Growing up, I thought that I was heterosexual because I knew I liked boys and because I was raised to be hetero by my family and by society. I wasn't aware of nor educated about the possibility that I might be anything other than straight. Thus, I grew up oblivious to what a lot of my heart's desires meant (e.g. wanting to be physically close to girls etc). As approximately 90% of humans are straight, I suppose this de facto heteronormativity makes some sort of sense. However, the assumptions that goes along with it can be damaging in the long-run for the 10% of kids that don't fit the programming that their parents try to instill in them.
What tends to go along with the default socialization of children into socially typical gender roles is what I call the myth of the One. This is the notion that every person on the planet has a single soul mate, other half, better half, or complimentary piece to fit in that hole in ourselves to feel complete. This belief is so pervasive, it has been around since the time of Plato:
Although I have to say I prefer this version from Hedwig & the Angry Inch
Anyone who has listened to the radio, watched a romcom or Disney film, or has read Twilight (I know you're out there people!) has been exposed to the idea of the One. Find the One and everything in your life will work out for the best, fall into place, make sense etc. There are self-help books, websites, and seminars to help you find and keep the One. There are pages and pages of "inspirational quotes" about finding the One. Here's a gem I found that made me gag:
Umm, what?!
When I was with my ex (let's call him Seabass) many moons ago, I truly believed that he was my One. We met during a street music festival one night in a small town in Quebec, something that I thought was romantic as hell. Seabass and I believed our connection was special and something straight out of a movie. We even talked about our relationship abstractly in those terms, and I started a scrapbook that began with "Once upon a time..." (I'm shuddering inwardly as I type this). Seabass and I had what I call a "looks great on paper" relationship. We were both professionally employed, stable, clean, and outdoorsy people. We went on trips abroad together. We spent time with both sets of parents. Towards the second half of our relationship, things started to feel like a sham for me. I was so invested in the fairytale of the One, that I stayed in that relationship much longer that I should have.
Thus, the myth of the One was damaging for me. How was I supposed to move forward in life and love when my fairytale ending with Seabass never came to be? I felt lost. The compass by which I had been setting much of my life by was now defunct. I was heartbroken and painfully disillusioned. I felt cynical and scared. I decided that it was best if I stopped dating altogether.
After a while, I fell in love again. This time with a woman. And I began to explore the concept of the One with a woman - maybe my One is supposed to be female? However, it became clear that no, that wouldn't work either because I was seeking something that I could not find from one person no matter what gender they were or how many people I dated. Around the time that that relationship was starting to go south, I befriended a non-binary person named J who was very open about their polyamorous practices. I asked questions, I contemplated if poly would be a good fit for my needs, I researched, and I came across really helpful videos like this one that normalized my desires and feelings:
And one day, while doing some household chores, I came across an original drawing that made me go huh:
The title reads Reclaiming my own Energy - November 2003. Its a self-portrait of sorts.
Sometimes I have to laugh at myself (and my intuition). I created this image even though I had no idea that a heart with an infinity overlay was the symbol of polyamory! And this was before my relationship with Seabass! Maybe my subconscious knew all along that I was poly and was trying to communicate with my ego.
The Bear recently asked me when I decided to "go poly." After looking back over my life and dating experience, I would say that I have always been poly. I just didn't have the awareness, language, or socially-approved script to follow to make it a part of my conscious lifestyle until the past few years. I also have come to realize that poly allows for several Ones to coexist in your life at the same time. Each person that you are partnered with brings value, joy, and love to your life. AND poly is realistic in that no one person is expected to fulfill all your needs - which takes pressure off one person trying to be your everything. Thus, I would say that poly makes love more fair for all Ones involved.
But what about commitment? What about it? Folks who think that polyamorous people can't commit are dead wrong. I would say that poly requires more commitmentbecause you need to commit your time, energy, and resources to more than one person. Thus, I feel that poly has made me a more loving, more committed partner to my loves. And it feels good to have finally arrived at a place where I feel my needs are met, I'm committed to and happy with all my Ones, and that I no longer feel lost when navigating through the relationships of the world.
What happens when you write openly about your experience on the internet is that it opens up possibilities for others to be exposed to your worldview, interests, lifestyle choices etc. It also opens up the door to trolls, upset family members who either didn't know or simply "don't get it," and folks who want to dissect/deconstruct everything you write until the meaning gets lost.
While I don't consider myself thin-skinned, I did have some backlash earlier this week that made my head whip around at 90 miles an hour - I was that surprised by the source...
Bear's niece (who is close to my age) read some of this blog and flipped out earlier this week. Instead of coming to Bear or myself to understand the situation, she called her mom and freaked out. Then her mom called Bear, and well, if you have any experience with family triangulation, you get the idea. Bear straightened out both his sister and his niece - but not without making it clear to me that he has some reservations about my writing as he is a much more private person than I am. He was not open to his family about our poly situation. Hence, the reaction of his niece. The conversations he had to have this week were uncomfortable, but ultimately the best thing for his family and for us. (Aside: I'm open with my birth family, but not my adoptive family - separate blog post about that later).
This little blip of an event this week got me thinking about how the media and society tends to judge polyamory and how much backlash exists from folks who, as previously mentioned, just don't get it.
Earlier this week I was enraged by this article (and the video therein) on HuffPost. Part of my anger had to do with how the article/video misused the term polyamory - the article really was about open relationships and was sexually-focussed, something that polyamory isn't necessarily about in the real world. There are many forms of non-monogamy, and poly is just one form. Here's a simple diagram to illustrate my point:
Thus, polyamory is a form of non-monogamy; and I would argue that these terms cannot be used interchangeably because they mean different things.
The main reason why I was so angry about this article was mostly because it seemed to me that the narrator was trying to convince listeners that humans are inherently: possessive, jealous, needy, unable to communicate, unable to cope with multiple people who care about you, and immature. It felt like a bit of a cop-out to be honest. Maybe the point of the video was to scare people off of non-monogamy? Maybe the narrator had a bad experience as is trying to "enlighten" his audience? Who knows? While it's true that polyamory can be challenging, the pay-off in terms of love and affection and companionship are worth those challenges.
Another reason why this article and accompanying video bothered me was about how cis-normative and couple-centred it was. While I have a cis-male primary partner who I'm planning big life commitments with, I practice queer solo poly in that no one makes decisions for me and none of my partners are romantically involved with each other. But there are so many other forms of poly that get erased or ignored because they are happening outside of cis/white/heteronormative culture. Here's a really great comic that nails it:
Especially #3!
