Bye bye Bi, Hello Queer?

As a term, bisexual has some inherent problems. Bi, meaning two, sexual, as in who you are attracted to. But there are more than two genders (and I would argue more than two sexes as well - re: intersex folks).

All throughout my teen years and my twenties, I considered myself BIsexual. I was interested in dating both men and women. However, after my LTR with potential husband #1 failed and I started exclusively dating women, I began to have more exposure to folks across the gender spectrum and I had a hard look at my own label. If honest, I've always been attracted to gender-fluid/non-conforming folks for a long time. I didn't act on it until I had access to these types of folks to date (no surprise there).

I got schooled in gender by hanging out with folks who identify as trans*, genderqueer, genderfluid, and non-binary. These folks taught me so much about how gender is a social construct, and how privilege exists depending on where you stand on the continuum and if you "pass." Thus, armed with the knowledge of peoples of other genders, and with better awareness of my own desires, did my sexual orientation label change from Bi to Queer.

I still use the term bisexual as an identity label however. I do this because many hetero folks have not had exposure to gender variant folks, and I'm often met with a quizzical look with I share my queer orientation. Queer is not an understood term for most heterosexual people. They simply have no point of reference for what a queer orientation means or looks like. So I then use the term bisexual, and the response is usually something like, "ah, ok." For people that are genuinely curious and respectfully ask about my sexuality, I will explain to them what queer means to me - namely that I find people across the gender spectrum attractive (masculine → androgynous → feminine), and that I have sexual and/or romantic relationships with folks across this spectrum. Further, queer means that I see my sexuality and gender expression through a politically aware/critical lens - I'm aware of my privilege (where it exists) and I try to eradicate oppression of queer folk and other minority groups with my awareness and voice.

I've been asked by people over time whether or not I identify as pansexual. The term "pansexual" wasn't one that I was familiar with, and at the time, most of the folks that I was meeting referred to themselves as queer. Further, queer has a different feel to it than pansexual because it assumes an added layer of politicizing that doesn't usually come with it or other LGBT labels. I think that Quinn of Quinn Creates on youtube nails it:

I think it's also important to note that the term queer will mean different things to different people. Its likely that the word and its usage will change over time - considering it has already changed once from a derogatory remark to a reclaimed word of power. When I meet older LGBT people, they often will react badly to this word, and I have to explain to them how I use it here and now.

I've also been lately considering how bisexuality and queerness can coexist in the same human. Both labels are functional, but I still feel drawn towards calling myself queer. I suppose I could just quit splitting hairs already and just say that I'm: