I think it is a common human experience to feel as though there are no people "like me" out in the real world. I would argue that this feeling is heightened during puberty as teens are trying to sort out who they are in relation to everyone else. For bisexuals, I think that this experience is likely universal as there are limited access to bisexual stories in media or the news (and what is reported there is often full of negative stereotypes).
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| Some stereotypes I had to face in my teen+ years around my bisexuality. |
Ever since Ellen came out during prime time TV, lesbians have had some sort of representation in media. And lately, things are changing especially for trans* and non-binary kids. However, I still don't come across such programming or education about bisexuality for kids. It would be great if such programs existed and were included in schools and in media. Specifically, I would like there to be more bisexual characters represented in child fiction, cartoons, movies, etc. While some folks feel as though such exposure isn't appropriate for children, I would argue that not allowing children the opportunity to learn about other orientations than heterosexuality makes them less empathetic to LGBTQ2 folks. Ignorance begets ignorance. Its important to allow children to learn about the rainbow flag, LGBTQ2 history, and culture, as they may realize they are a part of that community. It gives kids an access point - a place to start and jump off from.
Sexuality develops young in humans - most humans are aware of sexual attraction from around the age of 10 years old. Parents can often be rather uncomfortable around the idea of their child having a sexuality, but it's better to embrace something than shame it, no? Again, I feel as though with all the childhood psychology out there that things are beginning to improve. However, many LGBTQ2 kids experience negative commentary at home around sexuality that falls outside of what is considered "normal."
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| This, so much THIS. |
Without further ado, here's a letter that I wrote to my 16 year old self:
Dear Me, aged 16,
I know that you are full of frustration and angst these days. You feel that you are changing in ways that your family is unable and unwilling to support. You feel lost, lonely, and uncertain about who you are some days. You feel angry and feel that you are being controlled by your family. You came out to them because you wanted to share your newfound sense of self-understanding, and they reacted so harshly that you just want to run screaming back into the closet for good. You wish that your family would just accept you for who you are. It's likely that your family will not be able to give you what you need - they have done their best with what they know and can do, and it's time to focus on you. Don't spend too much time hating your parents for things they cannot understand. It's 1997, and things won't really normalize for LGBTQ folks for another 15+ years. Know that your parents will come to accept your sexuality in time, even if they don't understand it.
Stop looking for acceptance outside of yourself. I know this is hard to do because you have been more or less programmed this way by school and parental beliefs. But in this, you must actively strive to look inward for recognition and gratitude - and truly know that the only person's opinion that matters is yours. You must learn to love and accept yourself. If you don't, how can you love or accept anyone else? You must learn that even though you are a horny, pent-up teenager that it's better to wait to have sex with someone who knows you well and cares about you instead of random hook-ups fueled by insecurity and feelings of emptiness. This doesn't mean having to wait years for sex, just be smart about it. People (specifically, men) will try to take advantage of your insecurities around sex and belonging. Trust me, I know. Do NOT give in to feelings of worthlessness and fear of being alone. Do NOT engage in sex with anyone who does not respect you or your evolving boundaries. Trust your intuition about people - if you don't feel safe around someone, you likely aren't. Protect your body, your sexuality, and your heart. These are precious things that mean more than money, fame, or recognition. You don't need alcohol to gain access to people who are interested in sex. In fact, you should avoid alcohol/sex interactions wherever possible because these two things don't mix well for you. Learn how to pleasure yourself first - learn your body and what feels good to you so you can better communicate when you are with a partner down the road.
It's awesome that you like both boys and girls. No, there aren't many openly bisexual people in pop culture that you can look up to for role models, but that doesn't mean that you are alone in your bi-ness. Just because you haven't kissed many girls doesn't mean that you aren't bi. You are. It's not a phase. You don't need to explain, justify, or make excuses for your sexuality - especially to people who may not value or accept it. Save your energy for the people who are interested in you, ALL of you, and explore friendships first before moving into the realm of intimacy. Read more - especially books about and for LGBTQ2 people. It will help give you a starting point, exposure to rainbow culture, and give you things to think about to help you figure out your sexuality and what you want for yourself.
