperative, uncommunicative, and wasn't even kind to me, her soon-to-be-ex-partner. It was one of the worst breakups I've ever experienced, and considering what I went through with Bear, that really is saying something..................

I've spent the past two weeks crying, processing, and trying to make sense of how this amazingly dynamic, expansive, sexy, and spiritually beautiful connection died in the space of a few short weeks. My head simply cannot make sense of this other than to try and piece together what I know about Yak, her past, her personality, and mental states. It doesn't make sense no matter how I look at it. How does a person go from making an enthusiastic agreement about our partnership and then only 10 days later decide to dramatically end that relationship??? There is no logic (as far as I can see) in her actions. Her words and actions did not align, she wasn't walking her talk. And I realize now that I have lost some respect for her because she didn't act with integrity in the end. Which is a rather uncomfortable feeling, but one I need to feel to help me get over her.

Being away from Vancouver this week has been helpful for me to think about it all and get some perspective. While I just don't understand how this all went downhill so quickly, I do know that Yak is a rigid person. That is something that I was able to identify about her way of thinking while I was pacing outside this morning. Bear was too. I'm coming to the realization that I don't want to be with people who are so rigid in their thinking. Confident, self-assured, and skilled in the ways of relationships and communication for sure, but flexible in their thinking. These are the kind of people that I want to seek, find, and create new relationships with going forward. I'm blessed that Birdfriend is one such person, and I think it may be why our connection has lasted so long. I believe that I am one such person. And I deserve future partners that can meet me at my level without great personal cost.

So I make myself this vow right here and now, I am going to no longer spend my precious time and energy on people who aren't ready to love me. I know that it can be difficult to figure that out with new potential partners, but I know what it will feel like, and what it will be like. And I won't settle for anything less. I deserve someone as awesome as I am. As the wife of a friend of mine said last week, "Choose better." So I plan on doing just that. 

As for Yak, I want absolutely nothing to do with her for the time being. I am so disappointed in her and I need time and space to get over how I feel about her. I don't know if I can, or even want to be her friend in the future. Which is really fucking sad. If she had taken a different approach to ending things with me, I think friendship would've been quite possible. At this point, I don't feel that she actually deserves my friendship - not surprising given how taken for granted I feel by her. And that's OK. That may change many moons from now, and as I am a flexible person, I could be open to friendship in the future. But for now, it's not even a possibility. Until I receive a proper apology from the Yak, she's no longer welcome in my life. Harsh, but what's needed. And I'm all about doing what's needed. 

Goodbye 2018 - you gave me double heartbreak from long-term partners that wouldn't or couldn't work with me; and I'm ready to leave you and all of that behind. Time to move forward, I cannot go back. Here I go...

As the dust settles

In the past two weeks, my life has undergone a dramatic shift. New job, new home, new roommate, new transit route. All this newness comes in stark contrast after months of banging my head against the lack of change in my life. Persistence finally paid off and I was released from not only a really stressful situation at home, and the stress of not finding a home to live in, but also from the ennui of a job that I've been trying to actively move from for over a year. The dust is still settling as I unpack, purge old items, and orientate myself to my new life and new job.

Like a phoenix rising from the ashes, so too am I rising up out of the rubble of my former life. The paradigm by which I navigated my life by has slipped from my shoulders like a weighted cloak and people are taking notice in my (for lack of better word) aura. Folks that had no idea of what I've been going through have told me lately how good I looked. I've been "double-taking" at these compliments! Given all the hell that the past five months has put me through, it's rather nice being perceived as looking "good" or "together." I feel like I must look like death warmed up, but this feedback from others has been rather bolstering for my self-esteem. It gets even better when both of my partners say it to me as well - and they have been 💗. But it's more than just "looking" well, it's also about doing well. And I've received feedback from friends and partners and my counselor alike that I am "doing well" in my post-separation world.

I'm not sure what my new life will really look or be like yet...I just know that I have planted many seeds to ensure my future happiness. I have faith that the seeds I planted will sprout and grow into the life that I really want, a life that will be fulfilling and joyful. I sent the following comic strip to Birdfriend yesterday, and I think it illustrates beautifully what I'm experiencing around this creation process:

From 4amShower Comics

My counselor asked me in my last session if I was proud of myself and all the change I've managed to effect in my life over the course of a few short months. I suppose I am proud. But it hasn't really fully sunk in yet, all these changes. Or what they mean in the long run. However, I do feel a profound sense that I am, every day, in some small way, maneuvering myself closer to the best possible life for myself. My compass is pointed to happiness, that hard-to-define ephemeral feeling. I'm listening to my gut and my spirit very intently these days. If my gut and my spirit are in accordance whether to avoid a thing or actively go after a thing, I listen. And it's such a powerful practice. I'm letting go of all the things I thought that I wanted for my life - some of this process has been painful. But it's ultimately freeing for me.

Letting go of what I thought my life was supposed to be life has been my focus since Bear moved out at the end of October. The whole  "now what?" feeling overcame me for awhile as I literally "built my life around" Bear (to quote Fleetwood Mac). Just over a year ago, my plan for this year was to get pregnant and prepare for a baby. Now all of that is moot and I must prepare myself for a different kind of gestation, emergence, and delivery. One where I must midwife myself from my old life and into my new life. I'm going to use the last few weeks of this calendar year to say goodbye and mourn those parts of myself and my previous expectations for this year. I am going to write letters that I may never send, but would rather burn. I plan on crying lots. I need to. The physical release of crying will enable me to let out the grief, the frustration, the sadness, and disappointment around all things related to the dissolution of my marriage. I am giving myself as much space to feel these feelings, knowing full well that the end of this year is an arbitrary "deadline," whilst also knowing that I will continue to process and let things go for the next year to come. Grieving and letting go take time. I would like to get to the place of forgiving my spouse but I recognize that I am not there yet. I am still too angry and upset about what happened between Bear and I. But I know eventually, I will find a way to forgive. I'm not the type of person that enjoys holding on to heartache and pain.

While I'm in this space of letting go, clearing out the old, I'm not exactly ready to make space for any new romantic relationships in my life. I've had friends ask me whether my current relationships have changed status with the change in my primary relationship and the answer is no. I'm not looking to escalate either relationship at this point, nor is escalation what I want in relationships right now. I need focus on healing from my past and from my marriage ending before I can think about stepping on an escalator with anyone. That may change in the future, and I am being intentional about making space in my head for romance next year in the Spring. When I think about dating right now though, I want to run for the hills! Especially when I think about online dating, ewwwwww!

Good grief! No thank you!!!

That said, I'm still very much enjoying my time with both Birdfriend and Yak. It's nice to give both of them a bit more attention now that I've moved and have much more space in my head, and time in my schedule, to devote to them. It's sometimes hard to believe that I've been with Birdfriend for more than six years! We plan on doing something special to commemorate the anniversary, including getting D/s theme-related tattoos. Mine will be a crow or raven on my inner lower left arm (Dominant) and Birdfriend will get a "bird band" of sorts around their right ankle (submissive) in a swirling pattern of birds-in-flight. Bird bands are used to denote ownership of actual fowl, and so this tattoo is in effect a way to show my ownership of  Birdfriend in a D/s capacity. I'm looking forward to getting more ink, and to sharing this experience with Birdfriend. It will be nice to have a physical reminder of our connection that I can admire on both of our bodies. I'll post photos in a later blog.

With Yak, we have been together for almost two and a half years now. We've got a mini weekend-getaway planned in about a month for mid-January. It's good to have something planned as winter is a hard time for me (see last year's post on my S.A.D.) We will be heading to the Sunshine Coast for a few days to escape the drudgery of the rainy city and relax our muscles and rest our spirits as well. Lots of cuddles to be sure! I think it may become a bit of a January "ritual" of sorts as last January we took a similar mini weekend-getaway together. I appreciate the planning that Yak has done and I am looking forward to it!

It's nice for me to have things to look forward to after so much mental anguish and emotional pain this year. I wasn't really looking forward to much in 2018 except the return of Birdfriend and Yak from the PCT. And now that they are back, and I have moved homes and jobs, I can start to look to the future again not with fear or worry about how things will turn out, but with a sense of curiosity about the good things that might be coming my way. It's a fantastic and welcome change of scenery for my brain. I'm ready.

Change is upon us

This past week marks three months since I informed Bear of my choice to dissolve our marriage. This past weekend, Bear moved out of our shared den. Change is upon us, and things definitely feel more real now after these past few months of arguing, non-reconciliation, tip-toeing around each other, and just trying to get by. But with this move, the internal change is now shifting into the external world, and it's stirring up all sorts of emotions in both of us.

I've been experiencing very intense grief during the past few weeks. I've been crying almost every day again, and mourning what could have been with Bear. The biggest thing that I'm grieving is the loss of a potential child that we were planning for. This year was supposed to be the year that I got pregnant. It is something that I know that I want for myself, deep down inside - to give birth to one amazing human, and to raise that being well. But it is not to be with Bear, and I'm worried that it may never be as I'm nearing the ripe old age of 38. This is causing me immense emotional and spiritual pain as a woman-identified human who has always wanted to give birth, and be a parent (two different things, I know). What hurts the most is how Bear manipulated me this past year by cutting off physical intimacy to avoid getting me getting pregnant, instead of talking about his fears around parenting etc. It feels awful to have been controlled like that from within the relationship. The pain around this "child issue" is made all the more sharper by the fact that at least four of my good friends have given birth in the last year, another is pregnant now, and my Facebook and Instagram feeds have filled up with photos of babies. I just want to throw myself on the ground and cry until there's nothing left to cry. I feel emotionally wrung-out. All that said, I am glad that I'm not dragging a small child through this painful process of separation.

I feel a bit like this centre figure - all my peers are making babies and it's just me alone in the middle...

I'm in the process of drafting a letter to Bear in my head - one that focuses on appreciation, rather than on all the "things that went wrong." I want him to know that I loved him very much, and that I haven't stopped caring for him. In fact, it will be difficult for me to stop caring about him. That I understand what I did that was unhelpful in the past, that I wanted to do and be better, and that I tried really, really hard to make our marriage work. That I totally accept that we are separating with the intent to divorce. That I'm really fucking sad that this happened to us, and that we hurt each other so badly. It's this last statement that has been looping around in my head recently.

This is one of the few metaphors that captures what I'm feeling. It feels a bit like a star going supernova - getting denser, heavier, darker, until it finally collapses inwards and explodes. That's what it feels like inside my brain these days...

Something that Bear has aimed at me during a fight the other week was "how I wanted this" separation. I need to be crystal clear here, I did not want this. I didn't want my marriage to the spouse I chose to make vows to, to implode the way it did. I did not want to hurt Bear, nor to have Bear retaliate in pain, nor for our communication to break down on both ends the way it did. I did NOT want this!!! I tried very hard to stop this from happening, but it was out of my control. I begged and pleaded for Bear to go with me to couples counselling, and he refused until I finally broke down and my heart couldn't take it anymore. He didn't realize until too late how that was the point where he should have taken action in our relationship and done the work with me. Relationships go both ways, not just one way...and I'm tired of being made out to be the bad guy in this scenario because I'm the one who ended it. We are both responsible for what happened between us. And to have a positive, civil, and fruitful relationship in future, we need to drop the blame and be fair. We can have compassion for each other in how we are hurting, but no more rehashing (and revising) the past. It is time to move forward. Even if the steps are painful and slow...

My separation with Bear is affecting my other two relationships as well. Whatever you do to one part of the polycule web, affects the entire web of connections. Last week, I went to Birdfriend's house on our usual after work hangout/date day and I more or less just collapsed myself at their kitchen table after I took off my outerwear. They looked at me and sighed, "Oh dear!" and then I gave them my current "status update" of the tough situation that is my life right now. Birdfriend has been very supportive and has been very compassionate as I share my sadness with them. They have been validating my experience and also reminding me that it's ok to be sad about the loss. Bear and I did have something special, real, and beautiful for many years. Birdfriend is able to see the entire picture, because they've been in relationship with me the entire time that I was with Bear. It is very helpful to have someone who knows "the whole story." With Yak, I've been crying a lot, sharing many thoughts and feelings, and she's been holding me, and holding space for me - which is such a gift. However, I feel like I'm a huge burden on both of my partners - and an emotionally needy one at that. I sometimes feel like pulling my energy back from both of them, to protect them from the shitshow that is me right now. I know that I've been projecting some of my anxious thoughts onto Yak, and that isn't fair. I feel like my partners must see me as a dramatic cry-baby that they don't want around them (even though I know that's just my anxious brain talking). I sometimes wonder if it would be better to just keep to myself and tell them that I'll come back to them when things have settled. Whenever that is...but that isn't really the best thing for me to do either. I tend to push people away from me when I need them the most. And I know that I need the two of them now. I'm just feeling guilty about how I am right now. I'm a bit embarrassed. And I feel incredibly lost, like I'm not sure where I am even though the shell of my body is here. Birdfriend reminds me that these feelings are indicative of depression and isolating behaviours, and reminds me to stay mindful in those moments when I just want to hide and curl into the smallest ball my body can make and cover myself with a blanket.

I've been through so much loss and pain in the past ten years, I sometimes wonder if it's my "normal" state of being. I've lost and reclaimed myself so many times. But now, I'm tired. So incredibly tired. I'm trying to be more gentle with myself as I process this big change and take each day as it comes. Some days I can step back and be more mindful, like the comic strip below, but more often that not, I'm completely overwhelmed by the sheer intensity of my situation.

I don't know what is going to happen in future in either of my relationships, or if I will date others and start more relationships. Everything is up in the air at the moment - my life is a snow-globe turned upside-down, and I am riding out the swirls and eddies as different aspects float past me. I hope to stay grounded during this time of immense transition and I try to feel hopeful that my future will be positive. But mostly, I have no idea how things are going to shake out, and I just have to believe that they will work out for the best.

Slowly going mad

OK, it's official - I've hit my personal limit...... In the past few weeks, I've been struggling with the ugliness of the news cycle around the Kavanaugh hearings, and the ongoing stressors around finding affordable housing in my city. I feel as though I'm slowly going mad. Memories that I thought where long put to bed have come back to the forefront of my mind. It's hard to process all that is happening in the external world, when there is so much going on in my internal world.

I have been expending what feels like extraordinary amounts of energy to simply get through each day. I know that I've written before about my exhaustion, but things haven't improved from those previous writings, and I'm worn down by the attrition of daily life coupled with the multitude of challenges I'm facing. Housing is a basic human right, and yet my search (which has encompassed talking to everyone I know and even perfect strangers about room-mating, online searches, and endless self-promotion) has so far been fruitless. I'm starting to really fear that I won't find somewhere for me and my cat to live. Especially since Bear has already found alternative housing. It's keeping me up at night! And the lack of sleep is really messing with my cognitive and emotional equilibrium. To help me voice my concerns and to also let other folks in the city know about my plight, I have posted my first ever video to YouTube. And then I shared the video (below) to my Facebook wall, and another group that discusses the housing challenges of our city. My desperation is real...I even said to a coworker the other day, "Who do you have to blow in this city to get housing??!! Because I will gladly get on my knees if it means finding a place to live." She laughed, but I was almost not kidding. It is that bad.

Autumn is upon us and I can feel my depression starting to deepen as the light disappears from our northern hemispheric skies. I've upped my dose of antidepressants to help me adjust to oncoming S.A.D., but honestly, these days just getting up to go to work takes a lot of spoons. I just want to go back to bed, pull the covers over my head, and shut out the outside world. But that doesn't solve the issue, it just delays the anxiety for a little while until it comes right back around, louder and meaner than the first time. Yay, Mental Health Awareness Week.

Hide Away by *B1nd1 on deviantART

Big breath in and out.

