So last Friday, I wrote up the majority of a blog post, and then the internet ate it. No, really. I was so annoyed, I couldn't bring myself to try and re-write the post and decided to leave it for another week.
I've been away - to the north island of New Zealand, to be exact - and since I've been back, I've been waiting to extend the feeling of vacation time into my normal day-to-day. Hence, why I haven't been active on this blog for about a month...
For anyone who knows me, they know that I love to travel. Especially by myself. But this time, I went travelling with my Birdfriend, and we had a great adventure together.
It was interesting travelling with Birdfriend, especially since I know that most people weren't sure how to "read" us. We decided early on in our trip to tell people that we are "friends" travelling together. This was partly due to safety (sometimes you just don't know how safe a place is for queer folk) and partly due to the hassle of having to explain the nature of our relationship to others. A few times we were read as a couple. Other times, I think people weren't really sure how to read us. And still, other times we blew peoples' minds around relationships when we opened up about our poly connection. In general, we toned down our relationship as a way to ensure that we would be safe in public and the hostels.
A Birdfriend's eye-view of a trail outside of Taupo, NZ.
It was also the first time that I've been openly queer in my travels. Other times I would not self-disclose and let other travellers think whatever it was they wanted to believe about me. This time, I just didn't care as much. We weren't overly obvious in our affections in public, but to anyone who paid attention, it was clear that we were more than "just friends."
This trip was really good for the relationship I have with Birdfriend. We found time to talk out some really difficult and painful conversations that we have had a hard time discussing back at home. We also found ways to move through some really weird moments and I think that we both feel more solid and grounded in our connection as a result. The trip confirmed our ability to work collaboratively as a team and it confirmed our heart and D/s connection. For my part, and I think the Birdfriend feels similarly, I feel that this trip deepened my connection to Birdfriend.
It was interesting for me to be seen as openly queer in public as well. I get read as straight on the regular, so it was interesting how I was being perceived in relationship to Birdfriend... I'm sure some people weren't sure if I was queer or not, when Birdfriend is so obviously queer...
Under the rainbow...
I was grateful that New Zealand has progressive LGBTQ policies and is a safe place to travel as a queer person. Especially since in many countries it is illegal for women to be queer. It was also fun to notice other queer couples around, including the American girls we met in Taupo who were awesome to hang out with. And the Auckland Pride festival was gearing up while we were there, so it felt like a positive time to be queer and travelling in New Zealand.
I have lots more blog content to write, so I'm going to sign off for now. Safe journeys everyone!
I have wanted to write this post for some time - several months in fact. I have slowly collected my thoughts, some photo/video/cartoon supportive content, and have drafted the prose in my head over and over. And still, I find trepidation in typing out these words.
This Body of Mine
From July 2015 on Wreck beach. Photo credit: my Bear!
Like many women (and men) who don't fit the physical standard of beauty, I have struggled with my body. Like many folks who live with chronic pain and illness, I have struggled with my body. Like many people with mental illness, I have struggled with my body. Like many survivors of sexual abuse, I have struggled with my body. Like many people who have been exposed to intense grief, I have struggled with my body. And I'm tired of all that struggle.
This past year I've had some fairly frustrating health problems that have exacerbated some chronic pain and other conditions. I had a broken foot for 19+ weeks, and out of nowhere I developed a bunch of allergies. These two things have meant that my health and fitness for the past year hasn't been great. I've gained weight, I'm often rashy from my allergies, and my digestion is off. I've starting taking steps to address these issues, but some of them are outside of my control (hello scent allergies!) To boot, I've lost one parent to cancer and watched the other one go through chemotherapy this past year. So add stress to that equation and you get a more fulsome picture of what I've been dealing with.
To find a way forward through all these health issues, I've been focusing my energy on trying to be more body positive. I know there are lots of positive affirmations, websites, and support groups for folks but I think that body positivity is personal and means something different to different people. Here's some examples that I've come across lately that have helped me gain some perspective:
1. Meet the underweight model that the fashion industry considers "too big" and her campaign to raise awareness about eating disorders etc.
