Digging Deeper - Marriage and Poly

It's been just over three weeks since I married Bear and things are going pretty well despite us both being injured and still looking for a den to cohabitate in. I've been processing some thoughts around marriage lately, especially when seen through a queer, poly lens.

This post does a pretty good job of describing what it's like to be a bi woman married to a straight man. I can relate to it in many ways except that I'm femme, which in some ways is more difficult as my "straight passing" privilege is high. That is, I'm seen as straight in 90%+ of my life unless I happen to be seen holding hands with either Bird or Yak in public. It's something that sometimes bothers me (cue: bi-invisibility and feeling non-existent and depressed), and other times allows me to hide in plain sight when I feel threatened. 100 mile queers (folks who look queer from a distance) don't have this luxury. I'm aware of how this privilege plays into my interactions with the world.

A selfie from today. You can see how I would pass as straight in most circumstances. Sometimes this causes me some mental/emotional distress, other times I use this privilege to fly under the wire if I don't want to be targeted for hate etc.

As it's wedding season, there are more and more articles being circulated online to readers. I'm a part of a number of Bisexual groups on Facebook. These groups are a fantastic source of community, support, outreach/info sharing, and also funny memes to help you laugh through your day. This week, an article entitled Why you shouldn't be Scared to Marry Someone Who's Bisexual came across the Facebook group Bisexual.org. I read the article (published by Brides.com) and it was ok, as far as articles on mostly straight/monogamous websites go. It addresses the key fear that monosexual people face when they are in relationship with a bisexual/queer person and then goes on to mention a number of "upsides" to marrying a bisexual person (groan).

Once again, the # 1 fear of monosexuals is that their bisexual partner will be unable to be monogamous in the relationship. Straight spouses are terrified that their bi/queer partners will either leave them for a person of the same sex or that they will have sex with everyone they meet.

What's going on here? Let's unpack this fear and try to understand it a bit better.

I believe that the source of this fear is threefold. 1) It comes from a place of entitled ownership that has been perpetuated through monogamous heteronormative capitalist narratives in media and cultural stories. You are my spouse. You belong to me. 2) Sex and relationships between two individuals is the accepted standard in our culture today. Having multiple partners seems to upset this accepted social norm and people (especially women) are labelled as sluts or worse. 3) Insecurity - it's clear that someone who is grasping and fearful is insecure about their own state of being/ability to stay healthy in a relationship. These folks project their insecurity onto others and it makes for some heinous emotional shitstorms in relationships.

Are Bisexuals Really Less Monogamous than monosexuals? Well, according to one study (link here, definitely worth a read!), not really:

78 percent of he bisexual men, and 67 percent of the bisexual women in this sample were either seriously dating one person, engaged, or married; the respective percentages for the full sample were 87 and 76.

Granted, bisexuals are more likely to be in committed non-monogamous relationships but that doesn't mean they are incapable of living and loving monogamously. I was monogamous with various previous partners for many years (both men and women).

So how do we get past this fear without the negative stereotypes and statements like "not all bisexuals are..." and without writing out a laundry list about why you should consider a bisexual (and queer, poly) person human, and therefore decent and marriageable?

The only way that I have managed thus far is by living (and writing) my truth. I am confronted in my daily life by folks who openly share their lives and relationships experiences with me/the world. I research and think critically about my worldview and consider how certain thoughts or beliefs limit me. I converse with folks I know and don't know to challenge my assumptions and to understand more of humanity. I then change my behaviours to align with these new ways of understanding. And then, if the mood strikes me, I write.

Here's my response to the Brides article:

Why you Shouldn't be Scared to Marry a Bisexual/Queer Poly Person

Because they are human like you.
Because you love each other and have shared future plans.
Because the connection is what matters, not fear based on insecurity.
Because poly people are often more committed, not less (as poly people may commit to more than just one person). See the Kimchi Cuddles cartoon below.
Because poly people understand and value the importance of communication, negotiation, and agreements.
Because poly people understand that human nature isn't necessarily monogamous. (i.e. that monogamous folks have high incidences of cheating).
Because poly isn't just about sex, it's about connections.
Because having ethical, open romantic relationships with other people can strengthen the bond you have with your primary partner.
Because having ethical, consensual sex with multiple people can actually enhance your relationship to your primary partner (i.e. less pressure to be someone's "everything").
Because marriage is defined by the people within the partnership - and it matters not if the partnership is between two or ten people.
Because monogamy and monosexuality don't guarantee security in relationships.

Kimchi 361 - a poly look at commitment

Times, they are a-changin'

It's been some time since I wrote a blog post, and I'd like to plead temporary insanity as I was planning, prepping, and executing a very important event - my wedding. I wasn't able to really focus on anything except work and wedding for the past few months (as my friends can attest) and I'm grateful that the day went off well and that I can get back to some semblance of "normal."

Our wedding cake! Done by Bear's niece Laura.

The day was really special for us. I curated the whole thing and our theme was Beltane-ish with handfasting and jumping of the broom. I wore a dress that I designed and a shawl that I created with the help of Bird and my birth mom. My friends were a big part of the day - helping set up, directing games at the reception, DJing, making appetizers, making Bear & I pretty; I am so grateful for how my community pulled together to help make this wedding happen.

Bear and I wrote our vows literally the night before the wedding. We both had solid ideas about what we wanted to say, but we had to sit down and make sure that our vows "jived" with one another's. During this discussion, we decided to include the wording of primary partner in both of our vows to highlight and recognize our poly lifestyle; and as a way to acknowledge the other members in our menagerie (my term for our poly circle).

Sharing a laugh with our marriage commissioner

Our marriage commissioner was really great. When we were seeking someone to marry us, I knew that I wanted to be married by a woman and someone who wasn't squeamish about having a gender-neutral ceremony ("I now pronounce you man and wife" = UGH). I specifically wanted to leave out any reference to the until death do you part bit as I find that it's a rather unhealthy phrase to leave in vows - as though you have to stay with that person "forever" because you just should. The Bear and I wanted to be sure that the words we spoke would hold truth for many years to come, but wouldn't place an unrealistic expectation on either of us.

It was nice to have photos taken with both my queer chosen family and also all my close friends. I don't have many photos where everyone is in one shot, so that's really nice to have. Can't wait to have them retouched to finally print them out and surround myself with lovely memories.

The poly tree - a good symbol for Bear and I as we both have tree totems (willow & oak). And the love keeps growing as our poly branches reach out and make homes for new friends, lovers, etc.

My maid of honour (my only bridesmaid) gave an amazing speech on my behalf (as my dad passed away two years ago) and I still remember her words about how proud she is of me for sharing who I am with the world despite potential threats to my person etc. I know that she meant my queer poly self, but I am sure that not everyone in the room understood or got the reference. I guess it does take a certain amount of chutzpah to share oneself so openly with the world at large, but I feel as though without that risk, I wouldn't be me. And with great risk, comes great rewards. Although, let it be said that poly isn't for the faint of heart!

It's been interesting telling folks who didn't know that I was getting hitched that I am now married. Many give me double-takes. Some ask me who I married because they aren't sure the gender of the person I am currently with (never mind the genders of all my partners)... Some folks are surprised that I got married at all given my "lifestyle." Groan.

Or being a queer poly woman married to a cis man, in my case.

I wonder about how I will be perceived by the queer community now that I am married to a cis dude. I wonder if I will be written off as just another "bi woman married to a man." I wonder if people that I'm interested in (friends, lovers, and more) will be less likely to initiate or maintain relationships with me because they have a hard time seeing and reconciling all facets of me. I wonder how this change in relationship status will affect my connections with Bird and Yak. I wonder if folks who don't know about my poly relationships will get confused or angry if they see me with someone other than Bear. I wonder how I will be perceived at Pride if Bear is with me - as just another "bi/queer woman showing off for her man?" These are thoughts that worry me.

But for now, I recall that gorgeous sunny day when I said some important words to a very special Bear and my heart is happy.

