For the past four years, I have replenished my soul in summer by heading either north or Southeast to go to the local Burning Man event (Burn in the Forest, or BitF hereafter). There's something really satisfying about camping outside with friends and locals while sharing our stories, art, and sometimes our bodies. This year, my entire polycule (which I call the Menagerie due to all the animals therein) went to BitF together. We camped mostly together, went to events together, cuddled together, laughed together, and had a great time.
A polycule is:A romantic network, or a particular subset of relationships within a romantic network, whose members are closely connected. Also used to describe a sketch or visualization of a romantic network, as these drawings often resemble the depiction of molecules used in organic chemistry. Elements of friendship also have space in a polycule.
This was the first time that I've had all three of my current poly people together in one place for more than a few hours. It was a bit challenging at times regarding time management (three lovely folks to spend time with, plus all those parties/events/workshops to go to!) but I feel as though I managed it fairly well. I think that the communication I did beforehand with each person helped to clear expectations and intentions as well.
It was really nice to be so openly with all three of my humans - the Bear, the Birdfriend, and the Yak. It's rare that all three of us occupy the same space together, and it felt really enriching and affirming to be myself with my loves in a public environment. Really freeing! I know that at times there was a bit of mild jealousy floating around regarding sex but I think for the most part it went really well for all three of us. I tried to spend dedicated time with each person, and we hung out as a group pretty much the entire weekend.
Birdfriend also had Meerkat to spend time with, so there's another link on the polycule chain. Plus my previous comet (let's call her Lizard) was also there and I had a really sweet moment with her.
Having my three loves around me also showed me how natural polyamory is for me. I feel the flow of love move through me and want to share it with my dearest ones. I don't move/act based on hierarchy or "shoulds" - I move/act based on authentic feelings of connection. But I recognize that others don't necessarily feel the same, and so I try to be as conscientious of the feelings of whichever person I am with (or all three of them if all are around). I hope that my partners feel that I succeed in this matter.
Random online platitude that rings true for me.
It's really gratifying to feel the bigger poly picture having space and support in my life outside of my relationships and blogging. Since writing this blog, I have been more open to share with people in the world (face to face) about my orientation and life. I feel as though because I am an approachable fox, that folks can ask me questions about my perspective on poly, relationships, and sex and not be judged for their curiosity (or ignorance). I am by no means an expert on this topic, but I do feel as though sharing my story with the world has helped others understand poly (and LGBTQ2 topics) and has hopefully helped folks feel connected when they read about how my experience is similar to theirs or has helped folks with clarifying their feelings around poly.
My foxy selfie at BitF 2017.
Thanks to all my readers out there. I appreciate your following and I appreciate your kind and honest queries about poly, how things "work," and sexuality in general. Keep being curious! Keep exploring yourselves and each other! Keep wondering, searching, and striving!
My next blog post will likely be about either Pride or some heavier topic (giving you a fair warning). My head is very full during these busy summer days, but I want to get my thoughts down in print to share with y'all. Have a blessed weekend.
Lately in my blog posts, I haven't been writing much about either Birdfriend or Yak because I'd been focusing on my wedding and other things happening in my life but I feel as though the time has come for me to open up a bit more on those fronts. Lots of changes have been happening in my poly circle in the past year, and I've been adjusting as best I can - some days better than others to be sure.
Birdfriend has been dating someone for about 8 months now. Let's call her Meerkat. Meerkat is a lovely addition to our growing menagerie, and it's really wonderful to see Birdfriend so happy. Compersion! I'm still getting to know Meerkat as a person, and it's clear that she's committed to living the poly life, which makes me feel secure and grateful. It's also refreshing to meet another person who is well versed in poly and doesn't need much hand-holding in terms of what's going on.
Image borrowed from this website. I know they are logos, but it was hard to resist this image...
With new editions however, often come shifts and even rifts... I've always been Birdfriend's activity partner - we would go to cultural events like plays, go to Queer events together, go to kink parties together, go for walks etc. That has shifted quite a bit with the introduction of Meerkat into Birdfriend's life. Meerkat has an astonishing number of things in common with Birdfriend, and their outlook on future life seems very well aligned. I have been very happy and supportive of their deepening relationship. But I also have been struggling with feelings of displacement. There are things that I cannot do with Birdfriend that Meerkat can. And I've noticed that while Meerkat has more access to Birdfriend, my access has actually decreased in the past several months. Part of that was also due to wedding planning and obligations. But part of it was due to some miscommunication between Birdfriend and I, and time and funding constraints also played a role.