4. This video about learning to love one's cellulite:
I started to think about ways that I could be more supportive of myself and my body as I went through these health challenges. I started with my thoughts - how can I better think about my curvaceous bod? This cartoon came across my Facebook feed yesterday and it made me feel better. I've got no sharp edges on me either. I'm soft and cute, a bit short in height, but hey, it's me. Not anyone else!
Ani DiFranco famously wrote that her "body is borrowed/I got it on loan from the time in between/my mom and some maggots..." and that she has "highways for stretch marks/see how I've grown..." (from My I.Q.) These lyrics remind me of the ephemeral nature of our own bodies, and mine in particular. And it reminds me of the connection of our bodies with our mother's bodies.
Since I've been conscious of my weight from a young age (I can still hear my adoptive mom's voice telling me to "watch that spare tire" of mine), being able to love my curves has been difficult for me. My adoptive mom and sister are both the typical Irish body types: thin, pretty, with wide breeder hips and big boobs, but almost no body fat to speak of. Think Molly Malone from Dublin. When I met my biological mom and half-sister, I felt so validated. Finally, people with my body type! We talk about how our curves sometimes get in the way (I accidently butt-checked someone today!) and how clothing is hard to find for us tiny shouldered/short-waisted/big round butt types. They make me feel more at home in my body and that having a body like mine can be "normal."
Beyond changing how I think about my body and feeling validated by my biological family, I had decided that now was the time to challenge myself further on body acceptance. A few months ago a friend of a friend of mine was looking for volunteers for her body acceptance video project. I thought, this is it. The project had two parts. The first part involved stripping down to my bra and panties, being spun slowing on a turning plinth while my entire body was filmed as it turned. The second part involved a full length mirror being placed in front of me, the camera focused on my face, and me alone with my process. Melissa, Dave, and Jeremy (the project team) then left me to gaze at my whole body in the mirror and waited for me to have my "aha" moment - the moment where I finally accepted how my body looked. It was HARD. I think that was the first time I had ever just looked at myself without picking my body a part - too fat, cellulite here and there, spots, lack of symmetry, stretch marks galore... NO, I wasn't thinking any of those things.
My thinking as I viewed my body went through stages - all of which were captured on film. The first stage was filled with mental bullshit like, "I'm an empowered woman, standing in my undies for strangers, thus I accept my body!" and then, "but that's not what self-acceptance means...it's not about being brave in front of others, it's about loving yourself." And then, after about 5 minutes a shift happened. I can remember the exact moment (and it's obvious to me from seeing the video as it plays in slow-motion) and the exact thought that everything starting to change. The thought was, "What is it going to take for you to truly love and accept your body?" It was a powerful moment for me and I started to cry. I stood there looking at my body and for the first time and really seeing all of me.
I felt vulnerable, open, scared, but most of all what shines through my eyes is love. Birdfriend actually helped me identify the feeling after watching the slow-motion video of myself. They looked at me and said, "that's the look you have when you look at one of your partners with total love." And I was looking at myself this way. Totally revolutionary for me.
I'm still soaking up the lessons from this challenge. While Melissa is still working on the final video (which I can't wait to see), she posted this teaser video. I'm at the end, and just seeing the look on my face brings it all back. Thank you Mel for doing this amazing project. And a big thank you to Myself, for going through and challenging myself to break that old, negative, core belief around my body being unacceptable. I love myself and I especially love my body.
Mel & I after my video concluded. I love the look of joy on our faces! Photo credit: Dave Dee Photography
The Greek God Janus, where the mature face represents the past and the youthful face represents the future. This god gives January it's name.
The new year is always a time of reflection for most people. We look back at the past twelve months and we think on all that happened. We look ahead at the next twelve months and promise to do better. For the first time ever, I posted a video to Facebook with a call to action for everyone to do their best in 2017 as humanity as a whole deserves better.
For myself, it is even more of a poignant time for me as my birthday is next week, and I'm deep in the throes of Seasonal Affective Disorder symptoms.
Oiy, do I ever right now!
I was really sick over the holidays, which meant that I didn't get the ring in the New Year with my chosen family of polyamorous perverts. Instead, I was medicated and wrapped up in bed with Bear keeping me warm. My plan is to treat my birthday as my "true new year" since I missed out.
My birthday is a time of self reflection...I usually spend the day alone doing self-care like going for a float in a sensory deprivation tank, or going to Nia, or yoga, or eating some tasty healthy food in a local restaurant. It's also a time for goal/intention setting as well. It can be a tough time for me though due to my S.A.D. making things difficult, and also because I am really hard on myself and am always constantly striving to do more, better, all the time. I get frustrated with my physical and monetary restrictions. So this year, I'm going to focus on what I can do instead of focussing on some ideal that isn't attainable for me. I'll share these goals later after my birthday.
Things are shifting in my poly world. Both my lover and my Birdfriend have started dating other people in the past month. This means that my feelings are getting tripped up more frequently and I find myself clarifying things with both of them so that I don't make assumptions and do something stupid due to my insecurities.
My work friend T asked me if I was jealous of Yak dating other people. I said no. And I mean no. But that doesn't mean that insecurity hasn't crept into my head from time to time as the Yak and I are still learning how best to communicate through this changing time. I try and share my thoughts with her as best I can and try to ensure that I understand her perspective as well. I'm trying to keep things in the present moment and not get ahead of myself.
Best thing to do when you feel insecure or jealous - identify the underlying emotion and then communicate!
I'm glad that Birdfriend is dating again. However, I've been experiencing some awkward feelings as Birdfriend and I seem to keep finding the same people attractive. I don't feel like I'm "in competition" with Birdfriend for these other potential lovers etc., but it can create some tension in our relationship, which I know we both want to avoid. Sometimes it is unavoidable though, and we need to come together and find a solution to move forward. Again, it all comes down to communication!
With both my non-primaries busy, it means that I have more time for myself and it unfortunately also signifies more scheduling woes as I now need to work around my Birdfriend's or Yak's other dates. Time is the most precious thing we have, so I elect to try and spend the majority of it with my loves. This can be tough if everyone is working or dating others or just plain busy... There is a positive flip side to all this though - I have about four months until my wedding day and there is so much to plan and DO! (I have lots to write about on this later).
Anyway, here's to getting through 2017 with grace, ease, style, and solid communication. Love to you all!
Growing up, I thought that I was heterosexual because I knew I liked boys and because I was raised to be hetero by my family and by society. I wasn't aware of nor educated about the possibility that I might be anything other than straight. Thus, I grew up oblivious to what a lot of my heart's desires meant (e.g. wanting to be physically close to girls etc). As approximately 90% of humans are straight, I suppose this de facto heteronormativity makes some sort of sense. However, the assumptions that goes along with it can be damaging in the long-run for the 10% of kids that don't fit the programming that their parents try to instill in them.
What tends to go along with the default socialization of children into socially typical gender roles is what I call the myth of the One. This is the notion that every person on the planet has a single soul mate, other half, better half, or complimentary piece to fit in that hole in ourselves to feel complete. This belief is so pervasive, it has been around since the time of Plato:
Although I have to say I prefer this version from Hedwig & the Angry Inch
Anyone who has listened to the radio, watched a romcom or Disney film, or has read Twilight (I know you're out there people!) has been exposed to the idea of the One. Find the One and everything in your life will work out for the best, fall into place, make sense etc. There are self-help books, websites, and seminars to help you find and keep the One. There are pages and pages of "inspirational quotes" about finding the One. Here's a gem I found that made me gag:
Umm, what?!
When I was with my ex (let's call him Seabass) many moons ago, I truly believed that he was my One. We met during a street music festival one night in a small town in Quebec, something that I thought was romantic as hell. Seabass and I believed our connection was special and something straight out of a movie. We even talked about our relationship abstractly in those terms, and I started a scrapbook that began with "Once upon a time..." (I'm shuddering inwardly as I type this). Seabass and I had what I call a "looks great on paper" relationship. We were both professionally employed, stable, clean, and outdoorsy people. We went on trips abroad together. We spent time with both sets of parents. Towards the second half of our relationship, things started to feel like a sham for me. I was so invested in the fairytale of the One, that I stayed in that relationship much longer that I should have.
Thus, the myth of the One was damaging for me. How was I supposed to move forward in life and love when my fairytale ending with Seabass never came to be? I felt lost. The compass by which I had been setting much of my life by was now defunct. I was heartbroken and painfully disillusioned. I felt cynical and scared. I decided that it was best if I stopped dating altogether.
After a while, I fell in love again. This time with a woman. And I began to explore the concept of the One with a woman - maybe my One is supposed to be female? However, it became clear that no, that wouldn't work either because I was seeking something that I could not find from one person no matter what gender they were or how many people I dated. Around the time that that relationship was starting to go south, I befriended a non-binary person named J who was very open about their polyamorous practices. I asked questions, I contemplated if poly would be a good fit for my needs, I researched, and I came across really helpful videos like this one that normalized my desires and feelings:
And one day, while doing some household chores, I came across an original drawing that made me go huh:
The title reads Reclaiming my own Energy - November 2003. Its a self-portrait of sorts.
Sometimes I have to laugh at myself (and my intuition). I created this image even though I had no idea that a heart with an infinity overlay was the symbol of polyamory! And this was before my relationship with Seabass! Maybe my subconscious knew all along that I was poly and was trying to communicate with my ego.
The Bear recently asked me when I decided to "go poly." After looking back over my life and dating experience, I would say that I have always been poly. I just didn't have the awareness, language, or socially-approved script to follow to make it a part of my conscious lifestyle until the past few years. I also have come to realize that poly allows for several Ones to coexist in your life at the same time. Each person that you are partnered with brings value, joy, and love to your life. AND poly is realistic in that no one person is expected to fulfill all your needs - which takes pressure off one person trying to be your everything. Thus, I would say that poly makes love more fair for all Ones involved.
But what about commitment? What about it? Folks who think that polyamorous people can't commit are dead wrong. I would say that poly requires more commitmentbecause you need to commit your time, energy, and resources to more than one person. Thus, I feel that poly has made me a more loving, more committed partner to my loves. And it feels good to have finally arrived at a place where I feel my needs are met, I'm committed to and happy with all my Ones, and that I no longer feel lost when navigating through the relationships of the world.
What happens when you write openly about your experience on the internet is that it opens up possibilities for others to be exposed to your worldview, interests, lifestyle choices etc. It also opens up the door to trolls, upset family members who either didn't know or simply "don't get it," and folks who want to dissect/deconstruct everything you write until the meaning gets lost.
While I don't consider myself thin-skinned, I did have some backlash earlier this week that made my head whip around at 90 miles an hour - I was that surprised by the source...
Bear's niece (who is close to my age) read some of this blog and flipped out earlier this week. Instead of coming to Bear or myself to understand the situation, she called her mom and freaked out. Then her mom called Bear, and well, if you have any experience with family triangulation, you get the idea. Bear straightened out both his sister and his niece - but not without making it clear to me that he has some reservations about my writing as he is a much more private person than I am. He was not open to his family about our poly situation. Hence, the reaction of his niece. The conversations he had to have this week were uncomfortable, but ultimately the best thing for his family and for us. (Aside: I'm open with my birth family, but not my adoptive family - separate blog post about that later).
This little blip of an event this week got me thinking about how the media and society tends to judge polyamory and how much backlash exists from folks who, as previously mentioned, just don't get it.
Earlier this week I was enraged by this article (and the video therein) on HuffPost. Part of my anger had to do with how the article/video misused the term polyamory - the article really was about open relationships and was sexually-focussed, something that polyamory isn't necessarily about in the real world. There are many forms of non-monogamy, and poly is just one form. Here's a simple diagram to illustrate my point:
Thus, polyamory is a form of non-monogamy; and I would argue that these terms cannot be used interchangeably because they mean different things.