Now, turning to the Kavanaugh senate hearings and the testimony of Dr. Blasey Ford (news sources have been dropping her Dr. title as a way to disrespect and discredit her). As a survivor of sexual assault and rape, the news in the past few weeks has been incredibly triggering for me to read and hear about. Memories that I have actively repressed have come right to the surface. Every day, every headline was injurious to read. And then came the day that Dr. Ford had to testify before the senate judiciary hearing committee. I couldn't bring myself to watch the whole thing but I did feel it was important to listen to Dr. Ford's opening statement. And wow, was she ever able to keep herself composed even while sharing some of the most painful and scary memories of her life. Anyone listening to her understood that she had been through something godawful. Hell, even president Drumph himself said that she came across as a very credible witness (until he was told to change his tune and go back to supporting that rapist Kavanaugh). Even Fox News seemed to believe her testimony.

Dr. Ford shares her emotional testimony 

Kavanaugh's response was spastic, angry, and conspiratorial. His repetition of, "I like beer," was almost comical if it weren't for the fact that he was using his position of entitlement to make a case. And then, after a brief and rather pathetic FBI investigation into the allegations, the senate confirmed Kavanaugh's nomination to the Supreme Court - the highest judicial body in the USA. And everyone - and I mean everyone - who has ever been a victim of sexual violence lost their shit. Dr. Ford and her family have received numerous death threats, and they've had to move five times already just to stay safe! I simply cannot bear to think that in 2018, an intelligent, honest, and credible woman had her life destroyed again by a piece of shit, entitled, white hetero cis-male who gained even more power at the end of the day. My mind cannot comprehend this miscarriage of justice! All I have been saying in my head for days is "This is RAPE CULTURE in action" and I fear for all those young people growing up in a world where is has happened and is considered OK. How do we explain to younger generations what happened here? What kind of entitled, paternalistic society are we allowing to flourish in the 21 Century? The president added insult to injury when he apologized to Kavanaugh for his "pain and suffering" on the day he was sworn in. Even on Facebook, there's way more apparent support for Kavanaugh, just look at this snip of some of the groups related to him:

The first group, "Confirm Kavanaugh" has more than 10, 000 members!!! Who are these people???

I am in a rage over all this. #Metoo was about holding men accountable, but instead it's being spun as a witch hunt against the hetero, white cis-male establishment. It sickens me to my core.

I am so grateful to news anchors like Trevor Noah who took to the airways to talk about how Drumph uses the Weaponization of Victimhood to continue to back POS like Kavanaugh. Please, if you haven't watched Trevor's monologue, click that link! Stephen Colbert has also had some good interviews with several guests (I'm looking at you, Lady Gaga!) to help understand what happened, and John Oliver continues to lead the pack with his trending work on #feminism. And Samantha Bee is killing it with her monologues! I am also grateful for writers like this one, who help explain to people why so many (specifically) women are so furious with the Kavanaugh appointment confirmation. And to the law students who have been walking out in protest of this appointment. And to Anita Hill, for weighing in on a subject that she (unfortunately) knows so much about. And to singers like this woman, who are setting the record straight and encouraging Americans to go out and vote in the midterm elections:

What does the USA have to do we me, a Canadian? Well, whatever toxic waste is in our basement, it has started to seep into the foundations of our country. We cannot simply ignore what is happening to the south. Especially when a Drumph-esque politician has recently come to power in Ontario (what happened over there??!!!) We need to dismantle the structures of rape culture:

TRIGGER WARNING: descriptions of my sexual assaults and rape follow

And as a survivor, many memories of sexual assault and rape have come flooding to the forefront of my thoughts after listening to Dr. Ford's testimony. I'd like to share some of these "events" with you to show how prevalent they are for women, and perhaps to understand me more?

The first time that I remember being assaulted, I was 13 and in grade 7. I had a crush on a boy that was in my grade and in the school play with me. He knew that I was interested in him. During one of our rehearsals, he grabbed me by the throat and held me against a wall. None of the other kids stopped him. I frantically tried to get away from him because I couldn't breathe. I was afraid that I would pass out from the lack of air, or even worse, that he would accidentally kill me. Eventually, he let go of my throat and laughed, thinking it was hilarious. There were many other kids milling about backstage of the rehearsal. No one intervened. No one said anything. I never told anyone about it until now.

The second time I was 15 or 16, drunk, and hanging out with my friends. We called one of my coworkers over to hang out and we all ran around outside in the rain. Afterwards, he dropped us off at my friend's house to save us the walk back as the rain had worsened into a thunderstorm. He didn't let me out of the car though and locked my door. He sexually assaulted me and I just sat in the car seat frozen in total shock. Eventually, my friends came and got me out of the car... I later told my boyfriend what happened, he believed me at first but after talking to his (guy) friends, he dumped me. I was tainted goods. 😡 And heartbroken and traumatized to boot. I felt so abandoned by the person who was supposed to be on "my side." To say nothing of how difficult it was to have to go back to working with my assailant.

The next time, I was 19 and it was my birthday party. I invited a coworker who I had a crush on over. He brought a few of friends and some booze, and I didn't think anything of it. If thought that I was safe in my own home, I was wrong. The coworker was very inebriated and much stronger than me when he cornered me in my sister's bedroom very late into the night and tried to force himself on me. I told him that I didn't want to have sex, but he didn't listen. He kept going. I got away from him and ran to the bathroom, but he chased after me. He forced himself on me again in the bathroom as I twisted and turned and tried to flee. I was raped in my own home during my own 19th birthday party. I went to the youth health clinic a couple days later where they checked me over and suggested that I report the rape. I didn't report the rape because I was scared, and part of me felt responsible for it happening (even though I know it's not the truth). I didn't really run into that rapist at work again, but I did run into him at a party, which was super traumatizing for me and I had to leave early.