One person speaks and another person listens. But do they understand?
Communication is central to any relationship. Everyone who has ever read a book about relationships knows this. But what happens when communication breaks down? When people stop feeling heard and shut off? How does one move forward then? (To clarify - I'm talking about myself here).
Communication gradually began to break down between Birdfriend and I a few months back. I would share feelings of being left out of group plans/hikes/events and voice my frustration, and they would try to listen and offer solutions but I wasn't able to do more than share my feelings and didn't know how to "solve" the problem. I didn't necessarily feel understood, but I know that Birdfriend heard my words and yet nothing outwardly changed. And so, my frustration grew, and grew, until it exploded about two weeks ago. I erupted in anger and realized that I had been keeping my emotions in check (i.e. repressed) and was trying just a "good soldier" who should be grateful to get whatever breadcrumbs of time and affection I got. It was a bad scene in my head I tell you. I cried a lot. And I felt so disempowered. The only way I could show agency was to remove myself from any and all scenarios where I would have to be reminded of the fact that once again, I was not invited or could not physically (or monetarily) spend time with my poly circle folks. This seems completely counter-intuitive because I really want to spend time with my people. To anyone who is aware of what depression can do to relationships, this is a common occurrence. The depressed person pulls back even more when they need connection most. The brain is a complicated (and sometimes fucked up) thing.
What hurt even more is then that Birdfriend then verbally used my depression and behaviour as a point of argument in an email response venting their frustration back at me. It wasn't very fair and I'm still trying to "come back" from that one. While they have apologized for the intensity of their emails, these words stung and it will take me some time to rebound into feeling OK to share this side of myself with Birdfriend.
For anyone who hasn't had the "pleasure" of being acquainted with Depression, here's what the average cycle looks like for many people. It can be incredibly difficult to break this cycle as some factors remain firmly outside of a person's control.
Birdfriend, Meerkat, Yak, and Moose (Yak's bff) are all off hiking together this entire week. It's all the group has been able to talk about for months. It's hard because I also enjoy hiking and camping, but I have to avoid sleeping on the ground (Thermarest is simply not good enough) and I can't carry lots of weight on my back for long periods of time. I know that Yak and Birdfriend have looked at alternative ways to include me in hiking trips, but for the most part they are kind of stumped. And so the group continues to go on weekend trips and adventures without me.
Extroverted fox is sad to be left at home when forest friends are out frolicking....
I still don't know the best way to resolve this. I want to spend time with my menagerie but I am wondering if I should instead focus on meeting other folks like me with similar limitations and create more community there. It didn't help when Birdfriend told me that maybe I should do that. It's hurtful because there is a part of me that wonders if I need to actually let go of some of my closest people in my life simply because I do not fit in with their lifestyle anymore. Where is there space for a Fox that used to be in the centre of things but is now on the outside? How can I be included without being made to feel badly about my physical, financial, or mental limitations? How can I move forward with Birdfriend in a positive, affirming, and healing manner?
I have to wait until sometime late next week or even after to have a follow-up conversation with Birdfriend. I cannot do anything to repair and rebuild our connection until they return and until they have actual time to commit to this work. It's a challenge because Birdfriend works multiple jobs and also volunteers - hard to schedule! But I know that both of us are committed to working through this and finding a way forward. That's the greatest strength about polyamory - no matter what is happening, there is always space to come back to the table and renegotiate the relationship, including one's boundaries, needs and desires, and even space to transform the relationship into something else if need be. I am grateful that Birdfriend is willing to talk, even if it is challenging.
This Sunday is Father's Day. A day where kids celebrate how awesome their masculine parent is. It's now unfortunately a day that sparks some sadness deep within me as my dad passed away just over two years ago.
My dad had mouth/throat cancer from smoking. It wasn't the first nor his second cancer that killed him, but the third one that did him in. My dad was also an alcoholic. The last few years of his life were not happy ones for him. Mostly because he was miserable and could not find the joy in anything, but also due to his substance abuse, isolation/loneliness, and illness.
This would apply for the years 1997-2015 for me, more than half my life.
To say that my dad was a very difficult person to be around would be an understatement. He would rant about politics, people ("the great unwashed" as he liked to call humanity), and about the evils of LGBTQ2 people. He came from rural Ireland, and never had any gay friends that I am aware of. He was arrogant, confrontational, rude, and elitist.
And yet, he was my dad...and I miss him.
I came out to my dad twice. Once at 16 when I felt I would die/implode from cognitive dissonance from not being out and again as an adult when I told him about a lesbian relationship that I had been in for more than a year at the time. When I was 16, it was my dad that told me that my bisexuality (or queerness) was just a phase. This "it's just a phase" thing haunted me and really got my internalized biphobia going.
UGH. Feeling "not queer enough" or as though being bi was a stepping stone to something else.
In 2011 when I informed my father that I had been dating a woman for more than a year and a half, he made a face and looked rather uncomfortable but seemed somewhat willing to accept it in the moment. Yes, I had concealed the relationship from my parents for that long - I felt that it was unsafe for me to be open about the relationship with my family. I felt that I would be criticized or worse, reviled and disowned. I am glad that I faced my fear and came out again, even though it was really difficult for me at the time.
My dad's daily speech was littered with hate-filled statements towards POC, LGBTQ2 people, and anyone who practiced Islam (sound familiar?) It was hard for me growing up hearing these negative values around other lifestyles and cultures on a regular basis. It meant that I had a lot of misinformation, and that I developed internalized biphobia during my formative years. It was especially difficult because my dad was my unofficial cheerleader when I was a child. He was the more affectionate parent, and he always let me know that I was brilliant, kind, sweet, and beautiful. So when he became an alcoholic, it was very painful for me to witness and I was greatly affected by his words and actions. The person that I counted on most became the person I then had to make very strong boundaries of time/space around because I felt so disrespected and messed up whenever I spent time with him. I hardly saw much of him in the final two years of his life because I refused to be around him when he drank, which was daily. I guess I was in denial that his cancer was terminal. When my dad passed away in April 2015, there were many unresolved issues between us. The queer thing was a big one. Another was his irrational dislike of Bear. Another was his alcoholism and how much it affected our relationship. It's really hard to find closure with these issues now that he's gone...
When I married Bear last month, I gained a new dad - a father-in-law. He's just lovely, and he's very sweet, kind, and well everything you would want in a father-in-law. But here's the thing... he doesn't know about my poly queerness. I wonder how he might feel if he knew the entire "me" and if he would still be supportive of my marriage to Bear. I wonder if he would be able to accept both my orientation and my desire/need for multiple relationships. I wonder if I should share more of myself with him, bring him into my inner circle, so to speak. For now, Bear and I have decided not to share this part of our life with his parents. Still, I do wonder how his dad might react and whether he could come to find compersion for us and how we have elected to live our lives.
My new father-in-law definitely deserves this card that I picked out for him:
The perfect Father's Day card for my new father-in-law
I look forward to getting to know him better, and hope that he can know me better too. I hope one day that being queer and poly will elicit the same response from older folks that telling them you filed your taxes on time does. Until then, I feel the need to be vigilant about whom I share my full story with to stay safe.
Finally, I want to wish a Happy Father's Day out there to all you dads, want-to-be dads, soon-to-be dads, step-dads, uncles, and cousins who help raise kidlets to be awesome humans.
It's been just over three weeks since I married Bear and things are going pretty well despite us both being injured and still looking for a den to cohabitate in. I've been processing some thoughts around marriage lately, especially when seen through a queer, poly lens.
This post does a pretty good job of describing what it's like to be a bi woman married to a straight man. I can relate to it in many ways except that I'm femme, which in some ways is more difficult as my "straight passing" privilege is high. That is, I'm seen as straight in 90%+ of my life unless I happen to be seen holding hands with either Bird or Yak in public. It's something that sometimes bothers me (cue: bi-invisibility and feeling non-existent and depressed), and other times allows me to hide in plain sight when I feel threatened. 100 mile queers (folks who look queer from a distance) don't have this luxury. I'm aware of how this privilege plays into my interactions with the world.