The main reason why I was so angry about this article was mostly because it seemed to me that the narrator was trying to convince listeners that humans are inherently: possessive, jealous, needy, unable to communicate, unable to cope with multiple people who care about you, and immature. It felt like a bit of a cop-out to be honest. Maybe the point of the video was to scare people off of non-monogamy? Maybe the narrator had a bad experience as is trying to "enlighten" his audience? Who knows? While it's true that polyamory can be challenging, the pay-off in terms of love and affection and companionship are worth those challenges.
Another reason why this article and accompanying video bothered me was about how cis-normative and couple-centred it was. While I have a cis-male primary partner who I'm planning big life commitments with, I practice queer solo poly in that no one makes decisions for me and none of my partners are romantically involved with each other. But there are so many other forms of poly that get erased or ignored because they are happening outside of cis/white/heteronormative culture. Here's a really great comic that nails it:
Especially #3!
Another sticking point for me was when the narrator described polyamory as "freewheeling." This is unfortunately not the first time I've heard this phrase thrown out there by the mainstream media when polyamory is being discussed. I would say that swingers are probably a bit more freewheeling - but again, that's a different kind of non-monogamy. Real polyamory requires communicating the tough stuff to find a mutually beneficial way forward. It takes a willingness to work on your stuff and to learn and grow as a person and as a partner to others. I know this sounds complicated, and some would argue that polyamory is complex - but it's only as complex as the people in it! Each poly connection is unique and has it's own set of rules, boundaries, and sometimes vernacular. People have different needs and poly allows you to customize your relationship in a way that supports those needs. Those needs could be sexual, kinky but non-sexual, companionship, activity partner, or a life partner of some shade or stripe. Poly truly is a custom job!
Poly is good for me, Bear, Birdfriend, and Yak but for different reasons for each person. With Bear, it's because he is cis-male and he cannot meet my needs regarding loving/being sexual with women; because he's not into the same kinks as me; and because he works so much and doesn't want me to be lonely (companionship). With Birdfriend, it's because we both have similar kinks and D/s desires; we both really enjoy each other's company; and we have common life goals. Our relationship isn't sexual, except in certain D/s contexts. With Yak, it's because she's not looking for a primary relationship but still wants connection and sexual intimacy with a woman - something that fits my need for that pretty well.
I will never say that "poly is the future of relationships" because I honestly don't know that it will be. I think that over time, society will start to relax more and become more inclusive/accepting of poly relationships and we can stop being so judgy about relationships that fall outside of the norm. That, at least, is my hope.
I think that it's important to have role models or heroes when one is growing up or growing wiser. When I was a teenager and realized that I was bisexual, I didn't have access to information to become aware of role models or heroes to look up to. No school courses were offered about LGBTQ2 subjects, no queer literature read in class, no queer discussion groups existed in my community, no after school clubs, nothing.
I didn't have the internet in my home until 1999, when I was 18 and graduating high school. Google was just a baby back then, so it was actually kind of difficult to search/surf the web in those days. Even when the internet started to become more of a "thing," I still didn't have much awareness about possible role models. This might possibly be due to the lack of positive media stories around queers as openly being some shade of gay was still taboo. Further, I think that due to the negative reaction to my coming out I didn't feel safe in my own skin, let alone to seek out queerness in the real world.
Things really started to shift for me many moons later after my common-law partnership ended back in early 2008 and I began to date women, almost exclusively. I exposed myself to queer art, music, literature, movies, porn, and news article to educate myself on queer culture. I met many new people who helped me understand my own queerness, but it would take many years before I could identify a role model or hero to look up to from history or popular culture.
My life took a pretty dramatic turn on November 25, 2009 when I was rear-ended in a car accident. And then on my birthday, just six weeks later, I was in another car accident (I was a passenger). And then again, in May 2010, when I was hit by a car while on my bicycle (not at fault). My injuries were extensive and compounded by the fact that these accidents all happened within a rather short timeframe (less than a year and a half). Its been years since these accidents, but I live with ongoing chronic pain and disability (including a degenerative TMJ disc condition). With chronic pain comes a whole host of other issues around mental health, socializing, needing support etc.
To say that chronic pain changed my life would be an understatement. I've had to change the way I: brush my teeth, wash dishes, dry my hair, put on shoes, sit in chairs, take the bus, have sex, ...you get the idea...