The next time, it was around Halloween the year I was 19 years old (so about 10 months after my birthday rape). I went out with my boyfriend, a 28 year old guy, and some of his friends to a party in the East Side warehouse district. I had a great night and had planned to sleep the night at my boyfriend's house. He had a friend also crashing on the couch there as well. My boyfriend had gotten very drunk that night, and was impossible to sleep next to with his flailing limbs and snoring, and drunken sleep-talking. His roommate wasn't home, so I decided to camp out in her room for the night. In the middle of the night, his friend came into the roommate's room and began to remove the sheets from the bed until my body was exposed. Then he tried to strip off my panties...all while I was still asleep!!! I woke up part way through, freaked out, and tried to fight him off. I kicked him square in the face, and that finally made him stop. In the morning, I told my boyfriend what happened, but he was too hungover to really understand what had transpired. Later, his friend told my boyfriend and his entire circle of friends how I had "wanted it" and that I'm just a "dumb young slut." The sad part is, my boyfriend actually believed his lying, shit-bag of a friend. I was in shock, crushed, and numbly stayed with this asshole of a boyfriend for another six months. Man, all of those sexual assaults really took their toll on my self-esteem. 😢

The last time, I was about 21 years old and I was at a fraternity party on my university campus. I had been drinking and was in a flirty mood. I messed around with a guy and had a good time with him. I went back inside the frat house trying to find the friend that I came to the party with but couldn't find her. I went down a dark hall that was crowded with men, saying that I was looking for my friend. One of the men led me into a room. I told him that I didn't want to have sex, that I was looking for my friend. He thought that I was looking for sex regardless, why else would I walk down that dark hallway? I was pressured into having sex with this stranger, but used a condom for harm-reduction purposes. When I reported it to the RCMP, they called me a liar and completely re-traumatized me. During the police report filing, I discovered that my assailant had given me a fake name, and to make matters worst the frat stonewalled the police and tried to discredit me. "Bros before hos" to the end. When I received help from WAVAW on campus, my story brought about an initiative for all campus RCMP members to have sensitivity training for dealing with sexual assault survivors. Every member except for the one who interviewed me took the training. She (she!) flat-out refused the training. It was a punch in the gut. I told friends of mine what happened and they told me that what happened wasn't rape because I gave the dude a condom. I'm sorry, but if you are trapped in a dark room, in a building you don't know, with a stranger who is much bigger and stronger than you, and you can't get away...don't you think that still counts as rape/assault? Why split hairs over this? I lost some friends over this - many of them were women friends that I had known for years. I just don't understand the lack of solidarity amongst women sometimes.

These are the "major" sexual assaults that I have dealt with in my lifetime. You'll notice they're all perpetrated by men, and I knew all of them except the frat boy. But as a petite, pretty femme, I have experienced a myriad of other micro and macro sexual aggressions in my lifetime, and I simply cannot list them all here. But I am not alone in my experiences, sadly. I am not a victim of what happened to me, I am a survivor. And I cannot tolerate anyone who thinks that bringing a rapist or sexual predator to justice is a bad thing. We can no longer gloss over the aggressions of white males in our society. You'll also notice that most of my assaults involved alcohol use, and this is a well-documented substance used for sexual assault and rape:

For the longest time, I thought that these assaults and rapes were my fault. I had internalized rape culture - that I was somehow responsible for these men crossing my boundaries to hurt and injure me for their own gain, amusement, enjoyment, ego boost etc. Through extensive counselling, honest discussions, and self-exploration, I have managed to heal from these trespasses. But I will never forget them. And I know that Dr. Ford won't either. I'm not afraid of these memories anymore. They do not define me. And yes, I'll have to probably continue to work on healing my heart, my sexuality, and my mind when it comes to sex - especially sex with men. I've noticed that I am no longer sexually interested in men. Part of it is the fallout of my marriage and separation from Bear, but another part of it is that my interest in men has begun to fade since the #metoo campaign began. I don't know if I'll want to have sex with a man again, the jury is out on that. But I know that I am not in any kind of hurry to go and explore that with any guy at the moment. I love my male friends, especially the woke ones, but dating/sex is off the table for me until further notice.

Thanks for reading and witnessing me.

A Day of Celebration

I'm cozied up in my bed right now, drinking cider from a stoneware mug and reminiscing on more than two years of blogging here in this section of cyberspace. I recall how much trepidation I had about starting this writing project. How I didn't want to be just another white woman with a blog blah blah blah. How I was encouraged to use my voice anyways, how I learned to be a better ally to QTIPOC folx , how important it is to share stories, and to make space to listen to each other. While blogging can sometimes feel like a one-way conversation, I do get feedback mostly on Facebook and through FB Messenger, and I hear all of you! And what I hear is how similar our shared experiences are. No matter our gender, background, age, beliefs... And it gives me hope to carry on. Not just with writing this blog, but with living. And that, dear readers, is an amazing gift that you've given me. Thank you from the bottom of my heart!

Today is also Bisexual (and Pansexual) Visibility Day! It happens to also be the 20th anniversary of this day! So many celebrations today! The first one was held in Johannesburg, South Africa in Sept 1999.

If you want to know about the history of Bisexual Awareness and Visibility campaigns, I highly suggest that you check out Bisexual History on Facebook. Their writers have a thorough catalogue of all things historically bi!

As I said last year, I identify as Queer - this is partly because I feel like its a better descriptor for me than bi or pan and it also comes with a political bent to it. More and more people understand what queer means now, but sometimes I come across a person that isn't aware that the word has been reclaimed by the community (Qmmunity!) In fact, my city apparently had a bit of an ethical debate over using the term Year of the Queer for the annual Pride festivities. From the article:

And I feel the same as Osmel, that reclaiming the word Queer is an act of power. The word cannot be used against me because I joyously use it to describe myself .😄

However, when people are unaware of what queer means, I often revert to using the term bi because most folx understand what that means (with some rather unhealthy stereotypes thrown in). But then again, this meme captures what often happens:

In fact, it's kind of happened to me in my own home... During one of our fights, Bear accused me of changing sexualities. That is, he shouted/asked me if I told my mother that I am no longer attracted to men. This really bothered me. I may be more of a 4 than a 3 on the Kinsey Scale (if you subscribe to such outdated models of sexuality) but I am still attracted to men. I'm just no longer attracted to him. I still find men attractive, but I'm not looking to start anything new with anyone. No matter what their gender.

Pretty awesome shot of what looks like a falcon or corvid with a yak. From this Flickr account.

 I'm starting to "prepare myself" for the return of Birdfriend and Yak. It's hard to believe that they've been gone for more than five months, out in the wilderness, and hiking more than 2600 miles of the PCT. We've been writing and sending packages to each other, which has made their absence easier to bear. Plus all those messenger chats and video calls - I really appreciate the effort these two have made to stay in contact with me over the miles. And now there's less than a week until they return home! It feels a little unreal. In some ways, I don't feel "ready" for their return. I've had to stuff many of my thoughts and feelings into jars and shelve them for later consideration. But it's been hard to make space for that with all the apartment hunting, selling of my possessions, and cleaning my current residence because it's for sale and my landlady is aggressively showing it to prospective buyers. Then you add ongoing emotional abuse at home and you can understand when I say that my stress level is rather HIGH.

That said, I'm really looking forward to seeing the two of these beasts again! I miss them more than words can say. I am looking forward to reconnecting with my D/s energy again. I have definitely felt the absence of power play and the feel of heated flesh under my palm after giving a good spanking...I know that Birdfriend is also looking forward to reconnecting through play as well. It's been weird for me, sitting out all the kink parties all summer. And Yak....I am looking forward to all the cuddles, laughter, and spiritual connection that being with her brings. I worry that I may turn into a sobbing mess when I seem them both again, like when Birdfriend and Yak left, but I think not somehow. I think that I'm just ready for them to come home. Ready to have them physically near me again, in three dimensions, not just two. I'm organizing them a wee onesie/pj party to celebrate their return. So excited for cuddles!!! I know that all three of us are cuddle-deprived (for various reasons), so it'll be good to have my oxytocin tank refilled. It's damn near empty...

A sweet card that Birdfriend sent me from Oregon. So much love and cuddles!

Let's talk about Mental Health

Since I was in my mid-teens, I've suffered from depression. It's a kind of low-grade, background noise most of the time...something I can drown out with a busy life, keeping my living quarters tidy, and writing. For the past nine or so years though, it's become a louder sound, and much harder to drown out through external world controls. It's like my depression used to be the sound of distant waves on the beach, and slowly, somehow over time I'm standing right next to the shore, and the waves are lapping at my feet. I sometimes feel the suck and pull of the ocean of sadness, wanting to tow me under, and the seductive feel of letting go...

Today is

or so Facebook told me. I've been wanting to write another blog about what's going on in my head, and today seemed like a rather appropriate day to do so. Especially after the epic fight that Bear and I had yesterday.

Depression is an illness that runs in my biological family - my grandfather had it, my uncle had it, my aunt has it, my half-sister has it, and I have it. I do believe in the power of genetics, especially given that I am adopted and my adoptive family doesn't have depression scattered all the way through. When it first came on in my teen years, it was such a bewildering sensation. It seemed to originate from a deep pervasive feeling that I wasn't good enough. I have different hypotheses as to why I felt that way, but for sure, puberty coupled with my father becoming an alcoholic definitely had much to do with it.

As the years went on, I felt bouts of depression come and go but I was mostly able to manage it with some counseling and goal-setting. Until my car accidents... Between November 2009 and May 2011, I experienced three car accidents. The last one, I was actually a cyclist that was struck by a car making an illegal turn at one of the most dangerous intersections in my city (Burrard & Pacific, right before the bridge). These accidents (especially the last one) have altered the way my body functions forever. I know, because it's been 9 years and I'm still in pain and have limitations to how much I can work, and the kind of work I can perform. The sense of personal loss after multiple injuries is something that is hard to describe. It's devastating. It's demotivating. It's terrifying. It's lonely as hell. And you never know how much of your body's functionality you are going to get back. So having faith in the process was difficult.

Almost five years ago, I lost my 19-month old nephew in a horrific car accident a week before Christmas. That loss has affected my family so deeply, we are still grieving to this day. The death of my nephew was senseless, I kind of lost my mind after he died. I couldn't understand how the world could take away such a young kid, before he really had a chance to taste life. And then in September 2014, while I was away traveling in Europe, I found out that my biological uncle (whom I had never met) had committed suicide in his remote cabin in the woods in Ontario. Then, only seven months later, in April 2015, my dad passed away from cancer caused by his alcoholism/addiction to cigarettes. My depression became a tsunami, that swallowed me whole after that. I couldn't focus enough to be effective at work, and so I took three months off to grieve my dad and to try and get my head "in order." It would be accurate to say that I have depression with compounded grief and PTSD trauma from those car accidents and previous sexual assaults. I started taking an antidepressant, starting going to counseling more regularly, focused on doing things that were good for me and let my emotions flow freely so that I wouldn't get somatic problems (aka what my RMT calls "issues in my tissues").

How depression feels to me a lot of the time. Like I am a condensed ball of human flesh, with all the sadness and madness written into my skin for all to see (and judge).

Three years later, I'm through my grief for my dad, and now I'm grieving the loss of my primary relationship. This loss, coupled with some financial woes (f-u Phoenix!) has caused my depression to spiral in the past few months. Plus, not having the major support of my two other relationships around me has made this summer rather hellish in my head. I have been thinking some really dark thoughts lately. It's not an easy thing to admit, let alone to write about and publish online. But it is my reality. And it's awful let me tell you. Living with these thoughts rolling around in my brain is uncomfortable and scary. I have to check my thoughts often and, as in meditation, watch them and try not to judge them, and hopefully let them sail on by. But sometimes, as when ships get caught in a storm, the thoughts cannot be controlled. Sometimes, I am not able to get a hold of the steering wheel and right the ship. Sometimes, I have to let my thoughts pitch and roll over the bubbling sea of my mind and I just have to hang on as hard as I can. Sometimes, I can find my voice and ask for help. Other times, I just cry and cry and feel so exhausted by life. So exhausted by existing. And utterly alone.

That's the worst part about depression, I think. How alone it makes you feel. That loneliness creates a feeling of isolation so complete that death seems like the obvious next step. Which is horrifying. But it's how the depressed brain often thinks. I recall telling my co-workers last year about how when I'm depressed, that I feel like no one in the world at all cares about me. The coworkers promptly changed the subject. Because it was an uncomfortable thought. But it's so real for me. And I just wanted to feel less alone, but changing the subject just made me feel more alone. Readers, if you truly want to make a depressed person feel better, hold their hand and tell them this:

What's been extremely difficult in my primary relationship is that my mental health has been used against me by Bear in arguments. Something that is not only unfair, but also extremely emotionally abusive. My mental health became the main "reason" why we didn't have a child together - something I'm equally happy and sad about. Happy because I'm not subjecting a small child to this separation. Sad because I actually really want to be a mother. It's one thing to have fear about a possible unknown future event, it's another thing to let that fear to control when and if things happen in a relationship. His fear around my depression and suicidal thoughts created a sense of shame in me for being the way I was. But more over, it has became clear that he "cannot handle my mental health issues" (his words, not mine).  And so, I've had to create a boundary now whereby my mental health is no longer a topic up for discussion. I need to feel respected by my partner, no matter if I'm having a good mental health day, or I'm crying in the bathtub and don't know if I can make it through the day. For some good tips on how to support a partner with a mental illness, click here. And remember, having a mental illness is not an excuse to treat someone you love poorly either. Respect goes both ways...

If you are suffering from depression or another mental illness, I personally want to assure you that you are NOT alone. The hardest thing to do is reach out for help, but I promise you that reaching out is not only the thing you MUST learn to do, it is a life-saving action. What I've learned is that many people I know and love have some kind of mental illness or have experienced bouts of it at some point or other in their lives. People do understand, and more and more, workplaces are taking note and providing Employee Assistance Programs (EAPs) and offering training on mental wellness and resiliency. Stigma for mental illness is being tackled with promotional materials, billboards, and days like today, where we as a world acknowledge that suicide is a reality for humanity, and we need to reduce stigma, educate ourselves and each other, and support those who need support. If you need help right now, please reach out for support:

Province-Wide British Columbia, BCCrisis 24 hrs: 1-800-SUICIDE (1-800-784-2433)
http://www.crisislines.bc.ca

And remember, now and always:

From the Sad Ghost Club

Much love to you all.

No-One's Land

Fox and Bear face-off 

It's been over a month since I had "the talk" with Bear about my decision to separate. The actual talk was awful - I won't go into detail because it's not really anyone's business - but let's just say that literally all the things that I was worried about regarding Bear's reaction came true. Which was really painful (not to mention, extremely disappointing) to experience, let me tell you. It's a rather intense thing, making the decision to separate from one's spouse. Then communicating that decision to your spouse is another, even more intense thing. But the spousal reaction/response to the decision, well, that is next level intensity.  I had so much anxiety about relaying my decision to Bear. It made it difficult to be around him, during that weird time when I knew but he didn't... I worked with my counsellor to realize that there is a time and place for these conversations, and that it was OK for me to bring up this decision when we weren't at a festival etc. Still, the anxiety inside my body kept me up at night, put knots in my belly whenever I thought about having "the talk."

I actually have had this moment, where I took off my wedding ring and felt so lost and unhappy...