Another sticking point for me was when the narrator described polyamory as "freewheeling." This is unfortunately not the first time I've heard this phrase thrown out there by the mainstream media when polyamory is being discussed. I would say that swingers are probably a bit more freewheeling - but again, that's a different kind of non-monogamy. Real polyamory requires communicating the tough stuff to find a mutually beneficial way forward. It takes a willingness to work on your stuff and to learn and grow as a person and as a partner to others. I know this sounds complicated, and some would argue that polyamory is complex - but it's only as complex as the people in it! Each poly connection is unique and has it's own set of rules, boundaries, and sometimes vernacular. People have different needs and poly allows you to customize your relationship in a way that supports those needs. Those needs could be sexual, kinky but non-sexual, companionship, activity partner, or a life partner of some shade or stripe. Poly truly is a custom job!
Poly is good for me, Bear, Birdfriend, and Yak but for different reasons for each person. With Bear, it's because he is cis-male and he cannot meet my needs regarding loving/being sexual with women; because he's not into the same kinks as me; and because he works so much and doesn't want me to be lonely (companionship). With Birdfriend, it's because we both have similar kinks and D/s desires; we both really enjoy each other's company; and we have common life goals. Our relationship isn't sexual, except in certain D/s contexts. With Yak, it's because she's not looking for a primary relationship but still wants connection and sexual intimacy with a woman - something that fits my need for that pretty well.
I will never say that "poly is the future of relationships" because I honestly don't know that it will be. I think that over time, society will start to relax more and become more inclusive/accepting of poly relationships and we can stop being so judgy about relationships that fall outside of the norm. That, at least, is my hope.
I think that it's important to have role models or heroes when one is growing up or growing wiser. When I was a teenager and realized that I was bisexual, I didn't have access to information to become aware of role models or heroes to look up to. No school courses were offered about LGBTQ2 subjects, no queer literature read in class, no queer discussion groups existed in my community, no after school clubs, nothing.
I didn't have the internet in my home until 1999, when I was 18 and graduating high school. Google was just a baby back then, so it was actually kind of difficult to search/surf the web in those days. Even when the internet started to become more of a "thing," I still didn't have much awareness about possible role models. This might possibly be due to the lack of positive media stories around queers as openly being some shade of gay was still taboo. Further, I think that due to the negative reaction to my coming out I didn't feel safe in my own skin, let alone to seek out queerness in the real world.
Things really started to shift for me many moons later after my common-law partnership ended back in early 2008 and I began to date women, almost exclusively. I exposed myself to queer art, music, literature, movies, porn, and news article to educate myself on queer culture. I met many new people who helped me understand my own queerness, but it would take many years before I could identify a role model or hero to look up to from history or popular culture.
My life took a pretty dramatic turn on November 25, 2009 when I was rear-ended in a car accident. And then on my birthday, just six weeks later, I was in another car accident (I was a passenger). And then again, in May 2010, when I was hit by a car while on my bicycle (not at fault). My injuries were extensive and compounded by the fact that these accidents all happened within a rather short timeframe (less than a year and a half). Its been years since these accidents, but I live with ongoing chronic pain and disability (including a degenerative TMJ disc condition). With chronic pain comes a whole host of other issues around mental health, socializing, needing support etc.
To say that chronic pain changed my life would be an understatement. I've had to change the way I: brush my teeth, wash dishes, dry my hair, put on shoes, sit in chairs, take the bus, have sex, ...you get the idea...
Replace "illness" with "chronic pain" and yep, sounds about right.
My girlfriend at the time of my accidents was really patient with my physical limitations as she had also been hit by a car in her teen years (while crossing a busy street). It took me a long time to get "functional" and I also had to go through a grieving period regarding the loss of my physical strength and abilities, and loss of social functionality as well.
I found a personal hero in Frida Khalo during this time. Learning about her story, and especially from watching Selma Hayek portray her in the 2002 feature film Frida. The following scene still makes the hair on my arm stand on end:
UNF! I'll be in my bunk...
Frida lived with chronic pain from a horrific bus-meets-streetcar accident in 1925 and had over 30 operations over the course of her lifetime. She painted her pain (mental, physical, emotional, and I'd argue spiritual pain as well) as a way to transform her experience into something evocative and beautiful. One of the paintings I most relate to is El Venado Herido (translation, "the wounded deer"). This painting speaks to my experience of pain, both physical and emotional, and the deer is one of my totem animals.
Frida was a gender-bender, a feminist, a communist, and a bohemian. Her & Diego Rivera were openly polyamorous and even shared a few lovers. Frida never explained or apologized for herself or her self-expression. She was passionate, hot-tempered, and had a joie-de-vivre that rubbed off on everyone who knew her. She could also be abrasive when cornered and abused alcohol as a way to cope with her husband's cheating (especially when he had an affair with her younger sister, ouch!) There's been some speculation on whether Frida was actually bisexual/queer or not. But I'm a firm believer that she was queer, there's just too much "evidence" out there to ignore.
Frida encourages me to live-out-loud even though I struggle with chronic pain. I have a framed fabric print of her at work; and on days where my pain is high and I'm not feeling able to give much to the world, I look at her portrait and think, What would Frida do? Frida encourages me to make my life a work of art - I try to infuse artistry into almost everything that I do. I also feel as though I have a similar personality to Frida as a well - passionate, at times hot-headed, lover of animals and children, artistic, bisexual, poly, and politically active. Frida also influenced my gender-bending as well. I first started playing around with drag in early 2010 and didn't feel that I was very convincing in drag, but had fun playing with gender expression.
29 is such a drag! (birthday theme)
My big jump to the stage of drag happened sort of by accident when I went to a local drag-king night, Man-Up, and was dazzled by the gender-bending performances of local queer women. I decided after watching one show that I simply had to get on the stage. Background: I was a choir, music-theatre, band-geek growing up. I love being on stage (add that to my list of queer attributes!) Paige Frewer was organizing a tribute night to mark the 20 year anniversary of Freddie Mercury's passing in 2011, and I threw up my hands and said "We are the Champions!!!!!"
Taking flight during my Man-Up performance in November 2011 as Freddie Mercury. I performed We are the Champions and had a great time!
