Monday, 20 November 2017

#metoo, #nowwhat, and #wheredowegofromhere?

Since the New York Times broke the news about the Hollywood scumbag, Harvey Weinstein, about six + weeks ago, I've been in an emotional place. I find myself sad, angry, sometimes enveloped in full-blown feminist rage; while at the same time, I'm a really exhausted survivor trying to deal with the overflow of hardcore news about sexual violence on my Facebook feed. As more and more women came forward about Harvey (the current count is at 65 btw), so too did the stories of sexual abuse of many women, men, and non-binary folks assaulted at the hands of powerful men until it flooded the daily news cycle. You can't ignore the critical mass of folks screaming #metoo anymore, which is arguably, a good thing.

Cartoon figures of many backgrounds and genders stand in a #metoo formation.
And yet, the #metoo campaign put the onus of abuse on the victims and not on the perpetrators. Well, that my friends is starting to change. People are now starting to have real dialogue about sexual assault and abuse and looking at some rather uncomfortable truths. Some men have started to make efforts and take responsibility by sharing the #Iwillspeakup call to action. Men are starting to realize that:

"...it's not just Hollywood. Viewing women as objects, property and having less value than men is something that all males have been taught, even by 'well-meaning men,' and we pass that on to our boys. So this has to become a men's issue, because men won't stop unless other men say so." [A Call to Men co-founder Ted Bunch].

A major uncomfortable truth is that cis men are the ones that perpetrate sexual crimes. There's no mincing my words here. After doing some rather depressing research into sexual assault statistics, I have to say that it's clear that the data is heavily skewed towards the ubiquitous nature of sexual violence perpetrated by men towards people of all genders.

Men comprise 93%-99% of perpetrators of sexual violence

This is so disheartening. No caption really needed....

WTF is going on?! Well, dear readers, what we are seeing is the ugly up-ending of a Pandora's box called Rape Culture. If you don't know what Rape Culture is, I highly suggest you read this article and this blog post. Rape Culture affects all of us, whether or not we are aware of it. It's why I ask my female and non-binary friends to text me when they get home safely after taking transit/walking home. It's why I sometimes carry my keys in my hands when I'm alone at night, in case someone tries to grab me and I need them as a weapon. It's why I sit near the driver on a late-night bus if I'm alone. It's why I constantly turn around when I'm walking on the street alone if I feel like someone is following me. It's why I won't go out to certain bars where I know that sexual predation is likely. It's why I sometimes pretend I don't speak English if a man is harassing me on the street. I could go on.


With the sexual abuse whistleblowing that's going on, no one is "safe" from being called out. But I want to make something really really clear here, this is NOT a witch-hunt. Women, boys, and gender-diverse people have been historically wronged by so many men in so many ways over so many centuries (and some, including me, would argue that this has been taking place over millennia). People are finally coming together and saying ENOUGH to systemic Rape Culture. Victims are no longer willing to stay silent, and we are coming out in force to say that the time has come for this awful power imbalance bullshit to end.

I was really disheartened when a comedian that I happen to enjoy (well, 80% of the time anyways), was revealed to be a sexual predator. I'm talking about Louis CK here. He issued an "apology" that really wasn't an apology. What it was, was an acknowledgement of his wrongdoing, but that's it. I agree wholeheartedly with what Franchesca Ramsey said about Louis. This response on Twitter kind of sums it up better than I could write it out:


Many of his friends have now had to come forward and deal with the fallout from these allegations. I was really touched by Sarah Silverman's response to the whole deal:




Going back to the "evidence," there is an obvious trend in the statistical data that shows how there is often an age element to sexual violence - another indicator of this type of behaviour being about power and not about sex at all.... And that's where I need to talk about another predator, and hopeful Alabama Senate candidate, Roy Moore. Moore has been accused by 9 (and counting) women of inappropriate sexual advances and groping when they were underage. He was even banned by his local mall for stalking and irritating teenagers when he was in his 30's. The Sears in his home town had a "Roy Moore Protocol" so that young employees knew to call over a supervisor if they saw him in the store if they were working alone. And now he's running for state senator of Alabama. And his local supporters are rabidly defending him more now that he's been accused by multiple women. Let that sink in a bit, and you'll begin to understand the depth of Rape Culture.



Not sure if you can read it, but it says "for 83% of sexual assault cases, the accused person was older than the victim."
It's also been a bit frustrating to see once great politicians, who had come out against Harvey Weinstein and others, to then get "fingered" as a sexual perpetrator. I'm talking about Al Franken, unfortunately. I was a big fan of Senator Franken, but now, I'm just as disgusted by him as by so many others that behave in this fashion. And like Louis CK, Franken issued a non-apologetic apology to his victim and called for an ethics investigation into himself. Furthermore, there is an informal "Creep List" of approximately 50+ men that exists in Washington DC, and female politicians/government workers have shared protocols to help each other avoid sexual predation. I wish I was making this up.