These uncertain times

I've been putting off writing any blogs that are political in nature since I started this blog because I wanted to focus on my own experiences and not get sucked into writing reactionary pieces to what is going on in the world (well, North America to be specific). I shared thoughts and things that happened to me, and always from my particular poly perspective.

The US election came and went and I wrote nothing about it. The insidious rolling back of personal liberties and freedoms in the guise of religious freedoms started happening in the US and I wrote nothing about it. Blatant racism happened in my city and country, but I did not write about it. So many bloggers, vloggers, journalists, pundits, and anyone with internet access has weighed in with their opinion on the devolution of the American Way of Life and I have not.

But I don't think I can avoid writing non-politically in my blog anymore. Being Canadian, I'm afforded a comfortable distance from the madness of US politics right now. I get to make fun of how things are going down south, and get to share memes like this one:

This would be funny if we didn't also know that the fire will spread this way...

But the fire IS spreading north, and it has already reared its ugly head with the horrifying mosque shootings in Quebec earlier this year. And I'm worried that it's only going to get worse. For Canadians follow their neighbours to the south when it comes to the economy, film/tv, fashion, etc. We simply cannot afford to be complacent.

The demonization and disenfranchisement of any person who isn't white, Christian, straight, monogamous, and (usually) cis-male by Drumph (I refuse to use his real name) and his appointees is all but written into public policy now. Real world consequences are happening: from folks being refused entry into the States; to folks being denied access to healthcare originally promised by the former government; to the fact that Drumph sent a member of a hate-group to a UN meeting on preventing violence against women. You can't make this shit up!

To top it all off, Drumph wants to change the nature of last bastion of personal expressive freedom - he wants to censor the internet.

And it's already begun...

Yesterday, I saw lots of stories circulating from YouTube vloggers that I follow that their content was no longer able to be seen on YouTube. This is because YouTube now has a function that you have to decide if you want to use or not - a "restricted mode." The point of this mode is to protect children from seeing inappropriate content, something that I understand. However, what is troubling is that,

YouTube has put itself in charge of deciding what videos are objectionable or inappropriate. Now, it isn’t exactly clear how videos are flagged as mature or inappropriate; it could very well be based on flags reported by users or it could be a group of people within YouTube making such decisions.

(from this link)

I read in an online community that the flagging was happening automatically. So somewhere down the line, someone decided that LGBTQ2 topics should be "restricted" and hidden from the main search function in YouTube, a platform that millions of people connect to daily around the world. Which leads me to wonder, WHY is it that LGBTQ2 themes are considered not appropriate for children? Kids come in all shades of the rainbow too, and need to have places to gain awareness, information, support, and community and YouTube has been providing that for years. Sure, some content should be restricted, but this is YouTube, not XTube FFS!

This video brought this issue to the forefront:

Even my favourite bi vlogger wasn't immune:

YouTube - now with more bi-erasure. Article link here.

Oiy, this is a painful issue for sure. LGBTQ2 people have been working so hard for so long to gain a place in society, only now to have their existence called into question time and time again as "appropriate." It's 2017, and it's time to get real about why these things are happening. We need to put pressure on companies, corporations, and government to let them know that we are here, queer, and NOT going away. That we will stand up and have our voices heard, and that we will share information as freely as possible on the internet because it belongs to everyone, and everyone deserves respect and representation.

Marriage - thoughts from a poly perspective

For my family and friends reading this blog, you will know that right now I'm in the throes of intensive wedding plans as the "big day" is just over nine weeks away now (cue internal screaming). I'm trying to not let the planning take over my life, but as the days count down, it's getting harder and harder not to be completely immersed in wedding-related items. Lately, it's started to feel a bit like this:

Bear and I had a funny moment last weekend. He came over early for snuggles and looked at me and said "we are getting married in 10 weeks." My response? "Ugh, I know." And then we both burst out laughing...

It's funny, but after my "divorce" (9 years ago now!) I never thought that I would consider getting married again. I was living common law with my ex, and we had talked extensively about getting married and making babies. But when that relationship fell apart, I realized that not only had I duped myself into thinking that that person was supposed to be a life partner, but how my perception on the concept of marriage wasn't all that positive or healthy. I saw my parents and so many other friend's parents go through tough times and divorce. I thought that being married meant I had to sacrifice myself to something "greater." How could I give up so much of myself to be someone's everything forever? (my, how my thinking has changed since then!)

So what happened? Well, time passed and I did some deep soul searching on the subject. I spoke with my moms (adoptive and birth) about what marriage meant to them. I read books like Marriage A History and Committed. I stopped being naive about Disney-style relationships and marriages. I had discussions with my counsellor about marriage. I thought about marriages I knew that were successful, and ones that weren't. I studied the research around marriage and happiness and health. I went deep inside myself and thought about what is it that I want. Marriage wasn't necessarily the be-all and end-all that I had originally thought that it was. I didn't need to marry in order to feel as though my role in society could be fulfilled. I didn't need to get married to find happiness or purpose.

However, I was open to considering marriage, should it come up with the right person, at the right time. Further, with my new-ish polyamorous paradigm, I began to view marriage as not a requirement for a "successful" long term relationship but as something that was an option if parties were interested and willing.

A "successful" relationship isn't necessarily one that has longevity. I also think that the "until death do you part" language pressures people into a vow that is not realistic nor necessarily healthy.

When Bear and I first got together about 5 years ago, he was very serious with his relationship intentions. "If we do this [relationship], I'm all in." And he meant it. It was clear to me that this man wanted something specific from me, and was focussed on getting it. While this direct approach was a bit overwhelming at first, this trait is one that I'm grateful for in Bear. I always know exactly what he's thinking because he tells me straight out. And I've tried to be as direct and forthcoming about my thoughts and feelings with him. Over the past few years, we have spoken and shared our feelings on marriage vs. living common law. We have spoken about having children vs. not having children. We've communicated about our relationship fears and how we can move past old patterns of thinking and behaving.

A few months ago in my It's Complicated but not Really post, I talk about what a primary partner means to me. It's namely around legal stuff - combining finances, emergency contact etc - but it's also around family stuff - namely marriage and children. While I'm open to exploring the concept of family outside of heteronormative monogamy, with Bear this notion of family is probably a bit normative in nature. When Bear proposed in August 2015 and I said yes, followed by, "You know that I can't do monogamy, right?" to which he said, "Monogamy wouldn't work for us." Indeed, monogamy won't work for us. As a framework, it does not allow for my sexual identity to be actualized nor does it meet my need and drive to share my love and body with others. It also constrains Bear too. Monogamy would mean a closed relationship for him as well, and I want to ensure that he has opportunities to play and connect with people outside of our relationship. Plus (and it's taken me a while to figure this out), Bear loves me, all of me - my bi/queer/kinky/poly self. I think this Kimchi Cuddles cartoon expresses this well:

Bear has even said similar things to me. I'm so appreciative of how he sees and respects/accepts me.

I'm super grateful to have a primary partner who loves me for who I am and is willing to build something together with me (even if that something is a nebulous concept at times).

This whole marriage thing has also effected my other relationships. I know that for a time, Birdfriend was unsure about where they stood with me in relation to Bear. As time progressed however, our relationship deepened into a chosen-family, bff, with D/s overtone; and when I started calling them my non-primary partner (with Bear's awareness and understanding), I think that made things more solid for Birdfriend. I think that having their position affirmed helped reduce their stress level and make them feel more included in my life. Bear and Birdfriend have a good friendship, which is made stronger by their shared love of me. They both want nothing but the best for me. And they both understand how the other person is important to me. Birdfriend is happy for me with this wedding - their excitement and support has been very bolstering when I feel overwhelmed by everything.

Regarding the Yak, I know that all this wedding prep and planning has been interesting exposure for her as the Bear and I do things differently. She's experiencing something new with me, and I am too with her...  I try my best to assure her that she is important to me, and while our relationship may or may not really change after I get married, I try to focus on the moment with Yak, within the boundaries of our relationship, and try be as authentic as possible. I make space in my mind, in my heart, and in my day for Yak. I am curious about continuing this connection but without putting a hard label on it or any futuristic directional plans. I know that at the heart of our connection, a strong, respectful friendship exists that will carry us as our path unfolds.

