I've been putting off writing any blogs that are political in nature since I started this blog because I wanted to focus on my own experiences and not get sucked into writing reactionary pieces to what is going on in the world (well, North America to be specific). I shared thoughts and things that happened to me, and always from my particular poly perspective.
The US election came and went and I wrote nothing about it. The insidious rolling back of personal liberties and freedoms in the guise of religious freedoms started happening in the US and I wrote nothing about it. Blatant racism happened in my city and country, but I did not write about it. So many bloggers, vloggers, journalists, pundits, and anyone with internet access has weighed in with their opinion on the devolution of the American Way of Life and I have not.
But I don't think I can avoid writing non-politically in my blog anymore. Being Canadian, I'm afforded a comfortable distance from the madness of US politics right now. I get to make fun of how things are going down south, and get to share memes like this one:
This would be funny if we didn't also know that the fire will spread this way...
But the fire IS spreading north, and it has already reared its ugly head with the horrifying mosque shootings in Quebec earlier this year. And I'm worried that it's only going to get worse. For Canadians follow their neighbours to the south when it comes to the economy, film/tv, fashion, etc. We simply cannot afford to be complacent.
The demonization and disenfranchisement of any person who isn't white, Christian, straight, monogamous, and (usually) cis-male by Drumph (I refuse to use his real name) and his appointees is all but written into public policy now. Real world consequences are happening: from folks being refused entry into the States; to folks being denied access to healthcare originally promised by the former government; to the fact that Drumph sent a member of a hate-group to a UN meeting on preventing violence against women. You can't make this shit up!
To top it all off, Drumph wants to change the nature of last bastion of personal expressive freedom - he wants to censor the internet.
And it's already begun...
Yesterday, I saw lots of stories circulating from YouTube vloggers that I follow that their content was no longer able to be seen on YouTube. This is because YouTube now has a function that you have to decide if you want to use or not - a "restricted mode." The point of this mode is to protect children from seeing inappropriate content, something that I understand. However, what is troubling is that, YouTube has put itself in charge of deciding what videos are objectionable or inappropriate. Now, it isn’t exactly clear how videos are flagged as mature or inappropriate; it could very well be based on flags reported by users or it could be a group of people within YouTube making such decisions. (from this link)
I read in an online community that the flagging was happening automatically. So somewhere down the line, someone decided that LGBTQ2 topics should be "restricted" and hidden from the main search function in YouTube, a platform that millions of people connect to daily around the world. Which leads me to wonder, WHY is it that LGBTQ2 themes are considered not appropriate for children? Kids come in all shades of the rainbow too, and need to have places to gain awareness, information, support, and community and YouTube has been providing that for years. Sure, some content should be restricted, but this is YouTube, not XTube FFS!
This video brought this issue to the forefront:
Even my favourite bi vlogger wasn't immune:
YouTube - now with more bi-erasure. Article link here.
Oiy, this is a painful issue for sure. LGBTQ2 people have been working so hard for so long to gain a place in society, only now to have their existence called into question time and time again as "appropriate." It's 2017, and it's time to get real about why these things are happening. We need to put pressure on companies, corporations, and government to let them know that we are here, queer, and NOT going away. That we will stand up and have our voices heard, and that we will share information as freely as possible on the internet because it belongs to everyone, and everyone deserves respect and representation.
For my family and friends reading this blog, you will know that right now I'm in the throes of intensive wedding plans as the "big day" is just over nine weeks away now (cue internal screaming). I'm trying to not let the planning take over my life, but as the days count down, it's getting harder and harder not to be completely immersed in wedding-related items. Lately, it's started to feel a bit like this:
Bear and I had a funny moment last weekend. He came over early for snuggles and looked at me and said "we are getting married in 10 weeks." My response? "Ugh, I know." And then we both burst out laughing...
It's funny, but after my "divorce" (9 years ago now!) I never thought that I would consider getting married again. I was living common law with my ex, and we had talked extensively about getting married and making babies. But when that relationship fell apart, I realized that not only had I duped myself into thinking that that person was supposed to be a life partner, but how my perception on the concept of marriage wasn't all that positive or healthy. I saw my parents and so many other friend's parents go through tough times and divorce. I thought that being married meant I had to sacrifice myself to something "greater." How could I give up so much of myself to be someone's everything forever? (my, how my thinking has changed since then!)
So what happened? Well, time passed and I did some deep soul searching on the subject. I spoke with my moms (adoptive and birth) about what marriage meant to them. I read books like Marriage A History and Committed. I stopped being naive about Disney-style relationships and marriages. I had discussions with my counsellor about marriage. I thought about marriages I knew that were successful, and ones that weren't. I studied the research around marriage and happiness and health. I went deep inside myself and thought about what is it that I want. Marriage wasn't necessarily the be-all and end-all that I had originally thought that it was. I didn't need to marry in order to feel as though my role in society could be fulfilled. I didn't need to get married to find happiness or purpose.
However, I was open to considering marriage, should it come up with the right person, at the right time. Further, with my new-ish polyamorous paradigm, I began to view marriage as not a requirement for a "successful" long term relationship but as something that was an option if parties were interested and willing.
A "successful" relationship isn't necessarily one that has longevity. I also think that the "until death do you part" language pressures people into a vow that is not realistic nor necessarily healthy.
When Bear and I first got together about 5 years ago, he was very serious with his relationship intentions. "If we do this [relationship], I'm all in." And he meant it. It was clear to me that this man wanted something specific from me, and was focussed on getting it. While this direct approach was a bit overwhelming at first, this trait is one that I'm grateful for in Bear. I always know exactly what he's thinking because he tells me straight out. And I've tried to be as direct and forthcoming about my thoughts and feelings with him. Over the past few years, we have spoken and shared our feelings on marriage vs. living common law. We have spoken about having children vs. not having children. We've communicated about our relationship fears and how we can move past old patterns of thinking and behaving.
A few months ago in my It's Complicated but not Really post, I talk about what a primary partner means to me. It's namely around legal stuff - combining finances, emergency contact etc - but it's also around family stuff - namely marriage and children. While I'm open to exploring the concept of family outside of heteronormative monogamy, with Bear this notion of family is probably a bit normative in nature. When Bear proposed in August 2015 and I said yes, followed by, "You know that I can't do monogamy, right?" to which he said, "Monogamy wouldn't work for us." Indeed, monogamy won't work for us. As a framework, it does not allow for my sexual identity to be actualized nor does it meet my need and drive to share my love and body with others. It also constrains Bear too. Monogamy would mean a closed relationship for him as well, and I want to ensure that he has opportunities to play and connect with people outside of our relationship. Plus (and it's taken me a while to figure this out), Bear loves me, all of me - my bi/queer/kinky/poly self. I think this Kimchi Cuddles cartoon expresses this well:
Bear has even said similar things to me. I'm so appreciative of how he sees and respects/accepts me.
I'm super grateful to have a primary partner who loves me for who I am and is willing to build something together with me (even if that something is a nebulous concept at times).
This whole marriage thing has also effected my other relationships. I know that for a time, Birdfriend was unsure about where they stood with me in relation to Bear. As time progressed however, our relationship deepened into a chosen-family, bff, with D/s overtone; and when I started calling them my non-primary partner (with Bear's awareness and understanding), I think that made things more solid for Birdfriend. I think that having their position affirmed helped reduce their stress level and make them feel more included in my life. Bear and Birdfriend have a good friendship, which is made stronger by their shared love of me. They both want nothing but the best for me. And they both understand how the other person is important to me. Birdfriend is happy for me with this wedding - their excitement and support has been very bolstering when I feel overwhelmed by everything.
Regarding the Yak, I know that all this wedding prep and planning has been interesting exposure for her as the Bear and I do things differently. She's experiencing something new with me, and I am too with her... I try my best to assure her that she is important to me, and while our relationship may or may not really change after I get married, I try to focus on the moment with Yak, within the boundaries of our relationship, and try be as authentic as possible. I make space in my mind, in my heart, and in my day for Yak. I am curious about continuing this connection but without putting a hard label on it or any futuristic directional plans. I know that at the heart of our connection, a strong, respectful friendship exists that will carry us as our path unfolds.
It's interesting for me to feel so much love for Yak while I'm planning a wedding with Bear. But these thoughts and feelings of love don't "compete" in my mind, if anything they create more love. I feel this cascading exponential effect of love in my body - it's hard to describe. But it feels wonderful and buoyant. It brings me great joy that is hard to contain sometimes (and I do have a hard time containing it). And I share this love outwards with each of my three sweeties and onwards towards my friends and family.
On my wedding day, it's going to be interesting having all three there with me - Bear as my husbear-to-be, and Birdfriend and Yak there cheering us on and supporting me. I'm planning on having a photo of the four of us together. A loving portrait that I will cherish for many moons to come, I'm sure. I'll need to be mindful of the older folks coming to the event who aren't fully aware of our poly connections. But it's very important to me that although the day is officially Bear's and mine, I want both Birdfriend and Yak to be included and feel important. Because they are. Just as important, I want Bear and I to revel in "our day," because it only comes around once.
I'm curious about how poly is going to play out over the long term in my marriage to Bear. It's rather timely that this article came across my Facebook feed this week, and it was good to get some perspective. I know that there will be ebb and flow in our poly connections over time, and there may even come a time when we need to close our relationship for a time for various reasons. For now, we stay in the moment and feel the excitement for our upcoming ceremony, and gratitude for the many loving connections that surround and sustain us.
So last Friday, I wrote up the majority of a blog post, and then the internet ate it. No, really. I was so annoyed, I couldn't bring myself to try and re-write the post and decided to leave it for another week.
I've been away - to the north island of New Zealand, to be exact - and since I've been back, I've been waiting to extend the feeling of vacation time into my normal day-to-day. Hence, why I haven't been active on this blog for about a month...
For anyone who knows me, they know that I love to travel. Especially by myself. But this time, I went travelling with my Birdfriend, and we had a great adventure together.
It was interesting travelling with Birdfriend, especially since I know that most people weren't sure how to "read" us. We decided early on in our trip to tell people that we are "friends" travelling together. This was partly due to safety (sometimes you just don't know how safe a place is for queer folk) and partly due to the hassle of having to explain the nature of our relationship to others. A few times we were read as a couple. Other times, I think people weren't really sure how to read us. And still, other times we blew peoples' minds around relationships when we opened up about our poly connection. In general, we toned down our relationship as a way to ensure that we would be safe in public and the hostels.
A Birdfriend's eye-view of a trail outside of Taupo, NZ.
It was also the first time that I've been openly queer in my travels. Other times I would not self-disclose and let other travellers think whatever it was they wanted to believe about me. This time, I just didn't care as much. We weren't overly obvious in our affections in public, but to anyone who paid attention, it was clear that we were more than "just friends."
This trip was really good for the relationship I have with Birdfriend. We found time to talk out some really difficult and painful conversations that we have had a hard time discussing back at home. We also found ways to move through some really weird moments and I think that we both feel more solid and grounded in our connection as a result. The trip confirmed our ability to work collaboratively as a team and it confirmed our heart and D/s connection. For my part, and I think the Birdfriend feels similarly, I feel that this trip deepened my connection to Birdfriend.
It was interesting for me to be seen as openly queer in public as well. I get read as straight on the regular, so it was interesting how I was being perceived in relationship to Birdfriend... I'm sure some people weren't sure if I was queer or not, when Birdfriend is so obviously queer...
Under the rainbow...
I was grateful that New Zealand has progressive LGBTQ policies and is a safe place to travel as a queer person. Especially since in many countries it is illegal for women to be queer. It was also fun to notice other queer couples around, including the American girls we met in Taupo who were awesome to hang out with. And the Auckland Pride festival was gearing up while we were there, so it felt like a positive time to be queer and travelling in New Zealand.
I have lots more blog content to write, so I'm going to sign off for now. Safe journeys everyone!