So what do we do now? Well, I think it's time we look at how we raise and socialize boys and girls differently. It's time that we stop "protecting" the egos of boys and men (especially around sex) and teach them how to treat everyone with respect. Michelle Obama said it best, I think,

“Are we protecting our men too much so they feel a little entitled and self-righteous sometimes? But, that’s kind of on us too as women and mothers, as we nurture men and push girls to be perfect.” She also joked with men that they need to take a cue from women and talk with one another more than they do.
“Y’all should get you some friends,” she laughed, pointing to the men in the audience. “Y’all need to go talk to each other about your stuff, because there’s so much of it! And it's messy. Talk about why y’all are the way you are.”
It's no surprise that women talk more to each other about what's going on at a deep level for them. Women are encouraged to be that way. But men, well, I can't say what dudes talk about when no women are around...but I'd like to offer a challenge to the men in my life. I want you to look at your past and current actions, thoughts, and attitudes about women. Have you transgressed in the past? Do you find yourself not believing the ubiquity of sexual violence towards women, trans and non-binary folks, and children? Do you think that all these allegations are just a snowball effect and not real? Do you find yourself blaming victims for not coming forward sooner? Do you feel that your sexual needs are more interesting/important than your partners'? Do you sometimes have sex with your partner even though she/he/they don't really seem into it at the time (but you think you can get them in the mood)? These are tough questions to ask yourselves guys. I believe that it's critical for men to do this type of self-reflection right now



What do you do if you are a man who has sexually harassed someone? How do you own up to your actions, make real amends, and find a way to heal yourself and any victims you made? A friend of mine on Facebook posted this gem of an article. It gives clear steps on how former perpetrators can now make a difference in the lives of the people that they negatively affected. I can image that a truly repentant individual would find this a difficult journey to move forward and heal from, but it's so important to support these efforts.
I could write about my own experiences of sexual harassment, assault, and rape, but I feel as though I have already addressed that in other blog posts. For myself, I want to ensure that there is awareness about these issues, that my words affect change, and that I foster the creation of Consent Culture everywhere I go. Here's a fantastic comic by Kimchi Cuddles about consent:
Consent means checking in even after "things get started" to ensure your partner is totally present and on board with your activities. Don't make assumptions!
 And the comic below really drives the point home, I think, about how sex isn't something that's given or taken from another person, it's a creative process that involves two or more people - an action, not a thing. We need to teach our children and our society how to infuse all interpersonal interactions with respect. We need to understand that consent isn't just about sex - it's applicable for any form of touch (for example, I like to be asked if I want a hug, rather than have someone launch-hug me). If we started this respectful practice from a young age, imagine how quickly the prevalence of sexual violence would drop. But today is not yet that day, and there is still much to be done. Please be a part of the conversation, take some action today to help change systematic misogyny and rape culture. It's up to ALL of us to make a change.


Saturday, 4 November 2017

October flew past like a banshee


It's been a rather busy month. Upon moving into my new shared den with Bear, we discovered a backup in our kitchen sink with a leak that went under the cabinets, oven, and seeped through the drywall and into the carpet in my bedroom. Seriously! I opened the door and that was the first thing I saw! So now our den is in a state of deconstruction while we wait for the restoration folks to send workers over to put our Humpty-Dumpty kitchen back together again. It's been more than three weeks without a kitchen sink or dishwasher, and we are not able to unpack and settle in the way we would like to.


October included important weeks like Mental Health Awareness Week and Invisible Disabilities Week. As I'm impacted by both of these issues, I had planned to write blog content about how I was engaging with it and also how I'm doing on those fronts. But then I caught a really horrible viral cold that knocked my ass flat for over a week and my brain capacity dwindled to what little I could manage.

Mental Health Awareness Week was brought to my attention at work (of all places) as my employer has been pushing for more awareness among it's workers on this front (and other wellness initiatives), which is positive. However, it also felt a little like lip-service as there was no real discussion of it in the workplace. I recall telling certain coworkers earlier this spring that I suffered from depression and S.A.D. I told them that when I'm at my lowest point, I feel so incredibly alone and that I believe no one cares at all about me. I know that these thoughts aren't mirroring reality, but this is how depression works folks. I think that was a bit tough for my coworkers to hear and they promptly changed the subject. But it's true. I've been struggling with the onset of my S.A.D. I can feel it creeping into my brain with foggy, dull wispy fingers. I sometimes feel powerless to stop it.

I'm trying to go outside every day that it's dry, and even if it's raining to get some "real air" into my lungs as recycled building air gets to me in winter time. I sometimes wonder that my depression will damage my romantic relationships. It does get in the way sometimes, and I internalize some guilt over it. I don't like being depressed. Most people seem surprised upon meeting me that I have it. But it's a real thing for me, and I'm trying to face it during a time when I feel really messed up and want to withdraw. But here I am, trying.

Invisible Disabilities Week as actually a "thing" I "celebrated" this year. I even changed my Facebook profile picture to include a frame to share my status with folks to raise awareness about how prevalent these types of disabilities are (in fact, they comprise the BULK of all disabilities). Firstly, let's define what a disability is with a friendly bear's help:



OK, so what are invisible disabilities? Well, there are many, many, many kinds. Here are just a few examples:


I've become disabled through three car accidents that took place about 7 years ago now. While I've definitely gained much of my functionality back over time, the chronic pain and muscle inflammation, chronic TMJ, and pelvic floor issues have kept me feeling like I've been treading water nonstop for the past several years. It's exhausting. My life is often about pain-mitigation. I have started carrying around my "donut" cushion again because my tailbone feels sore and needs the extra protection on hard transit seats. And speaking of transit.... I finally broke down and bought an Invisible Disabilities transit pass holder because I was so exhausted and heartbroken by the ageist ableist vitriol that was spewed at me by elderly riders.