It's interesting for me to feel so much love for Yak while I'm planning a wedding with Bear. But these thoughts and feelings of love don't "compete" in my mind, if anything they create more love. I feel this cascading exponential effect of love in my body - it's hard to describe. But it feels wonderful and buoyant. It brings me great joy that is hard to contain sometimes (and I do have a hard time containing it). And I share this love outwards with each of my three sweeties and onwards towards my friends and family.

On my wedding day, it's going to be interesting having all three there with me - Bear as my husbear-to-be, and Birdfriend and Yak there cheering us on and supporting me. I'm planning on having a photo of the four of us together. A loving portrait that I will cherish for many moons to come, I'm sure. I'll need to be mindful of the older folks coming to the event who aren't fully aware of our poly connections. But it's very important to me that although the day is officially Bear's and mine, I want both Birdfriend and Yak to be included and feel important. Because they are. Just as important, I want Bear and I to revel in "our day," because it only comes around once.

I'm curious about how poly is going to play out over the long term in my marriage to Bear. It's rather timely that this article came across my Facebook feed this week, and it was good to get some perspective. I know that there will be ebb and flow in our poly connections over time, and there may even come a time when we need to close our relationship for a time for various reasons. For now, we stay in the moment and feel the excitement for our upcoming ceremony, and gratitude for the many loving connections that surround and sustain us.

Been Traveling with a Birdfriend

So last Friday, I wrote up the majority of a blog post, and then the internet ate it. No, really. I was so annoyed, I couldn't bring myself to try and re-write the post and decided to leave it for another week.

I've been away - to the north island of New Zealand, to be exact - and since I've been back, I've been waiting to extend the feeling of vacation time into my normal day-to-day. Hence, why I haven't been active on this blog for about a month...

For anyone who knows me, they know that I love to travel. Especially by myself. But this time, I went travelling with my Birdfriend, and we had a great adventure together.

It was interesting travelling with Birdfriend, especially since I know that most people weren't sure how to "read" us. We decided early on in our trip to tell people that we are "friends" travelling together. This was partly due to safety (sometimes you just don't know how safe a place is for queer folk) and partly due to the hassle of having to explain the nature of our relationship to others. A few times we were read as a couple. Other times, I think people weren't really sure how to read us. And still, other times we blew peoples' minds around relationships when we opened up about our poly connection. In general, we toned down our relationship as a way to ensure that we would be safe in public and the hostels.

A Birdfriend's eye-view of a trail outside of Taupo, NZ.

It was also the first time that I've been openly queer in my travels. Other times I would not self-disclose and let other travellers think whatever it was they wanted to believe about me. This time, I just didn't care as much. We weren't overly obvious in our affections in public, but to anyone who paid attention, it was clear that we were more than "just friends."

This trip was really good for the relationship I have with Birdfriend. We found time to talk out some really difficult and painful conversations that we have had a hard time discussing back at home. We also found ways to move through some really weird moments and I think that we both feel more solid and grounded in our connection as a result. The trip confirmed our ability to work collaboratively as a team and it confirmed our heart and D/s connection. For my part, and I think the Birdfriend feels similarly, I feel that this trip deepened my connection to Birdfriend.

It was interesting for me to be seen as openly queer in public as well. I get read as straight on the regular, so it was interesting how I was being perceived in relationship to Birdfriend... I'm sure some people weren't sure if I was queer or not, when Birdfriend is so obviously queer...

Under the rainbow...

I was grateful that New Zealand has progressive LGBTQ policies and is a safe place to travel as a queer person. Especially since in many countries it is illegal for women to be queer. It was also fun to notice other queer couples around, including the American girls we met in Taupo who were awesome to hang out with. And the Auckland Pride festival was gearing up while we were there, so it felt like a positive time to be queer and travelling in New Zealand.

I have lots more blog content to write, so I'm going to sign off for now. Safe journeys everyone!