Which brings me to Freddie... Today is the 25th anniversary of Freddie Mercury's passing. Freddie was many things to many people - a friend; a lover; an icon; a flamboyant partier; and one of the first public figures to pass away from HIV. His songs are full of bisexual lyrics, one of my favourite being Don't Stop Me Now where Mercury's sings "I wanna make a supersonic man out of you!" in one chorus, and "I wanna make a supersonic woman of you!" in the next. Indeed, Freddie wants to enjoy the best of both sides of the fence and I feel that this song is also a bit of a fuck you to society where bisexuals are often are expected to "pick a side." Some even make the case that Bohemian Rhapsody was actually Freddie's "coming out song." I find it incredible that this 9 minute masterpiece was something that I have been singing since I was 13 and had no clue had queer overtones running all through it.
Freddie doesn't want to stop being queer, he simply is who he is. The frustrating part is that Freddie had to deal with bi-erasure in his own home:
While he was with Austin, Mercury began having sex with other men. When Mercury reportedly told Austin he was bisexual, she said, “No Freddie, you’re gay.”
The Freddie salute. A true King.
Freddie encourages me to be out and not to worry about other people's perception so much. He makes me feel proud to be queer and poly. I find his music energizing, uplifting, and validating of my sexuality. I understand his feelings of loneliness in Somebody to Love, and I understand his deep gratitude to his primary partner, Mary, in You're My Best Friend. His lyrics are deeply relatable for me. Freddie was articulate, graceful, fun, honest, mischievous, and a big big spender. He was avant garde in his music videos and fashion choices. During a time when Tiggy-like bodies were in fashion, he wrote a song called Fat Bottom Girls, a kind of fuck you to body-shaming. (As a side-note, when Yak calls me on my cellphone, her ringtone is Fat Bottom Girls because I happen to be one). This song makes me actually like having a big round butt.
Freddie also serves as a cautionary tale of someone who didn't know when to "stop" having fun and ended up contracting a disease that ended up killing him. Despite having HIV/AIDS, Freddie continued to work and share his message of hope to the world in his last 5 years of life. He persevered with his vision and music during a time when most people would have given up, laid down, and died. Thus, even in his later years, his grace serves as a role model for me - when things are tough, can you be soft anyways? When you are dying, how alive can you be? Freddie inspires me to be more engaged in my life, to keep reaching out when all I want to do sometimes is crawl inside myself. Thank you Freddie. I still love you too.
Its early Sunday morning and I can't sleep. I can't sleep because my brain is busy thinking about my other partners, who are not here with me at present. Bear is sleeping at his place (we don't cohabitate yet), and Birdfriend and Yak are off snow hiking with friends. Thus, I am alone.
Despite having 2 partners and a lover/evolving relationship, I spend a LOT of time by myself. For the most part, this is OK. I've lived alone for the past 8 years, so I'm very comfortable with myself. But there are times where spending so much time alone starts to get to me...especially during these dark winter months when I am affected by winter S.A.D.
Earlier this year, Bear got a new job that required him to work a minimum of 15 hours a day, 5 days a week. This meant that we went from seeing each other almost every day to only spending time on weekends. It has been tough because we are trying to plan a wedding, find a new apartment to move in together, and well, I just plain miss him all the time. We talk several times a day on the phone but it's not the same. I am trying be all "adult" about it and realize that many couples don't spend that much time together because they are trying to keep their lives on track and mundanity takes over. But I miss Bear during the week and I'm looking forward to the day we live together, so at least I know he's around in some capacity.
Birdfriend currently works 4 paying jobs, and usually 1-2 volunteer jobs at any given time. Thus, scheduling time with Birdfriend can be a challenge. We usually end up spending about one full evening a week (5-6 hours) together and we use that time to catch up, get into D/s space, snuggle, and share ideas for the future.
Yak's work schedule is on a rotation that I have yet to understand. But suffice to say, I see her usually once a week for a lovely time of connection, cuddles, and sex. She's about to go wandering off again, this time to Peru for three weeks. I'm going to really miss her (again) while she's gone. Yak's trip opens up more time in my schedule this month, and given all I have to do in the next couple of months, I am going to throw myself into plans and projects for the next while.
There's a funny myth around poly that if you are somehow dating or partnered with several people that you'll never have to worry about being alone, something I find ironic given my current poly situation.
Adventure, ho!
With all of my partners tied up with many jobs, trips, volunteering, and hobbies, it means
that I spend about 50-75% of my week (outside of work) alone. That's a
lot for someone who has three poly connections! The best thing for me to do is to focus on myself and my needs, and not pine too hard for any one person. This can be harder said than done though, as I'm a very extroverted person and I often feel more grounded when I'm with others than when I'm toute seule. Add Seasonal Affective Disorder and some ongoing depression coupled with chronic pain, and well - I'm a little concerned for myself in the coming weeks...
But I remind myself that:
I'm going to make sure that I spend more time with Birdfriend (when possible) and other friends in the next couple of months to ward off the effects of S.A.D. and loneliness. I also have a fantastic trip to New Zealand in January to plan with Birdfriend and get hyped up for. I have a birthday thrown in there too and will try and gather my friends to celebrate me for a day. I will go back to pilates and Nia and feel good in my body and reconnect with my friends in those places. I pledge to look after me during my alone time. It's really the only thing to do.
I haven't owned a TV in about 8 years. Which means that I haven't been exposed to most cable television programs either. I do have a computer though, and I have been catching up on many shows (e.g. I binge-watched all 7 seasons of True Blood earlier this year) that Bear downloads for me. I signed up for Netflix, and I have been watching other series that I missed in the past number of years. I've noticed that more and more TV shows include LGBTQ2 characters, and that has been encouraging! GLAAD's 'Where are we Now on TV' report notes that in 2016: "Of the 895 series regular characters expected to appear on broadcast primetime scripted programming in the coming year, 43 (4.8%) were identified as LGBTQ. There were an additional 28 recurring LGBTQ characters. This is the highest percentage of LGBTQ regular characters GLAAD has ever counted on primetime scripted broadcast programming. The five broadcast networks are ABC, CBS, FOX, NBC, and The CW." (emphasis, mine)
Autostraddle's guide to LGBTQ2 Women on TV.