The pass holder is pretty cool and it comes with 50 awareness cards that I can hand out if someone is curious about what an invisible disability is. I haven't worn the bracelet or lapel pin yet, but I plan to. I have an extra bracelet (that glows in the dark!) if someone would like to claim it. 😃

Ok, I think I'm out of spoons for this post. Stay tuned for more blogs in future about how these issues intersect with other aspects of my life.

Thursday, 21 September 2017

It's Bisexuality Awareness week!

I did it! A full year of thoughtful queer content!

It's been fully one year since I started this blog about bisexuality, queer themes, polyamory, and wellness intersectionality. My how the time flies! I want to thank all of my readers for staying with me, and supporting me throughout my process! Thank you for your feedback, and don't be afraid to leave comments on my posts! I enjoy thoughtful (and respectful) discourse about topics I present.

It's that time of year again!

It's Bisexual Awareness Week in case you didn't know...and 2017 has been a year where more and more folks are coming out as bi/queer as there is a bit more understanding in society about life beyond the binary. And yet....there's still the problem of representation for bisexual/queer folks in media, in children's stories, in politics, and the ongoing issues of negative social and health outcomes for bisexuals that need to be addressed.

Let me back this up a bit. Yes, there are now more sexually diverse and gender-variant characters on TV, and yes, more celebrities have come out about being bisexual/queer/poly this year, thus increasing bisexual visibility in media. However, I'm still noticing how many people online and in the real world don't really understand or respect bisexuality/queerness. Especially when it comes to services, medical needs, and specific queer parenting challenges. It's like society is sometimes willing to grudgingly admit that bisexuals exist but then don't put any supports in place to sustain that awareness. This article shows the range of experiences that bi people face when coming out (huzzah for Teen Vogue!)

Attitudes like the ones in this graphic below continue to persist in the real world and online:


The whole "picking a side" thing really is a complex issue. On the one hand, if you "pick a side" you may be ostracized by the LGBTQ2 community as settling, especially if you "choose" a heteronormative monogamous relationship. Or you de facto become gay to straight people (hello, invisibility). On the other hand, if you don't "pick a side," you're often seen as a "messy" bisexual, greedy, promiscuous (not a negative in my view) or a fence-sitter. Ugh. No way to win!

"This banner's on the fence. Bisexuals aren't." From this Tumblr account.

Here's an excellent video that sums up how (some) people respond when you tell them you are bi/queer:
"Aha! So it IS a choice!" - groan...

It's a tough thing to come out to people as someone who loves and fucks outside the gender binary. Especially when you are unsure of how they will react to the news. In an effort to be more visible, I've started coming out to more and more coworkers, but I'm mindful of which people I share my life info with because I don't want to feel potential negative social or career implications, even though my rights are enshrined in the Canadian Charter of Rights & Freedoms of 1982. This fear is something that straight people will never understand, and it keeps me mindful of my safety. Even though this blog is public, I am careful of which audience I share it to on Facebook and I've removed the ability to track me down via this blog (again, to ensure my safety). I've also started sharing my poly reality with coworkers as well in an effort to normalize it, promote awareness, and get support when things are overwhelming. So far, it's been pretty positive. Folks tend to be confused about non-monogamy, especially when I tell them that I'm married to a man, and often the poly thing is harder for people to wrap their heads around than being bi. However, my sexuality and polyamory are totally intertwined (but I recognize that this isn't the case for all bi people).

Do I have to pick one path? Poly allows me to pick more than one, thus, I'm not choosing a side, but choosing something like "d) All of the Above" if this was a multiple choice question.

Bisexual/queer folks experience double discrimination as well as invisibility - from the straight community AND from the gay/lesbian community. Let me use the following two "exhibits" to demonstrate what I mean by double discrimination.

Exhibit A: A bisexual woman's experience of discrimination based on perception and partner's gender:
Seriously?!


Exhibit B: Discrimination from the gay community:
Here's a prime example of discrimination against a bi person from a gay person.

And while there are many resources available to Gays and Lesbians for emotional, mental, and physical health, there is almost no such similar infrastructure in place for bi/queer folk. In fact, you never even hear about the existence of a "bisexual community," it's always "the Gay and Lesbian X, Y, Z...." The only place that I have really felt a sense of community is online, and with the one I intentionally built around me - my chosen family. I'm lucky that my doctor even bothers to ask me if I have sex with men and women as most doctors will assume you are straight unless you tell them. 

I feel that Vancouver is making some good strides to create events that foster awareness and make space for folks across the gender and sexuality spectrum to come together and witness and celebrate each other (especially during Pride season). I can go to queer events and feel like I can be me and (mostly) be seen. However, I think that Canada could do better overall with regards to bisexual awareness, based on the fact that the events listed on www.bivisibilityday.com are kind of lacking and only for Toronto-area residents:

Come on rest of Canada! Let's get this bi-coastal bi party started!

You may be wondering what you can do to help with biphobia, bi-erasure, discrimination, and shit attitudes towards queers? Well, here's some ideas:


Read books and blogs written by bisexuals to gain further awareness and understanding. Go onto YouTube and watch some videos by a bisexual vloggers (like Eliel Cruz below). Ask questions if you don't understand what to do better as an ally. Add a bisexual visibility day banner to your Facebook profile picture. March with your friends at Pride. Work with other LG groups to promote intra-queer understanding and inclusivity. Donate to bisexual organizations that work to help eradicate those sad statistics about bisexual health outcomes, like the Bisexual Resource Centre


Thanks for helping making my world more inclusive! I hope that through my writings that readers will gain more understanding, compassion, and that the information herein promotes behaviours that create more LGBTQ2 cohesiveness. Peace.

Friday, 15 September 2017

Where are we now?

The past month or so has been full of personal challenges for me that I haven't been ready to write about and share on my blog until now. When it comes to exposing some of my deepest thoughts and feelings, I try to ensure that I write from a place of calm objective honesty, rather than irrational myopic bias. Some of what I'm going to share today is connected to previous posts like Communication Breakdown, but some thoughts will be entirely new to my blogsphere.

2017 has been a year of big changes in my life. I got married, I'm in the process of packing for moving in with the Bear (finally), and I've been devoting a lot of my energy to finding more appropriate employment. I've been deepening my poly connections, whilst making some new friends and reconnecting with old ones along the way. I've been navigating difficult health issues (both physical and mental) and trying to find a way forward to wellness.

August was a particularly rough month for me. I was dealing with intense feelings around being excluded from my poly circle (again, due to money, and physical limitations); I had removed the hormonal IUD I've been on for the past five years which was messing up my body chemistry big time; and I was head-long in the search for new housing. My stress level was therefore, really high. My physical pain symptoms made sleep difficult. My mental health started to decline...and sleep became very challenging. I could feel my true self feeling trapped in a little jail surrounded by depression and hard thoughts. And I felt powerless inside to stop some of the thoughts and behaviours that were elicited by my depression. My thoughts became extreme and Bear had to run interference when he saw/heard that I was clearly going off the rails. Thank you Bear for helping me through those hard moments.

OMG the varying feels of depression. This is fairly accurate for me at times.
Depression for me comes in waves. And it can be exacerbated by other people's depression too. I have to make sure that my mental health issues don't get compounded by those of my various partners.

This time, the depression was a direct result of grieving what I felt was a perceived change in my relationship with Birdfriend. While things have been shifting this year between us, something happened in the couple months directly after we came home from New Zealand. I'm not even sure what that "thing" was that changed. But we both felt it. And it got aggravated by me feeling left out and not supported with regards to my chronic pain and ability. And then my brain and the maelstrom of mad thoughts took over and things have been in steady decline between us for the past few months. To the point where it was painful for me to even think about Birdfriend. And I shut down.


Birdfriend has been very patient and trying to be supportive. But they have been very frustrated with me as well, and I don't really blame them for it. It's tough being partnered with someone who has mental health issues that cycle through being fine, and then NOT. And when I'm really not well, I push people away - including Birdfriend (which I can image has been painful for them). I know that my depression is tough on Bear too - he's dealt with the brunt of my darkness. However, trying to talk about depression when you are in it is next to impossible, hence the quote above. It's a Catch-22 type of situation. You know that dialogue will help things, but you are so deep in your head that you can't even see anything outside of yourself. Like the old saying, "can't see the forest for the trees." It's a really shitty place to experience life from, and sometimes I'm simply not able to shake myself out of the feeling.

Yep. Sometimes I'm doing the reassuring, and at other times, I'm needing reassurance.

This past week I've had a few very in-depth and difficult conversations. They were MUCH needed conversations, but still, hard to have. The first one(s) was with Birdfriend around how we both aren't really happy with the current incarnation of our connection and how to address that without "throwing the baby out with the bathwater." This conversation was a long time in the making, probably almost a year...and it was good to really check-in and be honest with each other about our feelings and how we can better hear, be with, and support one another. We are still trying to "land" this conversation as there is more discussion and negotiation needed in order to move forward. However, we are both committed to finding a way forward that works for us both. And I do have faith that we will find a way. Our relationship is one of the most unique, nourishing, expansive connections I've ever had in my life. And I value and cherish it immensely, as does Birdfriend.

Ah, pre-conversation jitters. How they make just starting a tough conversation all the more difficult.
The second conversation I've had this week has been with Yak. I realize that I haven't been writing much about Yak and my connection with her for the past few months, and I plan on writing something specific soon... Yak and I have been cycling through what feels like the same conversation for the past several months about how to conceptualize and evolve our current relationship. It was clear that we both feel lots of love and passion for each other, but that there was also a feeling of limitation on both sides. I felt limited in that I wanted to offer more to Yak, and she felt limited because she thought I was living from a place of hierarchical poly and thus, she couldn't have more from me. It took us months to finally figure it out and have a clearer conversation about it, and I'm so glad that we did figure out what the wrench in the works was because it was making us both kind of nuts. I know that more conversations with Yak are needed so that we both feel heard and are getting our needs met in and out of the relationship. And again, I have faith that we will find a way forward.