A selfie from today. You can see how I would pass as straight in most circumstances. Sometimes this causes me some mental/emotional distress, other times I use this privilege to fly under the wire if I don't want to be targeted for hate etc.
As it's wedding season, there are more and more articles being circulated online to readers. I'm a part of a number of Bisexual groups on Facebook. These groups are a fantastic source of community, support, outreach/info sharing, and also funny memes to help you laugh through your day. This week, an article entitled Why you shouldn't be Scared to Marry Someone Who's Bisexualcame across the Facebook group Bisexual.org. I read the article (published by Brides.com) and it was ok, as far as articles on mostly straight/monogamous websites go. It addresses the key fear that monosexual people face when they are in relationship with a bisexual/queer person and then goes on to mention a number of "upsides" to marrying a bisexual person (groan).
Once again, the # 1 fear of monosexuals is that their bisexual partner will be unable to be monogamous in the relationship. Straight spouses are terrified that their bi/queer partners will either leave them for a person of the same sex or that they will have sex with everyone they meet.
What's going on here? Let's unpack this fear and try to understand it a bit better.
I believe that the source of this fear is threefold. 1) It comes from a place of entitled ownership that has been perpetuated through monogamous heteronormative capitalist narratives in media and cultural stories. You are my spouse. You belong to me.2) Sex and relationships between two individuals is the accepted standard in our culture today. Having multiple partners seems to upset this accepted social norm and people (especially women) are labelled as sluts or worse. 3) Insecurity - it's clear that someone who is grasping and fearful is insecure about their own state of being/ability to stay healthy in a relationship. These folks project their insecurity onto others and it makes for some heinous emotional shitstorms in relationships.
Are Bisexuals Really Less Monogamous than monosexuals? Well, according to one study (link here, definitely worth a read!), not really:
78 percent of he bisexual men, and 67 percent of the bisexual women in this sample were either seriously datingone person, engaged, or married; the respective percentages for the full sample were 87 and 76.
Granted, bisexuals are more likely to be in committed non-monogamous relationships but that doesn't mean they are incapable of living and loving monogamously. I was monogamous with various previous partners for many years (both men and women).
So how do we get past this fear without the negative stereotypes and statements like "not all bisexuals are..." and without writing out a laundry list about why you should consider a bisexual (and queer, poly) person human, and therefore decent and marriageable?
The only way that I have managed thus far is by living (and writing) my truth. I am confronted in my daily life by folks who openly share their lives and relationships experiences with me/the world. I research and think critically about my worldview and consider how certain thoughts or beliefs limit me. I converse with folks I know and don't know to challenge my assumptions and to understand more of humanity. I then change my behaviours to align with these new ways of understanding. And then, if the mood strikes me, I write.
Here's my response to the Brides article:
Why you Shouldn't be Scared to Marry a Bisexual/Queer Poly Person
Because they are human like you.
Because you love each other and have shared future plans.
Because the connection is what matters, not fear based on insecurity.
Because poly people are often more committed, not less (as poly people may commit to more than just one person). See the Kimchi Cuddles cartoon below.
Because poly people understand and value the importance of communication, negotiation, and agreements.
Because poly people understand that human nature isn't necessarily monogamous. (i.e. that monogamous folks have high incidences of cheating).
Because poly isn't just about sex, it's about connections.
Because having ethical, open romantic relationships with other people can strengthen the bond you have with your primary partner.
Because having ethical, consensual sex with multiple people can actually enhance your relationship to your primary partner (i.e. less pressure to be someone's "everything").
Because marriage is defined by the people within the partnership - and it matters not if the partnership is between two or ten people.
Because monogamy and monosexuality don't guarantee security in relationships.
It's been some time since I wrote a blog post, and I'd like to plead temporary insanity as I was planning, prepping, and executing a very important event - my wedding. I wasn't able to really focus on anything except work and wedding for the past few months (as my friends can attest) and I'm grateful that the day went off well and that I can get back to some semblance of "normal."
Our wedding cake! Done by Bear's niece Laura.