I recall the first LGBTQ2 person I saw on a TV show was "Rickie" from My So Called Life (1994). He originally tells his friends that he is bi, but it is clear that for him, bi was a stepping stone for his character to find safety while deepening into his gay orientation. He even tries taking out a girl from his high school class, "Dellia," in the hopes of living a "normal" life. I have experienced similar feelings before:
Sigh - the desire for "normalcy" is strong in the LGBTQ2 community. Internalized homophobia :(
Rickie's story followed a similar arc to what many LGBTQ2 teens experience - being kicked out during the holidays because of his orientation, abuse, homelessness, and trying to find allies and friends in order to survive. Unfortunately for me (and other teens in the 90's), My So Called Life was cancelled not long after the Christmas episode. I was heart-broken at 13. I wanted so badly to see other queer characters on TV. However, queer characters tended to be secondary or missing from many plot-lines in the later 90s and early 2000's. (Here's a link to a Wiki page listing all LGBT themes/characters on TV from 1990-1997, should you want to fall down that particular internet rabbit-hole). It wasn't until Ellen came out on prime-time TV in 1997 that things really started to shift towards more primary characters being queer, and more queer themes being explored.
Rickie's experience of abuse and homelessness haunted me as a teen. It made me scared to share my orientation, and I wondered how often something like this happened in the real world. I started to notice negative outcomes or stereotypical portrayals of queer characters on TV over the years, each time I felt more dejected and angry. For some reason, 2016 seemed to be the year where many lesbian and bisexual characters were killed off in various shows. This is nothing new, and in a sad way, it reflects the reality of abuse and violence the LGBTQ2 community continues to face in the real world. The TV 'death' of the character "Lexa"from The 100 this year elicited an outcry from LGBTQ2 viewers to stop the unnecessary killing-off of LGBTQ2 characters in television, especially if that character's death was a plot device to move a straight character's story forward.
"Lexa' billboards. They speak for themselves, I think.
Earlier this autumn, I came across a show on Netflix called Dance Academy that featured a bi/gay/questioning character named Sammy. I have a shameless love for ballet shows/movies, and I was glad to see that Sammy was a real character, not just a caricature of a queer teen. The main character, Tara, is a bit vapid (as you can tell by the trailer in the link) and she states when Sammy comes out as 'questioning,' that she's "always wanted a gay best friend!!!" Ugh. And then, right at the end of season 2, the show kills off Sammy, all as a plot motivator for Tara to learn how to dance the "Red Shoes' solo with the true agony of someone who has faced loss. I was furious. I tried to watch the first episode of season 3, but I just can't do it anymore.
And then, Orange is the New Black broke my heart again (SPOILER ALERT if you haven't finished watching season 4) this year when they killed off my favourite character on the show, Poussey. I started to cry, and then to RAGE. Enough is enough already!
As shown in recent surveys, past blog posts I've written, and media - there is significant violence directed at the LGBTQ2 community. Seeing it reinforced on dramatic TV shows doesn't do anyone a service. I challenge any TV show writers, producers, etc that may be reading this blog, actually anyone writing about LGBTQ2 themes to take on the Lexa Pledge. We deserve better representation on TV and other media, and we deserve to have positive plot-lines and character arcs developed for LGBTQ2 folks. Get on it!
I started developing my poly self about 5 years ago when I realized that it wasn't personally feasible for me to only pay attention to part of my orientation when dating. It bothered me that I felt I had to only look for one person to date to get my needs met. And it kind of put my sexuality in a dichotomous situation - do I seek a male or female partner? I think that I didn't broach poly for many years because I thought that dating more than one individual at a time somehow made me a bad person (I can hear voices calling, greedy!!) Just today, I came across this on Tumblr's YesbutNo page:
But why does this seemingly make one sound like a better person? Why the implicit shaming?
Before the Bear and I had ever started dating, I was dating a woman for almost two years. She was the first partner I had that I experimented with some relationship openness, but for us it had to be "same-room" exploration - i.e. we had to be in the same room as each other if we wanted to get physical with other people. She cheated on me twice, something that I couldn't get my head around at the time. The interesting thing was that she identified as a lesbian but had cheated with on me once with a hetero couple, and the second time with a man! Clearly, she was interested in exploring her sexuality, but she wasn't being fair about how she was treating me in relation to her self-exploration.
I first met the Bear when I was still with this woman. Bear thought I was a lesbian because he only ever saw me with my (ex)girlfriend and was confused when I started flirting with him. We first started dating after I had been single from my ex-girlfriend for about six or seven months. I told him that I could not change my sexuality and that I would need some flexibility/openness in our relationship in order to live true to myself and not feel stifled. We were monogamous for the first 5 months or so before I started dating the Birdfriend.
It's important to share your orientation and dating preferences as soon as you are aware of them (with the knowledge that sometimes this happens over time). It's also not fair to put limitations on your partner's feelings for others (no way to control them anyway!)
It took about a year or so for things to normalize for the Bear, the Birdfriend, and myself. My relationship with the Birdfriend transformed many times, from dating, to D/s only, to D/s with a deepening friendship and chosen-family bond - where it has landed today. Poly was new for the Bear and I know that he struggled to overcome his own internalized slut-shaming because he acknowledged that he had cheated on every girlfriend he ever had - clearly, monogamy was not for him. Nor was it for me either. We negotiated and talked about feelings of jealousy, time commitments, future plans for moving-in together etc. These negotiations still happen as the sands of my various relationships shift. I also have ongoing negotiations around needs and boundaries with the Birdfriend, and also with Yak as that relationship develops.
The Bear and I had a separation of about 6-9 months in 2014. I broke up with him because I was dealing with the sudden death of my 19-month old nephew and I was also unhappy in our relationship at the time. I spent the majority of that time apart not dating or actively pursuing a relationship. But that doesn't mean that I wasn't online and looking for something, even if I didn't know what it was I wanted.
Dating when bisexual can be challenging, but adding on a layer of "poly" makes it even more daunting! Usually, one of two things tends to happen if your online dating profile says Female, Bisexual, and Poly:
#1: You get hunted as a Unicorn (aka 3rd in a MFF threesome)
OR
#2: Bi erasure rears its ugly head again, sigh...
While more and more dating websites and apps are starting to cater to people encompassing a wider array of sexual orientations, there still seems to be a stigma attached to dating as a poly individual. As an apparent result of having the "poly" label affixed to one's online dating profile, poly folks "tend to receive messages from people who either assume that they're cheating on their spouses, or that they're inherently promiscuous and up for anything. That sentiment was reflected in BroBible's coverage of OkCupid's new feature, which cheered the new feature as a terrific way to find threesomes."(link)Seriously? YUCK
In my personal online dating experience, both #1 and #2 have happened to me, and more times than I care to remember. It seems strange that a bisexual poly woman would have a hard time dating considering how "attractive" this type of individual is to many types of people but I suppose it's likely more often the norm than not based on conversations like this one on Reddit.
The best way that I have found for meeting and dating other poly individuals (queer or otherwise) is to meet them at events where they are gathered in numbers or through poly friends. I met both Birdfriend and Yak through other queer/poly friends. Sometimes, a potential dating partner will just turn up randomly at a recurring social event that you normally attend. I'm a part of the local Burning Man (BM) community, and there seem to be many poly people in that community. I recently went to our official BM decompressionparty, where I ran into a friend who was telling me about a breakup with his girlfriend. I thought my friend was referring to his long time girlfriend, but no, he meant his other girlfriend. He started to explain how he was poly but I just held up my hand to stop him, and then high-fived him and told him that I am poly too.
Yes! Intentionality makes me hot.
I've actively striven to create a chosen family and community of queer, poly, straight allies, and inclusive people. It takes time to forge these bonds and to work through the challenges that poly can offer. To anyone who is struggling with online (or real world) poly queer dating, take heart and keep focusing on what it is you truly want. Join chat forums: it can be a great way to meet people interested in similar topics. Go to MeetUps for local groups that interest you or contain people you would like to meet. Stay positive, and know that you deserve the kind of love that you want. May you find it! <3
For a bisexual, dating is like a wide-open field of choices dotted with hidden landmines where things can get weird fast depending on the players in the field, and how one approaches the dating game. I find that things get weird most often in the world of online dating. At least more websites now have a "bisexual" option when signing up and indicating one's orientation. Which is a marked difference compared with Plenty of Fish and E-Harmony, which only offer matches for either straight or gay/lesbian members but not bisexuals. Match.com has similar limitations as you have to choose one gender or the other to search for. The site that I used to be on the most was OKCupid because it allowed me to identify as bi and put search filters for people that I was interested in. But there's a problem with the way OKCupid filters matches, as noted by Maria Burnham in 2012: "After I check “bisexual,” I have the option to click “I do not want to see or be seen by straight people.” But wait! I like men, too! In my previous relationships, both short ones and long-lasting ones, I have dated straight men, so of course I want them to be able to view my profile. My profile now states that I am bi and looking for guys and girls who like bi girls. And so another conundrum. As much as I like to avoid stereotypes, I couldn’t help but wonder how many gay women would actively search out bi women on a dating site. Even if a gay girl is open to dating a bi girl, even if she doesn’t harbor preconceived conceptions about bisexual women, my guess is that to make things easier and more streamlined, she is going to search for gay women." This author, and many others who have written similar articles about dating bisexuals, offers up lists of helpful ideas for "how to date" bisexuals. If you don't believe me, go to Google and type in "dating bisexuals is hard" and see what comes up. You'll see link after link of articles from Cosmopolitan to a variety of online zines that outline the stereotypes that prevent straight/gay/lesbians from dating bisexuals. I gave up on OKCupid a few years ago because I felt like I was meeting friends, not matches. I thought I'd give the less wordy Tindr a try. What a mess! There is less text so you can't really write about your personal ethos or wax poetical about your love of butter chicken, or really give a potential date/hook-up/future partner a real idea of what you are like. Instead, Tindr connects to your Facebook profile (ugh, don't even get me started!) and your "likes" and photos end up on your profile. You get 140 characters to explain your awesomeness (gah, its like Twitter!) I signed up and because I have indicated on Facebook that I'm interested in men and women, it automatically signed me in as bisexual. Over the course of my trial use of this dating app, I was approached by 10 men for every 1 woman. It wasn't possible to only show me women interested in women, so I felt like I was swiping left for forever...and all that swiping made me give up on Tindr. It simply wasn't the dating app for me.
Too true! This has been my dating experience as well. Graphics courtesy of the Rogue Feminist.
I
cannot tell you how many times I was messaged online by couples looking
for a third. Although I do enjoy threesomes and group sex, I have never
found a fun, sexy way of making them happen by setting something up
with randoms from an online dating forum or Craigslist. It just doesn't
happen. I'd rather meet someone in real life and if things progress into consensual group-sex territory, then great. But trying to organize
something like that ahead of time online with someone(s) you've never
met? Sketchy and creepy.
Bisexual dating is also tough because of a seemingly small dating pool. I
think this graphic sums up what I'm trying to express here:
It took me some time to find these "mythical" peoples, but they DO EXIST!
Something that keeps coming up in online literature, and that has occurred in my own dating history, is the apparent need for bisexuals to be legitimized under the LGBTQ2 banner by dating partners of the same sex. We have to "prove" our queerness to folks who are monosexual. It's especially difficult when you physically look straight. My friends and I have this joke about 100-Mile Queers - basically, you can tell that the person is queer from that far away. On most days, my gender expression is fairly feminine and I get read as straight. I have longish curly hair in a natural colour (but I dream of magenta), I like to wear make-up and dresses, and don't have any visible body piercings (except my ears). I'll never forget when I outed myself to a co-worker about 8 years ago when I told her that my friend and I had entered a photo of me into an LGBTQ2 photography contest, and my co-worker asked me why that contest applied to me. Bam! Read as straight. This video that I found on YouTube brings up some issues that pop up for bisexual women who date both genders that I could relate to:
Just in case you are wondering, there is also a similar video about bi guys. Check it out!
Below is an interesting YouTube video about lesbians dating bisexual women. It's really interesting to watch how lesbians describe being with bi women. Insecurity around gender betrayal (in this case, "going back to men") seems to be the key issue around why perhaps lesbians are hesitant to date bisexual women. This YouTuber also had a very contentious video 3 years ago about what Lesbians Think of Bisexual Woman. Its shocking to listen to! There has been much dialogue on YouTube around that video, I recommend falling down that particular internet rabbit hole for half an hour to hear both sides of the story.
It's clear to me that things are harder for bisexual men than women when it comes to dating. Don't know what I mean? Well, I came across this article today and I was horrified by a piece data that came out of Glamour Magazine's sex survey:
This overt biphobia is very disheartening, and I think that this statistic may be a signpost of how Western culture shames men who have had sexual contact with other men. There is so much hype around masculinity, and there is a pervasive belief that a man being sexual with another man somehow diminishes their masculinity and worth vis-a-vis straight men. Bisexual male writer, Eliel Cruz, writes that biphobia also:
"[can lead] to the idea that bisexual men are more likely to be HIV positive than men who have sex exclusively with other men or women...Our meta-analysis shows that bisexually behaving men are significantly more likely than heterosexually behaving men to have HIV but significantly less likely than gay-behaving men to have HIV," a primary author told HIV Plus magazine.This reputation stems from the early days of the AIDS crisis, when bisexual men were blamed for spreading HIV — then understood to be a "gay disease" — to women."