For my readers, I would like to clarify something. I don't believe in, nor participate in hierarchical polyamory. I think it's shit, frankly. I find that hierarchies make participants who are "lower in rank" feel less or even unimportant, can make folks feel like they have little agency in the relationship, and can make partners feel marginalized. I don't want my sweeties to feel that way. I believe in a more egalitarian soly-poly type approach to relationships (bordering on relationship anarchy). When I am with my partner, I am with them. I try not to look at my phone or message my other partners; I try and give them my full self in the moment; and I make space for them daily (messages, happy thoughts, making plans etc).

While I do have a primary partner in Bear, I sometimes don't really feel like I need the word "primary" to describe in my head what I feel for him. He's my spouse, and my husbear, and my partner. Birdfriend is my non-primary, but again, I feel like I could drop the "non-primary" and just call them partner. Yak is my lover, and that currently fits, but I'm open to changing the label if it no longer fits for us.

I'm going to close this blog post with a most excellent comic from Kimchi Cuddles:

Plenty of room in my heart for all three of my partners.

Friday, 8 September 2017

Where the bi boys are


Since I developed this blog about a year ago, I've been wanting to write a piece specifically about bisexual men. I am very curious about how the experiences of bisexual men differ from women, and so I've been collecting online articles, watching YouTube videos, and speaking with the bi men in my social circle to get a better idea of how bisexual men move through the world. The differences are interesting to say the least...

Where bisexual women are often perceived as straight and wanting male attention, bisexual men are often perceived as gay. These stereotypes are toxic and cissexist. I think that Eliel Cruz said it best in this article:

For a man to be interested in multiple genders, especially those from either ends of the feminine or masculine spectrum, breaks down the cisheternormative idea of a binary attraction in which masculinity must attract femininity.
The stereotype, which is cissexist, is that bi women are actually straight and bi men are actually gay because of the attraction to men. A patriarchal, and binary, understanding of sexuality says that once you like men you must only like men.

Here's a painful example from a survey that Glamour Magazine ran last year:


The "bisexual men don't exist" idea is so prevalent that men are often pushed to either create a supportive community because there is no space for them in LGBTQ2 circles despite the being a clear part of that acronym; or they stay in the closet or are vague about their sexuality to others because they don't feel safe to come out and be accepted for who they are. Because bisexual men are often just seen as gay and therefore, sexual predators (shudder, another stereotype that needs to die), they get pushed out of their jobs if they come out, like this bi teacher in Kentucky who came out to his class to help support a suicidal LGBTQ2 teen. We need to support these men. They are people too!

For more "reactions" by women about men coming out to them as bi, go check out this article.


This video is an awesome look into the stereotypes around bisexual men, definitely worth a watch! TheNotAdam has many "Ask a Bi Guy" episodes, so if you want to delve deep into topics around men's bisexuality, go for it!

Given how I view human sexuality as this fluid, evolving, and highly personal thing, I totally disagree with the stereotype about bi men being gay. The bisexual men I know are: married to men, date women but fuck men, date men but fuck women, or date/fuck all genders. This stereotype just doesn't hold water, and it plays into the larger problematic stereotype that all bi/queer folks seem to deal with - that you can't be bi/queer - you have to pick a side. Which is rubbish, really. And to say that men aren't sexually fluid is to discount their experiences and their stories. Attraction exists on a continuum, as does sexuality, and this is true for all genders.

One my my favourite YouTube vloggers, Arielle Scarcella, posted this awesome video just this past week where "Bisexual Guys Explain [liking] Men vs. Women". It was really illuminating to watch.


Another painful stereotype about bisexual men has to do with the transmission of HIV and STI's to women and this causes many women to expressly NOT date bisexual men. Women see bisexual men as risky and make assumptions about their honesty around self-reporting HIV, testing, and safe sexual practices. To those women, I like to give them a bit of a slap across the face and ask them when was the last time their cis-hetero male partner was tested. While it is true that gay and bisexual men are dis-proportionally affected by HIV, it does not stand to reason that all of these men are potentially HIV positive. Straight men can transmit HIV to their female partners too. Moreover, it's now been shown that biphobia puts bisexual men at risk for increased STI's because the stigma keeps them in the closet, and prevents them from seeking medical testing and care.

This data is from 2009 - I'd like to see an updated graph. But the story is clear...
Interestingly, the #1 issue that gay/bisexual men reported (click here for full report) wasn't around HIV (that was tied for the #2 issue with "equal rights" and "marriage equality") but rather about discrimination/stigma/lack of acceptance. This mirrors what I have seen in bisexual women's data as well. Clearly, this issue is a cause for concern as it reflects the negative health outcomes reported last September by the Movement Advancement Project. Thus, if we tackle the stigma (in both the hetero and LGBTQ2 arenas) around bisexuality, I believe that we could improve mental health and sexual health outcomes for us folks under the bi umbrella.

Thursday, 3 August 2017

PRIDE is upon us

It's that time of year again. Pride. Aka Gay Christmas. Aka the time of year when folks across the rainbow spectrum come together, party/celebrate, overextend themselves under the hot sun at day/strobe lights at night, and then ultimately crash on Tuesday morning. Pride.

For many years I didn't feel entitled to be a part of Pride. I didn't attend the parade or events, I had mixed feelings about people parading their sexuality through the streets (yay, growing up Catholic), and I didn't know where I fit into the whole "celebrate your queerness thing." As a bi person growing up, I heard about Gay Pride and Lesbian Pride but absolute silence on any mention of Bi Pride. I felt that there simply wasn't a space during Pride time that I could access, belong to, or be loudly, vocally my queer self. After doing some internet research and talking to some queer folks, I realize that I am not alone in feeling this way during Pride.

Image borrowed from Bi.org's blog. But you get the idea, right?
To this day, many queer women (and men) still don't feel like there is a place for them at Pride. In 2016, the dating app HER did a survey (approx 3,000 US women responded) and found that about one third of respondents felt unwelcome/not included at Pride. This speaks volumes. LGBTQ Nation also posted a recent article about this sense of unease and exclusivity at Pride events. Pride events tend to center around white, gay, cis-male culture - this might be because of patriarchy, racism, and economic reasons that would be hard to untangle here in this blog post. Further, even though the Queer Community writ large is supposed to be this awesome all-encompassing culture of inclusion and acceptance, there's still the "leave your opposite-sex partner at home during Pride" vibe palpable in the air. If you don't believe me, check out this Tumblr post that has been making the rounds on the internet:

From the website NotAdamandSteve.com I highly recommend that you read the article in the link.

When I started dating women, I began to come out more to Pride events...especially if I was with a same-sex partner. But when I started dating Bear, I didn't feel comfortable bringing him around to Pride events - especially ones geared towards women only. But even in mixed events, I felt awkward with him there next to me. I realized that I was feeling invisible as a bi/queer woman. Holding the hand of a big, masculine, cis-gendered Bear during Pride made me look de facto straight. Something that makes my queer insides cringe.

Truth (also, I really want to fix the grammar in this to "are most of them")

Feeling invisible happens to me daily because of my personal Femme styling and because folks may know about my husband but not about Birdfriend or Yak. Being affectionate with Bear at Pride events makes me feel as though any queer participant looking at us would see a straight couple. Bear wants to be included in Pride - both as my partner but also as my ally and support. He wants to celebrate my queerness with me. Something that I find really sweet and encouraging. In past years, I kept this joint celebrating contained to Pride Sunday, a night where the entire community tends to go all out, all together. This year, I'm including Bear in some of my Saturday festivities as well (he's coming with me to his first kink event!) because I want him to feel that he is an active participant in my queer life.

I also need to do some internal work around this issue as well. This article is something that I have been mulling over the past few days and I can relate to aspects of the writer's experience. The quote below is a personal truth I hold, but I think I need to next-level this idea and realize that it expands outwards to include being queer in public space:


Because I know in my heart that I am:
And that I deserve to celebrate my queerness at Pride.

Luckily for me, I live in Vancouver where there are several events and marches that are geared to other sections of the rainbow community other than cis-male gay events. I will be marching in the Dyke March (even though I'm not a dyke) on Saturday with Birdfriend, Meerkat, and a friend. This March is one of the most important events to me at Pride as it's my only real opportunity to be seen in public as queer with my chosen family connections, lovers, and friends. I love how the Dyke March explicitly states that this event/festival is for:

Can I get a high-five? Anyways, I'm feeling more grounded and ready to integrate more fully as my whole self at Pride this year, not just the parts of me that certain members of the community want to engage with. Further, I'm avoiding/boycotting events that are corporate, white, cis-centric focused and instead spending my hard earned dollar on events that are inclusive of POC (people of colour), accessible, and open to all genders/orientations. Huzzah!

Friday, 21 July 2017

The Menagerie goes to BitF

For the past four years, I have replenished my soul in summer by heading either north or Southeast to go to the local Burning Man event (Burn in the Forest, or BitF hereafter). There's something really satisfying about camping outside with friends and locals while sharing our stories, art, and sometimes our bodies. This year, my entire polycule (which I call the Menagerie due to all the animals therein) went to BitF together. We camped mostly together, went to events together, cuddled together, laughed together, and had a great time.

A polycule is: A romantic network, or a particular subset of relationships within a romantic network, whose members are closely connected. Also used to describe a sketch or visualization of a romantic network, as these drawings often resemble the depiction of molecules used in organic chemistry. Elements of friendship also have space in a polycule.
This was the first time that I've had all three of my current poly people together in one place for more than a few hours. It was a bit challenging at times regarding time management (three lovely folks to spend time with, plus all those parties/events/workshops to go to!) but I feel as though I managed it fairly well. I think that the communication I did beforehand with each person helped to clear expectations and intentions as well.

It was really nice to be so openly with all three of my humans - the Bear, the Birdfriend, and the Yak. It's rare that all three of us occupy the same space together, and it felt really enriching and affirming to be myself with my loves in a public environment. Really freeing! I know that at times there was a bit of mild jealousy floating around regarding sex but I think for the most part it went really well for all three of us. I tried to spend dedicated time with each person, and we hung out as a group pretty much the entire weekend.

Birdfriend also had Meerkat to spend time with, so there's another link on the polycule chain. Plus my previous comet (let's call her Lizard) was also there and I had a really sweet moment with her.