I have wanted to write this post for some time - several months in fact. I have slowly collected my thoughts, some photo/video/cartoon supportive content, and have drafted the prose in my head over and over. And still, I find trepidation in typing out these words.
This Body of Mine
From July 2015 on Wreck beach. Photo credit: my Bear!
Like many women (and men) who don't fit the physical standard of beauty, I have struggled with my body. Like many folks who live with chronic pain and illness, I have struggled with my body. Like many people with mental illness, I have struggled with my body. Like many survivors of sexual abuse, I have struggled with my body. Like many people who have been exposed to intense grief, I have struggled with my body. And I'm tired of all that struggle.
This past year I've had some fairly frustrating health problems that have exacerbated some chronic pain and other conditions. I had a broken foot for 19+ weeks, and out of nowhere I developed a bunch of allergies. These two things have meant that my health and fitness for the past year hasn't been great. I've gained weight, I'm often rashy from my allergies, and my digestion is off. I've starting taking steps to address these issues, but some of them are outside of my control (hello scent allergies!) To boot, I've lost one parent to cancer and watched the other one go through chemotherapy this past year. So add stress to that equation and you get a more fulsome picture of what I've been dealing with.
To find a way forward through all these health issues, I've been focusing my energy on trying to be more body positive. I know there are lots of positive affirmations, websites, and support groups for folks but I think that body positivity is personal and means something different to different people. Here's some examples that I've come across lately that have helped me gain some perspective:
1. Meet the underweight model that the fashion industry considers "too big" and her campaign to raise awareness about eating disorders etc.
4. This video about learning to love one's cellulite:
I started to think about ways that I could be more supportive of myself and my body as I went through these health challenges. I started with my thoughts - how can I better think about my curvaceous bod? This cartoon came across my Facebook feed yesterday and it made me feel better. I've got no sharp edges on me either. I'm soft and cute, a bit short in height, but hey, it's me. Not anyone else!
Ani DiFranco famously wrote that her "body is borrowed/I got it on loan from the time in between/my mom and some maggots..." and that she has "highways for stretch marks/see how I've grown..." (from My I.Q.) These lyrics remind me of the ephemeral nature of our own bodies, and mine in particular. And it reminds me of the connection of our bodies with our mother's bodies.
Since I've been conscious of my weight from a young age (I can still hear my adoptive mom's voice telling me to "watch that spare tire" of mine), being able to love my curves has been difficult for me. My adoptive mom and sister are both the typical Irish body types: thin, pretty, with wide breeder hips and big boobs, but almost no body fat to speak of. Think Molly Malone from Dublin. When I met my biological mom and half-sister, I felt so validated. Finally, people with my body type! We talk about how our curves sometimes get in the way (I accidently butt-checked someone today!) and how clothing is hard to find for us tiny shouldered/short-waisted/big round butt types. They make me feel more at home in my body and that having a body like mine can be "normal."
Beyond changing how I think about my body and feeling validated by my biological family, I had decided that now was the time to challenge myself further on body acceptance. A few months ago a friend of a friend of mine was looking for volunteers for her body acceptance video project. I thought, this is it. The project had two parts. The first part involved stripping down to my bra and panties, being spun slowing on a turning plinth while my entire body was filmed as it turned. The second part involved a full length mirror being placed in front of me, the camera focused on my face, and me alone with my process. Melissa, Dave, and Jeremy (the project team) then left me to gaze at my whole body in the mirror and waited for me to have my "aha" moment - the moment where I finally accepted how my body looked. It was HARD. I think that was the first time I had ever just looked at myself without picking my body a part - too fat, cellulite here and there, spots, lack of symmetry, stretch marks galore... NO, I wasn't thinking any of those things.
My thinking as I viewed my body went through stages - all of which were captured on film. The first stage was filled with mental bullshit like, "I'm an empowered woman, standing in my undies for strangers, thus I accept my body!" and then, "but that's not what self-acceptance means...it's not about being brave in front of others, it's about loving yourself." And then, after about 5 minutes a shift happened. I can remember the exact moment (and it's obvious to me from seeing the video as it plays in slow-motion) and the exact thought that everything starting to change. The thought was, "What is it going to take for you to truly love and accept your body?" It was a powerful moment for me and I started to cry. I stood there looking at my body and for the first time and really seeing all of me.
I felt vulnerable, open, scared, but most of all what shines through my eyes is love. Birdfriend actually helped me identify the feeling after watching the slow-motion video of myself. They looked at me and said, "that's the look you have when you look at one of your partners with total love." And I was looking at myself this way. Totally revolutionary for me.
I'm still soaking up the lessons from this challenge. While Melissa is still working on the final video (which I can't wait to see), she posted this teaser video. I'm at the end, and just seeing the look on my face brings it all back. Thank you Mel for doing this amazing project. And a big thank you to Myself, for going through and challenging myself to break that old, negative, core belief around my body being unacceptable. I love myself and I especially love my body.
Mel & I after my video concluded. I love the look of joy on our faces! Photo credit: Dave Dee Photography
The Greek God Janus, where the mature face represents the past and the youthful face represents the future. This god gives January it's name.
The new year is always a time of reflection for most people. We look back at the past twelve months and we think on all that happened. We look ahead at the next twelve months and promise to do better. For the first time ever, I posted a video to Facebook with a call to action for everyone to do their best in 2017 as humanity as a whole deserves better.
For myself, it is even more of a poignant time for me as my birthday is next week, and I'm deep in the throes of Seasonal Affective Disorder symptoms.
Oiy, do I ever right now!
I was really sick over the holidays, which meant that I didn't get the ring in the New Year with my chosen family of polyamorous perverts. Instead, I was medicated and wrapped up in bed with Bear keeping me warm. My plan is to treat my birthday as my "true new year" since I missed out.
My birthday is a time of self reflection...I usually spend the day alone doing self-care like going for a float in a sensory deprivation tank, or going to Nia, or yoga, or eating some tasty healthy food in a local restaurant. It's also a time for goal/intention setting as well. It can be a tough time for me though due to my S.A.D. making things difficult, and also because I am really hard on myself and am always constantly striving to do more, better, all the time. I get frustrated with my physical and monetary restrictions. So this year, I'm going to focus on what I can do instead of focussing on some ideal that isn't attainable for me. I'll share these goals later after my birthday.
Things are shifting in my poly world. Both my lover and my Birdfriend have started dating other people in the past month. This means that my feelings are getting tripped up more frequently and I find myself clarifying things with both of them so that I don't make assumptions and do something stupid due to my insecurities.
My work friend T asked me if I was jealous of Yak dating other people. I said no. And I mean no. But that doesn't mean that insecurity hasn't crept into my head from time to time as the Yak and I are still learning how best to communicate through this changing time. I try and share my thoughts with her as best I can and try to ensure that I understand her perspective as well. I'm trying to keep things in the present moment and not get ahead of myself.
Best thing to do when you feel insecure or jealous - identify the underlying emotion and then communicate!
I'm glad that Birdfriend is dating again. However, I've been experiencing some awkward feelings as Birdfriend and I seem to keep finding the same people attractive. I don't feel like I'm "in competition" with Birdfriend for these other potential lovers etc., but it can create some tension in our relationship, which I know we both want to avoid. Sometimes it is unavoidable though, and we need to come together and find a solution to move forward. Again, it all comes down to communication!
With both my non-primaries busy, it means that I have more time for myself and it unfortunately also signifies more scheduling woes as I now need to work around my Birdfriend's or Yak's other dates. Time is the most precious thing we have, so I elect to try and spend the majority of it with my loves. This can be tough if everyone is working or dating others or just plain busy... There is a positive flip side to all this though - I have about four months until my wedding day and there is so much to plan and DO! (I have lots to write about on this later).
Anyway, here's to getting through 2017 with grace, ease, style, and solid communication. Love to you all!