I personally would date a bisexual man, its just that I've actually never had the chance. I'd love to hear from any bi male readers out there - what have your dating experiences been like? I'd love to compare notes...hit me in the comments below.
One of my reasons for starting this blog was inspired by the Dear Me project that I came across a few years ago whilst surfing the net. I thought about what I would write to myself, at aged 16, and realized that the majority of the wisdom I would have liked to imparted was about my sexuality. If there are any 16 year old bisexuals out there reading this blog - take heart (also, naughty! as this is an 18+ blog). It does "get better" over time, and I am happy to be sharing my stories with you.
I think it is a common human experience to feel as though there are no people "like me" out in the real world. I would argue that this feeling is heightened during puberty as teens are trying to sort out who they are in relation to everyone else. For bisexuals, I think that this experience is likely universal as there are limited access to bisexual stories in media or the news (and what is reported there is often full of negative stereotypes).
Some stereotypes I had to face in my teen+ years around my bisexuality.
Ever since Ellen came out during prime time TV, lesbians have had some sort of representation in media. And lately, things are changing especially for trans* and non-binary kids. However, I still don't come across such programming or education about bisexuality for kids. It would be great if such programs existed and were included in schools and in media. Specifically, I would like there to be more bisexual characters represented in child fiction, cartoons, movies, etc. While some folks feel as though such exposure isn't appropriate for children, I would argue that not allowing children the opportunity to learn about other orientations than heterosexuality makes them less empathetic to LGBTQ2 folks. Ignorance begets ignorance. Its important to allow children to learn about the rainbow flag, LGBTQ2 history, and culture, as they may realize they are a part of that community. It gives kids an access point - a place to start and jump off from.
Sexuality develops young in humans - most humans are aware of sexual attraction from around the age of 10 years old. Parents can often be rather uncomfortable around the idea of their child having a sexuality, but it's better to embrace something than shame it, no? Again, I feel as though with all the childhood psychology out there that things are beginning to improve. However, many LGBTQ2 kids experience negative commentary at home around sexuality that falls outside of what is considered "normal."
This, so much THIS.
Without further ado, here's a letter that I wrote to my 16 year old self:
Dear Me, aged 16, I know that you are full of frustration and angst these days. You feel that you are changing in ways that your family is unable and unwilling to support. You feel lost, lonely, and uncertain about who you are some days. You feel angry and feel that you are being controlled by your family. You came out to them because you wanted to share your newfound sense of self-understanding, and they reacted so harshly that you just want to run screaming back into the closet for good. You wish that your family would just accept you for who you are. It's likely that your family will not be able to give you what you need - they have done their best with what they know and can do, and it's time to focus on you. Don't spend too much time hating your parents for things they cannot understand. It's 1997, and things won't really normalize for LGBTQ folks for another 15+ years. Know that your parents will come to accept your sexuality in time, even if they don't understand it. Stop looking for acceptance outside of yourself. I know this is hard to do because you have been more or less programmed this way by school and parental beliefs. But in this, you must actively strive to look inward for recognition and gratitude - and truly know that the only person's opinion that matters is yours. You must learn to love and accept yourself. If you don't, how can you love or accept anyone else? You must learn that even though you are a horny, pent-up teenager that it's better to wait to have sex with someone who knows you well and cares about you instead of random hook-ups fueled by insecurity and feelings of emptiness. This doesn't mean having to wait years for sex, just be smart about it. People (specifically, men) will try to take advantage of your insecurities around sex and belonging. Trust me, I know. Do NOT give in to feelings of worthlessness and fear of being alone. Do NOT engage in sex with anyone who does not respect you or your evolving boundaries. Trust your intuition about people - if you don't feel safe around someone, you likely aren't. Protect your body, your sexuality, and your heart. These are precious things that mean more than money, fame, or recognition. You don't need alcohol to gain access to people who are interested in sex.In fact, you should avoid alcohol/sex interactions wherever possible because these two things don't mix well for you. Learn how to pleasure yourself first - learn your body and what feels good to you so you can better communicate when you are with a partner down the road. It's awesome that you like both boys and girls. No, there aren't many openly bisexual people in pop culture that you can look up to for role models, but that doesn't mean that you are alone in your bi-ness. Just because you haven't kissed many girls doesn't mean that you aren't bi. You are. It's not a phase. You don't need to explain, justify, or make excuses for your sexuality - especially to people who may not value or accept it. Save your energy for the people who are interested in you, ALL of you, and explore friendships first before moving into the realm of intimacy. Read more - especially books about and for LGBTQ2 people. It will help give you a starting point, exposure to rainbow culture, and give you things to think about to help you figure out your sexuality and what you want for yourself. Don't let your family shame you for being different. Don't let their judgements prevent you from exploring your sexuality in a safe manner. You will move out of your parent's house and be able to live your life however you want by the time you are 23. I know that university seems like forever away, but please do get involved in Out on Campus instead of shunning it, do explore your sexuality instead of avoiding it. Your years at university are a perfect opportunity to meet other queer folk and learn about yourself in a broader LGBTQ context. Spend time getting to know your queerness and that of other folks. Don't be afraid of your desires, even if you are unclear what they "mean" or where they might be coming "from." Your desires will change over time - some will stay constant, some will ebb and flow, and others will strangely come out of left field and become very important to you. All of this is OK and is a natural process for the maturing human. Don't rush through learning about your process! It'll be many years before you have a clear understanding of which desires are solid, and which are more mutable for you. Polyamory is a thing that you need to know about. It is not bad, weird, nor morally wrong. It will allow you to have your needs met in a healthy way vis-a-vis others. It will teach you so much about communication, the limitlessness of love, and the importance of time management. Don't be fearful of the fact that you have so much love to give and that you are able to give it to more than one person at a time. Read up, learn about, and dispel myths surrounding "The One" so that you don't accidentally buy-in to heteronormativity. Know that you will fall in of love with many people of various genders at different times of your life. You will go through periods of loss, grief, and loneliness, but you will always be surrounded