Having my three loves around me also showed me how natural polyamory is for me. I feel the flow of love move through me and want to share it with my dearest ones. I don't move/act based on hierarchy or "shoulds" - I move/act based on authentic feelings of connection. But I recognize that others don't necessarily feel the same, and so I try to be as conscientious of the feelings of whichever person I am with (or all three of them if all are around). I hope that my partners feel that I succeed in this matter.

Random online platitude that rings true for me.

It's really gratifying to feel the bigger poly picture having space and support in my life outside of my relationships and blogging. Since writing this blog, I have been more open to share with people in the world (face to face) about my orientation and life. I feel as though because I am an approachable fox, that folks can ask me questions about my perspective on poly, relationships, and sex and not be judged for their curiosity (or ignorance). I am by no means an expert on this topic, but I do feel as though sharing my story with the world has helped others understand poly (and LGBTQ2 topics) and has hopefully helped folks feel connected when they read about how my experience is similar to theirs or has helped folks with clarifying their feelings around poly.

My foxy selfie at BitF 2017.

Thanks to all my readers out there. I appreciate your following and I appreciate your kind and honest queries about poly, how things "work," and sexuality in general. Keep being curious! Keep exploring yourselves and each other! Keep wondering, searching, and striving!

My next blog post will likely be about either Pride or some heavier topic (giving you a fair warning). My head is very full during these busy summer days, but I want to get my thoughts down in print to share with y'all. Have a blessed weekend.

Friday, 30 June 2017

Communication Breakdown

Lately in my blog posts, I haven't been writing much about either Birdfriend or Yak because I'd been focusing on my wedding and other things happening in my life but I feel as though the time has come for me to open up a bit more on those fronts. Lots of changes have been happening in my poly circle in the past year, and I've been adjusting as best I can - some days better than others to be sure.

Birdfriend has been dating someone for about 8 months now. Let's call her Meerkat. Meerkat is a lovely addition to our growing menagerie, and it's really wonderful to see Birdfriend so happy. Compersion! I'm still getting to know Meerkat as a person, and it's clear that she's committed to living the poly life, which makes me feel secure and grateful. It's also refreshing to meet another person who is well versed in poly and doesn't need much hand-holding in terms of what's going on.

Image borrowed from this website. I know they are logos, but it was hard to resist this image...

With new editions however, often come shifts and even rifts... I've always been Birdfriend's activity partner - we would go to cultural events like plays, go to Queer events together, go to kink parties together, go for walks etc. That has shifted quite a bit with the introduction of Meerkat into Birdfriend's life. Meerkat has an astonishing number of things in common with Birdfriend, and their outlook on future life seems very well aligned. I have been very happy and supportive of their deepening relationship. But I also have been struggling with feelings of displacement. There are things that I cannot do with Birdfriend that Meerkat can. And I've noticed that while Meerkat has more access to Birdfriend, my access has actually decreased in the past several months. Part of that was also due to wedding planning and obligations. But part of it was due to some miscommunication between Birdfriend and I, and time and funding constraints also played a role.

One person speaks and another person listens. But do they understand?

Communication is central to any relationship. Everyone who has ever read a book about relationships knows this. But what happens when communication breaks down? When people stop feeling heard and shut off? How does one move forward then? (To clarify - I'm talking about myself here).

Communication gradually began to break down between Birdfriend and I a few months back. I would share feelings of being left out of group plans/hikes/events and voice my frustration, and they would try to listen and offer solutions but I wasn't able to do more than share my feelings and didn't know how to "solve" the problem. I didn't necessarily feel understood, but I know that Birdfriend heard my words and yet nothing outwardly changed. And so, my frustration grew, and grew, until it exploded about two weeks ago. I erupted in anger and realized that I had been keeping my emotions in check (i.e. repressed) and was trying just a "good soldier" who should be grateful to get whatever breadcrumbs of time and affection I got. It was a bad scene in my head I tell you. I cried a lot. And I felt so disempowered. The only way I could show agency was to remove myself from any and all scenarios where I would have to be reminded of the fact that once again, I was not invited or could not physically (or monetarily) spend time with my poly circle folks. This seems completely counter-intuitive because I really want to spend time with my people. To anyone who is aware of what depression can do to relationships, this is a common occurrence. The depressed person pulls back even more when they need connection most. The brain is a complicated (and sometimes fucked up) thing.

What hurt even more is then that Birdfriend then verbally used my depression and behaviour as a point of argument in an email response venting their frustration back at me. It wasn't very fair and I'm still trying to "come back" from that one. While they have apologized for the intensity of their emails, these words stung and it will take me some time to rebound into feeling OK to share this side of myself with Birdfriend.

For anyone who hasn't had the "pleasure" of being acquainted with Depression, here's what the average cycle looks like for many people. It can be incredibly difficult to break this cycle as some factors remain firmly outside of a person's control.

Birdfriend, Meerkat, Yak, and Moose (Yak's bff) are all off hiking together this entire week. It's all the group has been able to talk about for months. It's hard because I also enjoy hiking and camping, but I have to avoid sleeping on the ground (Thermarest is simply not good enough) and I can't carry lots of weight on my back for long periods of time. I know that Yak and Birdfriend have looked at alternative ways to include me in hiking trips, but for the most part they are kind of stumped. And so the group continues to go on weekend trips and adventures without me.