Replace "illness" with "chronic pain" and yep, sounds about right.
My girlfriend at the time of my accidents was really patient with my physical limitations as she had also been hit by a car in her teen years (while crossing a busy street). It took me a long time to get "functional" and I also had to go through a grieving period regarding the loss of my physical strength and abilities, and loss of social functionality as well.
I found a personal hero in Frida Khalo during this time. Learning about her story, and especially from watching Selma Hayek portray her in the 2002 feature film Frida. The following scene still makes the hair on my arm stand on end:
UNF! I'll be in my bunk...
Frida lived with chronic pain from a horrific bus-meets-streetcar accident in 1925 and had over 30 operations over the course of her lifetime. She painted her pain (mental, physical, emotional, and I'd argue spiritual pain as well) as a way to transform her experience into something evocative and beautiful. One of the paintings I most relate to is El Venado Herido (translation, "the wounded deer"). This painting speaks to my experience of pain, both physical and emotional, and the deer is one of my totem animals.
Frida was a gender-bender, a feminist, a communist, and a bohemian. Her & Diego Rivera were openly polyamorous and even shared a few lovers. Frida never explained or apologized for herself or her self-expression. She was passionate, hot-tempered, and had a joie-de-vivre that rubbed off on everyone who knew her. She could also be abrasive when cornered and abused alcohol as a way to cope with her husband's cheating (especially when he had an affair with her younger sister, ouch!) There's been some speculation on whether Frida was actually bisexual/queer or not. But I'm a firm believer that she was queer, there's just too much "evidence" out there to ignore.
Frida encourages me to live-out-loud even though I struggle with chronic pain. I have a framed fabric print of her at work; and on days where my pain is high and I'm not feeling able to give much to the world, I look at her portrait and think, What would Frida do? Frida encourages me to make my life a work of art - I try to infuse artistry into almost everything that I do. I also feel as though I have a similar personality to Frida as a well - passionate, at times hot-headed, lover of animals and children, artistic, bisexual, poly, and politically active. Frida also influenced my gender-bending as well. I first started playing around with drag in early 2010 and didn't feel that I was very convincing in drag, but had fun playing with gender expression.
29 is such a drag! (birthday theme)
My big jump to the stage of drag happened sort of by accident when I went to a local drag-king night, Man-Up, and was dazzled by the gender-bending performances of local queer women. I decided after watching one show that I simply had to get on the stage. Background: I was a choir, music-theatre, band-geek growing up. I love being on stage (add that to my list of queer attributes!) Paige Frewer was organizing a tribute night to mark the 20 year anniversary of Freddie Mercury's passing in 2011, and I threw up my hands and said "We are the Champions!!!!!"
Taking flight during my Man-Up performance in November 2011 as Freddie Mercury. I performed We are the Champions and had a great time!
Which brings me to Freddie... Today is the 25th anniversary of Freddie Mercury's passing. Freddie was many things to many people - a friend; a lover; an icon; a flamboyant partier; and one of the first public figures to pass away from HIV. His songs are full of bisexual lyrics, one of my favourite being Don't Stop Me Now where Mercury's sings "I wanna make a supersonic man out of you!" in one chorus, and "I wanna make a supersonic woman of you!" in the next. Indeed, Freddie wants to enjoy the best of both sides of the fence and I feel that this song is also a bit of a fuck you to society where bisexuals are often are expected to "pick a side." Some even make the case that Bohemian Rhapsody was actually Freddie's "coming out song." I find it incredible that this 9 minute masterpiece was something that I have been singing since I was 13 and had no clue had queer overtones running all through it.
Freddie doesn't want to stop being queer, he simply is who he is. The frustrating part is that Freddie had to deal with bi-erasure in his own home:
While he was with Austin, Mercury began having sex with other men. When Mercury reportedly told Austin he was bisexual, she said, “No Freddie, you’re gay.”
The Freddie salute. A true King.