This Body of Mine

I have wanted to write this post for some time - several months in fact. I have slowly collected my thoughts, some photo/video/cartoon supportive content, and have drafted the prose in my head over and over. And still, I find trepidation in typing out these words.

This Body of Mine

From July 2015 on Wreck beach. Photo credit: my Bear!

Like many women (and men) who don't fit the physical standard of beauty, I have struggled with my body. Like many folks who live with chronic pain and illness, I have struggled with my body. Like many people with mental illness, I have struggled with my body. Like many survivors of sexual abuse, I have struggled with my body. Like many people who have been exposed to intense grief, I have struggled with my body. And I'm tired of all that struggle.

From Chronic Illness Cat

This past year I've had some fairly frustrating health problems that have exacerbated some chronic pain and other conditions. I had a broken foot for 19+ weeks, and out of nowhere I developed a bunch of allergies. These two things have meant that my health and fitness for the past year hasn't been great. I've gained weight, I'm often rashy from my allergies, and my digestion is off. I've starting taking steps to address these issues, but some of them are outside of my control (hello scent allergies!) To boot, I've lost one parent to cancer and watched the other one go through chemotherapy this past year. So add stress to that equation and you get a more fulsome picture of what I've been dealing with.

To find a way forward through all these health issues, I've been focusing my energy on trying to be more body positive. I know there are lots of positive affirmations, websites, and support groups for folks but I think that body positivity is personal and means something different to different people. Here's some examples that I've come across lately that have helped me gain some perspective: 

1. Meet the underweight model that the fashion industry considers "too big" and her campaign to raise awareness about eating disorders etc.

2. Check out this awesome dance troupe of larger ladies slaying body stereotypes with their moves.

3. 9 people pose nude to show body diversity in Toronto

4. This video about learning to love one's cellulite:

I started to think about ways that I could be more supportive of myself and my body as I went through these health challenges. I started with my thoughts - how can I better think about my curvaceous bod? This cartoon came across my Facebook feed yesterday and it made me feel better. I've got no sharp edges on me either. I'm soft and cute, a bit short in height, but hey, it's me. Not anyone else!

From Moomin

Ani DiFranco famously wrote that her "body is borrowed/I got it on loan from the time in between/my mom and some maggots..." and that she has "highways for stretch marks/see how I've grown..." (from My I.Q.) These lyrics remind me of the ephemeral nature of our own bodies, and mine in particular. And it reminds me of the connection of our bodies with our mother's bodies.

Since I've been conscious of my weight from a young age (I can still hear my adoptive mom's voice telling me to "watch that spare tire" of mine), being able to love my curves has been difficult for me. My adoptive mom and sister are both the typical Irish body types: thin, pretty, with wide breeder hips and big boobs, but almost no body fat to speak of. Think Molly Malone from Dublin. When I met my biological mom and half-sister, I felt so validated. Finally, people with my body type! We talk about how our curves sometimes get in the way (I accidently butt-checked someone today!) and how clothing is hard to find for us tiny shouldered/short-waisted/big round butt types. They make me feel more at home in my body and that having a body like mine can be "normal."

Beyond changing how I think about my body and feeling validated by my biological family, I had decided that now was the time to challenge myself further on body acceptance. A few months ago a friend of a friend of mine was looking for volunteers for her body acceptance video project. I thought, this is it. The project had two parts. The first part involved stripping down to my bra and panties, being spun slowing on a turning plinth while my entire body was filmed as it turned. The second part involved a full length mirror being placed in front of me, the camera focused on my face, and me alone with my process. Melissa, Dave, and Jeremy (the project team) then left me to gaze at my whole body in the mirror and waited for me to have my "aha" moment - the moment where I finally accepted how my body looked. It was HARD. I think that was the first time I had ever just looked at myself without picking my body a part - too fat, cellulite here and there, spots, lack of symmetry, stretch marks galore... NO, I wasn't thinking any of those things. 