The day was really special for us. I curated the whole thing and our theme was Beltane-ish with handfasting and jumping of the broom. I wore a dress that I designed and a shawl that I created with the help of Bird and my birth mom. My friends were a big part of the day - helping set up, directing games at the reception, DJing, making appetizers, making Bear & I pretty; I am so grateful for how my community pulled together to help make this wedding happen.
Bear and I wrote our vows literally the night before the wedding. We both had solid ideas about what we wanted to say, but we had to sit down and make sure that our vows "jived" with one another's. During this discussion, we decided to include the wording of primary partner in both of our vows to highlight and recognize our poly lifestyle; and as a way to acknowledge the other members in our menagerie (my term for our poly circle).
Sharing a laugh with our marriage commissioner
Our marriage commissioner was really great. When we were seeking someone to marry us, I knew that I wanted to be married by a woman and someone who wasn't squeamish about having a gender-neutral ceremony ("I now pronounce you man and wife" = UGH). I specifically wanted to leave out any reference to the until death do you part bit as I find that it's a rather unhealthy phrase to leave in vows - as though you have to stay with that person "forever" because you just should. The Bear and I wanted to be sure that the words we spoke would hold truth for many years to come, but wouldn't place an unrealistic expectation on either of us.
It was nice to have photos taken with both my queer chosen family and also all my close friends. I don't have many photos where everyone is in one shot, so that's really nice to have. Can't wait to have them retouched to finally print them out and surround myself with lovely memories.
The poly tree - a good symbol for Bear and I as we both have tree totems (willow & oak). And the love keeps growing as our poly branches reach out and make homes for new friends, lovers, etc.
My maid of honour (my only bridesmaid) gave an amazing speech on my behalf (as my dad passed away two years ago) and I still remember her words about how proud she is of me for sharing who I am with the world despite potential threats to my person etc. I know that she meant my queer poly self, but I am sure that not everyone in the room understood or got the reference. I guess it does take a certain amount of chutzpah to share oneself so openly with the world at large, but I feel as though without that risk, I wouldn't be me. And with great risk, comes great rewards. Although, let it be said that poly isn't for the faint of heart!
It's been interesting telling folks who didn't know that I was getting hitched that I am now married. Many give me double-takes. Some ask me who I married because they aren't sure the gender of the person I am currently with (never mind the genders of all my partners)... Some folks are surprised that I got married at all given my "lifestyle." Groan.
Or being a queer poly woman married to a cis man, in my case.
I wonder about how I will be perceived by the queer community now that I am married to a cis dude. I wonder if I will be written off as just another "bi woman married to a man." I wonder if people that I'm interested in (friends, lovers, and more) will be less likely to initiate or maintain relationships with me because they have a hard time seeing and reconciling all facets of me. I wonder how this change in relationship status will affect my connections with Bird and Yak. I wonder if folks who don't know about my poly relationships will get confused or angry if they see me with someone other than Bear. I wonder how I will be perceived at Pride if Bear is with me - as just another "bi/queer woman showing off for her man?" These are thoughts that worry me.
But for now, I recall that gorgeous sunny day when I said some important words to a very special Bear and my heart is happy.
I've been putting off writing any blogs that are political in nature since I started this blog because I wanted to focus on my own experiences and not get sucked into writing reactionary pieces to what is going on in the world (well, North America to be specific). I shared thoughts and things that happened to me, and always from my particular poly perspective.
The US election came and went and I wrote nothing about it. The insidious rolling back of personal liberties and freedoms in the guise of religious freedoms started happening in the US and I wrote nothing about it. Blatant racism happened in my city and country, but I did not write about it. So many bloggers, vloggers, journalists, pundits, and anyone with internet access has weighed in with their opinion on the devolution of the American Way of Life and I have not.
But I don't think I can avoid writing non-politically in my blog anymore. Being Canadian, I'm afforded a comfortable distance from the madness of US politics right now. I get to make fun of how things are going down south, and get to share memes like this one:
This would be funny if we didn't also know that the fire will spread this way...
But the fire IS spreading north, and it has already reared its ugly head with the horrifying mosque shootings in Quebec earlier this year. And I'm worried that it's only going to get worse. For Canadians follow their neighbours to the south when it comes to the economy, film/tv, fashion, etc. We simply cannot afford to be complacent.
The demonization and disenfranchisement of any person who isn't white, Christian, straight, monogamous, and (usually) cis-male by Drumph (I refuse to use his real name) and his appointees is all but written into public policy now. Real world consequences are happening: from folks being refused entry into the States; to folks being denied access to healthcare originally promised by the former government; to the fact that Drumph sent a member of a hate-group to a UN meeting on preventing violence against women. You can't make this shit up!
To top it all off, Drumph wants to change the nature of last bastion of personal expressive freedom - he wants to censor the internet.
And it's already begun...
Yesterday, I saw lots of stories circulating from YouTube vloggers that I follow that their content was no longer able to be seen on YouTube. This is because YouTube now has a function that you have to decide if you want to use or not - a "restricted mode." The point of this mode is to protect children from seeing inappropriate content, something that I understand. However, what is troubling is that, YouTube has put itself in charge of deciding what videos are objectionable or inappropriate. Now, it isn’t exactly clear how videos are flagged as mature or inappropriate; it could very well be based on flags reported by users or it could be a group of people within YouTube making such decisions. (from this link)
I read in an online community that the flagging was happening automatically. So somewhere down the line, someone decided that LGBTQ2 topics should be "restricted" and hidden from the main search function in YouTube, a platform that millions of people connect to daily around the world. Which leads me to wonder, WHY is it that LGBTQ2 themes are considered not appropriate for children? Kids come in all shades of the rainbow too, and need to have places to gain awareness, information, support, and community and YouTube has been providing that for years. Sure, some content should be restricted, but this is YouTube, not XTube FFS!
This video brought this issue to the forefront:
Even my favourite bi vlogger wasn't immune:
YouTube - now with more bi-erasure. Article link here.
Oiy, this is a painful issue for sure. LGBTQ2 people have been working so hard for so long to gain a place in society, only now to have their existence called into question time and time again as "appropriate." It's 2017, and it's time to get real about why these things are happening. We need to put pressure on companies, corporations, and government to let them know that we are here, queer, and NOT going away. That we will stand up and have our voices heard, and that we will share information as freely as possible on the internet because it belongs to everyone, and everyone deserves respect and representation.
For my family and friends reading this blog, you will know that right now I'm in the throes of intensive wedding plans as the "big day" is just over nine weeks away now (cue internal screaming). I'm trying to not let the planning take over my life, but as the days count down, it's getting harder and harder not to be completely immersed in wedding-related items. Lately, it's started to feel a bit like this:
Bear and I had a funny moment last weekend. He came over early for snuggles and looked at me and said "we are getting married in 10 weeks." My response? "Ugh, I know." And then we both burst out laughing...
It's funny, but after my "divorce" (9 years ago now!) I never thought that I would consider getting married again. I was living common law with my ex, and we had talked extensively about getting married and making babies. But when that relationship fell apart, I realized that not only had I duped myself into thinking that that person was supposed to be a life partner, but how my perception on the concept of marriage wasn't all that positive or healthy. I saw my parents and so many other friend's parents go through tough times and divorce. I thought that being married meant I had to sacrifice myself to something "greater." How could I give up so much of myself to be someone's everything forever? (my, how my thinking has changed since then!)
So what happened? Well, time passed and I did some deep soul searching on the subject. I spoke with my moms (adoptive and birth) about what marriage meant to them. I read books like Marriage A History and Committed. I stopped being naive about Disney-style relationships and marriages. I had discussions with my counsellor about marriage. I thought about marriages I knew that were successful, and ones that weren't. I studied the research around marriage and happiness and health. I went deep inside myself and thought about what is it that I want. Marriage wasn't necessarily the be-all and end-all that I had originally thought that it was. I didn't need to marry in order to feel as though my role in society could be fulfilled. I didn't need to get married to find happiness or purpose.
However, I was open to considering marriage, should it come up with the right person, at the right time. Further, with my new-ish polyamorous paradigm, I began to view marriage as not a requirement for a "successful" long term relationship but as something that was an option if parties were interested and willing.
A "successful" relationship isn't necessarily one that has longevity. I also think that the "until death do you part" language pressures people into a vow that is not realistic nor necessarily healthy.