Freddie encourages me to be out and not to worry about other people's perception so much. He makes me feel proud to be queer and poly. I find his music energizing, uplifting, and validating of my sexuality. I understand his feelings of loneliness in Somebody to Love, and I understand his deep gratitude to his primary partner, Mary, in You're My Best Friend. His lyrics are deeply relatable for me. Freddie was articulate, graceful, fun, honest, mischievous, and a big big spender. He was avant garde in his music videos and fashion choices. During a time when Tiggy-like bodies were in fashion, he wrote a song called Fat Bottom Girls, a kind of fuck you to body-shaming. (As a side-note, when Yak calls me on my cellphone, her ringtone is Fat Bottom Girls because I happen to be one). This song makes me actually like having a big round butt.
Freddie also serves as a cautionary tale of someone who didn't know when to "stop" having fun and ended up contracting a disease that ended up killing him. Despite having HIV/AIDS, Freddie continued to work and share his message of hope to the world in his last 5 years of life. He persevered with his vision and music during a time when most people would have given up, laid down, and died. Thus, even in his later years, his grace serves as a role model for me - when things are tough, can you be soft anyways? When you are dying, how alive can you be? Freddie inspires me to be more engaged in my life, to keep reaching out when all I want to do sometimes is crawl inside myself. Thank you Freddie. I still love you too.
Its early Sunday morning and I can't sleep. I can't sleep because my brain is busy thinking about my other partners, who are not here with me at present. Bear is sleeping at his place (we don't cohabitate yet), and Birdfriend and Yak are off snow hiking with friends. Thus, I am alone.
Despite having 2 partners and a lover/evolving relationship, I spend a LOT of time by myself. For the most part, this is OK. I've lived alone for the past 8 years, so I'm very comfortable with myself. But there are times where spending so much time alone starts to get to me...especially during these dark winter months when I am affected by winter S.A.D.
Earlier this year, Bear got a new job that required him to work a minimum of 15 hours a day, 5 days a week. This meant that we went from seeing each other almost every day to only spending time on weekends. It has been tough because we are trying to plan a wedding, find a new apartment to move in together, and well, I just plain miss him all the time. We talk several times a day on the phone but it's not the same. I am trying be all "adult" about it and realize that many couples don't spend that much time together because they are trying to keep their lives on track and mundanity takes over. But I miss Bear during the week and I'm looking forward to the day we live together, so at least I know he's around in some capacity.
Birdfriend currently works 4 paying jobs, and usually 1-2 volunteer jobs at any given time. Thus, scheduling time with Birdfriend can be a challenge. We usually end up spending about one full evening a week (5-6 hours) together and we use that time to catch up, get into D/s space, snuggle, and share ideas for the future.
Yak's work schedule is on a rotation that I have yet to understand. But suffice to say, I see her usually once a week for a lovely time of connection, cuddles, and sex. She's about to go wandering off again, this time to Peru for three weeks. I'm going to really miss her (again) while she's gone. Yak's trip opens up more time in my schedule this month, and given all I have to do in the next couple of months, I am going to throw myself into plans and projects for the next while.
There's a funny myth around poly that if you are somehow dating or partnered with several people that you'll never have to worry about being alone, something I find ironic given my current poly situation.
Adventure, ho!
With all of my partners tied up with many jobs, trips, volunteering, and hobbies, it means
that I spend about 50-75% of my week (outside of work) alone. That's a
lot for someone who has three poly connections! The best thing for me to do is to focus on myself and my needs, and not pine too hard for any one person. This can be harder said than done though, as I'm a very extroverted person and I often feel more grounded when I'm with others than when I'm toute seule. Add Seasonal Affective Disorder and some ongoing depression coupled with chronic pain, and well - I'm a little concerned for myself in the coming weeks...
But I remind myself that:
I'm going to make sure that I spend more time with Birdfriend (when possible) and other friends in the next couple of months to ward off the effects of S.A.D. and loneliness. I also have a fantastic trip to New Zealand in January to plan with Birdfriend and get hyped up for. I have a birthday thrown in there too and will try and gather my friends to celebrate me for a day. I will go back to pilates and Nia and feel good in my body and reconnect with my friends in those places. I pledge to look after me during my alone time. It's really the only thing to do.