Don't let your family shame you for being different. Don't let their judgements prevent you from exploring your sexuality in a safe manner. You will move out of your parent's house and be able to live your life however you want by the time you are 23. I know that university seems like forever away, but please do get involved in Out on Campus instead of shunning it, do explore your sexuality instead of avoiding it. Your years at university are a perfect opportunity to meet other queer folk and learn about yourself in a broader LGBTQ context. Spend time getting to know your queerness and that of other folks. Don't be afraid of your desires, even if you are unclear what they "mean" or where they might be coming "from." Your desires will change over time - some will stay constant, some will ebb and flow, and others will strangely come out of left field and become very important to you. All of this is OK and is a natural process for the maturing human. Don't rush through learning about your process! It'll be many years before you have a clear understanding of which desires are solid, and which are more mutable for you.
Polyamory is a thing that you need to know about. It is not bad, weird, nor morally wrong. It will allow you to have your needs met in a healthy way vis-a-vis others. It will teach you so much about communication, the limitlessness of love, and the importance of time management. Don't be fearful of the fact that you have so much love to give and that you are able to give it to more than one person at a time. Read up, learn about, and dispel myths surrounding "The One" so that you don't accidentally buy-in to heteronormativity. Know that you will fall in of love with many people of various genders at different times of your life. You will go through periods of loss, grief, and loneliness, but you will always be surrounded by loving friends. Don't date boys just because it's an easy way to not be lonely or feel like the only teenager without a paramour to kiss during a free period at high school.
Life isn't a competition. Don't measure yourself against anyone else's standards of "normal." There is no such thing as normal. You will try and make your round self fit into square boxes and it will make you mad. Realize that your differences make you unique, fun, interesting, dynamic, and that it is OK that your desires fall outside opposite-sex relationships. You are the one living this life. No one else. Don't let anyone tell you how to live your life, especially when it comes to matters of your heart. You get to determine content as you are the author of your life's story. What do you want your story to say? That you gave into peer pressure and refused to live honestly? That fitting in was more important that fleshing-out your character development? That discovering yourself was too challenging a task to deal with? Realize your agency in situations - life isn't "happening" to you, you are making it happen.
Make your own rules, then live by them, with the knowledge that the rules will change over time. Nothing is static. Nothing evolves in isolation. Accept these things and you will realize how empowered you actually are as a person. Tap into yourself and discover your core values, shed any ideas that don't serve you right now, make space for allowing new ideas to come, be creative and make them personal, and revise any rules as they don't seem to fit the mold as you go along. While you need to continue abiding by your parents' rules at home, develop your own internal rules for dating and sex. Your personal rules matter. Learn how to enforce them. Sometimes this is learning how to say "no" in a circumstance that you would normally find challenging to stop. Sometimes this is discussing why you won't get involved in a particular project because it's unsafe or unsexy to you. Sometimes it's leaving a party that you don't feel comfortable at. Whatever way you move forward, always put your safety first.
Things will get better, I promise you, 16 year-old me. You will find a way to truly love and accept yourself as you are. You will create and maintain a network of queer friends and straight allies that will have your back no matter what. You will find love - in many forms and guises - and you will, in time, discern between NRE/infatuation feelings and real love. Your abilities to learn, grow, and adapt are your greatest skills and will serve you well over the years. I believe that you will make better choices than I did at your age. Although your life may not turn out the way you expect it to, know that you are always exactly where you are supposed to be in any given moment. Don't try to "check-out" of your reality so much. Breathe. Know that you are not alone. All that is required of you is to stay the course of getting to know the person you are supposed to become.
Love,
Yourself, aged 35
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| I am 16, going on 17... |
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