When Bear and I first got together about 5 years ago, he was very serious with his relationship intentions. "If we do this [relationship], I'm all in." And he meant it. It was clear to me that this man wanted something specific from me, and was focussed on getting it. While this direct approach was a bit overwhelming at first, this trait is one that I'm grateful for in Bear. I always know exactly what he's thinking because he tells me straight out. And I've tried to be as direct and forthcoming about my thoughts and feelings with him. Over the past few years, we have spoken and shared our feelings on marriage vs. living common law. We have spoken about having children vs. not having children. We've communicated about our relationship fears and how we can move past old patterns of thinking and behaving.
A few months ago in my It's Complicated but not Really post, I talk about what a primary partner means to me. It's namely around legal stuff - combining finances, emergency contact etc - but it's also around family stuff - namely marriage and children. While I'm open to exploring the concept of family outside of heteronormative monogamy, with Bear this notion of family is probably a bit normative in nature. When Bear proposed in August 2015 and I said yes, followed by, "You know that I can't do monogamy, right?" to which he said, "Monogamy wouldn't work for us." Indeed, monogamy won't work for us. As a framework, it does not allow for my sexual identity to be actualized nor does it meet my need and drive to share my love and body with others. It also constrains Bear too. Monogamy would mean a closed relationship for him as well, and I want to ensure that he has opportunities to play and connect with people outside of our relationship. Plus (and it's taken me a while to figure this out), Bear loves me, all of me - my bi/queer/kinky/poly self. I think this Kimchi Cuddles cartoon expresses this well:
Bear has even said similar things to me. I'm so appreciative of how he sees and respects/accepts me.
I'm super grateful to have a primary partner who loves me for who I am and is willing to build something together with me (even if that something is a nebulous concept at times).
This whole marriage thing has also effected my other relationships. I know that for a time, Birdfriend was unsure about where they stood with me in relation to Bear. As time progressed however, our relationship deepened into a chosen-family, bff, with D/s overtone; and when I started calling them my non-primary partner (with Bear's awareness and understanding), I think that made things more solid for Birdfriend. I think that having their position affirmed helped reduce their stress level and make them feel more included in my life. Bear and Birdfriend have a good friendship, which is made stronger by their shared love of me. They both want nothing but the best for me. And they both understand how the other person is important to me. Birdfriend is happy for me with this wedding - their excitement and support has been very bolstering when I feel overwhelmed by everything.
Regarding the Yak, I know that all this wedding prep and planning has been interesting exposure for her as the Bear and I do things differently. She's experiencing something new with me, and I am too with her... I try my best to assure her that she is important to me, and while our relationship may or may not really change after I get married, I try to focus on the moment with Yak, within the boundaries of our relationship, and try be as authentic as possible. I make space in my mind, in my heart, and in my day for Yak. I am curious about continuing this connection but without putting a hard label on it or any futuristic directional plans. I know that at the heart of our connection, a strong, respectful friendship exists that will carry us as our path unfolds.
It's interesting for me to feel so much love for Yak while I'm planning a wedding with Bear. But these thoughts and feelings of love don't "compete" in my mind, if anything they create more love. I feel this cascading exponential effect of love in my body - it's hard to describe. But it feels wonderful and buoyant. It brings me great joy that is hard to contain sometimes (and I do have a hard time containing it). And I share this love outwards with each of my three sweeties and onwards towards my friends and family.
On my wedding day, it's going to be interesting having all three there with me - Bear as my husbear-to-be, and Birdfriend and Yak there cheering us on and supporting me. I'm planning on having a photo of the four of us together. A loving portrait that I will cherish for many moons to come, I'm sure. I'll need to be mindful of the older folks coming to the event who aren't fully aware of our poly connections. But it's very important to me that although the day is officially Bear's and mine, I want both Birdfriend and Yak to be included and feel important. Because they are. Just as important, I want Bear and I to revel in "our day," because it only comes around once.
I'm curious about how poly is going to play out over the long term in my marriage to Bear. It's rather timely that this article came across my Facebook feed this week, and it was good to get some perspective. I know that there will be ebb and flow in our poly connections over time, and there may even come a time when we need to close our relationship for a time for various reasons. For now, we stay in the moment and feel the excitement for our upcoming ceremony, and gratitude for the many loving connections that surround and sustain us.