by loving friends. Don't date boys just because it's an easy way to not be lonely or feel like the only teenager without a paramour to kiss during a free period at high school. Life isn't a competition. Don't measure yourself against anyone else's standards of "normal." There is no such thing as normal. You will try and make your round self fit into square boxes and it will make you mad. Realize that your differences make you unique, fun, interesting, dynamic, and that it is OK that your desires fall outside opposite-sex relationships. You are the one living this life. No one else. Don't let anyone tell you how to live your life, especially when it comes to matters of your heart. You get to determine content as you are the author of your life's story. What do you want your story to say? That you gave into peer pressure and refused to live honestly? That fitting in was more important that fleshing-out your character development? That discovering yourself was too challenging a task to deal with? Realize your agency in situations - life isn't "happening" to you, you are making it happen. Make your own rules, then live by them, with the knowledge that the rules will change over time. Nothing is static. Nothing evolves in isolation. Accept these things and you will realize how empowered you actually are as a person. Tap into yourself and discover your core values, shed any ideas that don't serve you right now, make space for allowing new ideas to come, be creative and make them personal, and revise any rules as they don't seem to fit the mold as you go along. While you need to continue abiding by your parents' rules at home, develop your own internal rules for dating and sex. Your personal rules matter. Learn how to enforce them. Sometimes this is learning how to say "no" in a circumstance that you would normally find challenging to stop. Sometimes this is discussing why you won't get involved in a particular project because it's unsafe or unsexy to you. Sometimes it's leaving a party that you don't feel comfortable at. Whatever way you move forward, always put your safety first. Things will get better, I promise you, 16 year-old me. You will find a way to truly love and accept yourself as you are. You will create and maintain a network of queer friends and straight allies that will have your back no matter what. You will find love - in many forms and guises - and you will, in time, discern between NRE/infatuation feelings and real love. Your abilities to learn, grow, and adapt are your greatest skills and will serve you well over the years. I believe that you will make better choices than I did at your age. Although your life may not turn out the way you expect it to, know that you are always exactly where you are supposed to be in any given moment. Don't try to "check-out" of your reality so much. Breathe. Know that you are not alone. All that is required of you is to stay the course of getting to know the person you are supposed to become.
I've known Yak for about a year. I met her last year when she was first getting together with one of my queer female friends. I was immediately drawn to her energy, her smile, and vivacity. Since she was just beginning a romantic relationship with one of my friends, I thought it was best to shelve any desires/designs I had for her and just focus on myself and my other two relationships.
Yak stayed in the background as my friend's girlfriend and I gradually got to know her over the course of the past year at group social events. Things started to smoulder between us around last New Years Eve (Dec 2015) when we were ringing in the new year together with her partners of 10 years (Yak was in a triad), her girlfriend, my partners, and other friends in my queer community circles. The Yak and I couldn't stop eye-fucking each other but didn't follow-through with anything physical. Then, early this past spring, her girlfriend, Yak, and I had a bit fun together one night. And then, months went by without chatting, physical connection, or seeing interest from Yak in pursuing anything else with me. Unbeknownst to me, Yak was going through some major life changes.
Just a few months ago, Yak broke-up with her partners of 10 years. Thus, she had a lot more time availability and inclination to date, and after cuddling with her and Bear in a pile of Muppet fur at the local Burning Man event this year, things started to organically evolve between us. We started seeing each other and cuddles turned into really hot sex. Her girlfriend was so happy for us (yay, compersion) as she had started dating someone else and had less time for the Yak. Things stayed like that for a bit, until Yak and her girlfriend decided to call it quits. So now, Yak has me all to herself...well, she has to share me with Bear and Birdfriend.
A simplistic visual of what our cuddle pile at BitF looked like - L to R, Yak, Bear, and me (the Fox)
Yak is coming home from a month-long journey in India this weekend. Right before she left, we were getting really gushy with each other. New Relationship Energy was running really high, and we are high on it. Having a month to be a part physically allowed things to cool (somewhat) and allowed us to spend time typing and chatting over the internet to know each other in a different, and deeper, capacity. Much to her, and my, surprise - we have been communicating almost daily since she's been gone. Yak has repeatedly mentioned that she's missed me while she's been traveling - something that has also surprised her. Something that makes me smile inside...
I won't lie - I've been pretty gaga over Yak since she
came into my life. There's so much to like! She identifies as a dyke, is
queer, poly, a nurse, and very happy when in nature. She's funny, kind,
intelligent, and a real sweetheart. Plus totally hot! Hello nurse!
Yak compares her "horns" with that of a Hindu cow in India (Sept 2016).
Being amped up on NRE feelings can feel overwhelming. It feels like being swept up in a warm tide that pulls you along into a feeling of borderline drunkenness, and suddenly, you're out to sea. It's something that both Yak and I openly acknowledge. We talk about the happy bubbly feelings and enjoy them because we both know that NRE doesn't last. We've exchanged some loving sentiments, but neither of us are blind to what NRE does to one's brain chemistry (Another hit of oxytocin, please. Thank you, Nurse). Yak and I have this inside joke about keeping our relationship "healthy" because of how unhealthy NRE can be. Yak has admitted that its been a past habit to beat NRE into submission, but not this time. I'm striving for middle-ground with NRE. Here's a cartoon that explains what I mean:
NRE - finding balance is the key!
I've had separate talks with Bear and Birdfriend about my NRE with the Yak, and they are both aware and supportive. Sometimes Bear teases me about it, but it's all in good fun. Birdfriend is likely curious, as they haven't seen me in NRE since I started dating Bear. I know that they are both happy for me, and that they are also grateful for the chance to get to know Yak better too. I am bursting with gratitude that everyone in the menagerie gets along and that we can be honest about where we all stand with each other.
I don't know what the next chapter of my connection with Yak will look like.
Honestly, I don't really care because I'm enjoying this relationship so
much and don't have any plans for it because it's so new and tender like
a seedling. I want to nurture it but not smother it. I want to let it
flourish, but not at the expense of my other two relationships. I'm
excited, but not impulsive or impractical about my feelings for her. I
have hopes for an evolving connection that has ongoing potential, but I'm not
putting limits or constraints on our relationship. I want it to unfurl
naturally like a many-petaled flower, and to enjoy the process of opening.
I found this artwork on a Facebook page that I liked, will add citation later. But yah, the feels.
A few years back, Facebook decided to add a new relationship status choice from its drop-down menu called It's Complicated. It was for folks in non-monogamous arrangements to let friends, family, and prospective partners know that they were, in fact, seeing someone (likely several someones). It was a break away from normative-monogamy in a big way - social media mimicking real life. While It's Complicated gives a conveniently nebulous description that could encompass many ideas of relationships, I don't think that polyamory is necessarily complicated. It's based on open, honest, communication; boundary setting; time management; understanding one's desires; and building/maintaining a community of relationships.
There are many misconceptions about polyamory. This meme summed it up pretty well for me:
Samantha from SATC says "I'm a 'try-sexual', I'll try anything once."
Ah scheduling. It really is an art, and probably the only way I can keep my days straight, and when I'm seeing whom etc. Add chronic pain appointments to the mix - I'm a busy gal.
Polyamory has become such a buzzword in recent years. It's all over media - news, tv, Netflix shows, books, internet articles, etc. People who engage in polyamory are often white, educated, fairly wealthy, and often, straight. But many many folks of the LGBTQ2 spectrum are also "poly" or even "relationship anarchists." Autostraddle conducted a sex/relationship survey of its readers back in 2015 and some rather interesting results have come out of the data, especially when looking at monogamous people in non-monogamous relationships and vice-versa.
Polyamory is a relatively new descriptor of my lifestyle. When I look back over my dating "career" of the past 20 years or so, I see a tendency for multiple love/sex interests at the same time. Perhaps in some ways I had always been poly, but it took a lot of other coming-out work before I adopted poly as an appropriate self-identifier. I used to have a lot of internalized shame around my poly feelings. I would feel like a horrible person because I felt attraction to, or felt feelings for several people (and often at the same time) while within a monogamous relationship. I would feel like I was emotionally or mentally cheating on my partner in my head, even if no outward actions had occurred.
After realizing that my sexual orientation and desires didn't align with heteronormative-monogamous society's script for women, I began to do some research into polyamory and whether or not it would work for me. I read the Ethical Slut first (which, although a bit dated, seems to be a common introduction to poly book), and then onwards to Opening Up which gave me lots of case samples to consider. I flagged and highlighted and wrote notes in the columns of these books. I read poly blogs, talked to poly friends, and constantly underwent internal reflection to gain understanding of how I wanted my poly to be. I keep learning about poly all the time - both from reading, and from actually living poly.
I started dating multiple people around 2012, and learned quickly that 2 to 3 people at once is my maximum in terms of time and energy allotments. I started dating the Bear and the Birdfriend within a few months of each other. Then I started dating another woman as well, but she didn't enjoy being part of a poly connection, so that didn't last. Then Birdfriend and I decided that dating wasn't working for us, and decided to shift focus to the D/s, chosen family, bff aspects of our relationship.
A little graphic I made to show the different connections I have (Oct 2016). The red lines indicate a romantic connection predominating, the burgundy line indicates a D/s connection predominating. Sex/gender is denoted for interest only. Animals were chosen as representatives by each partner. We are all friends and do things together (sometimes, this includes sex).
What does Bear being a primary partner mean to me? As my primary, he's the only partner that I'm planning on procreating with and marrying. He has priority for my time, but doesn't get to dictate how I spend my days, nor with whom. We talk, text, and type all day long to each other. We have some finances that are together, and will be combining more in the future. He's my first emergency contact in case something happens to me. Once we are common-law cohabitants, we will be on the same extended health care plan. He's the one I call when I cut myself, when I'm sad, or wide awake at 3am with insomnia that won't quit. Bear is what most people would just call their "spouse" but he'll always be my primary partner as I may have more than one partner at the time. (See how the Canadian legal definition could include more than one common-law partner).
At first, Bear was having a hard time adjusting to being with me and me being with other people (especially men). I try to be sensitive to my partner's needs, but I was feeling a double-standard that it was fine for me to be sexual with women but not other men. Since then, Bear is more accepting of the fact that I may have sex with other men from time to time, and understands that I'm only really interested in being romantically involved with one cis-man at the moment - him.
Unicorn hunters beware! You are exerting a trifecta of privilege!
I try to be aware of Couple Privilege with Bear when it comes to my other partners. Veto Power has always been an uncomfortable point for me - I don't like any of my partners to feel as though their feelings don't matter. That said, Bear is my primary partner, and his feelings and needs are of paramount importance for my consideration. I can't just run off and do whatever I please, whenever (another misconception around polyamory). No, I need to ask about how he's feeling about a particular issue/event that I'm attending with someone else/behaviour that he observed and negotiate a way forward with him.
In my last blog post, I talked about my D/s connection with Birdfriend. This relationship is as important to me as the one I have with Bear, but it is very different. The expectations are different. The logistics of our lives are not as enmeshed and we have a different understanding of what is permissible in/out of our relationship. Birdfriend can date, have sex with, and engage in other D/s activities with anyone outside of our connection. I don't have any control over their romantic life. Where I do have control, is within the D/s context - there are certain activities that I prefer Birdfriend not to experience with others. We talk it all out, of course, because that's how poly works.
Birdfriend and I have have some plans for our future - a trip to New Zealand in January, a joint desire to support/raise kids together in some fashion, a desire to live close to/on the same property. These plans are just as important to me as my plans to get married and have children with Bear. They are not exclusive plans of each other - another way that poly is so very different from monogamy. My plans with Birdfriend must be considered in conjunction with my plans with Bear. And vice-versa.
A new player has recently come onto my romantic scene...well, a new lover. We'll call her Yak. We've been seeing each other for almost three months and we are definitely riding high on New Relationship Energy. I'm bouncing between these bubbly emotions with this new wonderful lover, keeping my loving connection with Bear evolving and wedding planning moving forward, and making time for Birdfriend adventures. Yak is awesome. She's exactly the kind of female queer lover that I have been looking for ever since I broke up with the last woman I fell in love with 5 years ago. Things are very new, so things are very happy, giddy, expansive, and fun fun fun! She's been in India for the past month, and she gets back this weekend, so I'll save a post about her for next week.
For the first time in many years, I feel emotionally, and sexually fulfilled. I have so many of my needs met that I feel as though my cup runneth-over. And I am SO grateful! I share and show my appreciation for my partners in words, deeds, and touch. I appreciate that my partners gave me permission to write about them, and that they support and encourage my writing. I am truly blessed with these three!!
And because I love infographics so much, I'll end this post with an incredibly complex infographic of the many forms of non-monogamy. You can find a larger version of it here.