My thinking as I viewed my body went through stages - all of which were captured on film. The first stage was filled with mental bullshit like, "I'm an empowered woman, standing in my undies for strangers, thus I accept my body!" and then, "but that's not what self-acceptance means...it's not about being brave in front of others, it's about loving yourself." And then, after about 5 minutes a shift happened. I can remember the exact moment (and it's obvious to me from seeing the video as it plays in slow-motion) and the exact thought that everything starting to change. The thought was, "What is it going to take for you to truly love and accept your body?" It was a powerful moment for me and I started to cry. I stood there looking at my body and for the first time and really seeing all of me. 

I felt vulnerable, open, scared, but most of all what shines through my eyes is love. Birdfriend actually helped me identify the feeling after watching the slow-motion video of myself. They looked at me and said, "that's the look you have when you look at one of your partners with total love." And I was looking at myself this way. Totally revolutionary for me. 

I'm still soaking up the lessons from this challenge. While Melissa is still working on the final video (which I can't wait to see), she posted this teaser video. I'm at the end, and just seeing the look on my face brings it all back. Thank you Mel for doing this amazing project. And a big thank you to Myself, for going through and challenging myself to break that old, negative, core belief around my body being unacceptable. I love myself and I especially love my body.

Mel & I after my video concluded. I love the look of joy on our faces! Photo credit: Dave Dee Photography

Janus - looking forward/looking back

The Greek God Janus, where the mature face represents the past and the youthful face represents the future. This god gives January it's name.

The new year is always a time of reflection for most people. We look back at the past twelve months and we think on all that happened. We look ahead at the next twelve months and promise to do better. For the first time ever, I posted a video to Facebook with a call to action for everyone to do their best in 2017 as humanity as a whole deserves better.

For myself, it is even more of a poignant time for me as my birthday is next week, and I'm deep in the throes of Seasonal Affective Disorder symptoms.

Oiy, do I ever right now!

I was really sick over the holidays, which meant that I didn't get the ring in the New Year with my chosen family of polyamorous perverts. Instead, I was medicated and wrapped up in bed with Bear keeping me warm. My plan is to treat my birthday as my "true new year" since I missed out.

My birthday is a time of self reflection...I usually spend the day alone doing self-care like going for a float in a sensory deprivation tank, or going to Nia, or yoga, or eating some tasty healthy food in a local restaurant. It's also a time for goal/intention setting as well. It can be a tough time for me though due to my S.A.D. making things difficult, and also because I am really hard on myself and am always constantly striving to do more, better, all the time. I get frustrated with my physical and monetary restrictions. So this year, I'm going to focus on what I can do instead of focussing on some ideal that isn't attainable for me. I'll share these goals later after my birthday.

Things are shifting in my poly world. Both my lover and my Birdfriend have started dating other people in the past month. This means that my feelings are getting tripped up more frequently and I find myself clarifying things with both of them so that I don't make assumptions and do something stupid due to my insecurities.

My work friend T asked me if I was jealous of Yak dating other people. I said no. And I mean no. But that doesn't mean that insecurity hasn't crept into my head from time to time as the Yak and I are still learning how best to communicate through this changing time. I try and share my thoughts with her as best I can and try to ensure that I understand her perspective as well. I'm trying to keep things in the present moment and not get ahead of myself.

Best thing to do when you feel insecure or jealous - identify the underlying emotion and then communicate!

I'm glad that Birdfriend is dating again. However, I've been experiencing some awkward feelings as Birdfriend and I seem to keep finding the same people attractive. I don't feel like I'm "in competition" with Birdfriend for these other potential lovers etc., but it can create some tension in our relationship, which I know we both want to avoid. Sometimes it is unavoidable though, and we need to come together and find a solution to move forward. Again, it all comes down to communication!

With both my non-primaries busy, it means that I have more time for myself and it unfortunately also signifies more scheduling woes as I now need to work around my Birdfriend's or Yak's other dates. Time is the most precious thing we have, so I elect to try and spend the majority of it with my loves. This can be tough if everyone is working or dating others or just plain busy... There is a positive flip side to all this though - I have about four months until my wedding day and there is so much to plan and DO! (I have lots to write about on this later).

Anyway, here's to getting through 2017 with grace, ease, style, and solid communication. Love to you all!