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| This graphic came up when I did a GIS for "true love." Its shows the societally-approved heteronormative "escalator" relationship path. |
When I was 22, I met a fellow in Quebec who I fell in love with and was convinced was "the one." We started a long distance relationship, and within the year, we decided that he should move out west to be with me (he was tired of life in Quebec anyways). We planned a road trip all the way back across Canada, with the agreement that I would drive only on the prairies because I still wasn't comfortable driving a stick shift (still ain't). Somewhere around the Manitoba-Saskatchewan border, I mentioned to my Quebecois love that I was bisexual, and that I wasn't willing to cut out women in the future.
Perhaps I should have mentioned my orientation sooner to my former paramour. However, I was young, and had little experience with when/how to come out to people as I was still pretty uncomfortable with my sexuality. He reacted badly. I almost thought he was going to ask me to pull over, but I was driving and I just kept on driving. I decided to be more forthcoming and shared a bit of how I've had some experiences with BDSM and threesomes/group sex and he shut down. It was as if I had taken all joy out of him - and it was because I hadn't done those things with him. I told him that I was open to engaging in different kinds of intimate play but he just told me that "it was too late" (a refrain that I would hear again and again over the course of our relationship).
I should have jumped ship right then and there and parachuted out of that little red Honda Civic traversing the Canadian prairies but I didn't. I stayed in that relationship for 4.5 years. I sometimes can't believe it myself. I stayed because I believed so intently in the idea of "The One." The belief warped my sense of what I was willing to put up with in order to have stability and love.
My relationship with this Quebecois looked great from the outside. We looked well together, played house well together, had decent jobs, went on vacations together. On the inside, we both were miserable. He was convinced that I was going to leave him for a woman and often used it as a point of argument when he was angry with me. Nevermind that I never did any such cheating behaviour. A similar thing had happened to a cousin of his, and it was clear that he was feeling biphobic and some kind of gender betrayal. How could I, his woman, possibly be interested in being with other women when my place was with him. Ugh.
Our relationship ended for many different reasons. Towards the end, when I told him that I was tired of repressing my desire to be with women, he relented and I went on a date with a woman for the first time in my life. I was 27 years old. The date was a bust but I learned that I couldn't pretend that I wasn't bi anymore. I was tired of keeping myself in the closet and I was miserable with the Quebecer. We parted ways and I spent the next year solely dating women and learning about what I wanted from relationships.
It seems odd that I've come full-circle in that I'm now engaged to be married and considering future child-rearing. However, this primary relationship is vastly different from the one I was in so long ago. My primary partner loves me for who I am - exactly as I am. Something I am eternally grateful for. It helped that I was fully upfront about who I was when we first got together almost five years ago.
The very first thing I said to him after he proposed (and I accepted) was, "you know that I can't do monogamy, right?" and he said, "I don't think monogamy would work for us." I love this man.
I still think that "true" love exists, only I think of it like this:
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| Love is not a finite resource. The more love you have to share, the more love is there in the world. |
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