Growing up, I thought that I was heterosexual because I knew I liked boys and because I was raised to be hetero by my family and by society. I wasn't aware of nor educated about the possibility that I might be anything other than straight. Thus, I grew up oblivious to what a lot of my heart's desires meant (e.g. wanting to be physically close to girls etc). As approximately 90% of humans are straight, I suppose this de facto heteronormativity makes some sort of sense. However, the assumptions that goes along with it can be damaging in the long-run for the 10% of kids that don't fit the programming that their parents try to instill in them.
What tends to go along with the default socialization of children into socially typical gender roles is what I call the myth of the One. This is the notion that every person on the planet has a single soul mate, other half, better half, or complimentary piece to fit in that hole in ourselves to feel complete. This belief is so pervasive, it has been around since the time of Plato:
Although I have to say I prefer this version from Hedwig & the Angry Inch
Anyone who has listened to the radio, watched a romcom or Disney film, or has read Twilight (I know you're out there people!) has been exposed to the idea of the One. Find the One and everything in your life will work out for the best, fall into place, make sense etc. There are self-help books, websites, and seminars to help you find and keep the One. There are pages and pages of "inspirational quotes" about finding the One. Here's a gem I found that made me gag:
Umm, what?!
When I was with my ex (let's call him Seabass) many moons ago, I truly believed that he was my One. We met during a street music festival one night in a small town in Quebec, something that I thought was romantic as hell. Seabass and I believed our connection was special and something straight out of a movie. We even talked about our relationship abstractly in those terms, and I started a scrapbook that began with "Once upon a time..." (I'm shuddering inwardly as I type this). Seabass and I had what I call a "looks great on paper" relationship. We were both professionally employed, stable, clean, and outdoorsy people. We went on trips abroad together. We spent time with both sets of parents. Towards the second half of our relationship, things started to feel like a sham for me. I was so invested in the fairytale of the One, that I stayed in that relationship much longer that I should have.
Thus, the myth of the One was damaging for me. How was I supposed to move forward in life and love when my fairytale ending with Seabass never came to be? I felt lost. The compass by which I had been setting much of my life by was now defunct. I was heartbroken and painfully disillusioned. I felt cynical and scared. I decided that it was best if I stopped dating altogether.
After a while, I fell in love again. This time with a woman. And I began to explore the concept of the One with a woman - maybe my One is supposed to be female? However, it became clear that no, that wouldn't work either because I was seeking something that I could not find from one person no matter what gender they were or how many people I dated. Around the time that that relationship was starting to go south, I befriended a non-binary person named J who was very open about their polyamorous practices. I asked questions, I contemplated if poly would be a good fit for my needs, I researched, and I came across really helpful videos like this one that normalized my desires and feelings:
And one day, while doing some household chores, I came across an original drawing that made me go huh:
The title reads Reclaiming my own Energy - November 2003. Its a self-portrait of sorts.
Sometimes I have to laugh at myself (and my intuition). I created this image even though I had no idea that a heart with an infinity overlay was the symbol of polyamory! And this was before my relationship with Seabass! Maybe my subconscious knew all along that I was poly and was trying to communicate with my ego.
The Bear recently asked me when I decided to "go poly." After looking back over my life and dating experience, I would say that I have always been poly. I just didn't have the awareness, language, or socially-approved script to follow to make it a part of my conscious lifestyle until the past few years. I also have come to realize that poly allows for several Ones to coexist in your life at the same time. Each person that you are partnered with brings value, joy, and love to your life. AND poly is realistic in that no one person is expected to fulfill all your needs - which takes pressure off one person trying to be your everything. Thus, I would say that poly makes love more fair for all Ones involved.
But what about commitment? What about it? Folks who think that polyamorous people can't commit are dead wrong. I would say that poly requires more commitmentbecause you need to commit your time, energy, and resources to more than one person. Thus, I feel that poly has made me a more loving, more committed partner to my loves. And it feels good to have finally arrived at a place where I feel my needs are met, I'm committed to and happy with all my Ones, and that I no longer feel lost when navigating through the relationships of the world.