I waited until we were back from the annual Burn in the Forest event to have the conversation. To say that Bear took it badly would be an understatement. The only way I can describe it is that he projected all sorts of horrible things at and onto me in a fit of defensiveness and without a doubt, made me the bad guy in this situation. He simply did not want to hear me. He was in severe pain, I could tell. But being in pain is NOT an excuse or a pass for treating anyone so poorly. I felt awful, inflicting pain onto this person that I have been with for more than six years of my life. I hate, hate, hate hurting people that I care about. It tears me up inside! But my need for self-preservation trumped just "sticking it out" in a marriage that wasn't working for me.

What do I mean by self-preservation? Well, I could feel a hollowing-out of my personal identity. I felt an actual loss of sense of self. Like I was actually disappearing as a person. Which, after some Google searching, seems to actually be rather common - especially for women. I was giving so much that parts of myself started to slide away. I just knew deep inside of me that if I stayed, there would be nothing left of me. It was so incredibly painful to experience. Some days I felt resignation - that this would be the way my marriage would always feel. Other days I rejected it and and know that I shouldn't have to give up being me to be with him, and that he loves me for me. But the erosion of my sense of self continued it's painful progress. It felt a bit like this painting:

Self Portrait, "Disappearing" by artist Adrienne Stein.

During the past five weeks, I've been navigating an emotional minefield at home. Home is no longer a place to simply be and relax. It truly is a no-one's land where each of us is huddled in our own "bunkers," occasionally wandering into the breach for talks that sometimes escalate into fights. Thus, I have been somewhat hiding from my spouse and trying focus instead on my cat and things that I need to do for my own well-being. Bear hides in his room as well, often shutting the door so that he doesn't have to see me. It's so isolating and strange considering that only a few months ago we were still hanging out and getting along OK. It's also strange because I've been with this person for six years - my longest relationship to date - and it feels alien to be in the same space and yet not really coexist (if that makes sense).

Bear has been alternating between being a charging grizzly bear who is unable to be respectful towards me, and a Winnie-the-Pooh-esque platonic version of his former "normal" self. This platonic version of him actually sets my mind to overthinking - is he in denial that this separation is happening? Is he being nice because he realizes being rude/aggressive doesn't elicit the response he wants? Has he realized that I deserve to be treated with respect despite the fact that I've broken his heart? Is he trying to win me back? I have no idea what is going on with him, and I don't feel like I'm able to ask without being subjected to more emotional abuse. It's rather difficult to maneuver in this situation when I never know which version of Bear I'm going to get. I'm experiencing somewhat of a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde situation. It makes me deeply sad that this person that I was in love with and built my life around would treat me so poorly. Talk about a mind-fuck! I've even instituted a count (in my head) of how many days it's been since I was last yelled at. Kind of like one of these in the workplace:

One of the sources of these fights is this blog... Bear does not like that I share what's going on with the world: "at least I'm not broadcasting our break-up all over the internet!!!" Well, I want to take a moment and address this statement for a moment. Another friend of mine (and member of my extended polycule/queer family), Moose, shared his concerns with me about my sharing the break-up here on this blog. His perspective is that, it's private and doesn't concern anyone else. OK, fair, and I do see how Bear feels the same way. But then Moose went on to say, "but this is YOUR blog, and it's obviously been healthy for you to share what's been going on." And it's true, sharing this information actually does help me process the here-and-now. The other reason why I share here on this blog is, well, it's a blog about relationships! And my life! Plus, I understand the value of stories. My story is your story. We are all connected. I'm sure there are readers who have read my past few blog posts and have been nodding their heads in self-recognition with my words.

It's now been two weeks since I last had emotionally abusive words hurled in my direction. For which, I am VERY grateful. Holding myself in a kind of ongoing state of readiness (fight/flight/freeze) has been rather exhausting for me. I'm depleted so easily these days. People keep asking me how I'm doing. "Fine" is all I really feel like saying some days because I have nothing but a long-winded, complicated answer to that perfectly simple, straightforward question. And often, I don't think these folks actually want to know what's really going on with me.

Depression has hit me hard during this time of immense transition, and I am definitely grieving this loss of relationship. I'm grieving the loss of my best friend, lover, spouse, confidante, key support person, activity partner, and cuddle buddy. I'm losing my home. I'm losing stability. I'm saying goodbye to something that only a year + ago I thought I was saying hello to for a long time. I'm financially struggling and affordable housing seems to be out of reach for me at the moment. More than anything, I wish that I could grieve all this loss with Bear. I wish that we could talk and hold one another, and cry together and know that we loved each other well. That we did our best. That although our marriage has "failed," that all the love, time, care, and memories do count for something - that there were successes in our relationship too. Although we are parting, what we had was valuable, educational, and will be sorely missed. I'm bouncing through the various stages of grief and seem to oscillate between madness, depression, acceptance, disengagement etc.

Remember folks, grief is not linear!

It's a weird time to be in my head. I'm sure it's a weird time to be around me right now as well. Many of you have asked me, "what can I do to make your situation better?" Well....here's a handy list: offer me hugs/cuddles; offer to help me pack up my things for my upcoming move; offer to take me out for a drive; offer to buy me lunch or dinner; invite me to go for a walk in the evenings; invite me to low-cost or no-cost events and outings; help me search for housing; help me move when the time comes; tell me that I'm doing/looking/being awesome especially when I'm feeling like a hopeless, lost, loser; remind me that this too shall pass even if I try to take a swipe at you; make me laugh with silly memes; bring me chocolate; make me things from your own hands; tell me that I'm going to get through this, not only intact, but stronger and smarter than before. Your words and actions really matter during this tough time. More than many of you may know...

Thanks for reading.