Extroverted fox is sad to be left at home when forest friends are out frolicking....

I still don't know the best way to resolve this. I want to spend time with my menagerie but I am wondering if I should instead focus on meeting other folks like me with similar limitations and create more community there. It didn't help when Birdfriend told me that maybe I should do that. It's hurtful because there is a part of me that wonders if I need to actually let go of some of my closest people in my life simply because I do not fit in with their lifestyle anymore. Where is there space for a Fox that used to be in the centre of things but is now on the outside? How can I be included without being made to feel badly about my physical, financial, or mental limitations? How can I move forward with Birdfriend in a positive, affirming, and healing manner?

I have to wait until sometime late next week or even after to have a follow-up conversation with Birdfriend. I cannot do anything to repair and rebuild our connection until they return and until they have actual time to commit to this work. It's a challenge because Birdfriend works multiple jobs and also volunteers - hard to schedule! But I know that both of us are committed to working through this and finding a way forward. That's the greatest strength about polyamory - no matter what is happening, there is always space to come back to the table and renegotiate the relationship, including one's boundaries, needs and desires, and even space to transform the relationship into something else if need be. I am grateful that Birdfriend is willing to talk, even if it is challenging.

Time to connect.

Friday, 16 June 2017

Father's Day approacheth

This Sunday is Father's Day. A day where kids celebrate how awesome their masculine parent is. It's now unfortunately a day that sparks some sadness deep within me as my dad passed away just over two years ago.

My dad had mouth/throat cancer from smoking. It wasn't the first nor his second cancer that killed him, but the third one that did him in. My dad was also an alcoholic. The last few years of his life were not happy ones for him. Mostly because he was miserable and could not find the joy in anything, but also due to his substance abuse, isolation/loneliness, and illness.

This would apply for the years 1997-2015 for me, more than half my life.

To say that my dad was a very difficult person to be around would be an understatement. He would rant about politics, people ("the great unwashed" as he liked to call humanity), and about the evils of LGBTQ2 people. He came from rural Ireland, and never had any gay friends that I am aware of. He was arrogant, confrontational, rude, and elitist.

And yet, he was my dad...and I miss him.

I came out to my dad twice. Once at 16 when I felt I would die/implode from cognitive dissonance from not being out and again as an adult when I told him about a lesbian relationship that I had been in for more than a year at the time. When I was 16, it was my dad that told me that my bisexuality (or queerness) was just a phase. This "it's just a phase" thing haunted me and really got my internalized biphobia going.

UGH. Feeling "not queer enough" or as though being bi was a stepping stone to something else.

In 2011 when I informed my father that I had been dating a woman for more than a year and a half, he made a face and looked rather uncomfortable but seemed somewhat willing to accept it in the moment. Yes, I had concealed the relationship from my parents for that long - I felt that it was unsafe for me to be open about the relationship with my family. I felt that I would be criticized or worse, reviled and disowned. I am glad that I faced my fear and came out again, even though it was really difficult for me at the time.

My dad's daily speech was littered with hate-filled statements towards POC, LGBTQ2 people, and anyone who practiced Islam (sound familiar?) It was hard for me growing up hearing these negative values around other lifestyles and cultures on a regular basis. It meant that I had a lot of misinformation, and that I developed internalized biphobia during my formative years. It was especially difficult because my dad was my unofficial cheerleader when I was a child. He was the more affectionate parent, and he always let me know that I was brilliant, kind, sweet, and beautiful. So when he became an alcoholic, it was very painful for me to witness and I was greatly affected by his words and actions. The person that I counted on most became the person I then had to make very strong boundaries of time/space around because I felt so disrespected and messed up whenever I spent time with him. I hardly saw much of him in the final two years of his life because I refused to be around him when he drank, which was daily. I guess I was in denial that his cancer was terminal. When my dad passed away in April 2015, there were many unresolved issues between us. The queer thing was a big one. Another was his irrational dislike of Bear. Another was his alcoholism and how much it affected our relationship. It's really hard to find closure with these issues now that he's gone...

When I married Bear last month, I gained a new dad - a father-in-law. He's just lovely, and he's very sweet, kind, and well everything you would want in a father-in-law. But here's the thing... he doesn't know about my poly queerness. I wonder how he might feel if he knew the entire "me" and if he would still be supportive of my marriage to Bear. I wonder if he would be able to accept both my orientation and my desire/need for multiple relationships. I wonder if I should share more of myself with him, bring him into my inner circle, so to speak. For now, Bear and I have decided not to share this part of our life with his parents. Still, I do wonder how his dad might react and whether he could come to find compersion for us and how we have elected to live our lives.

My new father-in-law definitely deserves this card that I picked out for him:
The perfect Father's Day card for my new father-in-law
I look forward to getting to know him better, and hope that he can know me better too. I hope one day that being queer and poly will elicit the same response from older folks that telling them you filed your taxes on time does. Until then, I feel the need to be vigilant about whom I share my full story with to stay safe. 

Finally, I want to wish a Happy Father's Day out there to all you dads, want-to-be dads, soon-to-be dads, step-dads, uncles, and cousins who help raise kidlets to be awesome humans.