What happens when you write openly about your experience on the internet is that it opens up possibilities for others to be exposed to your worldview, interests, lifestyle choices etc. It also opens up the door to trolls, upset family members who either didn't know or simply "don't get it," and folks who want to dissect/deconstruct everything you write until the meaning gets lost.
While I don't consider myself thin-skinned, I did have some backlash earlier this week that made my head whip around at 90 miles an hour - I was that surprised by the source...
Bear's niece (who is close to my age) read some of this blog and flipped out earlier this week. Instead of coming to Bear or myself to understand the situation, she called her mom and freaked out. Then her mom called Bear, and well, if you have any experience with family triangulation, you get the idea. Bear straightened out both his sister and his niece - but not without making it clear to me that he has some reservations about my writing as he is a much more private person than I am. He was not open to his family about our poly situation. Hence, the reaction of his niece. The conversations he had to have this week were uncomfortable, but ultimately the best thing for his family and for us. (Aside: I'm open with my birth family, but not my adoptive family - separate blog post about that later).
This little blip of an event this week got me thinking about how the media and society tends to judge polyamory and how much backlash exists from folks who, as previously mentioned, just don't get it.
Earlier this week I was enraged by this article (and the video therein) on HuffPost. Part of my anger had to do with how the article/video misused the term polyamory - the article really was about open relationships and was sexually-focussed, something that polyamory isn't necessarily about in the real world. There are many forms of non-monogamy, and poly is just one form. Here's a simple diagram to illustrate my point:
Thus, polyamory is a form of non-monogamy; and I would argue that these terms cannot be used interchangeably because they mean different things.
The main reason why I was so angry about this article was mostly because it seemed to me that the narrator was trying to convince listeners that humans are inherently: possessive, jealous, needy, unable to communicate, unable to cope with multiple people who care about you, and immature. It felt like a bit of a cop-out to be honest. Maybe the point of the video was to scare people off of non-monogamy? Maybe the narrator had a bad experience as is trying to "enlighten" his audience? Who knows? While it's true that polyamory can be challenging, the pay-off in terms of love and affection and companionship are worth those challenges.
Another reason why this article and accompanying video bothered me was about how cis-normative and couple-centred it was. While I have a cis-male primary partner who I'm planning big life commitments with, I practice queer solo poly in that no one makes decisions for me and none of my partners are romantically involved with each other. But there are so many other forms of poly that get erased or ignored because they are happening outside of cis/white/heteronormative culture. Here's a really great comic that nails it:
Especially #3!
Another sticking point for me was when the narrator described polyamory as "freewheeling." This is unfortunately not the first time I've heard this phrase thrown out there by the mainstream media when polyamory is being discussed. I would say that swingers are probably a bit more freewheeling - but again, that's a different kind of non-monogamy. Real polyamory requires communicating the tough stuff to find a mutually beneficial way forward. It takes a willingness to work on your stuff and to learn and grow as a person and as a partner to others. I know this sounds complicated, and some would argue that polyamory is complex - but it's only as complex as the people in it! Each poly connection is unique and has it's own set of rules, boundaries, and sometimes vernacular. People have different needs and poly allows you to customize your relationship in a way that supports those needs. Those needs could be sexual, kinky but non-sexual, companionship, activity partner, or a life partner of some shade or stripe. Poly truly is a custom job!
Poly is good for me, Bear, Birdfriend, and Yak but for different reasons for each person. With Bear, it's because he is cis-male and he cannot meet my needs regarding loving/being sexual with women; because he's not into the same kinks as me; and because he works so much and doesn't want me to be lonely (companionship). With Birdfriend, it's because we both have similar kinks and D/s desires; we both really enjoy each other's company; and we have common life goals. Our relationship isn't sexual, except in certain D/s contexts. With Yak, it's because she's not looking for a primary relationship but still wants connection and sexual intimacy with a woman - something that fits my need for that pretty well.
I will never say that "poly is the future of relationships" because I honestly don't know that it will be. I think that over time, society will start to relax more and become more inclusive/accepting of poly relationships and we can stop being so judgy about relationships that fall outside of the norm. That, at least, is my hope.
