It's Complicated, but not really

A few years back, Facebook decided to add a new relationship status choice from its drop-down menu called It's Complicated. It was for folks in non-monogamous arrangements to let friends, family, and prospective partners know that they were, in fact, seeing someone (likely several someones). It was a break away from normative-monogamy in a big way - social media mimicking real life. While It's Complicated gives a conveniently nebulous description that could encompass many ideas of relationships, I don't think that polyamory is necessarily complicated. It's based on open, honest, communication; boundary setting; time management; understanding one's desires; and building/maintaining a community of relationships.

There are many misconceptions about polyamory. This meme summed it up pretty well for me:

Samantha from SATC says "I'm a 'try-sexual', I'll try anything once."
Ah scheduling. It really is an art, and probably the only way I can keep my days straight, and when I'm seeing whom etc. Add chronic pain appointments to the mix - I'm a busy gal.

Polyamory has become such a buzzword in recent years. It's all over media - news, tv, Netflix shows, books, internet articles, etc. People who engage in polyamory are often white, educated, fairly wealthy, and often, straight. But many many folks of the LGBTQ2 spectrum are also "poly" or even "relationship anarchists." Autostraddle conducted a sex/relationship survey of its readers back in 2015 and some rather interesting results have come out of the data, especially when looking at monogamous people in non-monogamous relationships and vice-versa.

Polyamory is a relatively new descriptor of my lifestyle. When I look back over my dating "career" of the past 20 years or so, I see a tendency for multiple love/sex interests at the same time. Perhaps in some ways I had always been poly, but it took a lot of other coming-out work before I adopted poly as an appropriate self-identifier. I used to have a lot of internalized shame around my poly feelings. I would feel like a horrible person because I felt attraction to, or felt feelings for several people (and often at the same time) while within a monogamous relationship. I would feel like I was emotionally or mentally cheating on my partner in my head, even if no outward actions had occurred.

After realizing that my sexual orientation and desires didn't align with heteronormative-monogamous society's script for women, I began to do some research into polyamory and whether or not it would work for me. I read the Ethical Slut first (which, although a bit dated, seems to be a common introduction to poly book), and then onwards to Opening Up which gave me lots of case samples to consider. I flagged and highlighted and wrote notes in the columns of these books. I read poly blogs, talked to poly friends, and constantly underwent internal reflection to gain understanding of how I wanted my poly to be. I keep learning about poly all the time - both from reading, and from actually living poly.

I started dating multiple people around 2012, and learned quickly that 2 to 3 people at once is my maximum in terms of time and energy allotments. I started dating the Bear and the Birdfriend within a few months of each other. Then I started dating another woman as well, but she didn't enjoy being part of a poly connection, so that didn't last. Then Birdfriend and I decided that dating wasn't working for us, and decided to shift focus to the D/s, chosen family, bff aspects of our relationship.

A little graphic I made to show the different connections I have (Oct 2016). The red lines indicate a romantic connection predominating, the burgundy line indicates a D/s connection predominating. Sex/gender is denoted for interest only. Animals were chosen as representatives by each partner. We are all friends and do things together (sometimes, this includes sex).

What does Bear being a primary partner mean to me? As my primary, he's the only partner that I'm planning on procreating with and marrying. He has priority for my time, but doesn't get to dictate how I spend my days, nor with whom. We talk, text, and type all day long to each other. We have some finances that are together, and will be combining more in the future. He's my first emergency contact in case something happens to me. Once we are common-law cohabitants, we will be on the same extended health care plan. He's the one I call when I cut myself, when I'm sad, or wide awake at 3am with insomnia that won't quit. Bear is what most people would just call their "spouse" but he'll always be my primary partner as I may have more than one partner at the time. (See how the Canadian legal definition could include more than one common-law partner).

At first, Bear was having a hard time adjusting to being with me and me being with other people (especially men). I try to be sensitive to my partner's needs, but I was feeling a double-standard that it was fine for me to be sexual with women but not other men. Since then, Bear is more accepting of the fact that I may have sex with other men from time to time, and understands that I'm only really interested in being romantically involved with one cis-man at the moment - him.

Unicorn hunters beware! You are exerting a trifecta of privilege!

I try to be aware of Couple Privilege with Bear when it comes to my other partners. Veto Power has always been an uncomfortable point for me - I don't like any of my partners to feel as though their feelings don't matter. That said, Bear is my primary partner, and his feelings and needs are of paramount importance for my consideration. I can't just run off and do whatever I please, whenever (another misconception around polyamory). No, I need to ask about how he's feeling about a particular issue/event that I'm attending with someone else/behaviour that he observed and negotiate a way forward with him.

In my last blog post, I talked about my D/s connection with Birdfriend. This relationship is as important to me as the one I have with Bear, but it is very different. The expectations are different. The logistics of our lives are not as enmeshed and we have a different understanding of what is permissible in/out of our relationship. Birdfriend can date, have sex with, and engage in other D/s activities with anyone outside of our connection. I don't have any control over their romantic life. Where I do have control, is within the D/s context - there are certain activities that I prefer Birdfriend not to experience with others. We talk it all out, of course, because that's how poly works.

Birdfriend and I have have some plans for our future - a trip to New Zealand in January, a joint desire to support/raise kids together in some fashion, a desire to live close to/on the same property. These plans are just as important to me as my plans to get married and have children with Bear. They are not exclusive plans of each other - another way that poly is so very different from monogamy. My plans with Birdfriend must be considered in conjunction with my plans with Bear. And vice-versa.

A new player has recently come onto my romantic scene...well, a new lover. We'll call her Yak. We've been seeing each other for almost three months and we are definitely riding high on New Relationship Energy. I'm bouncing between these bubbly emotions with this new wonderful lover, keeping my loving connection with Bear evolving and wedding planning moving forward, and making time for Birdfriend adventures. Yak is awesome. She's exactly the kind of female queer lover that I have been looking for ever since I broke up with the last woman I fell in love with 5 years ago. Things are very new, so things are very happy, giddy, expansive, and fun fun fun! She's been in India for the past month, and she gets back this weekend, so I'll save a post about her for next week.

For the first time in many years, I feel emotionally, and sexually fulfilled. I have so many of my needs met that I feel as though my cup runneth-over. And I am SO grateful! I share and show my appreciation for my partners in words, deeds, and touch. I appreciate that my partners gave me permission to write about them, and that they support and encourage my writing. I am truly blessed with these three!!

And because I love infographics so much, I'll end this post with an incredibly complex infographic of the many forms of non-monogamy. You can find a larger version of it here.